My Fellow Alcoholics,
You may believe that an alcoholic’s promises are only as solid as the liquor that inspired them…
You may believe that a drinker’s word is as bad as the booze it’s based on…
You may believe the lies of society that tell you to ignore anyone drunker than you…
But you must believe this, “If you drink it, i will come.” (Ok, that doesn’t read as it was intended but the message is clear, isn’t it? If you are a drinker, i am here for you. i dream of being your FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson).)
Fellow alcoholics, if you choose to bestow upon me the honor of electing me your Functional Alcoholics Slurperson, i most solemnly promise to:
- Have your backs. i promise that i will call your spouses/partners for you should you want to stay out for ‘just one more’; i will write doctor’s notes for you so you can call in sick, i will provide any alibi necessary for the police…
- Let you be you. i promise not to criticize you or give you dirty looks if you’ve been drinking. i will never preach to you. i will never judge you or ask you to be better. Who you are is great enough for me.
- Support a Functional Alcoholic lifestyle. i promise NEVER to recommend AA or insist that you quit drinking.
- Give you drinking tips. i promise to make you a better drinker, both in terms of getting drunker and/or staying functionaler.
- Cure your hangovers. i promise i will ease the pain and strain of morning afters.
- Prevent hangovers. i promise my advice will let you drink and live relatively hangover free.
- i also promise to pick you up when you fall.
- i promise to hold your hair should you puke.
- i promise to agree with you no matter the crap you spew in bar talk.
- i promise to hold nothing you say while drinking against you.
- i promise to come up with original toasts to make you want to drink more.
- i promise to back up your lies when you bullflirt the hottie at the bar.
- i promise to pay for more than my fair share of rounds.
- i promise to be your designated driver no matter how much i’ve had to drink.
Brothers and Sisters of the Bar None, i promise that i will commit myself to your FASe and make you proud of who you are. What other politician can stake that claim?
Currently Drinking: Just polished off a bottle of Chardonnay and am considering heading out for a little bit extra.
Hangover Forecast: Light rain. i took the day off tomorrow so i can prepare my flight from the country on Wednesday. The problem here is, even though i’m ‘on call’ for work tomorrow, i still might have more to drink today because i can tell myself i have tomorrow off. BUT i need to be functional tomorrow because even if i don’t have to work, i still have to pack, clean and take care of some administrative crap before the Great Escape.