October 23: Looks like we don’t need to worry our pretty little heads over it anymore. According to Lindsay Lohan, her 15 year old sister knows when to leave the party early and go home to study. Able to earn from her big sister’s mistakes, apparently. “She has a good head on her shoulders,” Lindsay said, without mentioning the rest of Ali. A mistake i refuse to compound; judge for yourselves:
October 16: Here are the BEAR facts. In Minnesota (i’m not sure which town, but it’s ok, there’s like only one anyway), a brown bear BEARelled into a grocery store and went straight to the BEAR cooler. The video’s here, if you want to grin and BEAR it. (Y’all didn’t know i was sponsored by the American Pun Assholeciation did ya?)
October 20: Speaking of fridges, a guy broke into a pub in Ridge Manor, Florida. Instead of stealing anything, he pried open the door to a storage shed, ate a can of tomatoes and then fell asleep. He was found by security guards the next morning. Drunk before he got there, ya think? Jeebus, doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?
October 22: Speaking of bar robbery, there’s a woman, either rocket scientist or hitching post, not sure which but it doesn’t really matter anyway, goes into this bar in Massachusetts. She leaves later, with some guy, and gets mugged right outside the place. Tragic. The thieves got $27,000. Wow, super lucky thieves, right? Nope, turns out the woman was walking around the bar showing everyone the 27 grand in her purse that she’d gotten from sort of insurance settlement. Guess what the police officer said. i quote: “The woman should have put her cash settlement in a bank.” Come to the Bar None, babes, if you really want someone to Serve you and then Protect you.
October 19: i wanna party like they do in Reno. There’s 50-year-old there who’s been busted three times for DUI. And not just three times, but three times in 17 days. Go ahead and party in Reno, if you like, but stay off the streets for chrissakes. Doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?
October 20: Speaking of DWI, you want a lazy boy, i got your lazy boy. Dennis Anderson (or Leroy Dennis, depends on the site) pleaded guilty to drunk driving his recliner. Seemed he went the bar, pounded 8 or 9 beers, hopped on his motorized recliner and crashed into another car while driving home. Don’t ask me why, but all of this gives me an idea for a toilet seat bar stool. The Bar None could use that kind of creativity. Anyways, here’s the chair:
October 22: Finally, what would a Dregs of the Week be without a Mug Shot? Here’s Dennis Quaid’s:
Here’s Dennis Quaid in his car after leaving a bar:
Now, here’s the cops telling him he shouldn’t be driving:
Here’s Quaid getting out of his car and going back to the bar to call a cab:
Now is it just me, or are the police giving him a break they didn’t give the La-Z boy? Like i always say, better a movie star than a redneck. Just sayin’.
C’mon, you knew i wouldn’t be able to leave without one more Ali Lohan shot:
On a final note…
i broke a hundred!
Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker currently has a total of 116 hits for the day, so for the first time since i started this blog (i began posting regularly at the end of August 2009), i’ve had over 100 hits in one day.
In 2 months, the Bar None has served over 1,600 readers and has increased Patronizers for every week since its foundation.
i would like to thank Miss Demeanor for her constant help, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding.
i’d like to thank my lesbians.
i’d like to thank all y’all who are coming here to read the Booze Revooze; i hope you spend more time and take a look around the other offers on tap.
i’d especially like to thank Ken, Conan the Troutman, the crabby old guy, Gabrielle Chapin, Shell for making the effort to leave comments and all the rest of you faceless masses who are still holding back. Hopefully you’ll feel more and more at ease here and be willing to share your stories. i’d love to hear them.
Thank you again for patronizing me. If you had fun, invite a friend.