Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE

Just One Life To Live

From the juiced-box and the song during the credits: Lucinda Williams – I Lost It

[Just press ‘Play’]

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: The Lives Of Pippa Lee’s Privates (Porn Title)

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with chicks and there’s this one babe who’s pretty enough and she starts talking about her life and makes you believe she’s had this wild existence because she believes it so much? So you buy her another Cosmopolitan (and that shoulda been your first sign) and she reveals all these deep, dark secrets and you feel a little tenderness at the beginning because it’s cute how she thinks these episodes from her life are so fascinating even if they’re more common than beer rings on paper coasters but after a while you start to tire of her going on and on about her ‘insane multiple lives’ when you’ve lived more most weekends. That’s kinda what The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is like.

You know me and how sensitive i am, right? i feel kind of bad about trashing this movie because the book and screenplay were written by the director, Rebecca Miller, which means it’s pro’lly autobiographical. Look, ‘Becca (can i call you ‘Becca?) i’m not knocking your life. i’m glad you’ve enjoyed so much success telling people about it but, babe, there’s only one ‘life’ here and there isn’t much living in that one.

Plus, i hate Keanu Reeves. Always have. He can’t act. He could fake it in Matrix because Neo is a character who has the personality of someone who doesn’t know how to act. But man, Keanu in a real movie? Makes you wish you had a case of whatever Kenneth Branagh was drinking when he tapped Kan’ya for Much Ado About Nothing. Anyway, K-boy drags this movie down in a big way and it wasn’t even that far up there to begin with.

i will raise a glass to Blake Lively, however, who has a richer role here than in Gossip Girl and doesn’t disappoint. Another drink to Alan Arkin who is like good whiskey: the older he gets, the better he is.

The other thing i liked was how much smoking there was in this movie. Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) and Young Pippa (Blake Lively) both smoke Marlboro Lights and there’s something about close-ups of a girl smoking that really flare my hot box. The only minor disappointment was that Blake Lively is obviously not a smoker and was just going through the motions. A real smoker can tell.

As for the rest of the movie: it’s slow, uneven and doesn’t end at the right time. That’s Life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

i gotta give it something considering the sheer quantity of female glory that strolls through this thing…

Ironically, the only nude scene isn’t the hottest part of the movie. It’s by Christin Sawyer Davis who plays Shelly, Julianne Moore’s lesbian lover. She undresses before getting into a sexy photo shoot (think Blake Lively in a pony tail and frilly diaper pretending to be a baby in a playpen or wearing a French maid’s outfit with a leash).

Julianne Moore isn’t in the film long but rocks as Kat, Pippa’s aunt’s lover. There is a nice girl/girl kiss between Kat (Moore) and Aunt Trish (Robin Weigert). The other nice part is that Kat never wears a bra and struts around the apartment in a tight knit thingy (ask a woman if you names for clothes). Kinda like this:

My other beautiful surprise in this film was seeing Winona Ryder again. Sure, she had a brief appearance in Star Trek (2009) but that was just a teaser to remind me of the days my cousin and i walked around singing: Na na nanana Na Na nanana Na Na nanana My Winona!

Screw it. You listen to the song and sing the above lyric.

[Press ‘Play’ and sing along]

Anyway, i was thrilled to see how truly beautiful she is, but even more, to see how excellent her performance was as Pippa’s friend, Sandra. She was truly the funniest and most fun thing about the movie. Here are some shots of our little girl growing up:

Coming back to Blake Lively… i won’t repeat how impressed i was by her performance as well, but i will say there was some Blake Lively Titty Blocking (when an actress is topless but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques). Still, you tend to forgive this when you remember her first scene was her looking incredible in denim cutoffs. The TB here was done while she was lying naked beside Alan Arkin (and if that didn’t give him a heart attack he’s good to go for another ten years) and she blocked her tit with her arm. While i’m on the subject of Blake, i loved the way her mouth curled around the ‘F’ word when she said, in close-up, “I’m a fµck up.” Maybe it’s just me, but women always look hot as hell when they say that word. That and “bitch”. The things a woman’s lips does when she says “bitch” are better than two Viagra and a shot of scotch. But enough about me, here’s Blake:

Leaving The Bar None

S’All Right, Babe, i Got Your Back

There’s another kinda sex scene with Keanu rubbing off Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) to a climax inside her jeans. She does a good job of faking it (hmmm, maybe that’s why she filed for divorce from Sean Penn last August…) and then cries afterwards. Hey, you’d cry too if you just had Kenau Reeves’ hands down your pants.

Speaking of Ke-no-no, another thing that bugs the crap out of me is how in movies they always have women walking around wearing pajamas with a bra on. Every guy knows women hate sleeping with a bra because it’s as uncomfortable as sleeping on the wet spot. But actresses are too sensitive about revealing a little jiggle action, so they always get right out of bed all bra’d up. Fake, annoying and a buzz kill. Robin Wright Penn had some of that going on here and i couldn’t let it slide without a little rant.

That said, up for a little Robin?

Is That An Outtie Or Are You Just Glad To See Me

Finally, there was a surprise appearance by Monica Bellucci as Herb Lee’s wife, Gigi Lee. Her role was short but she looked good filling it. Here’s what i mean:

 

At The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A quick ‘rum through’ of the notes i scribbled during the movie:

  • The movie starts with a red wine toast at dinner to an editor and his wife, Pippa Lee.
  • A bottle of red as a present at a party.
  • Vodka martinis at a party.
  • Young Pippa does cartwheels on the beach and hits from a wine bottle (red).
  • Champagne at the divorce meeting and a drink to ‘transformation’.

Picture From My Personal Stash

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There’s a song that young Pippa dances to in her room while on speed and i think it’s “Still To Be Painted” by Pitcher’s Pony but i can’t find the song or confirmation.

There’s a Dusty Springfield song (“I’ll Love You For A While”) but i can’t scrape that up either.

The song i posted above, Lucinda William’s “I Lost It”, rolls during the credits.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rebecca Miller

Directed by: Rebecca Miller

Starring

Robin Wright Penn – Pippa Lee

Blake Lively – Young Pippa

Winona Ryder – Sandra Dulles

Julianne Moore – Kit

Monica Bellucci – Gigi Lee

Christin Sawyer Davis – Shelly

Alan Arkin – Herb Lee

Bottom Line

Don’t see it, not even to score ‘Chick Flick’ points because chances are she won’t like it either.