The Bar None Juiced-box: (Don’t) Take My Picture – Filter

Because i just haven’t posted that much totally gay music lately:

[Press ‘Play’ to flame]

D'arcy Wretzky

To Add Some Testosterone To This Post

D'arcy Wretzky

My Excuse Is That D'arcy Wretzky Sang On A Couple Filter Tunes

D'arcy Wretzky

D'arcy Wretzky in The Bar None

What’s going on that i would add such a lame song to the juiced-box? The truth lies in the story behind the song.

Here’s Jason Patrick, lead guy of Filter:

Richard Patrick of Filter

Richard Patrick went to rehab for something like six years.

Here’s what he looked like last week:

Richard Patrick Now

See what happens when you stop the alcohol that's preserving you?

Patrick wrote “Take My Picture” in the late ’90’s after an incident on an airplane where he got totally drunk and decided to take off his clothes mid-flight so he could get more comfortable. Stripping down to his boxers alarmed the passengers, apparently even more than the fact Filter is often referred to as a heavy metal band(!).  The incident ended with his “wrestling with flight attendants”; and i don’t think this is meant in the good way. “Take My Picture” was his response to the passengers’ reaction. While no picture is available of this striptease, here is the Bar None’s artists rendition of the whole affair.

First Classy Drunk

First Classy Drunk

Take a closer look at the lyrics i’ve included at the bottom of this post and you’ll see the entire mess spelled out there. “Hey dad, what do you think about your son now?”

A Smoke

Feel free to skip the rest of this post, unless you’re looking for something for your eyes to do while you listen to the rest of the song. This is just a blast from my Pabst and i’m certain to take the event too seriously still to make that much fun of it here. Plus, i’ve been dry since Sunday, a total of five days straight, and that doesn’t suit me well at all. Tell you what, i’ll make a joke right here, up front, and then you promise you’ll skip to the lyrics… Deal?

Here’s the joke:

Have you heard the latest pickup line making rounds at the Bar None?

“If you held a party in your mouth, could i come?”

Ok, now you scroll all the way down and i’ll be up here mumbling into my beer. One last touch of humor before you go, though: it’s crazy ironic that i’m telling this story sober and on a Friday night.

One time someone did Take My Picture and that someone was my ex-wife, before she became the Expresso.

i’ve already mentioned my office has a cocktail every party every Friday and during my 10 years of marriage i hit that pretty much religiously. One Friday night i came back Saturday morning, in the wee hours, and passed out slumped sitting up on the sofa. i don’t remember if that was the same time i put hamburgers on the stove to fry and blacked out long before they did, only to be awoken by my, understandably, hysterical wife. Regardless, i’m sure i had my traditional Saturday hangover, which is the price i have to pay for my Friday night Invincible, and certainly had to abandon the kids to their mother so i could suffer in silence.

Yes, there’s a lot i’m not proud of when i binge. A lot that i’ve done and have cracked memories of, like looking in a broken mirror, and sometimes those shards of my past come back to cut me. And i bleed and i bleed and i bleed.

No mention was made of this ‘misstep’ in my walk along the straight and narrow of functional alcoholism. The incident was relegated with all the other pink elephants in the living room to a corner we pretended didn’t exist.

Until she kicked me out one Valentine’s Day, on a Friday night. In the weeks following our separation, i was going through boxes of photographs, separating the cases of mine from the envelopes of hers, when i came across a picture. She’d taken it of me passed out on the sofa with my clothes crumpled, my hair a mess and my shoes still on. The idiotic posture of my head and my tongue hanging out like a drunken camel made it clear i was thoroughly soused. Shame burned through me so strongly i started to sweat as i sat on the floor, staring at the proof of who i was.

That’s my blast from the Pabst for today.

i’ve decided not to apologize about writing it ’cause y’all are free to read or not read. Besides, this post was written only for a chosen few: the D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited). i’m writing this with the hopes that those of you out there who are reading because you are drinkers will share some of your experiences here, with us, in the Bar None. Tell us about your victories and your defeats, what you want and what you’ve got and what you’re stuck with. There’s nothing you can say that will make us send you away. This is the BAR NONE.

Anyway, i know what Patrick’s talking about better than he does when he says “Take My Picture”. Still, i woulda written a cooler song about it. Something less faggy than his, for sure.

A Smoke

Anyway, here are the lyrics to “Take My Picture”

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

Chorus:
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Yeah

I don’t believe in
I don’t believe in
Your sanctity
Your privacy
I don’t believe in
I don’t believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

Chorus

Hey dad what do you think about your son now
Ah hey dad what do you think about your son now

Chorus (4 times)

A Smoke

Just a reminder to all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s: i’d love to hear from you, share what you feel comfortable with or don’t share anything at all. A simple “Hey, babe’ would suffice. Don’t be shy, you’re a freaking drinker after all! Have a shot then take one, for chrissakes!

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR PARNASSUS

Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Yet another Booze Revooze Sneak Peek. Yes, once again the powers that drink sent a film to Yeman before the States.

Ramblings: The Imaginarium Of Terry Gilliam

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shotsYou know how you go to that one bar that’s literally an underground club because it’s in a basement lost somewhere at the bottom of some building and you don’t go there a lot but when you do it’s because it’s the only tavern you know of where you can drink absinthe? You go there, you suckle the green fairy and you lay back and let the phantasms swoon inside you and some of them are dark and others are pleasant but you care more about the fact that you can let go of your mind and let your dreams do the thinking. Sure, sometimes the drink wears off and you feel the stupor laced ennui opium withdrawal but all you need to do is drink more and wait for the wormwood to worm its way back into your wood and set you free. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is kinda like that.

Absinthe Art

Absinthe

Terry Gilliam is the only man alive who knows how to film our dreams. And when i say “dreams”, i don’t mean all that “pie in the sky, hopes and aspirations” crap; no, i’m talking about the spectacle you see only after you close your eyes. Watching The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is like dreaming with your eyes open, most of the time. It would have been a better film had it stayed in story mode but  (here’s the opium withdrawal part) it strayed into story telling and every writer should know it’s not what you say but what you show.

Gilliam’s Imaginarium is a cocktale (fairytale + cocktail = cocktale; get your minds out of the gutter) about choices. Perhaps a little over simplified into the choice between good and evil, but then it is a cocktale and things tend to be simpler there. Heath Ledger symbolizes what is known in the Tarot as the Hanged Man, a card which represents someone at a crossroads or someone who refuses to choose. Then, reminiscent of Job (thanks Miss D!), there’s good and the Devil making bets on the choices they dole out to us poor humans. What i’m drunk driving at here, is that Gilliam has done more than present us with a pretty picture, but painted an elaborate fable that i’m afraid this simple drinker would need to see more than once to grasp completely.

Technically, especially the ‘mirror’ scenes, the movie is flawless. CGI allows Gilliam to go farther and faster than he ever went in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and The Imaginarium…, while suffering from Munchausen‘s syndrome, is a huge visual success.

The actors are amazing as well. Christopher Plummer is totally convincing as Parnassus. Heath Ledger does his normal wonderful job in his role, but it’s a more traditional part than The Joker so he has less to work with. Lily Cole is the revelation of the movie for me, however, and not just because she’s a hot, 21-year-old top model playing a 16-year-old virgin. She portrays the good doctor’s daughter, Valentina (aka “Scrumpy”), with the perfect balance of innocence, rebellion and filial love. And then there’s Tom Waits. Tom is just the coolest, hands down. All other contenders just give up your ghosts ’cause Waits owns the crown. i could freakin’ listen to him read the warning labels on booze bottles for four hours and still not get tired of his voice. God Bless You, Tom (and The Devil, too).

As long as i’m talking about the actors, i’d like to drink a toast to Johnny Depp, who really came up to the bar to help Gilliam after Heath Ledger died, as well as Jude Law and Colin Farrell who did the same. The three actors (according to the Trivia section at IMDB ) “gave all the income they received for this movie to Heath Ledger’s daughter Matilda so that her economic future would be secure.” Another, bigger drink to the three lads.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shotsWhile there is no nudity (and don’t make me go into another PG-13 rant again), Lily Cole is simply sublime. Ok, she’s no Miss Demeanor but there’s only one of her and she’s mine so forget about it. Speaking of Miss D, though, there are three links to my beloved in this movie:

  1. She’s hotter than Lily Cole
  2. She has the same birthday as Lily Cole (well, same day, but the years are a little off)
  3. She got her sleeve tattoo done by the same artist as Verne Troyer (who plays Percy here and was Mini Me in Austin Powers)

Ok, that’s enough, you’ve even been thinking about Miss Demeanor too long so stop it and let’s get back to how cute Lily Cole is. Like there’s this scene where she rolls her own cigarette with her own mouth and i swear to god, i’d drink scotch and razor blades through an anal I.V. for a month if i could smoke a cigarette rolled off that tongue.

There’s also a ‘topless’ scene where she sits on stage as Eve (and there’s that ‘choice’ theme popping up again), but Gilliam Titty Blocks her with her hair. [‘Titty Blocking’, for those of you new to Booze Revooze, is when an actress is naked but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques.] Here’s photo-not-graphic-enough proof:

Lily Cole: Imaginarium scene

A Perfect Example of Hair Titty Blocking

Yeah, i can so buy that she’s sixteen.

As for the rest of Lily:

Lily_cole3

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

God Bless the Web (and all who surf there).

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shotsActually, i was pleasantly surprised here.

A drunken lout in the opening scene falls through the mirror and into a lake of empties before being confronted with a choice. There’s a huge, daunting pyramid with 12 craggy ledges he needs to climb to reach the pinnacle, and a reference to ‘Twelve Steps’ is engraved in the stone. The other choice is Tom Waits telling him there’s free beer in his derby hat bar. Yeah, like you wouldn’t have made the same choice this guy does…

Parnassus drinks regularly from a fifth, looks like gin to me but it could be another white alcohol. He has to go on stage passed out drunk, he wakes up with hangovers and once he looks like he’s on his last legs when he’s pronounced dead—drunk.

Anton (Andrew Garfield), another player in the troupe, drinks out of a fifth as he sadly sits on the banks of the Thames. Heath Ledger’s character (Tony) comes over and joins him. Ahhh, i might even give up a cigarette made with Lily Cole spittle just to sit and have a drink with Heath. Ok, pro’lly not really, but i would give it a serious hard think.

You are missed, Heath.

Heath Ledger

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

‘0’ as in n0ne.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Terry Gilliam & Charles McKeown

Directed by: Terry Gilliam

Starring

Heath Ledger – Tony

Tom Waits – Mr. Nick

Lily Cole – Valentina

Christopher Plummer – Dr. Parnassus

Verne ‘Mini Me’ Troyer – Percy

Bottom Line

Make the choice: See it. Plus, you’re giving money to Matilda Ledger if you do.