Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of TETRO

Tetro - poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Drinker’s note: Miss Demeanor and i saw this in a sneak preview here in Yeman. Francis Ford Coppola even showed up. ‘Cause i know you think this is just bar talk, here’s the photographic proof:

Premiere01

The Theater We Went To

Pre-Screening

The Paparazzi & The Red Carpet

Pre-Screening

Coppola On Stage

Pre-Screening

Coppola Close, Personal and Blurry

Pre-screening

Alden Ehrenreich (Bennie) Was There

Ramblings: Tetris Would Be More Fun

Final Proof: 2 Shots

2 shots

You know how there’s always that one guy at the bar who sits at a back table brooding? It wouldn’t be so bad except he’s purposefully infesting the place with his mood, struggling to attract people with his ‘piss off’ attitude, whining so loudly how he wants to be by himself that everyone can’t help but hear him? Why in the hell does he choose to come a bar full of people if he’s seeking solitude? Because he’s looking for attention, not peace of mind. He acts like a spoiled ten-year-old boy, so much so he won’t even get drunk for fear his veneer may crack into a smile and he may actually wind up having fun. God, these people turn my wine. i just wanna walk up, take their pants down and spank their petulant little asses right there in front of everyone. “Bad Brooder! That’s a BAD Brooder! If you ever do this to me in public again, there’ll be no more Panic! At The Disco for a week, do you hear me! Do You Hear Me?” Well, Tetro is kinda like that guy.

i’m a Francis Ford Coppola fan and not just of the famous movies (The Godfather Parts I & II, Dracula, and one of my all time top ten desert island films: Apocalypse Now) but movies like The Conversation and Rumblefish as well. That in mind, i have to say i was disappointed but not surprised by Tetro.

Tetro is an “art film”, basically a pretentious remake of Rumblefish, with everything from the black & white film mixed with bits of color to the story of two ‘brothers’, one a tortured genius, the other a hero worshiping ingénue. The problem with Tetro is the drama. The movie is pro’lly better suited to a play, really, because what’s on screen is like an opera without a fat lady.

i’m not gonna place any blame but it’s Coppola’s and Gallo’s fault. Coppola’s script is so melodramatic at times it seems like a parody and the actors deserve an Oscar just for not snorting while serving up their lines. Gallo is the brooder i was talking about in the intro. The character is already pretty annoying and with Gallo’s lack of talent he becomes a caricature. i will give a nod to him, though, for directing and starring in Brown Bunny. This pretentious trainwreck of a movie (that i haven’t seen) became infamous because of the last scene: Chloë Sevigny giving Gallo a real bj on screen. Talk about your ‘happy ending’.

Just to break up the text a little, here’s a picture of Chloë Sevigny:

Chloë Sevigny

Fortunately, the other actors save Tetro from flopping completely. Apart from Alden Ehrenreich, who nails his role (“But not Chloë Sevigny!” Gallo yells from the bathrooms) as young Bennie, the best actors are the three lead actresses, Maribel Verdù from Spain, Leticia Brédice from Buenos Aires and Sofià Gala Castiglione (who i’m pretty sure is Argentinian as well but can’t find confirmation). Their presence and talent in this 127-minute movie was smoothing like a cold beer after a rotgut shot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

3 shotsCoppola doesn’t hold back here, which is a relief after the rash of PG13 teasers i’ve been covered with lately.

The actresses are all beautiful but the first Nudie (The Bar None Award for nudity in film) of the movie goes to Maribel Verdù. She plays Tetro’s live-in girlfriend, Miranda, and there’s a scene with them in bed together that shows her topless.

Here’s what she looks like with her top off:

Maribel Verdù

And on:

Maribel Verdú

Maribel Verdù

That, however, is just an appetizer…

Later, Leticia Brédice does a strip tease during a theatrical version of Fausta (don’t even ask) and finishes up with tape over her boobs. Here are some shots of Leticia:

Leticia Brédice

Looking More Colorful Here Than In The Movie

Meticia Brédice

Leticia Brédice

Cover Girl

Leticia Brédice

Not Bad For A 37-Year-Old, Eh?

Leticia Brédice

My Favorite, From The Bar None

After that things really pick up. i won’t give you the blow by blow but the climax comes when Maria Luisa, an “18-year-old”, takes off her schoolgirl’s uniform to have a “pajama party without pajamas”. On top of that, it’s with a virgin (Alden Ehrenreich) and her aunt (Letitia Brédice). Even if her hair was way too short and her breasts larger than i like them, Sofia Gala Castiglione (the actress, 21 in real life) wins the Nudie of the Movie, hands down (lower, lower—yeah, right there). Let’s start out with Sofia as a schoolgirl and see what comes up, shall we?

Sofia Gala Castiglione

This Is The Uniform At The Catholic School i Want To Go To

Sofia Gala Castiglione

Sofia Gala Castiglione

Sofia Gala Castiglione

Sofia Gala Castiglione

Sofia Gala Castiglione

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shotNot much going on here. Though, to continue with the comparison, the father here is a drinker just like Dennis Hopper was in Rumblefish. Not surprisingly, Hopper does a better job than Whathisname here but then, dollars to daiquiris, Hopper has barrels more experience. This guy is supposed to be drunk as he hits on his son’s high-school girlfriend but he acts drunk as bad as the rest of them. Swear to god, actors who need to play a drunk should be forced to party with me for a weekend before they’re allowed to practice their art on screen.

‘Part from that, Bennie is drunk at his father’s funeral. At least Ehrenreich acts drunk better than the other guy.

The most interesting drinking link to Tetro came up while Coppola was making his speech at the beginning. He said that the success of his winery gave him the financial freedom to make the kind of film he wanted to make. If only he hadn’t drunk to his success before writing this script…

Coppola wines

A Coupla Coppola

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The Argentinian music was nice but not rock.

There was a kind of rock & roll song playing during the Virgin/Schoolgirl/MILF Aunt 3-way bathtub scene but i can’ find it referenced anywhere online. The first one to find out what song it was gets a drink on the house.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Francis Ford Coppola

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola

Starring

Maribel Verdù – Miranda

Leticia Brédice – Josefina

Sofia Gala Castiglione – Maria Luisa

Alden Ehrenreich – Bennie

Vincent Gallo – Tetro

Bottom Line

Don’t see it but do pray to god that someone posts the nude scenes online and soon isn’t soon enough.