10 Sports You Can Do While Drinking (A Top 10 Lips)

1. Bocce Ball

The first boozer sport. Invented by ancient Aztec alkies so they could get their drink on while exercising. Or something.

Bocce drinking

Check Out The Wuss Drinking From A *Glass*

2. Horseshoes

Proof that rednecks are descendant from ancient Aztecs.

Horseshoes

Yeah, Like You Needed Proof

3. Bowling

Sure it’s a sport, the men got those developed bellies.

Bowling

Ball Handlers

4. Darts

Drinking even improves your performance.

Darts Strip

An Extra Challenge? Strip Darts!

5. Golf

The only sport where you can drink and Drive.

golf sexy drunks

Swingers

6. Fishing

Sometimes all you catch is a buzz.

Fishing

What Does He Do If He Actually Catches Something?

7. Canoeing / Rafting

Not kayaking, though—there’s no place for a cooler.

Rafting

Mmmmm, Water Sports

8. Croquet

Yes. It’s a sport. Chuttup!

Croquet

My Wicket's All Sticky

9. Jarts

The danger factor is an added bonus.

Jarts

Whoa! Watch The Tip, Babe!

10. Bar Hopping / Pub Crawling

Like you didn’t know this was coming.

Bar Hopping

First You Hop, Then You Crawl

An Al K Hall (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson of the D-Generation) Top Ten List

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of SURROGATES

Surrogates banner

Surrogates poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the soundtrack, in the Juice-box: Breaking Benjamin – I Will Not Bow

[Press ‘Play’ to play]

Ramblings: Go Ahead, Accept Substitutes

Final Proof:2 Shots

2 shotsYou know how you go to a bar on Tuesday night? You don’t expect to get drunk, you don’t expect to meet friends, you don’t really expect to have a good time but sometimes it’s nights you expect the least that take off most unexpectedly. Then again, if that happened with any regularity, bars would always be packed on Tuesdays. They’re not, because usually the only real action in the bar on Tuesday comes from the cleaning woman vacuuming so she can clear out early and the bartender checking his watch so often it seems he’s doing it loudly, like the the watch face will tell him it’s ok to call last call hours early to save the time and money you and the two odd whispering men spilling inside the booth next to the bathrooms are wasting on this investment that won’t pan out to anything more than fool’s gold no matter if you wait all the way until Friday night. Surrogates is kinda like that.

The idea behind Surrogates is interesting, if not original (I, Robot did it earlier and better), but this movie is based on a graphic novel so it’s not like the producers can take credit for that. Swear to god, two movies in two nights and both were graphic novels. Graphic novels are the new black. On the bright side, it means we’ve put the horrendous French remakes of the 90’s behind us once and for all.

Surrogates is supposed to be science-faction (science fiction/action) but it’s disappointingly slow for an action film. Way too much dialogue and sentiment. The older man sitting left of Miss Demeanor and the younger black guy beside me both fell asleep; Miss D even giggled when the old dude started snoring. Hell, i dozed off for a couple minutes towards the end.

Ahh, the end. Typical Hollywood. You’d think a city that ends with ‘wood’ could provide a stronger, harder climax.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shotsWhile there are no actual sex scenes or nudity, there are so many hot actresses here that you need a program to tell them apart. Good thing i’m here, huh?

Rhada Mitchell as (Peters):

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell

Smokin' and Looking Sufficiently Drunk for the Bar None

Here’s Rosamund Pike (Maggie):

Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike

Rosamund Pike

For more Rosamund pics, i served up some shots on the Booze Revooze for An Education

Here’s Helena Mattsson (JJ):

Helena Mattsson

Helena Mattsson

Helena Mattsson

Plus, you know me, i’m all about the Silver Butterflies: those beautiful and talented girls who grace the screen with their splendor during their oh so fleeting appearances on film. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of them.

This is Taylor Cole (‘Female Lawyer’):

Taylor Cole

This is Valerie Azlynn (Bridget):

Valerie Azlynn

Is She Not Just The Cutest Thing?

Best of luck in your metamorphoses, my dears.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nothing. Nada. As in ‘Not A Drop’. As in ‘Easter Sunday In A Utah Desert’.

The closest we come is the surrogates getting ‘turned on’ by pressing what looks like an electronic bong to their electrodes.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The movie was too boring to give any points for the action, and the only rock and roll music in the movie came during the end credits (that’d be the Breaking Benjamin song up top). i don’t know about y’all, but i’m getting damn sick and tired of movies that stick some token pop metal song in at the very end while you’re putting on your coat and heading off to the can. Let’s put rock back IN the movies, where it belongs.

Slurred Speeches

This oughta give you an idea of how riveting the dialogue was:

You have to kill the addict if you want to kill the addiction.

For real. Like you have to amputate the arm if you want to cure the hangnail.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Michael Ferris and John Brancato (screenplay)

Based on: The graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele

Directed by: Jonathan Mostow

Starring

Radha Mitchell – Peters

Rosamund Pike – Maggie

Helena Mattsson – JJ

Taylor Cole – Female Lawyer

Valerie Azlynn – Bridget

Bruce Willis – Tom Greer

Bottom Line

Don’t see it.

Surrogates banner

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of WHITEOUT

poster1

Chill Out

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the soundtrack, in the Juice-box: Marc Bolan & T-Rex – Laser Love

[Press ‘Play’ to get the Rock rolling]

Ramblings: A Cold Day In Hell

Final Proof:2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shotsHere’s exactly when i knew i was in trouble. Sitting in the front row of the near empty theater as the opening credits started to roll, i was thinking about how the movie wasn’t exactly going to be all that but at least i’d be able to watch Kate Beckinsale for 101 minutes. Right then it hit me like a clump of gushy snow falling off an awning and dripping down the back of my shirt: Kate Beckinsale was going to spend 101 minutes in ANTARCTICA, so the chances of her playing beach volleyball in a bikini were anorexic to none. Doh!

You know how you decide to go to a bar you know is going to suck but you want to go anyway because there’s this really hot girl that’s going to be there? So you get there and the bar smells funny and the people there aren’t really jerks but they’re not just people you’d consider cool? So you settle in and the hot girl shows up, only she’s wearing this huge, baggy sweater, a goofy knit hat and sweat pants. Whiteout was kinda like that.

Whiteout didn’t disappoint: i expected bad. At least it had the decency to be not as bad as i’d feared.

The stuff that wasn’t that bad included Kate Beckinsale’s doing a decent job with what the role of US Marshal Carrie Stetko had to offer. Also, in between the repetitive and repetitive and repetitive flashbacks, the stilted dialogue and disappointing visual effects (is it really that hard to fake snow?), director Dominic Sena was able to squeeze in a couple suspenseful scenes. However, despite some chilling moments, Whiteout left me cold.

Sometimes i gotta wonder if the production staff set out with the goal of ‘just mediocre’. It wasn’t just the lazy directing and writing, either. Gabriel Macht looked like he thought he was filling someone else’s snowshoes in a CSI: Antarctica episode. The story was predictable too, not surprising considering it was based on a graphic novel, but only the novel part made it to the screen. What happened to the graphic?

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

1-2 shotLike i said in the intro to this review, it was only after i’d sat down that i realized the movie was set in Ant-freaking-arctica so there was no way Kate Beck-on-sale was going to be showing off her wares.

i was kinda wrong, though. Seems even people in the South Pole need to shower at times. Thank god some of them need to do it the very first thing in the movie.

No sooner than the opening credits end, we get Kate disrobing down to this industrial strength sports bra, bending over a little to adjust the water temp, and then getting into the shower. Here Sena offers pretty traditional steamy water Titty Blocking (when an actress is topless but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques).

After this, there’s nothing remotely sexual that takes place anywhere in the entire movie. There aren’t even any other actresses. Sometimes, however, all you need is one.

kate-beckinsale-39

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale

What Happens When You Wear Gauze in the Arctic (1)

Kate Beckinsale

What Happens When You Wear Gauze in the Arctic (2)

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale

Oh yeah, i almost forgot. It doesn’t really count as ‘sex’ for me, but some of y’all might be interested to learn that there’s a brief frontal shot of three men streaking in the snow. Their ‘icicles’ are blurred out and have shrunk down to stubs, but hell, you think Santa and the Jingle Balls shrivel up in cold water, try whipping them out on a polar ice cap.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

In the intro, we get some white Russians in a cargo plane drinking vodka. As a distraction to open fire, the guy with the gun drops the bottle to make another guy scramble frantically to retrieve it (hey, Russians and vodka, babes). Later in the movie, a pink shirted (’cause he doesn’t really die) black guy takes a fifth off the wreckage and swigs from it before driving off in his snow truck to the initial admonishments of his buddy who warns him it will decrease body temperature before laughing gaily and hitting it himself.

Tom Skerritt’s character, Dr John ‘Doc’ Fury, has a penchant for scotch, which he swallows before a walk into the snow.

Whiteout actually did have something to teach me about alcohol, though. Well, actually, it taught me about arctic ice. See, there’s a scene when revelers pour whiskey on ice and the whiskey looks like it’s boiling. What happens is, ice on the poles has been compressed for millenia (which means a really long time, like how long a church picnic feels when no one’s spiked the lemonade). The air has been super compacted inside the ice, so when you pour warm water–or liquor–over it, the compressed gas escapes (think beer farts on a road trip) and the liquid looks like it’s boiling.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

In the whiskey sequence i mentioned above, there’s a live band rousing the rabblers to the tune of T-Rex’s “Laser Love”. Apart from that, Whiteout is completely barren of both Rock & Roll music and attitude.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber, Chad Hayes and Carey W Hayes

Based on: The graphic novel by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber

Directed by: Dominic Sena

Starring

Kate Beckinsale – US Marshal Carrie Stetko

Gabriel Macht – Robert Pryce

Tom Skerritt – Dr John ‘Doc’ Fury

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. If you see it just for Kate, leave after she gets out of the shower (less than five minutes in).

i Am A Dip (SO Maniac!)

A Dead Little Penguin

From the Juice-box, Tom Waits – Bad Liver And A Broken Heart (in Lowell):

[Press ‘Play’ to Play]

Dipsomania

Part of my job as FASe of the Drinking Generation is to occasionally don a professor’s robes.

The lecture today is on Dipsomania (for which i researched Wkiki extensively).

A long time ago, ‘dipsomania‘ was used to mean normal alcoholism. It’s not used much anymore because people prefer words that are easier to type. Especially while drinking.

Still, ‘dipsomania‘ now can refer to “describe a particular condition of periodic, compulsive bouts of alcohol intake.

i think you see where i’m going’ with this. What intellectuals call dipsomania, you and i call binge drinking. Which makes me a dipsomaniac.

The questions now before the Bar are: What (if any) are the differences between Binge Drinking and Chronic Alcoholism? Can Binge Drinkers become Moderate Drinkers?

Stay tuned while we explore these and other, less obtuse and more fun, issues.

Class dismissed.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Tom Waits – Bad Liver and a Broken Heart

Well, I got a bad liver and a broken heart

Yeah, I drunk me a river since you tore me apart

And I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink

And I wish you’d a known her, we were quite a pair

She was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer

So welcome to the continuing saga

She was my better half and I was just a dog

And so here I am slumped, I’ve been chipped

I’ve been chumped on my stool

So buy this fool some spirits and libations

It’s these railroad station bars

And all these conductors and the porters

And I’m all out of quarters

And this epitaph is the aftermath

Yeah, I choose my path, hey, come on, Kath

He’s a lawyer, he ain’t the one for ya

No, the moon ain’t romantic, it’s intimidating as hell

And some guy’s trying to sell me a watch

And so I’ll meet you at the

Bottom of a bottle of bargain Scotch

I got me a bottle and a dream

It’s so maudlin it seems

You can name your poison

Go on ahead and make some noise

I ain’t sentimental, this ain’t a purchase

It’s a rental and it’s purgatory

And hey, what’s your story, well, I don’t even care

‘Cause I got my own double-cross to bear

And I’ll see your Red Label, and I’ll raise you one more

And you can pour me a cab, I just can’t drink no more

‘Cause it don’t douse the flames that are started by dames

It ain’t like asbestos, it don’t do nothing but rest us assured

And substantiate the rumors that you’ve heard

Hangover Blooze

Jim Morrison

From the Bar None Juice-box: just press ‘Play’.

i Don’t Want To Be Jim Morrison Anymore

You can pro’lly tell i used to be a preacher. A preacher-in-training, anyway. i have preached a sermon in front of a congregation of around 300 people. All of this before the age of 18. But then again, who hasn’t?

Jim Morrison converted me. By that i mean got me out of the church. i read No One Here Gets Out Alive and it threw a switch in me. i realized i could be anything i wanted to be, i learned i was allowed to have fun.

What Flicked My Switch

What Flicked My Switch

Jim Morrison took up residence in me and erred behind my Doors. Until i started drinking. As soon as i got my buzz on, the Doors of perception got blown off their hinges.

That worked for a couple decades.

Now i want to be Robert Plant.

Robert Plant

From the Bar None Juice-box: just press ‘Play’.

The easy thing about being Jim Morrison is that he died when he was 27. He was never (legally) married and his love life was disastrous.

Robert Plant, however, partied like a fiend when he was fronting Zeppelin. If you don’t believe me, check out Hammer Of The Gods:

Hammer Of The Gods

But Plant had the bad luck of not dying. He grew up.

On the bright side, he evolved. His attitude is zen and his talent has aged like fine leather.

He’s made the necessary changes to be happy, and not just happy, but happy with himself.

i could use a little of that today…

A Smoke

Lyrics

The Doors – Break On Through

You know the day destroys the night,
Night divides the day
Tried to run, tried to hide,
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through to the other side, yeah.

We chased our pleasures here,
Dug our treasures there,
But can you still recall the time we cried?
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through to the other side.

Yeah!
C’mon, yeah.

Everybody loves my baby,
Everybody loves my baby.
She gets
She gets
She gets
She gets higghhhh!

I found an island in your arms,
A country in your eyes,
Arms that chained us, eyes that lied.
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through, wow, oh yeah!

Made the scene week to week,
Day to day, hour to hour,
The gate is straight, deep and wide,
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through to the other side,
Break on through,
Break on through,
Break on through,
Break on through,
Break, break, break, break,
Break, break, break, break,
Break.

Robert Plant – Horizontal Departure

And you said you’d never leave me
And you said you’d be my only one
And I said you’d never grieve me, baby
For things you do when you are only having fun
You said you’d cry a river
I thought you meant you’d cry a river of tears
You’d rather die than live without me, baby
But little girl, you’re so insincere

You know you count your blessings
But now I find that you were counting sheep, counting sheep
And then I try to court your feelings
I caught your eye and then you caught my cheek
All the things must come to fruit now
And there you stood so proud the apple of my eye
You said you’d never leave me, baby
But little girl, that’s the reason why
Whoa – that’s why I have to leave you all alone
Whoa – that’s why you have to leave me all alone

Let’s go collect our prize now
So entertaining we were number one, number one
The judge is hypnotised now
But after all we both been fooled for so damn long
So face the crowd and take a bow now, bow now
‘Cause one more time and it will all be done
‘Cause I must leave the show to you now, baby
My last performance has just begun
Whoa – that’s why I have to leave you all alone
Whoa – that’s why you have to leave me all alone —

Stop and think for a minute, baby
As they bring the curtain down
Another drink, then another maybe
The toast will not be found

I taught you style, the ducking and the weaving
We were famous for
And here’s to him, and here’s to yours
And you can take the floor, the floor
Whoa – that’s why I have to leave you all alone
Whoa – that’s why you have to leave me all alone

I don’t know – so you turned around and found another fool
I don’t know – so you turned around and found another —

Dregs of the Week: Oct 19 – 25, 2009

Lindsay & Ali Lohan

October 23: Looks like we don’t need to worry our pretty little heads over it anymore. According to Lindsay Lohan, her 15 year old sister knows when to leave the party early and go home to study. Able to earn from her big sister’s mistakes, apparently. “She has a good head on her shoulders,” Lindsay said, without mentioning the rest of Ali. A mistake i refuse to compound; judge for yourselves:

Ali Lohan

Ali Lohan bikini

Ali Lohan

A Smoke

October 16: Here are the BEAR facts. In Minnesota (i’m not sure which town, but it’s ok, there’s like only one anyway), a brown bear BEARelled into a grocery store and went straight to the BEAR cooler. The video’s here, if you want to grin and BEAR it. (Y’all didn’t know i was sponsored by the American Pun Assholeciation did ya?)

A Smoke

October 20: Speaking of fridges, a guy broke into a pub in Ridge Manor, Florida. Instead of stealing anything, he pried open the door to a storage shed, ate a can of tomatoes and then fell asleep. He was found by security guards the next morning. Drunk before he got there, ya think? Jeebus, doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

A Smoke

October 22: Speaking of bar robbery, there’s a woman, either rocket scientist or hitching post, not sure which but it doesn’t really matter anyway, goes into this bar in Massachusetts. She leaves later, with some guy, and gets mugged right outside the place. Tragic. The thieves got $27,000. Wow, super lucky thieves, right? Nope, turns out the woman was walking around the bar showing everyone the 27 grand in her purse that she’d gotten from sort of insurance settlement. Guess what the police officer said. i quote: “The woman should have put her cash settlement in a bank.” Come to the Bar None, babes, if you really want someone to Serve you and then Protect you.

A Smoke

October 19: i wanna party like they do in Reno. There’s 50-year-old there who’s been busted three times for DUI. And not just three times, but three times in 17 days. Go ahead and party in Reno, if you like, but stay off the streets for chrissakes. Doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

A Smoke

October 20: Speaking of DWI, you want a lazy boy, i got your lazy boy. Dennis Anderson (or Leroy Dennis, depends on the site) pleaded guilty to drunk driving his recliner. Seemed he went the bar, pounded 8 or 9 beers, hopped on his motorized recliner and crashed into another car while driving home. Don’t ask me why, but all of this gives me an idea for a toilet seat bar stool. The Bar None could use that kind of creativity. Anyways, here’s the chair:

La-Z Boy Car

A Smoke

October 22: Finally, what would a Dregs of the Week be without a Mug Shot? Here’s Dennis Quaid’s:

Dennis Quaid Mug ShotHere’s Dennis Quaid in his car after leaving a bar:

Dennis Quaid01

Now, here’s the cops telling him he shouldn’t be driving:

Dennis Quaid03

Here’s Quaid getting out of his car and going back to the bar to call a cab:

Dennis Quaid02

Now is it just me, or are the police giving him a break they didn’t give the La-Z boy? Like i always say, better a movie star than a redneck. Just sayin’.

A Smoke

C’mon, you knew i wouldn’t be able to leave without one more Ali Lohan shot:

Are You Thinking What i'm Thinking?

Are You Thinking What i'm Thinking?

A Smoke

On a final note…

i broke a hundred!

Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker currently has a total of 116 hits for the day, so for the first time since i started this blog (i began posting regularly at the end of August 2009), i’ve had over 100 hits in one day.

In 2 months, the Bar None has served over 1,600 readers and has increased Patronizers for every week since its foundation.

i would like to thank Miss Demeanor for her constant help, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding.

i’d like to thank my lesbians.

i’d like to thank all y’all who are coming here to read the Booze Revooze; i hope you spend more time and take a look around the other offers on tap.

i’d especially like to thank Ken, Conan the Troutman, the crabby old guy, Gabrielle Chapin,  Shell for making the effort to leave comments and all the rest of you faceless masses who are still holding back. Hopefully you’ll feel more and more at ease here and be willing to share your stories. i’d love to hear them.

Thank you again for patronizing me. If you had fun, invite a friend.

A Post From My Lesbians

My Lesbians’ Message Is After The Photos

Here are my Lipstick Lesbians (i have their permission to post these photos, so i’m goin’ for it):

My First Lesbian

PICT2178

My Lesbians Together

My Lesbians Kissing

My Lesbians Kissing

My Hot Lesbians

A Lesbian Kiss

My Lessbians Kissing Some More

People in AA will NEVER give you this sh*t.

i Al K Hall, your FASe, am going above and beyond what the rest of the world could bring. Look, i could be on the wagon and spending all my time telling you what not to do, but has AA hooked you up with photos of lipstick lesbians kissing? Does being off the wagon mean you can’t get into two HOT lesbians in their 20’s? Does not drinking mean  you’re immune to the idea of young lesbians kissing?

There is a message other than: DON’T DRINK AND BE SAFE. The message is: DRINK AND HAVE FUN.

It is possible, you know.

i now give the floor to my lesbians. [i have not edited their message because they’re cute when they’re buzzed.]

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

So, this is Dani and Melinda speaking….now that we are all a bit tipsy Al isn’t able to post…but we are! Because we have our American keyboard, not this squirelly French Keyboard.

SO! What to talk about, as Al’s lesbians….hmmmm…we just spent a significant amount of time educating Al […] about what Lesbian sex IS. We tried to teach all the things that any man should know about the lady body[…]. Let’s see, what are some of those tips:

1. Wait til it’s WET! Just do it. Don’t do the lick finger/hand thing, keep playing with the clit and rest of body until you have appropriate wetness. Don’t just dive in.

2. Scissoring exist, yes…but don’t think that Mr. Garison is the epideomy of lesbian sex. There is so much more to lesbian sex than the scissor.

3. The clit is almost MORE important than the vagina. But the whole body and the brain is the most important sex organ! Lots of kissing. Listen to the body, yada yada

4. Fisting shouldn’t really be enacted until you’ve got an older woman, maybe one that’s had a kid. And if you DO decide to do it, start with a finger…go to two, three and four, BUT don’t slam them in. The knuckles are a huge step, take it easy!

So thats the lessons we imparted on Al […]….stay tuned for more Al K Hall’s advice in the future!

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Yeah, like i coulda made that up.