Ramblings: Lots of ‘Rock’, Not Much Roll
Final Proof:2 Shots
Hard to believe, but here in Yeman i get served first for a change. Instead of reviewing a movie months after everyone else has seen it, i finally get the opportunity to score before the rest of the riffraff. Just to rub it in a little, here are some screen shots i stole in the theater. i know the quality is bad, but it’s a lot better than anything you have to show me, isn’t it. Here, then, is your sneak peek.
You know how when you were in high school and you’d go to a party where there’s the one drunk ass who loves sneaking up behind girls and startling them by grabbing their shoulders and screaming in their ear so they jump and spill their beers and he giggles as he looks for the next chick to do it to? He thinks everyone yelling at him and telling him to get the hell out is part of the game and he truly considers himself to be the entertainment for the evening and the next time you see him he’ll say “Remember that one party where I scared all the girls and they freaked? That was pretty awesome!” The Descent: Part 2 is kinda like that.
The director, Jon Harris, must’ve done that a lot when he was younger ’cause that’s pretty much all he does here. He confuses suspense with making people jump, not realizing the former is an art and the second is cheap. The first Descent was great until you saw the monsters because of the violence and the ambiguity surrounding the cause of it. Then the hellions showed up and the movie sank into standard horror fare. Unfortunately, The Descent 2 starts out with the monsters so all we get is Friday The Thirteenth in a cave and not even a token titty shot to tide us over.
The other major drawback of The Descent 2 are the WTF!? moments. i won’t go into them here because i don’t want to spoil anything, but looking at my notes i find at least five times where the story was so absurd i just had to ask myself: WTF!? (Ok, i can’t resist, SPOILER ALERT! At the beginning of the movie, Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) can’t remember what happened in the cave during The Descent (WTF!?) and the police suspect her of killing her friends so they decide to take her to the cave again (WTF!?) and when she gets there she doesn’t freak out (WTF!?) until she has a flashback and realizes all of the horrors that happened there so she RUNS AWAY FROM THE GROUP (WTF!?) and, instead of looking for an exit, SHE RUNS DEEPER INTO THE CAVES! (WTF!?))
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
There’s less skin in TD2 than a full-veil festival in Saudi Arabia. The actresses in the movie may be cute, but there’s too many layers of blood and guts to scrape off first to be sure. Those of you who are into women covered with mud and blood will get into this, but those of us who prefer our heroines uncovered will leave the caves unsated.
Natalie Jackson Mendoza:
Drink: 0 Shots
Nothing. Dry as Salt Lake City on Sunday.
Rock & Roll: 1½ Shots
Obviously there’s not a hint of real tuneage in this movie, unless you count the ‘crashing piano’ sound effect designed to startle you as music.
i’ll give the rock and roll attitude of the thing a shot and a half, though. Some (i can think of two off the top of my head) of the scenes were original, there’s enough gore to satisfy and when the entire movie takes place in a cave, you’re gonna have a lot of rock.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: J Blakeson, James McCarthy
Directed by: Jon Harris
Shauna Macdonald – Sarah
Anna Skellern – Cath
Natalie Jackson Mendoza – Juno
Don’t fall for it. See the original Descent again, instead.