Victory! My Acceptance Speech

We Did It!

We Did It!

The final votes have been tallied and the results are official. With 75% of the vote, i, Al K Hall, have been elected your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson. i have received congratulatory calls from Wanda Woman and Iva Blojob (the running mates received 13% of the votes) and got a wonderful message from Tom Waits (the surprise write-in, who also got 13% of the ballots). i would like to thank all of you who voted for me and assure you that i will do my utmost to be the best FASe you ever saw.

My Acceptance Speech: I Have A Drink

My Fellow Alcoholics,

i weave before you drunk, not on alcohol for once, but on power.

It is with great humility and a little buzz that i accept the honor YOU, my breathern and sisterns, have thrust upon me.

My Lives, My Loves, My Everythings,

I Have A Drink…

to the day we drinkers will have the best of both worlds, when we will be able to enjoy the pleasures of the buzz as well as the high of life.

I Have A Drink…

to the freedom to be who we are and to the control we need to achieve that.

I Have A Drink…

to our loved ones and to the time they won’t fear the unknown quantity of our drinking; to the day when drinkers and nondrinkers alike will stand together, arm in arm,  on the mountain top as one group, one people, as one family imbibing in the refreshments of our choice.

I Have A Drink…

to the Bar None, our Eldorado, our Valhalla, our Elysian Field where we can lean back with our shoes off and feet on the tables while we learn about ourselves and discover each other before taking those lessons out into the real world where we’ll share our knowledge with such sincerity that we’ll carry the pleasure of the Bar None wherever we wander in our day to day lives.

My Fellow Alcoholics, above all, i am here for You.

When you stumble, i will support you.

When you slur, i will speak for you.

When you are too drunk to feel anything, i will feel for you.

3 thoughts on “Victory! My Acceptance Speech

  1. Congratulations, Al!! (I think…… lol) I am so glad that Tom passed on his congratulations as well! I’m sure he concedes with grace. 🙂

    I’ve been waffling about how exactly to respond to this acceptance speech, but I think I have gotten to the bottom of what to write. Much as a political analyst might do on a talk show to deconstruct the messages in and through an acceptance speech. I’ve decided to say that this is a PERFECT speech for a functioning alcoholic (and you have gained my full endorsement as FASe and party alignment — heh, “party” alignment, get it? – as a result) because there are some parts of it that are so beautifully functional I could weep, and some parts of it that are so alcoholic, I could weep, too!! So you nailed it: functioning AND alcoholic!!! Good on ya!

    I could give you the blow by blow (heh heh) anal-ysis (heh heh heh — although, my punishness is really just too obtuse to compare with yours here. Ugh. You are still the Master of the Pun/Plays on Words) of my thoughts, but I am still trying to figure out what exactly is functional versus alcoholic in the speech, lol. Trying to figure it out has taken me on an interesting internet Googlesearch, though, and I am learning a great deal. Thank you for that… you know how I enjoy a good Googlesearch! Al may be FASe, but GOOGLE IS GOD.

    I do know this much is true: I love you. I love ALL that is you and the motivations for what keeps you putting one foot in front of the other. I love the functional parts of you, and you know what? Through thinking on this speech, this blog, and life, the universe, and everything, I love the alcoholic, too. There are no parts of you that I do not love. I receive, take, and accept it all. So, as the First Lady of the new FASe, I stand by you in your slurring (?). Spokesing? Hmmmm. What to call it…

    Which leads me to these thoughts: What are your platforms for the upcoming period of your being Slurperson? What do you hope to achieve in the coming term? What is your agenda and on what programs to you intend to focus in this term? Where are you headed in the leadership of The Bar None? What do you hope to gain during this, your period of time as Slurperson? (And how long does this term last, BTW? *I*s there a time period in which the FASe is the FASe? Is this a lifetime position? Just curious…) I think these are normal kinds of questions we, the ones who support your reign/leadership/rule/authority, should have, don’t you think? Where are you taking us and what do you hope to gain for yourself, and all of us who are in it with you, as leader of FA?

    As your First Lady, I wish you all the best and all the support you need in this upcoming period as FASe.

    Does this mean I get a new wardrobe, like Michelle Obama? (lol)

    • i’m glad the speech struck a chord with you, babe, and will do my damnedest to merit the alignment you so graciously gave me. I love you too, for all that you are, just as i’m sure you’ll make the best t-totalling Thirst Lady (the official term for the FASe’s significunt other) in history.

      As for the other points you addressed, i’ll be going over my platfoam in more detail as time goes on. At the beginning, i intend to concentrate more on the functional face of drinking than the alcoholic aspect. i’m assuming most D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s have the drinking part down already. BTW, D.R.I.N.K.E.R. (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited) is one of the first wavering steps i’ll be taking as the FASe of this generation.

      The good news is that you DO get a wardrobe! However, it’s less like Michelle Obama’s and more like Cyhterea’s (read ‘totally naked’).

  2. Pingback: Functional Alcoholics Slurperson: My Platfoam « Drinking Blog: Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker

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