Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE FINAL DESTINATION 4

Comes Prematurely
Comes Prematurely

Shinedown’s “Devour” on the Bar None’s Juice-Box:

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: The Final Destination Doesn’t Go Anywhere

i made two mistakes with this movie. 1) i saw it sober, 2) i didn’t see it in 3D. i hate seeing 3D movies in 2D. There are all these special effects like pointy knives and blood splatter that are supposed to freak out a 3D audience but fall flat on us 2 dimensional spectators.

The reason i shoulda got drunk before is because The Final Destination (aka, Final Destination 4) is a one dimensional draft of the last three servings. Every time they take a strong brew and try to serve it up again it just gets more and more watered down–to the point you can’t get drunk and just have to pee a lot and you’d love to grab the bartender by his weeny bow tie and force him to lap up all the diluted slop he’s been pouring all night but you can’t because you have to keep getting up and going to the can. God, i hate that. Just like i hate this movie.

Final Proof: 1 shot (Piss)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots (A Little Weak)

Shantel VanSanten has a too-short scene in pajamas that consist of a tight, spaghetti strap top and panties. Very cute, especially for those of us who think that more than a mouthful is a waste (i’m talking about boobs here, people, not booze).

A Mouthful

A Mouthful

On top of that, literally, there’s the token titty scene of a girl with her large rack (here’s where you want 3D) bouncing on a guy, cowgirl style. The actress (Gabrielle Chapin) is so much better than the rest of the movie and is credited as ‘Girl On Top’. (i kid you not, check out imdb if you don’t believe me.) Someone of her natural charm deserves a more appropriate description; i’m thinking “Sweet & Sexy Girl On Top” or “Charming and Talented Girl On Top”.

A Smoke

Drinks: 1 Shot (Piss)

Once scene has a guy at a sporting event sipping whiskey out of a flask designed as binoculars.

“Is that Jack?”

“Nope, his friend Jim.”

One of the characters killed his wife and kid while driving drunk (‘cept it’s backstory and we don’t get to see it). During the movie he resists the urge to take up the bottle again, though he does toast with apple juice champagne. Woo hoo.

Another guy drunk drives his pickup and constantly swigs out of a 40. Acting drunk is tough and this guy screws the hooch because he basically empties the can by throwing his arm around like a spastic on ice. Real drinkers may drop a glass now and then, we’ve been known to slosh a little when we move, but none of us spill beer through the top of the can repeatedly. Also, he sobers up too quickly but then again maybe that happens when you’re on fire and being dragged behind a truck. i wouldn’t know.

A Smoke

Rock and Roll: 3 ½ (Kinda Strong Stuff)

The only part of the movie that wasn’t empty. Music includes a lot of decent metal, including “Devour” by Shinedown.

A Smoke

Boring Technical Crap

The Final Destination (Final Destination 4)

Directed by David R Ellis

Written by Eric Bress (story) & Jeffrey Reddick (characters)

Starring Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSaten

Click here to read my exclusive interview (with photos) of Gabrielle Chapin.