DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers

Are You MADD?

Are You MADD?

From the Juice-box, “Behold A Virgin Shall Conceive Like A Virgin”

[Press ‘Play’]

Those crazy Mothers…

Drinks are on Mothers Against Drunk Driving. The only problem is, no matter how many of them you chug, the only place they’ll get you is bathroom. And not even to puke but to pee.

Yes, MADD is planning to release a range of alcohol-free beverages. (Funny how you can go from heaven to hell just by switching words around. Observe: “Free Alcohol” = Paradise / “Alcohol Free” = The Fiery Pits.) The line of beverages will include non-alcoholic mojitos (every time you say ‘non-alcoholic mojito’ a Hemingway dies), margaritas, piƱa coladas, beer, red wine, white wine and sparkling wines, and shall be christened MADD Virgin Drinks. (Whence the tunes at the top of the page to serenade you.)

Here at the Bar None we don’t get MADD, we get even. The following is a line of drinks DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) & D.R.I.N.K.E.R (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited) plan to unleash on the general public in the not so near future. The products are designed to seem like virgin drinks, but in fact pack quite a punch. That way, you can drink them in any social situation where booze is unwelcome. You’ll note the cocktails have been named in honor of MADD.

The Rear Ender

Take a Passion juice (Star fruit works really well, mango too, in a pinch) and lace it with rum (use lots of lace). Serve in a juice glass or juice box.

This is a good drink for breakfast and a nice way to gaily start your day.


Open a can of Dr Pepper, drink 1/3 and fill it back up with gin. (White alcohols are hardest to detect on the breath.)

Drink this while you’re at work. Work is sobering. Sobering is bad.

Head On Collision

Empty an entire bottle of mineral and refill it with 1/3 white tequila, 1/3 gin and 1/3 vodka.

A good drink after (or during) effort of any kind. Note: family reunions and talks with the spouse count as ‘effort’. You pro’lly won’t be able to finish it but, then again, you pro’lly won’t need to.

i maintain P.C. stands for “Pour Cocktails”.


PS A shout out to DriverSide | backseat driver, a website that linked my Booze Nooze article about the 13-year-old designated driver.