Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of TWILIGHT 2: NEW MOON

New Moon is Anemic

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the OST: Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox

[Press ‘Play’]

Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the Bar None every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they’ll be automatically cool. What they don’t realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.

Have i told you i’m a vampire? Yeah, i don’t talk about it much but i’m among friends here. i’m not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i’m the kind of vampire that’ll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i’m more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn’t a vampire movie, it’s a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.

Even Miss Demeanor hated it, and she never hates movies.

i’m not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, crappy special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i’d like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.

Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind… If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.

Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i’m gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she’s jailbait so there won’t be any slips or see-throughs. She is a cutie, though, and does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Finished the first song yet? Here’s another from the juiced-box and the OST: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong

[Press ‘Play’]

Sex: 2 Shots

No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).

The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.

There were some brief shots of Kristen Stewart’s butt in jeans and one scene where they have her running in slo-mo. She has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she’ll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is…

Kristen Stewart Comments On My Review

Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella’s high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.

The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:

Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.

Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:

The fact that i don’t remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting pics:

Ready For The Bar None

Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of her:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 shots

The word ‘beer’ is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The soundtrack is pretty decent, though the two songs i’ve posted here are the best. The entire soundtrack fills out something like this…

  1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
  2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
  3. Thom Yorke – Hearing Damage
  4. Lykke Li – Possibility
  5. The Killers – A White Demon Love Song
  6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
  7. Muse – I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
  8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent – Rosyln
  9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
  10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
  11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
  12. Ok Go – Shooting The Moon
  13. Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) – Slow Life
  14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
  15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

The trippy thing is, i’m not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he’s an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i’m a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as ‘Rob’ when it’s for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can’t choose the music we like… Here, i think we have a couple tunes of his on the juiced-box…let me know what you think.

Rob Pattinson – Stray Dog

[Press ‘Play’ and let me know if it’s just me.]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer  (the novel)

Melissa Rosenberg (the screenplay)

Directed by: Chris Weitz

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Christian Serratos – Angela

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Rachelle Lefevre – Victoria

Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Noot Seear – Heidi

Robert Pattinson – Edward

Bottom Line

Don’t see it.