Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE ROAD

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Check out a morsel of the soundtrack by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis on the juiced-box: The House

Later on, Charlize Theron gives me a tongue lashing…

Yes, Charlize Theron Has A Long Tongue

Ramblings: Hit The Road

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with a really morose mother mucker? He’s always bummed and the true problem is drinking makes it worse. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t yell, doesn’t brood, he just sits there and stares into space remembering all the horrible things that have happened to him in his life and the only reason he’s in the bar in the first place is to take up space until death comes for him. You can try to get him to crack a smile or stream your best glib to get him to open up but he’s beyond the point where anything in this world matters and can’t be bothered to care anymore. Not even the pitcher of mojitos sitting in front of him or the blonde in his lap trying to to get him to take shots from her cleavage break his mood. He certainly has the best reasons ever to be sad, but that doesn’t mean you’re forced to party with him. The Road is like that.

Let me preface this review by saying i saw The Road last Friday. If you need to be reminded what that means, just look at the post i wrote later that evening.

The movie is dark. Real dark. Depressingly dark. Viggo Mortensen and John Hillcoat (the director) deserve a freakin’ Oscar for how depressing this movie is.

Hillcoat did a great job directing this movie. i didn’t have time to read the Cormac McCarthy novel it was based on because i was busy being an alcoholic but i’m sure Hillcoat was pretty dead on concerning the adaptation to the movie. Still, do i really need to put myself through two hours of gorgeous misery?

A ‘high’ five-pack to Miss Demeanor who caught that this movie is even more depressing than you think it is while you’re watching the credits. It’s got this delayed depression factor when you figure out what’s really going on with the ending.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Here’s what i drunkenly scrawled in my notes:

  • Charlize Theron
  • Peeing herself, if you’re into that
  • Not peeing, water broke like peeing
  • Viggo at the opera putting his hand between CT’s legs

After that, there are references to raping mothers and their daughters and the little boy but you and i all know that has nothing to do with sex.

Let’s get back to some good clean, dirty fun, shall we?

Thank god Charlize was in this movie so i have something to get my mind out of the movie and into the gutter where it belongs.

As for the Silken Butterfly of the movie (the fleeting beauty whose appearance was as remarkable as it was brief), we have Brenna Roth as Road Gang Member:

Btw, here’s what Charlize thinks about my honoring her with a record number of photos in this review:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Again, from my notes…

  • Don’t waste wine—alcohol. Very valuable.
  • Drinks Jack Black when he’s civilized.

Slurred Speeches:

[Man (Viggo Mortensen) is drinking alcohol and his son (Boy–Kodi Smit-McPhee) approaches]

Boy: Can I try some?

Man: No

Boy: Why not?

Man: It makes you feel funny.

Hey, what do you expect? i gave it 0 Shots, didn’t i?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Nick Cave and Warren Ellis do the music to the movie. It’s cool as hell, but is not rock and roll.

Here’s another shot from the juiced-box:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Cormac McCarthy (novel)

Joe Penhall (adaptation)

Directed by: John Hillcoat

Starring

Charlize Theron – Woman

Viggo Mortensen – Man

Brenna Roth – Road Gang Member

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. If you’re really in the mood for post-apocalyptic disaster trash, go for Zombieland instead.