Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE ROAD

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Check out a morsel of the soundtrack by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis on the juiced-box: The House

Later on, Charlize Theron gives me a tongue lashing…

Yes, Charlize Theron Has A Long Tongue

Ramblings: Hit The Road

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with a really morose mother mucker? He’s always bummed and the true problem is drinking makes it worse. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t yell, doesn’t brood, he just sits there and stares into space remembering all the horrible things that have happened to him in his life and the only reason he’s in the bar in the first place is to take up space until death comes for him. You can try to get him to crack a smile or stream your best glib to get him to open up but he’s beyond the point where anything in this world matters and can’t be bothered to care anymore. Not even the pitcher of mojitos sitting in front of him or the blonde in his lap trying to to get him to take shots from her cleavage break his mood. He certainly has the best reasons ever to be sad, but that doesn’t mean you’re forced to party with him. The Road is like that.

Let me preface this review by saying i saw The Road last Friday. If you need to be reminded what that means, just look at the post i wrote later that evening.

The movie is dark. Real dark. Depressingly dark. Viggo Mortensen and John Hillcoat (the director) deserve a freakin’ Oscar for how depressing this movie is.

Hillcoat did a great job directing this movie. i didn’t have time to read the Cormac McCarthy novel it was based on because i was busy being an alcoholic but i’m sure Hillcoat was pretty dead on concerning the adaptation to the movie. Still, do i really need to put myself through two hours of gorgeous misery?

A ‘high’ five-pack to Miss Demeanor who caught that this movie is even more depressing than you think it is while you’re watching the credits. It’s got this delayed depression factor when you figure out what’s really going on with the ending.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Here’s what i drunkenly scrawled in my notes:

  • Charlize Theron
  • Peeing herself, if you’re into that
  • Not peeing, water broke like peeing
  • Viggo at the opera putting his hand between CT’s legs

After that, there are references to raping mothers and their daughters and the little boy but you and i all know that has nothing to do with sex.

Let’s get back to some good clean, dirty fun, shall we?

Thank god Charlize was in this movie so i have something to get my mind out of the movie and into the gutter where it belongs.

As for the Silken Butterfly of the movie (the fleeting beauty whose appearance was as remarkable as it was brief), we have Brenna Roth as Road Gang Member:

Btw, here’s what Charlize thinks about my honoring her with a record number of photos in this review:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Again, from my notes…

  • Don’t waste wine—alcohol. Very valuable.
  • Drinks Jack Black when he’s civilized.

Slurred Speeches:

[Man (Viggo Mortensen) is drinking alcohol and his son (Boy–Kodi Smit-McPhee) approaches]

Boy: Can I try some?

Man: No

Boy: Why not?

Man: It makes you feel funny.

Hey, what do you expect? i gave it 0 Shots, didn’t i?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Nick Cave and Warren Ellis do the music to the movie. It’s cool as hell, but is not rock and roll.

Here’s another shot from the juiced-box:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Cormac McCarthy (novel)

Joe Penhall (adaptation)

Directed by: John Hillcoat

Starring

Charlize Theron – Woman

Viggo Mortensen – Man

Brenna Roth – Road Gang Member

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. If you’re really in the mood for post-apocalyptic disaster trash, go for Zombieland instead.

5 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE ROAD

  1. Your drunken notes crack me up, lol. Al, notetaking, is very humorous.

    Okay, as far as the Al K Hall Factors I can see how this movie does not add up, and yeah, this movie is depressing as fuck, but I thought it still was very GOOD. I mean, it sure as hell was more realistic than 2012, and I appreciated the realism. I thought it is the best movie yet of likely things that would *really* happen in a post-apocalyptic world.

    If a person wants to think and speculate about these things, and what it would be like to survive and to see this depicted on the screen, one *should* see this movie. It is a sobering movie. Maybe that is an alcoholic’s nightmare: things that sober. This movie does that. Sobers one up.

    I mean, there are reasons why people drink, huh, and avoiding reality is one of them. This movie is like one huge dose of reality of what the world will really be like if it all goes in the shitter, not like John Cusack miraculously beating killer earthquakes and volcanoes like an improbable End Times James Bond.

    So, I can see that it is not a very good alcoholic film. It’s more like a Rehab film.

    I love your opening paragraph. Yes. That is exactly what the movie is like — that guy. And that kind of guy shows the end to which things *can* go, huh. Not happy stuff at all, but a likely reality if things were to really go that far in the crapper on our earth. And they could. Probable? Meh. Dunno about that. Possible? Sure as shit. And it is scary.

    I think Viggo and the kiddo playing his son did a really terrific job of acting for this film. It was very, very realistic, and I believed every minute of their performances. My disbelief was suspended, for sure.

    So as counterpoint to Al’s ‘DON’T see it!” Miss D says, “See it!” as long as you are prepared that this movie is NOT a happy one, just a good one. I really enjoyed the way it scared the shit out of me, much more than Descent, Part 2 or Zombieland, or Paranormal Activity, or Saw VI (well, that was just retarded and gory, not really scary). It is a true-to-life gory kind of picture and I was really freaked out in some places.

  2. Oh and yeah, Charlize is hot. Not so much in the movie, but in general, lol. I think she is such a beautiful woman. Really sexy!! Cool photo finds of her. 🙂

  3. Noooowwwww, where are the near-nekkid photos of Viggo and Guy Pearce, eh?!? We do get to see Viggo’s ass a couple of times in the movie, if I remember right. he looks good naked, methinks. So Miss D says for all the hetero female and gay men readers out there (heeyyyyy, it *could* happen!), you can see some good shots of Viggo in this one.

    In fact, here are some good shots right now:

    It is harder to find hot photos of men than women, I have learned, hahahaha. I could not find a really good shot of him with even his shirt open, although there is one of him sitting in a chair, nude or mostly nude as a still from the flick “Eastern Promises.”

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