i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies (Part 2)

Blow Me

Blow Me

In my continuing effort to serve you as the FASe of the D-Generation (Drinking-Generation), i humbly present the following public disservice:

i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies

Part 2: What It All Means

Lifted From Wiki

Lifted From Wiki

BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.

Here’s what it all means for us normal people:

0.01-0.029%

What You Do

  • Remember you have a watch
  • Have taste
  • Feel like crap

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Feel superior
  • Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
  • Stop drinking

What You Can’t Do

  • Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
  • Leave
  • Have fun

0.03-0.059%

What You Do

  • Pretend you’re not drunk
  • Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
  • Believe everything you say

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Drink stronger booze
  • Play games in traffic
  • Allow anyone to film you

What You Can’t Do

  • Count how fast you drink
  • Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
  • Accurately judge the passage of time

0.06-0.10%

What You Do

  • Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
  • Walk into walls and spill your beer
  • Sing TV theme songs

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
  • Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
  • Think karaoke is a good idea

What You Can’t Do

  • Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
  • Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
  • Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one

0.11-0.20%

What You Do

  • Pick fights
  • Cry over everything
  • Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
  • Join a drinking game
  • Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand still
  • Stop drinking
  • Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”

0.21-0.29%

What You Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Forget everything you say
  • Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
  • Debate anything with your significant other
  • Ride in a car with a nice interior

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand up
  • Sit up
  • Make complete sentences

0.30-0.39%

What You Do

  • Pee your pants
  • Hit on everything
  • Take everything way too seriously

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Brag about peeing your pants
  • Heed the call to expose private body parts
  • Sleep on your back

What You Can’t Do

  • Talk
  • Have ‘just one more’
  • Say “Call 911”

>0.40%

What You Do

  • Pass out
  • Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
  • Die

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Expose yourself to open flames
  • Leave the bathroom
  • Die

What You Can’t Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Wake up
  • Breathe

A Smoke

The Other Posts

i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content for Dummies (Part 1)

i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content for Dummies (Part 3)

5 thoughts on “i Got Your BAC: Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies (Part 2)

  1. How nice to know how the upper eschelon live (or stop living as the case may be). Drew the line at .029% long ago (of course I am foolish enough to believe that line can be extended many more drinks than it probably is)

    • i’ve always been tempted to test myself. i have a supermarket breathalyzer around here somewhere, but then i get too drunk to remember it…

      • BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

        Oh that is so funny and so sadly true I am totally cracking up, hahahaha!

        Ohhh, I wish we could have gotten this into tabular format for you, sweetie!

        I love it, it’s accurate, truthful, funny, and yet not-so funny — walking that tightrope that you do on this blog & is really why I like it, I like what it is doing for you in being a creative outlet and shows that, really, I still can find my own sense of humor in this all.

        Keeping a balance with a sense of humor is a good thing, for sure.

        BTW: I just noticed on your Twitter that you were worried about drinking on Sunday. I just wanted to say, good on ya for holding it to what you did. It was really cool that you could and did maintain a line, a boundary, with it, and I am proud of you.

    • i knew what you meant, Sweetie.

      Thanks as well for the props on the post. It’s not an easy line to walk, but i feel really comfortable in that gray area.

      Yeah, i was pleased with how well SUnday turned out, too. Everybody wins!

      Al K Hall

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