A Sobering Thought

View from My Smoking Window

View from My Smoking Window

[The Juice-Box: Anna Nalick’s “Breath (2am)” for you to listen to while you read.]

i live above a bar i never go to because i don’t believe in shitting where i live. Across the street from my apartment is a square so, while i can’t see the people in the bar, i can see them spilling across the street.

2am, last Saturday night, i was sitting and smoking at the window when i saw a group of young people pour out of the bar and onto the square. One of them was a burly guy in a black t-shirt and by the way he sloshed like a drink that was overfull, i knew he was the drunkest. His girlfriend was the cute one; i  knew she was his girlfriend because she (tentatively) took his hand before he shook her off after only a couple steps.

He struck out alone with an angry defiance that defines many drinkers, forcing the others (a four-pack of friends) to be his entourage. They then had to follow and try to talk him down with all the false jocularity of a bomb squad over a nuclear device.

Looking on the scene as a (sober) conscientious objectifier was like seeing my reflection in a gutter puddle of spilled beer. i recognized myself in the drunken boy’s swagger and heard my voice in his rising tone. What struck me hard enough to hurt, however, was the way he treated his friends. He wore on them and he wore them down and their friendship wore away with it all.

Hurting myself doesn’t hurt.

Hurting those that love me does.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

i chose “Breathe (2am)” because the above scene took place at 2am and especially because the second verse talks about drinking.

Lyrics:

“Breathe (2 AM)”

2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season.”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes,
Like they have any right at all to criticize.
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May, he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss.
“Just a day,” he said down to the flask in his fist.
Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel.
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out,
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again.
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button now,
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of Taking Woodstock

Taking Woodstock

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the Bar None Juice- Box

Jimi Hendrix – Live At Woodstock – Villanova Junction

[Play this song at my funeral]

Ramblings: More Wood, Less Stock

Final Proof: 2½ Stars

You know that disappointment when you go to the kitchen for another glass, knowing you still have a lot of drinking left in the bottle, only to find the fifth is running on fumes and there’s not even a full glass left? This is the sinking feeling that settled on me during Taking Woodstock.

Ang Lee, (director of Sense and Sensibility and Brokeback Mountain) has made a movie not about the 3-day festival of Peace & Music, but the town next to it instead.

While the historical accuracy of the movie is impressive and the scenes at the fringe of the concert were techniqued to look extremely authentic, the film is as boring as Bethel NY and the acting as bad as the brown acid.

Emile Hirsch’s performance is more miss than hit as he intensifies the stereotype of a shell-shocked Vietnam vet. Worse, Demetri Martin, the unfortunate lead, bit off more than he could chew with this meaty role so for two hours we get to see him choke on screen.

i’ll give this thing 2½ shots because Lee tried so damn hard but he fell far short of his goal to recreate the spirit of Woodstock. Woodstock, the festival, was not ‘made’ it just ‘happened’–Lee failed to see you can’t plan spontaneity.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Lots of 60’s nudity with hippies bathing in the lake, welcoming helicopters on the lawn and putting on a play naked. While there’s a glimpse of Hirsch’s dangler, the best looking Earthlight Player (the acting troupe in the yard and on the stage) was Jennifer Merrill. You gotta have a quick eye, though, if you want to single her out.

My Favorite Earthlight Player

My Favorite Earthlight Player

The movie also provides some cute shots of Meryl Streep’s daughter, Mamie Gummer (sounds like a lesbian grandma’s name), in tight hip-huggers.

Mamie Gummer

Mamie Gummer

Oh yeah, there’s also a cute scene with a gay kiss for those of you who drink out of that side of the glass.

A Smoke

Drinks: 1 Shot

As this story takes place in the 60’s, the drug of choice isn’t booze but weed. Meaning beyond the scope of this blog, sorry babes.

There was some beer drinking in a motel bar.

While skirting along the outskirts of the masses, two hippies offer our hero a hit of their wine and then a hit of their LSD. This was the most sincere scene of the movie and Lee did a sensational job of filming the acid trip.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

You see a movie about Woodstock and you expect to hear music from Woodstock, right? Wrong! Instead of using authentic songs from the epoch, Danny Elfman plays vaguely folksy incidental background music throughout the movie. There were more real songs during the end credits than the rest of the entire freaking film.

For all his efforts at veracity, Lang missed beat here.

The first actual song is the Doors’ “Maggie McGill”, which is a great tune, but the Doors weren’t at Woodstock.

Ditto Blind Faith. “Can’t Find My Way Home” is a very significant song in the mellow drama that is my life, and it suited the aftermath of the concert well, but Blind Faith was performing in Hawaii towards the end of August 1969. You can’t get much farther from Woodstock.

Trust me, you’re better off buying the DVD documentary than paying to see Taking Woodstock. After seeing TW, that’s what you’re gonna do anyway.

Slurred Speeches

I  haven’t slept in three days, my hip hurts and the beer is warm…I feel great! Give me another beer.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: James Schamus

Based on the Book by: Elliot Tiber

Directed by: Ang Lee

Starring:

Demetri Martin – Elliot Teichberg / Tiber

Henry Goodman – Jake Teichberg

Imelda Staunton – Sonia Teichberg

Mug Shot: Tawny Kitaen

Mug Shot: Tawny Kitaen

Mug Shot: Tawny Kitaen

Who Is She?

She played Tom Hanks fiancée in 1984’s Bachelor Party and married Whitesnake’s lead singer David Coverdale in ’89. Amazingly–and bucking the trend of short-lived rock-ho’ marriages–their union lasted a whole two years, all the way until 1991. Since then, she’s been in nothing other than jail and the National Enquirer. “Jail” ’cause in 2002 she was arrested for beating up her husband, a major league baseball player–i always knew baseball was for fags–and in November 2006 when police found coke (the kind you snort, not sip,  through a straw) in her home.)

In case you were feeming for Whitesnake, here’s a song from the Juice-Box. (Be sure to turn it up, the intro is quiet.)

In case you’re a guy, here are some sexy Tawny Kitaen pictures:

Teen Tawny

Teen Tawny

Hot Wet Bikini Pic

Hot Wet Bikini Pic

What Happened?

Yesterday (Saturday September 26, 2009), Tawny was pulled over in Newport Beach Cali on suspicion of Driving Under the Influence. She was released on $2,500 bail.

Why She Deserves a Mug Shot

Other than the excuse it gives me to look up pictures of the Kitten on the Net, she took part in Celebrity Rehab less than a year ago. Looks like Doctor Drew a blank. Minus one for rehab, plus one for the Bar None. i scored with TK!

Booze Toonze: A Jukebox in the Bar None!

Our New Juice-Box

Our New Juice-Box

Founding Member & President of D.R.I.N.K.E.R (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited), International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson of the D-Generation, Owner and Tender Bartender of the Bar None i have decided to invest my investiture in the investment of a Juice-Box.

From now on you’ll be able to use Booze Toonze as you perooze these pages.

As a special, introductory offer there’s a two-fer on tap today:

George Thorgood - Maverick

George Thorgood - Maverick

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

As i’m a writer, i feel a need to put in the lyrics…

George Thorogood – I Drink Alone

I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, every morning, just before breakfast,
I don’t want no coffee or tea.
Just me and my good buddy Weiser.
That’s all I ever need.

Cause I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, the other night I lay sleeping,
And I woke from a terrible dream.
So I called up my pal, Jack Daniels,
And his partner Jimmy Beam.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, the other night I got invited to a party,
But I stayed home instead.
Just me and my pal Johnny Walker,
And his brothers Black and Red.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, my whole family done give up on me,
And it makes me feel so bad.
The only one who’ll hang out with me
Is my dear old Granddad.

And we drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Amy Winehouse – Rehab

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

I’d rather be at home with ray
I ain’t got seventy days
Cause there’s nothing
There’s nothing you can teach me
That I can’t learn from Mr Hathaway

I didn’t get a lot in class
But I know it don’t come in a shot glass

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

The man said ‘why do you think you here’
I said ‘I got no idea
I’m gonna, I’m gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near’
He said ‘I just think you’re depressed,
this me, yeah baby, and the rest’

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know

I don’t ever wanna drink again
I just ooh I just need a friend
I’m not gonna spend ten weeks
have everyone think I’m on the mend

It’s not just my pride
It’s just ’til these tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of District 9

Illegal Aliens

Illegal Aliens

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: Outer Spaced

i knew this dilemma was going to come up sooner and later and i was right. What do i do when confronted with a film that i really liked but doesn’t really relate to drinking? No problem, i’m all about having my drink and drinking it too.

Final Proof: 2 Shots

Non-Drinker Rating: 3½ / 5

District 9 is a lot of fun. i’m not a huge sci-fi fan but some films surpass genres-D-9 is one of these. The perfect cocktail of talented unknown actors, solid special effects, nonstop action, political undertones, engrossing storyline…D-9 has it all. Even a philosophical similarity to Kafka, as Miss Demeanor pointed out. It may not be a ‘drinking’ film, as you’ll see later, but you could see it drunk and enjoy it. Or sober and still enjoy it. It’s just that good.

So why only a 3½ and not more? The political aspect adds a dimension to the film, sure, but it’s a little dated–and thank god for that. The apartheid angle woulda been more potent 20 years ago; even if, like i said, i’m glad we’re looking back on apartheid as ancient history and not a current event. The director has said he wanted the film to have an 80s feel to it, but that’s hard when there’s a flying saucer that’s been hanging over Johannesburg for twenty years. That said, the director made the right ballsy call filming this in Chiawelo, Soweto, on the site of a shack settlement where the South African government actually evicted black Africans.

The fake documentary style distracted me too, because i liked it too much. They set it up well in the beginning and i was getting into it but then they just decided to change in the middle of the movie and go the traditional sci-action route. Too bad, the faux documentary thing was a nice touch.

Bottom Line: you should go and see District 9. It’s destined to be a classic along the lines of Alien and Terminator and you’ll want to be able to say you saw it during the original release.  Trust me.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

‘Pure’ enjoyment, emphasis on pure. Although:

  • There’s one mention of inter-species prostitution and you get a glimpse of a hot African prostitute. i’d post a picture of her, you know me, but there are four women credited as ‘Nigerian Hooker’.
  • You get to see a censored pic that the ‘MNU’ photoshopped to make it look like our hero was boning an alien from behind.
  • The actress (Vanessa Haywood) that plays the lead character’s wife is good looking. Here are some shots:

Vanessa Haywood

Vanessa Haywood

Vanessa Haywood

A Smoke

Drinks: 0 shots

There’s barely a whiff of booze in District-9. In news coverage of the aliens’ shanty town, we get to see a drunk alien barf. That’s it.

A Smoke

Rock and Roll: 4 shots

No cool music, but the movie itself is totally Hard Core.  Lots of hide-your-eyes gore and good choreographic violence.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Neill Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell

Directed by: Neill Blomkpamp

Starring:

Sharlto Copley – Wikus Van De Merwe

Vanessa Haywood – Tania Van De Merwe

David James – Koobus Venter

Louis Minnaar – Piet Smit

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of Julie & Juila

Julie & Julia

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: A Virgin Chicktail

Final Proof: 1 shot (Piss)

Right upfront, if you’re a woman, nondrinker or both, this isn’t a review for you. i’m not a big fan of romantic comedies and i’m not gonna show a whole lot of mercy here. There are pro’lly tons of sites that’ll fluff the review for you like some big old lacy pillow, but here we take it straight.

If you insist, there were two things i liked about this movie.

  1. i did laugh out loud like maybe three times, and i was even sober and even laughing with the movie, not at it.
  2. Meryl Streep’s acting was great, as usual. She should do a movie about drinking.

Ok, that out of the way, let’s get down to it.

i’m not a foodie, people, i’m an alkie. Give me home-brew, not home-cooked– though i’m not averse to getting cooked at home. About food: the first half an hour of the movie you get to hear every actor masticating like grandma with corn on the cob. Drinking is so much smoother.

The basis of the movie is the true story of a woman who gets super famous because she decides to cook 524 of Julia Child’s recipes in one year and blog about it. It made me a little jealous, truth be told. i’ve posted nearly 50 blogs but still don’t have one fan (that i don’t live with). No one has interviewed me or done a news story about me and i’m the freakin’ FASe of the D-Generation! It’ll happen, though, for sure. i’ll write a book and then they’ll make a movie about me. Meryl Streep could be in it. i’m thinking Sean Penn would make a good Al K Hall.

A better cooking movie would be about Keith Floyd, an English Chef (which apparently is not an oxymoron!) who, according to the Wiki page, “was noted for his haphazard presenting style which included frequent consumption of wine, beer and local alcoholic beverages.” Now there’s a movie i’d enjoy.

Overall, Julie  & Julia was pretty bland. It was a reheated story of an already stale concept, totally lacking spice. Serve it up to guests who like this kind of fare, but don’t try it yourself.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out For Spoilers)

Sex: 0 shots (Empty)

The movie stars Amy Adams. Here’s what AA (don’t worry, not that AA) can look like:

The Only AA i'm Interested In

The Only AA i'm Interested In

Here’s what she looked like in the movie:

The Bad Kind Of AA

The Bad Kind Of AA

Vanessa Ferlito was also in this movie for about 10 seconds. Here’s what she looked like:

Cold White Toast

Cold White Toast

Here’s what she can look like:

Hot Off The Stove

Spicy Hot Dish

i think i’m seeing a pattern here…

There were some sex scenes that were mercifully cut short after a couple minutes of over-the-clothes foreplay. Even what got left in, though, still felt like watching your parents going at it. Yes, even the Amy Adams bra scene.

The hottest thing about this movie? i’ll tell you: Watching Miss Demeanor walk out of the subway entrance before the film. i’d been waiting for her and was kind of scoping out girls that strolled past and i didn’t recognize her at first. My initial though was, ‘Damn, that girl is fine!’ before i realized it was her in this tight top and short jean skirt. Let me tell you, i felt so proud and lucky i was even willing to see Julie & Julia just so long as i could be next to her.

A Smoke

Drinks: 1 shot (Piss)

There were a couple scenes of people drinking wine responsibly at dinner and you know how much fun that is to watch. Like golf.  Or Saturday morning Disney programming.

Amy and Meryl both drink vodka gimlets at one point of the movie; Amy’s character downs hers in a bar because she’s bummed, which is about as realistic as this movie gets. AA is supposed to be tipsy but she pulls it off as badly as most actors do. Remind me to send the Actor’s Studio either a tape of me drunk or that one of the Hoff washing his face with a Big Mac.

Alcohol Abuse On Film

Alcohol Abuse On Film

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots (Empty)

The closest we get to rock and roll in this movie is The Talking Heads. ‘Nuff said.

Slurred Speeches

On blogging:

It’s like AA, it gives you something you have to do every day, one day at a time.

Boring Technical Crap:

Written and Directed by Nora Ephron (based on the book by Julie Powell)

Starring:

Meryl Streep: Julia Child

Amy Adams: Julie Powell