Some Serious Sh*t

Sorry kids…no comedy today. Tune in tomorrow when i’ll be my usual jovial self.

[Author’s note: Miss Demeanor is my girlfriend and Thirst Lady to my FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson). For more info, check out AlKHall-hics: A Glossary.]

Al K Hall & Miss Demeanor

Al K Hall & Miss Demeanor

A couple weeks ago, i had a bottle of wine at lunch and a six pack of beer after work before heading back home.

Feeling no pain, i entered the apartment and walked into a sobering discussion with Miss Demeanor. As you probably have guessed, i have difficulties with all things sobering.

Hats off to Miss D’s bravery, though. While i have never been (and never will be) physically violent during a binge, i am subject to intermittent bouts of anger that can be quite intense.

“I don’t want to marry you because you drink,” she told me.

Brief interlude: We won’t be going into the administrative reasons why Miss D’s and my lives would be easier if we tied the noose knot.

Ok, she may have candy coated the message and drawn it out longer with a few hems and haws but basically “I don’t want to marry you because you drink” was the message.

Then, just a couple days ago, in the aftermath of a dinner party that went liquid, she cried all day and said the me i was when i drank had been revealed to her and she hated him.

This is a problem because Miss Demeanor is the best i can do. I say that a little tongue in drink because what i mean is, Miss D is perfect for me and it would be impossible for me to find a better girlfriend.

Now i’m not an ugly guy and quite a few sweet strangers slip me a subtle smile as i stroll the streets (and certain senders are even somewhat sublime) but i’m not interested. None of them would want me once she knew who i was. Miss D does a damn good job of accepting as many aspect of me as she possibly can.

This is not to say i love her simply because she loves me. She is a beautiful woman. Long black hair, stonewashed denim eyes, cute freckles, skinny… She is also a sweet, caring and giving lady who easily won the love of my kids and makes the lives of everyone she comes in contact with a little better. She is intelligent, knows most things about everything, and deftly wields a vocabulary larger than this humble writer’s. She’s practical, sensible, sensitive, and laughs at my jokes. She’s more than i could dream of.

Cold Hard Facts

  1. i believe that love should be effortless, and when someone loves you it should not be for who you could be but for who you are.
  2. i’m a drinker. Not a social drinker but a social drunkard.
  3. Drinking is fun and builds experiences.
  4. i believe the purpose of life is to have fun and collect experiences.
  5. Some experiences are hurtful to myself and others.
  6. My drinking adversely affects my relationships with Miss Demeanor and my kids.
  7. i don’t want to damage these relationships.
  8. These relationships are more important to me than alcohol.

That’s the bottom line. These relationships are more important to me than alcohol.

i intend to do everything in my power to continue drinking and preserve a healthy relationship with the people i care most about. But if Busch comes to shove, there are more important things in my life than alcohol.

2 thoughts on “Some Serious Sh*t

  1. I already thanked you verbally OTP for this post, I have plans for how I would like to thank you in person :), but I also wanted to extend the thanks in writing. It’s a very complimentary post to me, something I am not sure I deserve but at the same time, I will take it, and LOOK! I look like Keira! How sweet! 🙂 Keira and Brad, lol!! You told me you were planning to write this, I am happy you did, and now I have a couple of things to write about it, too.

    “Ok, she may have candy coated the message and drawn it out longer with a few hems and haws but basically “I don’t want to marry you because you drink” was the message….
    Then, just a couple days ago, in the aftermath of a dinner party that went liquid, she cried all day and said the me i was when i drank had been revealed to her and she hated him.”

    I’ve been thinking about this part a lot & been interested to see the differences between what I had meant to communicate and what you heard and understood. Communicating things does indeed get filtered through our perspectives and projections and beliefs. I did not record the conversations, so neither of us know the actual words that were spoken, but here is the heart of what I have been concerned about: it is not the DRINKING with which I have an issue, it is the BEHAVIOR that at times (not all the time) results when you have had a few.

    Something your readers need to know & I want you to remember: Miss D started as Miss A and progressed to Mrs. B and then Mrs. C. She is now Miss D contemplating becoming Mrs. E, and is a little freaked out at her progression through the alphabet of “committed” love, questioning her own ability to stick with just ONE letter for longer than a few years, and wondering how she could avoid becoming Ms. F (as in “fucked in relationships”) and living a long and lonely life, something she does NOT want for as we know, things in life are better when shared.

    Mr. B and Mr. C were, at times, very emotionally abusive to me. Mr. B and I were even physically harmful to one another. I am very, very tired of being in these kinds of dysfunctional, emotionally-controlling, and abusive relationships. Sometimes when you drink, you become verbally and emotionally abusive to those around you, and it reminds me of these failed relationships and the reasons why they failed, and I get really, really scared.

    Here is the fear: what if you were to go to that abusive place more often, with or even without drink? I mean, it seems connected to drinking, you only go to “that place” when you have been drinking… but I just wonder that that stuff is even inside of you, and it comes out with the booze. What if, somehow, the drinking in your life becomes uncontrollable and you go to that place more and more? Those questions hold the core of my fears. If I love myself and am taking care of myself, then I really need to think about keeping myself in a relationship where that could happen. To keep myself in the line of fire that way makes me feel very unsafe and afraid.

    I can’t do that to myself, knowingly, again, you know? I want more for myself than abusive relationship after abusive relationship. I hope that makes sense, and even seems reasonable. Thank god/dess you are as functional as you are, for you are in no way, shape or form like this when you do not drink. You are not abusive when you do not drink, and there are even times when you do drink that you are not abusive in the least! I don’t think YOU are at heart this kind of abusive person, but it does freak me out when you go there and it is because you have been drinking.

    Anyways, I am greatly comforted by this understanding you are expressing here: “i intend to do everything in my power to continue drinking and preserve a healthy relationship with the people i care most about. But if Busch comes to shove, there are more important things in my life than alcohol.” Good. I’m glad.

    I kind of wonder a couple of things: first, how will you know if and when it is at “shove”? What are the indicators to you that we have gotten there? How many more episodes of borderline abusiveness — or just one too many “angry episodes” need to happen to define “shove”? What can be done to address the underlying anger, which actually DOES have a right to exist and be expressed, but in healthy ways? Anger is legit, and it is OK to be angry. It doesn’t have to be stuffed, only to be let out at Beer:30. Is there anything we can do to help it not go to a bad place? I hope we can figure this out together.

    Another thing about the whole noose/knot thing.

    You’ve got administrative red tape binding you up, and your string ain’t free to get knotted up with mine in the first place. Loosen thyself. Get yourself free. It is VERY hard for me to make decisions when the whole concept of knot-tying is HYPOTHETICAL. Would you please get thyself to a lawyer already and get yourself into a place where we can have a realistic conversation about this? It is becoming so that with each day this is delayed, it makes our own situation more and more impossible-feeling, you know? Get it done. Please.

    Second, (and this one is for once your tape is no longer tied up) I gotta say that there is this “thing” that we chicks have: we like to be ASKED. It does not have to be fancy, it does not have to be grand, it does not really have to be ANYTHING at all, just a question involving “Will you?” and “Please?” But it really makes NO SENSE to me for you to even think about asking when you are not really free to do so, you know? So, first things first. You know what to do. Go and do it already and then we shall talk, all right?

    Much love to you, thank you again for this blog, and I hope what I wrote clarifies a few things for you, too. *mwah*

  2. I’m re-reading my own comments over and over, lol. I am strangely narcissistic and obsessive about that sometimes, heh, but I want to be sure i have really communicated clearly and accurately what I intend to. About this: “I kind of wonder a couple of things: first, how will you know if and when it is at “shove”? What are the indicators to you that we have gotten there? How many more episodes of borderline abusiveness — or just one too many “angry episodes” need to happen to define “shove”?” I would add “MAY” to this sentence: “What are the indicators to you that we MAY have gotten there?”

    I am NOT saying we are there, by any means. What I intend to convey here is the idea of/the questions “How do we know when a line has been crossed?” and also as a part of that, “Just how much should I be willing to have dished out at me before I say ‘we are at shove now,’?”

    Or, yeah, I guess, maybe in all of this questioning, I am asking the both of us, “Are we at shove yet?”

    I just know this much is true: I want you to love me, I want to love you. I want us both to love all of each other. But even in the best, most generous, and most unconditional loves there are boundaries and limits. For example, last March I crossed a big huge couple of boundaries. You were very clear to me that such must NEVER happen again or you would kick me to the curb! I heard you. I realized I had fucked up big time and now I am living a way of life that excludes me from ever being in that kind of a place again, in large part because of the lifestyle changes I have made. I stopped drinking because of those events, I stopped eating certain foods because of it — knowing that all of those things led me into a depression and despair that was very damaging to myself and to you and led me to do things which and be someone whom I could not control.

    I’m not free of despair now, but I am better and less prone to going to those “bad places” because of those changes. I felt motivated to make those changes in order to ensure that I would never hurt you again in those ways ever again.

    To be honest, I don’t know where my own boundary with this lies. I don’t even know within myself where the line is for telling you what I can and cannot take. Precedence shows I will put up with a lot of & increasing abuse for, on average, about seven years. We’re in Year Two. I don’t know if the Angry Drunk Guy is someone I can tolerate once a week or once a month, or NEVER. I just don’t know….. It’s something I think about a lot, though. I wish I could be strong enough to say for the protection of myself “I will never put up with Drunk Angry Guy again!!” but that feels like a total lie, for I love all of that of which he is a part and have all the understanding about WHY he goes there. I guess I just have a hard time with being his victim.

    I don’t wanna be a victim, you know?

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