From the Juiced-box to get things rolling, in honor of the Australia post below (’cause the Sick Puppies are Aussie):
[Press ‘Play’ to kick off the jams]
Miss England lost her crown last Friday after getting a bar fight with Miss Manchester over a Gladiator. Rachel Christie (Miss England) punched out Sara Jones (Miss Manchester), got arrested and had to withdraw from the Miss World Competition. She plans to concentrate her hopes on Olympic gold, but in some ‘event’ called the ‘heptathlon’, not in boxing! We here at the Bar None would love to see Rachel Christie throw down with Mischa Barton. In bikinis. With Jello.
A man whose name sounds like a U.S. map, 51-year-old Erwin Vermont Washington, wanted to fly higher than ever. Things didn’t really take off, though, because he was taken off a plane, given a Breathalyzer and arrested before things got off the ground. The only problem was, he was the pilot. An employee tattled on him and the test, given out of view of passengers, proved his BAC was too high to fly. What was he charged with? Attempted FWI? It wasn’t his fault, if you ask me: 0.02% is the legal limit for flying while 0.08% is for driving a car. How fair is that?
A video is worth a thousand words. Nothing to add except i think her problem was all the red boxes flying around her while she was so stinking drunk.
Stephanie Pratt was the surreality actress who earned herself a mug shot a couple weeks ago. The real tragedy behind the arrest isn’t that she pleaded not guilty and will go to rehab instead of jail (this according to TMZ) but that she was arrested to begin with! She only blew 0.09, for chrissakes! 0.08 is the legal limit and she blew 0.01 over! Freaking 0.01%! That’s like the total percent of writer’s who don’t drink! Steph should move to Australia where this one couple got arrested for DWI three times—in three hours. (Shattering the previous record of twice in four hours, set by Talitha Gorea.) It goes like this: Just after midnight, a 37-year-old Australian guy driving with his 27-year-old girlfriend get pulled over. He was breath tested and was over the legal limit. Police didn’t arrest him but noticed his companion was drunk and told her not to drive. An hour later, police pulled her over—on the same street. Same offense. At 3:05, police stopped the couple again, on the same street, with the man behind the wheel again. He was tested again, found to be over the limit again, but refused to follow police back to HQ and was not arrested anyway! Screw it, i’m moving to Australia with Stephanie Pratt.
It was a disaster of epic proportions, perhaps even more tragic than the Vodka tsunami that prompted the Bar None’s first Stoli War (AKA ‘Vodkwā’). A tanker carrying 7,000 gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned faster than a whiskey shot in an Irish pub. Oh, the humanity! Roads were closed, Canadians were weeping in Clubs, drinkers were left high and dry the world over. Relief efforts included sending a crack team from the Bar None to lick up the mess, but by the time we arrived it was too late: T-totaling firemen had already hosed down the road. How can a loving god let things like this happen?
Jim Crowe’s younger brother, John Crowe was busted for stealing three bottles of champagne in a Chicago Whole Foods. He was gonna just be charged with misdemeanor (no relation to Miss Demeanor) retail theft but that was upgraded to a felony when cops sorted through his 50+ aliases and realized it was his 63rd arrest. Here’s the Mug Shot:
Before you go any further, a theme for the next next post:
[Press ‘Play’ to hear a cool, jazzy version of “I Kissed A Girl”, live and unplugged]
A Lohan Two-Fer
Lohan pulled the same crap as John Crowe (above) but didn’t get arrested. She was at this club called the Crown Bar, ordered a bottle of Champagne and when the bill came, she pointed at another table and told the waitress to put it on that guy’s tab (turns out it was Twilight’s Kellan Lutz). After she finished it, she took off without paying…just like a John Crowe. Maybe she could give him lessons on how to lift champagne. Or maybe he should hang out in better clubs than
Lindsay (’cause i’m tight with her like that and call her by her first name) had a lesson to learn the day after the champagne boost. She went to a party of people less screwed up than herself (yes, it was a big party) and hung out with Courtenay Semel (her first lesbian love, the one before Samantha Ronson). Here’s a little photo of the couple in the good ol’ days. Tongues start wagging and it turns out Courtenay not only has a stupid name (i think ‘Semel’ is French for what her privates do after 3 hours in tight leather) but she also just got out of rehab! Eeek! She nagged Lindsay so much that Poorhan ran out of the party in tears. What are friends for? Not for freaking that, i’m here to tell you.
More nice pieces:
Speaking of hot, young, talented, pretty girls with no brains… Joss Stone gave an interview to Star Magazine where the head-bonger blasphemes that weed is better than alcohol! According to her, marijuana makes you laugh and alcohol makes you kick the spit out of everyone. Not True! i’ve been in tons of fights on booze and have not kicked one ass yet.
Here’s the good news:
What’s more is, i heard she can sing from her diaphragm! i’d like to see a photo of that!
One for the road, in keeping with the lesbian theme:
Bar None Dregs
i just want to bend your ears for a second and share some of the love.
What do these numbers mean: 9-1-13-51-89?
They are the average numbers of page reads per day for each month since starting the Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker, last July.
Yesterday (Nov 14) was my world record day, 161 page views. Until today. There are still 3 hours left, but i’ve already broken my 200-reader cherry. My next trick is to break the cherry of 200 readers…
Point is, if you’re reading this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tons of people are reading these pages with you, so don’t be shy. Leave your mark! Leave a comment! If nothing else, just a word to say Hi, or Thanks or Where’s The John? We’re drinkers people! If you’re a little timid, remember, this is The BAR NONE. Just have a shot and then take one.
i humbly thank you from the bottle of my bottle. i appreciate your patronizing me and if you had fun, invite a friend.