My Fellow Alcoholics: My Qualifications for Functional Alcoholics Spokesperson

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i knew it was gonna happen, just not so soon.

i’d really hoped the only thing slung in this election would be drinks and not mud, but that’s what i get for looking at life through beer colored glasses.

My opponents picked up my Twitter post of Wednesday, July 29 where i posted, “Currently Drinking: Water. i actually had a dry day today.” Now they’re using it to say i have no right to run for Functioning Alcoholics Slurperson (FASe).

Not Real Alcoholic

My Qualifications

As An Alcoholic

  • While i may not be alcohol dependent (the guys you see sleeping on the sidewalk sucking on bottles like they were funny shaped green tits), i am a binge drinker. i don’t need to drink every day but once i start i’m unable to stop until i either pass out or am hosed down.
  • My drinking has caused me a unique problem set in the office (when i reach the point i can no longer pass off ‘buzzed’ as ‘naturally jolly’), my romantic relationships (‘My boyfriend? He’s the one peeing in / hitting on / sleeping with the potted fern’ only floats for so long), my family relationships (‘Oh great dad! Hangover Day again! You know we never get tired of celebrating these with you…’) and friendships (i’ve used up my current batch and am on the look out for more–any takers?).
  • i plan days when i can binge and look forward to them like Christmas, pay day, or Spring Break in Cancun.
  • Just ask anyone who’s known me for more than three weeks (the approximate expiration date of liking me).

As Functional

  • i’ve held the same job for more than 17 years.
  • i was married for 10 years and drinking wasn’t even the reason for the divorce!
  • i’ve been living with Miss Demeanor for over a year (even if she hasn’t always been ‘living’ with me).
  • i may be blacklisted from ever receiving any Father of the Year award, but despite my problems i’ve helped raise a beautiful daughter with a passion for all things creative (drawing, fiction, poetry, sewing…) and a gut wrenching joie de vivre, as well as a son with such natural sincerity he can’t keep track of all the girls who love him and such intellectual diligence he was accepted at one of Yeaman’s most elite high schools.
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(Paid for by Partakers of Al K Hall For Functional Alcoholic Slurperson)

My Fellow Alcoholics, for all these reasons and more, i humbly weave before you and submit my can-idacy for your International Slurperson. Let me serve you (in both senses of the word) to the best of my capacities.

A SmokeCurrently Drinking: Smirnoff Ice. (Weaning myself off the –surprisingly mild– hangover.)

52Hangover Forecast: Mostly Sunny. i’ll quit after this fifth (it’s only 5% people) and so tomorrow morning will be easier than this one was…

2 thoughts on “My Fellow Alcoholics: My Qualifications for Functional Alcoholics Spokesperson

  1. “Currently Drinking: Smirnoff Ice. (Weaning myself off the –surprisingly mild– hangover.)” Yeah, it was surprisingly mild! I caught on the previous post actually how much quantity there was, and I *was* wondering just as I always do on Fridays. I always assume that on Fridays there is quantity, especially when kids are not present the next day. It seems pretty amazing that the HO was so mild now that I know just how much there was. Maybe there is something to the fast-food ass vomit “cure.”

    Anyways, I am thankful for the “functioning” parts, as I said in a previous post. I do keep wondering if you will ever reach that “economic exchange” kind of thing I have written about here before, too — you know, where the price of one thing becomes too high to keep paying in exchange for the other thing. So far, with regards to alcohol, the price has not exceeded the value of the things in exchange for drinking it. I’m not holding my breath or anything… I guess I just know that for many, there comes a point, often, where push comes to shove, you know? Especially as we age. I don’t know if the clock on the alcoholic part is ever going to sound its alarm that enough is enough. I know that usually these things do not get better on their own, but instead get worse. There may come “that point.” There may not……. But yeah, I am here. Yeah, you and Expresso stayed together for 10 years. Yeah, the functioning part makes that possible, for sure.

    I keep thinking, though, that the “functioning” part is also kind of hanging by a tenuous thread, you know? Like, you have had some wonderful things happen and come to be in spite of the alcohol, and that is a good thing. But it *is* a tenuous thread of functionality.

    With the alcohol, does it really feel like living? Don’t you ever wonder about their being *more* than just the Hangover Days and the Non-Hangover Days?

    It’s functioning, but barely some days, is what I observe as one who loves you very much. Obviously, it is still worth it to you in the economic exchange of things. I just sometimes wonder how long “functioning” versus “alcoholic” will be sustainable. Is it, in fact, sustainable? You’ve done it so far, you’ve made it this long in this 20+ year struggle (and I think it has been one, but I hope the use of that word does not offend you or anything) between “functioning” and “alcoholic.” I can’t help but feel that eventually, though, there will have to be a shift towards one or the other. Maintaining such a balance for so long is not usually possible for so very many people. Like I wrote, I am not *pushing* for one or the other — it’s your row to hoe, and for me, in this moment, it is mostly sustainable.

    Thinking on the above, though, and with understanding the post, I *would* have to vote for you as FASe!! You have certainly maintained that tenuous balance for a *very* long time, and this in and of itself is pretty incredible, considering!! You definitely have the qualifications for FASe in this!

  2. “Just ask anyone who’s known me for more than three weeks (the approximate expiration date of liking me).” Oh and this one. LOL. I know what you are getting at, but there are quite a few of us who last longer than three weeks, dearest. Some of us see beyond both the alcoholic and the functional person to the core of who you are and the liking of that core has no expiration date!

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