20 Things To Say When Refusing A Drink (A Top 20 Lips)

As the FASe (Functional Alcoholic Slurperson) of the D-Generation, i’m here to offer tips & changes on everything about alcohol, including not drinking.

Maintaining the buzz of 10 Things To Say While Getting Another Drink (which was boosted thanks to a generous review on a site called Smak News) and following my fiancée’s recommendation, i’m posting today a list of 20 things to say to refuse a drink—during tomorrow night’s celebrations or any time you’ve hit your limit and don’t want your limit hitting back.

So for the T-Totallers and the totally wasted, i offer this list of responses to “Do you want a drink?” It’s a day early so you have time to memorize them before New Year’s Eve.

Enjoy yourselves and, as always, thanks once again for patronizing me.

From the juiced-box: Tori Amos – Our New Year

“Do You Want A Drink?”

1. “I’m allergic. It makes me break out in stupid.”

2. “Ok, but the judge said you need to write up a waiver for me to sign first.”

3. “Shoot, just when i was starting to enjoy myself.”

4. “Sorry, I’m saving myself for Remy Martin.”

Remy Martin Cognac Black Pearl Louis XIII = $10,000 / bottle

5. “Why, do I look like I need one?”

6. “No thanks, I’ve had enough this lifetime.”

7. “Ok, but I get to puke in your car when I drive it home.”

8. “Nope, I’ve already used up my idiot quota for the day.”

9. “You just want to post the pictures, doncha.”

10. “Yeah, you look like the kind of person I could be sick on.”

11. “Only if you babysit me while I slobber on your shoulder for the next 8-10 hours.”

12. “Nope, you’re not that cute and I’m not that stupid.”

13. “Sure, I’ll have a virgin Rum & Coke.”

14. “Your eyes say ‘Yes’ but the voices in my head are screaming ‘NO! NO!’.”

15. “No thanks, I’m the designated smart person.”

16. “I’ll give you a buck if you ask my sponsor that.”

17. “Only if you hold my hair while i call God on the big white phone.”

18. “Thanks anyway, I’ve been down that road and got way lost.”

19. “Hmm…It has been awhile since I last killed.”

20. “No thanks, it messes with the meth.”

Blog-Rolled: A New Link

Part of my responsibilities as Functional Alcoholics’ Slurperson (FASe) is to offer you Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reuniteds of the D-Generation guidance.

In loo [sick] of a post today, i’ve redone and updated my Link Section, now known as Blog-Rolled. In addition to the link to my YouTube page, i’ve added another:

Click on the image to visit the site

TFLN (Texts From Last Night) is a collection of texts people sent the night before. The reason i’ve deemed it acceptable for this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker is that the vast majority involve drinking. Check it our for a good laugh, but also to feel better about yourself: You haven’t had it half  as bad as half these people.

(571): So I went home with some chick last night… I’m not sue what’s worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

(609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there…
(1-609): and?
(609): RIP clitoris

(314): So I went on a date with this girl…and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn’t tell me about to afford my bday present.

But it’s not all bad. Check this one out:

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star…

Click and enjoy…

Dregs Of The Week: Dec 20 – 27 (or sumpin’)

The Dregs---Where i Let Slip More Than Denise Richards' Sex On The Beach

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Tara Biller: Anita & Kyle & Dominique & Julie – Take Care Of Our Children (Don’t Drive Drunk) (circa 1986—yes, it’s important to specify, you’ll hear why)

Dec 7: Mom Ditches Kid, Literally

Tara Biller (30) is a drunk mother. She was drunk chauffeuring her 10-year-old daughter around, weebling and wobbling so much a pizza delivery guy called the sheriff’s department. Just in time too, ’cause the mother drove the car into a ditch. The panicked kid banged on the window so Tara let the girl out—and drove away, abandoning her offspring on the roadside. The pizza delivery guy looked after the daughter while the police found the mom and busted her for DUI, driving with a suspended license and child endangerment. On the bright side, now the kid knows what to give her mom on Mother’s Day: a fifth of vodka.

Dec 22: I’ve Got An18-inch Lizard In My Trousers For You. Can I Have Some Booze?

Something wild other than turkey comes from Kentucky, and i’m guessing it lives in a trailer.

David Martt (44) and his son Harley D Martt (18) (no mention is made of their daughter Mini) went to the Eagle’s Landing Pet Hospital and petshop-lifted an 18″ bearded dragon lizard worth $350. They took it to JB’s Gun & Pawn to get some cash for it but no dice. So the pair took their bearded dragon to Freight Station and First Street liquors and tried to trade the reptile for booze. Apparently not everyone in Kentucky is as thick as the thieves ’cause the duo got shot down. Police arrested them as they were entering an apartment complex. “Big”, that’d be the lizard, is recovering in the Pet Hospital from a bad case of hypothermia. The dad is still in the cooler.

Not Legal Tender

Dec 22: Only Because She’s Drunk And Nineteen

Some 19-year-old chick ripped Santa’s beard off his face outside Conseco Fieldhouse in Indiana. It wouldn’t be big news except the fake Santa said “it hurt when the firmly attached beard was ripped away”. It still wouldn’t be news except he told cops the girl was very drunk, and when police caught up with her inside the arena, they found a fifth of vodka under her shirt. Hey, what a drunk 19-year-old girl wants, God wants.

Celebrity Dregs

Dec 24: Priest Gets Ass Kicked At Kardashian’s Christmas Party

i’ve been looking long and hard and the only employ i can come up with for this Khloe Kardashian babe is Professional Cleavage. Anyway, she had a Christmas party at her place and some guy got drunk, fell over and cut his chin. Pastor Brad, who married Khloe and Lamar, tried to help the dude up, but the dude punched Pastor Brad in the face; pro’lly for having such a stupid ass name.

Here’s what i was talking ’bout before, about Professional Cleavage:


See-Through. Unfortunately.

Worth mentioning, she was busted for DUI in March 2007 and served 3 hours in jail.

Busted

Dec 22: Photo Op

Not much going on here. Just i’m a huge Sean Penn fan and there’s a shot of him having a tequila shot with Dan Akroyd.

Dec 25: Brooke Mueller’s Day Off

i love this one. Denise Richards’ Christmas present came right on time. Her ex-husband, Charlie Sheen, was arrested on Christmas morning for abusing his wife, Brooke Mueller. Brooke has since said it was the booze talking when she called 911. Police had tested her when they arrived and her BAC was 0.13—at 8:34am Christmas morning. i wanna party like the Sheens do.

Here are the best shots of Brooke i could find, and two of them only work if you like pregnant women (pregnant with twins even):

It was easier to find pictures of Denise:

Here’s your tender bartender serving up the money shot. It’s a nip slip while Richards lesbian kisses Neve Cmpbell in Wild Things.

For Regulars Only…

…because the rest of you won’t care.

Big news in the Bar None!

From the juiced-box and for the occasion: Maxwell – Suitelady (The Proposal Jam)

Yes, it’s official and it wasn’t even the booze talking.

On Christmas morning, i placed a black pearl ring in Miss Demeanor’s stocking and, when she opened it i asked her to be my wife. After the initial shock wore off, she accepted. No specific date has been set of yet, though we’re hoping to tie that knot sometime in 2010.

Presents and congratulations (but especially presents) can be dropped off here at the Bar None.

A Christmas Blog

This post is dedicated to the 526 patronizers who have stumbled in here so far today, and to those of you who are already on your way. Thank you so much for taking time, especially on this day, to stop in and say ‘Hey’.

Christmas Tree In The Bar None

Let’s start off with some Christmas Spirits music: John Denver – Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

This post is just to let you know i’m here for those of you straggling into The Bar None this Christmas Day.

i’m here for You.

As your tender bartender, i even brought the Proof. Like Santa, i have Christmas Presents for everyone! Unlike Santa, i don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice.

On to the gifts…

First for the drinkers. Here’s a wallpaper for you:

Instructions:

  1. Click on the image
  2. When the image has finished loading, right click on it
  3. Move cursor to “Save image as…”
  4. Click and remember where you’ve saved the image
  5. Go to folder with the image and double click to open it
  6. Go to the opened image and right click again
  7. Move cursor to “Set as desktop background”

For the single handed porn surfers, i have a different wallpaper for you:

Instructions same as above.

If that isn’t your idea of Christmas sexy, what about this? Like i said, no patronizer left behind…

Finally, for those of you who insist on remembering the religious root of the season, i have this for you:

Pissed on Earth, Good Swill For Men!