On tap this week: Prince Harry kisses another guy for a beer, Johnny Depp drunk, Shayne Lamas DWI, Alexandra Kerry DUI, Elizabeth Hurley’s vodka diet, multiple drunken suicide attempts, a really bad Santa, Elizabeth Hurley hot, Paris Hilton hot, Alexandra Kerry in a see-thru dress, Shayne Lamas in a bikini, spankings, floggings and oh so much more…
As this post is dedicated to Ken, one of the regulars who’s sent me most of the links i’m covering today, i’m putting a quarter in the juiced-box and playing a song he brought up yesterday in comments to my Twilight Saga: Hew Moon Booze Revooze post. Here’s The Runaways covering “Eight Days A Week”.
[Press ‘Play’ to Runaway]
At 12:40am, police pulled Alexandra Forbes Kerry (36) over for driving erratically. How do i know you shoulda voted for Kerry like i did in 2004? His daughter wasn’t smart enough to pass a field sobriety test but she was smart enough to refuse a breathalyzer. How many times do i gotta tell you guys? ALWAYS refuse a breathalyzer. Alex (can i call her ‘Alex’?) was taken downtown and given the regulation blood alcohol exam and tested 0.06%. The entire US considers 0.08% to be over the top so, while the law could still go after her for driving erratically because of the booze, the District Attorney has let it be known he’ll pass on this one. Maybe if Stephanie Pratt wore see through dresses at French film festivals she coulda got away with her slight infraction.
i love a parade. Especially one where Santa shows up. And really especially when he drives drunk in the parade. A 51-year-old Santa in Cambridge, Ontario was pulled over for drunk driving. As Santa. In a parade. And you thought Canadians didn’t party.
Gerald Gibson (51) is a cop in Ohio. C’mon, any state that sounds like a yawn is bound to be boring as hall. Trying to shake things up a little, Gerry was pulled over after crossing the middle line. He refused a field breathalyzer as well (see, if a cop knows to refuse the test in the field, so should you) and was taken to the pokey. So what? So he was an off duty State Trooper who was honored as Trooper of the Year in 2002 and was honored by Mothers Against Drunk Drivers in 1997 for his madd skills of arresting the most drunk drivers in Lima (Ohio, not the bean) that year. Here at the Bar None, Drunks Against Mad Mothers (DAMM) are working on a new award for him.
You know how i know Nigeria is a backwards country? It’s not because a soccer player (Stephen Worgu) who was busted for drunk driving has to pay $105. It’s not even because he was also sentenced to 40 lashes. i know Nigeria is a backwards ass country because the other charge Worgu faces is consuming alcohol! Alcohol is against the law in northern Sudan! That’s how i know. First you go to a bar and then you go behind them.
Nigeria, however, is not the big winner of Most Backwards Ass Country of the Week award that everyone has been coveting their pants off. The big winner this week is Uganda. Edwin Komakech said people who die from drinking local moonshine (waragi) distilled with methanol should have their corpses caned six times to serve as an example to the living. i’ve heard about flogging a dead horse, but a dead ass?
You thought my bar bills were high… A bottle of Lowenbrau pulled from the wreckage of the 1937 Hindenburg airship disaster (think cover of Led Zeppelin‘s first album) sold for £11,000 (that’s $18,124 in real money) in an auction probably somewhere in England. Now that i’ve wet your whistle with Zeppelin, i’ll give you a taste. Here’s “Hey Hey, What Can I Do” from the juiced-box:
[Press ‘Play’ and let the rock do the rest]
In other non-news, Prince Harry kissed a guy in a bar for a free beer. An Englishman kissing another Englishman for beer? Yeah, in other breaking news, the Pope is Catholic and George Bush Was Clueless During His Presidency. Seems that Harry was hanging out with his mates in a pub in Stevenage, England. Some chap called Rocky Bennett told the hair to the throne that he’d buy him a pint if he could kiss him. Harry laughed and let Rocky kiss him on the cheek. Hence the British term: cheeky bastard. i’m betting Rocky ran straight home to wank.
Saving the best for last… This 22-year-old Russian guy doesn’t take to well to vodka—or marriage. After drinking three fifths of Moscow Holy Water, Alexei Roskov stood up, walked over to his fifth floor window, opened it and jumped out. Then survived. So he walked back to his apartment, where his wife had called an ambulance and started yelling at him for his action. She was nagging so much that he went and did it again. And survived again, with nothing more than a couple scratches. He says he’s gone totally T, but i’m guessing the wife will push him to drink again in no time.
Elizabeth Hurley is hotter at 44 than many girls at half that age, and she owes it all to vodka. Turns out i’ve been practicing the Elizabeth Hurley diet as well, and i’ll be damned if my man boobs aren’t almost as big as hers. Seems she only has one meal a day and switched out coffee and wine for vodka. Maybe she’s really Elizabeth Hurl-ey. I haven’t Hurl-ied in a long time, though, which would explain my excess baggage.
Anyway, you be the judge:
i’m a huge Johnny Depp fan for reasons too long to go into here. Let’s just say i admire him for being a talented actor who refused to play the ‘good looks’ card and insisted on appearing in movies he could believe in. That and he was super drunk after being elected the sexiest man alive. Again. The video’s here at TMZ. If you watch it, check out how he signs his autograph towards the end. Looks easy enough to forge….
Trendsetter Paris Hilton is at it again. After Rachel Christie (ex-Miss England) and Mischa Barton, Ms Hilton has decided to get in the ring. Paris chose to duke it out with Doug Reinhardt who i’m guessing is her current boyfriend but i can’t be bothered to care enough to verify this. Apparently police responded to a “Drunk People Arguing” call and the cops came to find the couple in a shoving match. No arrests were made: No blood, no crime.
Apparently no one told Shayne Lamas that drunk driving is out and celebrity boxing is in. This Stephanie Pratt wannabe decided to promote her new reality show by getting busted last week. Ho-hum, how passé. i’ll help her out, though, if it means looking up Lorenzo Lamas’s daughter in a bikini:
Another stellar week in the Bar None. i’d like to personally thank each and every one of you who took the time to patronize me this week and i will if you leave a comment.
Rather than blather on about the figures, i’d like to show you…
Total hits last week? 810. This week? 6,545.
The high point you see is from last Friday: 945 views.
Thank you Ms Beckinsale, and your ta-tas.