Functional Alcoholics Slurperson: My Platfoam

Al K Hall Is King

Al K Hall Is King

As many of you know, on 09/09/09 i was elected Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (aka, FASe). In a comment to my acceptance speech (the now infamous “i Have A Drink”–read it, and the comment, here), Miss Demeanor, my Thirst Lady, asked:

What are your platforms for the upcoming period of your being Slurperson? What do you hope to achieve in the coming term? What is your agenda and on what programs to you intend to focus in this term? Where are you headed in the leadership of The Bar None? What do you hope to gain during this, your period of time as Slurperson? (And how long does this term last, BTW? *I*s there a time period in which the FASe is the FASe? Is this a lifetime position? Just curious…) I think these are normal kinds of questions we, the ones who support your reign/leadership/rule/authority, should have, don’t you think? Where are you taking us and what do you hope to gain for yourself, and all of us who are in it with you, as leader of FA?

This post sets about slaking her thirst for knowledge…

My Platfoam

As mentioned in my Promises, Promises can-pain post, here are the commitments i intend to honor during my mandate:

My Fellow Alcoholics, i promise to

  • Have your backs. i promise that i will call your spouses/partners for you should you want to stay out for ‘just one more’; i will write doctor’s notes for you so you can call in sick, i will provide any alibi necessary for the police…
  • Let you be you. i promise not to criticize you or give you dirty looks if you’ve been drinking.  i will never preach to you. i will never judge you or ask you to be better. Who you are is great enough for me.
  • Support a Functional Alcoholic lifestyle. i promise NEVER to recommend AA or insist that you quit drinking.
  • Give you drinking tips. i promise to make you a better drinker, both in terms of getting drunker and/or staying functionaler.
  • Cure your hangovers. i promise i will ease the pain and strain of morning afters.
  • Prevent hangovers. i promise my advice will let you drink and live relatively hangover free.
  • i also promise to pick you up when you fall.
  • i promise to hold your hair should you puke.
  • i promise to agree with you no matter the crap you spew in bar talk.
  • i promise to hold nothing you say while drinking against you.
  • i promise to come up with original toasts to make you want to drink more.
  • i promise to back up your lies when you bullflirt the hottie at the bar.
  • i promise to pay for more than my fair share of rounds.
  • i promise to be your designated driver no matter how much i’ve had to drink.
  • Brothers and Sisters of the Bar None, i promise that i will commit myself to your FASe and make you proud of who you are. What other politician can stake that claim?

In retrospect, the only thing i’d add to these is this: i promise not to change you, but to do my utmost to help you should you want to change.


My first action as FASe is the creation of Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited (D.R.I.N.K.E.R.). This disorganization will hold regular meetings here in the Bar None and its members are you, my readership.

To become an Honorary Member, you just gotta post a comment. Honorary Members don’t really have any benefits, except for maybe bragging rights.

To become a Full to the Rim Member, you just gotta ask. Full to the Rim Members will be granted ‘contributor’ status here at my Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker, allowing them to submit posts. They will also receive, if they want, insider  e-mails about upcoming events at the Bar None.

Tips & Change

i’ll be posting regularly tongue in drink shots of advice on drinking and making your lives go down better–either through drinking less or dealing with the drinking you do do. Look for “How to Spot An Intervention: Ten Telltale Signs Your High Is Going To Be Jacked” coming soon to a screen near you.