Functional Alcoholics Slurperson: My Platfoam

Al K Hall Is King

Al K Hall Is King

As many of you know, on 09/09/09 i was elected Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (aka, FASe). In a comment to my acceptance speech (the now infamous “i Have A Drink”–read it, and the comment, here), Miss Demeanor, my Thirst Lady, asked:

What are your platforms for the upcoming period of your being Slurperson? What do you hope to achieve in the coming term? What is your agenda and on what programs to you intend to focus in this term? Where are you headed in the leadership of The Bar None? What do you hope to gain during this, your period of time as Slurperson? (And how long does this term last, BTW? *I*s there a time period in which the FASe is the FASe? Is this a lifetime position? Just curious…) I think these are normal kinds of questions we, the ones who support your reign/leadership/rule/authority, should have, don’t you think? Where are you taking us and what do you hope to gain for yourself, and all of us who are in it with you, as leader of FA?

This post sets about slaking her thirst for knowledge…

My Platfoam

As mentioned in my Promises, Promises can-pain post, here are the commitments i intend to honor during my mandate:

My Fellow Alcoholics, i promise to

  • Have your backs. i promise that i will call your spouses/partners for you should you want to stay out for ‘just one more’; i will write doctor’s notes for you so you can call in sick, i will provide any alibi necessary for the police…
  • Let you be you. i promise not to criticize you or give you dirty looks if you’ve been drinking.  i will never preach to you. i will never judge you or ask you to be better. Who you are is great enough for me.
  • Support a Functional Alcoholic lifestyle. i promise NEVER to recommend AA or insist that you quit drinking.
  • Give you drinking tips. i promise to make you a better drinker, both in terms of getting drunker and/or staying functionaler.
  • Cure your hangovers. i promise i will ease the pain and strain of morning afters.
  • Prevent hangovers. i promise my advice will let you drink and live relatively hangover free.
  • i also promise to pick you up when you fall.
  • i promise to hold your hair should you puke.
  • i promise to agree with you no matter the crap you spew in bar talk.
  • i promise to hold nothing you say while drinking against you.
  • i promise to come up with original toasts to make you want to drink more.
  • i promise to back up your lies when you bullflirt the hottie at the bar.
  • i promise to pay for more than my fair share of rounds.
  • i promise to be your designated driver no matter how much i’ve had to drink.
  • Brothers and Sisters of the Bar None, i promise that i will commit myself to your FASe and make you proud of who you are. What other politician can stake that claim?

In retrospect, the only thing i’d add to these is this: i promise not to change you, but to do my utmost to help you should you want to change.


My first action as FASe is the creation of Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited (D.R.I.N.K.E.R.). This disorganization will hold regular meetings here in the Bar None and its members are you, my readership.

To become an Honorary Member, you just gotta post a comment. Honorary Members don’t really have any benefits, except for maybe bragging rights.

To become a Full to the Rim Member, you just gotta ask. Full to the Rim Members will be granted ‘contributor’ status here at my Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker, allowing them to submit posts. They will also receive, if they want, insider  e-mails about upcoming events at the Bar None.

Tips & Change

i’ll be posting regularly tongue in drink shots of advice on drinking and making your lives go down better–either through drinking less or dealing with the drinking you do do. Look for “How to Spot An Intervention: Ten Telltale Signs Your High Is Going To Be Jacked” coming soon to a screen near you.

7 thoughts on “Functional Alcoholics Slurperson: My Platfoam

  1. Thank you for addressing my questions, Mr. FASe! I appreciate the thoroughness with which you addressed your Plat-foam.

    First, I want to hail your creativity in this blog. This blog screams “Creative Life” and I am so glad you are posting daily and doing this. I really think this is a great outlet for you and for your writing, and I am impressed with what you are doing with it. really. It’s very creative and witty and well-thought-out.

    I know you get nervous of late when I comment here, lol. Hell, *I* get nervous when I comment here!! 🙂 I think it is because what is posted here touches on so many buttons for the both of us as this is taking an in-depth look at the role of alcohol in your life, both with a ton of irony and humor as well as a touch of seriousness. It’s hard for me to walk the line of humor and irony when there is a lot of seriousness around the topic. I’m gonna try a little bit, though….

    As far as the content of your Plat-foam, dear Mr. FASe, I will say how I feel about ALL politicians/representatives:spokespeople/those with platforms of any kind:

    I will believe it when I see it. I never really believe many promises, especially from persons in positions of power because it is so damn hard for them to make good on their promises, impossible even most times. I feel kind of sorry for politicians/spokespeople/etc. about this. It is not an easy life to try to speak out and represent. So, what I am going to write I would actually say to ANY politician, etc. How are you going to make good on these promises? Personally, I really wonder how you are going to be so much for so many and fulfill all these promises when it’s hard enough for you to be enough for yourself. OUCH. Okay, eek — lemme try to reach for the HUMOR part of the irony in this. It’s a legit commentary, I think, though.

    What I am trying to say is that I really wish you would not make so many promises, my dear. While, actually, you have been VERY forthcoming so far in making good on these promises in blogs up to now, and I really believe that it is possible given the roll you are on with this to make good on the majority of the promises above, how can you possibly do ALL of this? How do you plan to make good on all of these promises?

    I think I might be answering my own question in my mind as I ask: I guess it is one day at a time, huh. Just like anything else. Okay. You can let me know what you think about this and if you agree it is a one day at a time and a baby steps kind of thing.

    I have to say, though, I feel a little left out. I guess a Thirst Lady would… Pretty much what women in my position do is get platforms and activities of their own because their spouses are busy running countries and all that jazz… I guess it is sort of agreed between a first lady and her governing spouse that his job is going to take him away from her, from their family life, so he can serve a higher cause of (like in the case of the Obamas) governing the Free World. Yeah, also like Carla Bruni Sarkozy, she has really had to continue her own career goals while Nick runs France, huh. It’s what first ladies do, huh. Redecorate the White House and record cheesy albums in French, trying to sound like a 20-year-old at the age of 41.

    I’m up for that. I’m good with it. I’d like to see you being creative because I know it really is a good outlet for you and I truly and fully believe that an outlet such as this serves the both of us for the better in the end. I’ve got my own projects going, but I really DO need to get a job because I want my own laptop now so bad I could about have a brain aneurysm over it!!! I need something more to do in my life, to reach my own goals and spread my own wings (heh), and fly. Support myself, and all that… Mostly what I see is that if you are going to stay busy making good on all these promises to your fellow FAs, then I need to find my own causes and projects on which to work. It’s what I am learning here in Yeah-Man: take care of me, by myself, for myself. I’m getting better and better at it.

    Anyway, I do feel a little left out as a non-drinker. Of all the things you listed up there in your promises, I do not need one of them. There’s no need for me to have my hair held back or rounds to be paid for, no need for me to have an alibi. I take back what I wrote about not needing any of the promises: I guess I do need full acceptance for who I am, and pretty much I have known from the start that I have it from you, so you have made good on that promise. No judgement, unconditional support. I have all of that. I have needed that. So, I thank you for those things.

    I dunno. I guess I sorta feel like if I am NOT a drinker then I am a persona non grata when it comes to you as FASe. What do you plan to give to us non-drinking folk out here who elected you and/or support your role as FASe? What are your promises to us, the non-drinkers? It does not really feel like your Plat-foam has anything to give us. Maybe that’s because you are not serving us, you are serving up for your fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.S.

    I guess I feel like I am floundering for where this leaves someone like me in this whole picture……. Besides the non-judgement for us being non-drinkers and the unconditional support for us to be exactly who we need to be, what do you promise for us? Or, do you even intend to provide anything for us, the Totally Ts? I guess it is okay if you don’t, but I still like to visit the Bar None as long as I feel there is something in it for me. I feel a little like all you wanna do is look forward to holding the hair of some cute, young, drunk needy pukey thing, and that ain’t me anymore…

  2. I’m sorry I misspelled “judgement” so many times. Grrr @ self. I can never remember to leave out the “E.”

    I had one more thought about all of this: you have about 25+ years of experience. How much do you feel the need to continue to be out in the public, being one of the public D.R.I.N.K.E.R.S., rubbing up against (heh heh) those out actively pursuing their drunkenness? I mean, you have a lot of experience with this already, so will you be drawing mostly on your past experiences, or do you still feel the need to be current in your awareness of who is “out there” pursuing FA?

    I kinda feel like as a Totally T I am cramping your style, hindering your abilities to be the alibi, hold back hair, back up lies, and toast. I hate the thought that I might be causing resentment and/or quashing your staying up-to-date on the experiences that come with the territory of being FASe. If you feel you need to go out and do such, will you please let me know?

  3. Babe!

    Don’t take it all so seriously, it’s only life after all.

    To skim over your points, i don’t expect being the FASe of the D-Generation will take up a whole lot of time. For the moment the others in the Bar None have been fairly reticent so there aren’t a whole lot of demands being placed on me for the moment. Other than the time i spend blogging, which is admittedly a lot–and if you feel my blogging time is interfering with ‘us’ time, i’d be more than happy to cut back on that. You are my top priority. You know i don’t mind your being self-sufficient and spreading your wings, but i want you to know that i’m here for you when you need me and i don’t want you to grow to a point where you don’t need me! i know how much i need you in my life and the thought that this sentiment isn’t reciprocal sends chills down my spine.

    As for the Bar None and non-drinkers, there’s a place here for everyone. We love teetotalers, everyone needs a designated driver. Just kidding. i think, for the moment at least, any nondrinkers who happen to stumble into the bar and decide to stay here would probably choose to do so because they had someone in their lives who drinks. So, i guess what i could do for them is to support them and offer my two cents on what they go through. Also, by helping their drinkers (if they ask) deal with the day to day of it all.

    As for your role as Thirst Lady, a place you could start would be to ask for membership to D.R.I.N.K.E.R. (membership by request!), which would give you posting rights and you could post right along side me to drinkers and nondrinkers alike. A nondrinker’s POV here would be a nice contrast.

    Finally, i feel absolutely no desire to go out and party more. You definitely are not cramping my style. At a point in my life when i’m concerned more about drinking like normal people do, you are exactly the person i need in my life.


    • Thank you, my love, for once again allaying my fears. 🙂 “Don’t take it all so seriously, it’s only life after all.” Hee hee hee hee!! Oh the irony in this statement!! With my what I think is a form of Asberger’s Literalism, it’s hard for me to not take anything seriously. I pretty much take things at face value as you know, so subtlety and humor in things sometimes escapes me… So thank you for reminding me/reassuring me.

      “if you feel my blogging time is interfering with ‘us’ time, i’d be more than happy to cut back on that” I honestly have no idea what I want! On the one hand, I can see how good this is for you & deeply feel that what is good for you is good for us. On the other hand, sometimes it is a stretch for me to figure out what I should do with the time when you are here (which actually has been working out lately, too, as I pretty much watch TV and fall asleep doing that…). I am squarely in the center of feeling the tightrope line on this one, which means that I actually think we are finding a pretty good balance with it, overall.

      “i’m here for you when you need me and i don’t want you to grow to a point where you don’t need me! i know how much i need you in my life and the thought that this sentiment isn’t reciprocal sends chills down my spine.” This makes me shiver and not in a good way, too. I definitely walk a tightrope on this one as I know there is a part of you that also does not want to feel responsible and questions his ability to fulfill someone else’s needs, but then there is the guy that wants to be the one that is there for me. It’s a delicate balance, too, for me! I want and need to be able to do things by and for myself, but it is true that I need you, too, very much. A lot of who I believe I am is fulfilled through you (and I don’t say that to bring pressure, but it is also very true… What you think and feel about me is very defining for me, whether I fight it or go with it — I feel like I am not explaining this well here, so we can talk about it later if you want to, or maybe if I want to, too, lol). More than need you in my life, though, I WANT you in my life. I want you there. I desire you to be there. So be warmed by that thought…

      Hmmmm, you know, it might be interesting to be a D.R.I.N.K.E.R. member… I wonder what things I might have to say on topics herein. Hmmmmm. You know, I can see how that might be interesting! Let’s chat about that more, too.

      “Finally, i feel absolutely no desire to go out and party more. You definitely are not cramping my style. At a point in my life when i’m concerned more about drinking like normal people do, you are exactly the person i need in my life.”

      This was good to read, it really is a good thing! But I guess I just wanted to be sure, wanted to really know that you have enough stored up wisdom on the topic to not really have to go out and live it more. I really was gearing up inside for trying to say to you, “You know, if you really DO need to go out, if this is something you need to do for working things out in your brain and in this blog, then go for it!” But I could see how that might also complicate things between us. I am so glad that you would rather spend time with me, in our home together than at a bar. It says a LOT about who we are together and makes me feel more and more safe and secure that this is exactly where the both of us need to be: right by one another’s side (and which helps me a lot in sorting out whether I am ready to tie knots, etc. etc.).

      So thank you. Thank you so much for “hearing” what I was saying in the comments and for responding to each thing so perfectly (and, I know, sincerely, too). I feel very reassured, a most helpful thing to me right now.

      MWAH back.

  4. ggggrrrrrr; No edit feature.

    “Asberger’s Literalism” = Asperger’s

    “I am squarely in the center of feeling the tightrope line on this one, which means that I actually think we are finding a pretty good balance with it, overall.” Need to add: which means that I will try my very best to speak up and let you know if it is feeling imbalanced. Knowing us, it becomes pretty apparent with one another, huh!! 🙂 We seem to have a knack for addressing stuff when it comes time to do so, like there is something between us, a magnet or something, that when we get too far off course with being disconnected with one another, we are compulsed to come back to center and connect again.

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