The Truth About Tiger Woody: Alcohol Is Tiger Woods’ Driving Force

Tiger Woods Responds To My Accusations

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s wife, who clawed his face before beating up his car.

[Press ‘Play’ to catch the fever]

i’m not interested in the circumstances that unfolded during or after Tigers’ tigress went on a safari armed with an iron and bagged the bronco he was riding.

In The Rough

i’m only mildly interested in the birdies Woods stroked with his wood.

What really interests me is the Driving Force behind Tiger Would: Booze.

Thanks to hundreds of seconds delving through in-depth research (on TMZ and D-Listed), i’ve learned a couple things:

1) Tiger Woods likes clubs—and not just the kind you golf with. He frequents a place called The Blue Martini: a drink i wouldn’t touch at prices i can’t afford. A waitress who was asked if Tiger had been drinking in the club the night of the accident would only say, “Alcohol was not factor.” This is bar bitch speak for, “He drank titty shots until he was unable to drive anything except his balls.”

The Blue Martini

2) He also spent a lot of time in a place called 23 (yet one more bar bummed i beat them to The Bar None). He spent so much time there they named a freakin’ room after him. Not surprising when he pro’lly paid for the place with his regular $1500 tabs.

Club 23: Named After Their Collective IQs

3) After his wife scratched his face and broke the windows of his car with a wedge, she told police he’d been drinking and popping pills that day.

4) Of the nine Holes Tiger played:

  1. Rachel Uchitel lists her occupation as “Party Hostess” and “Nightclub Manager”
  2. Jaimee Grubbs is a cocktail waitress
  3. Jamie Jungers is a Las Vegas cocktail waitress
  4. Kalika Moquin is a Vegas nightclub promoter
  5. The 5th is a cocktail waitress
  6. Holly Sampson is a porn actress (you’ll have to draw your own conclusions between pornography and booze but you won’t need a lot of dots to do it)
  7. Cori Rist is a Hooters waitress

8 & 9 Holes are a British Presenter and Perkins waitress, so Woods bogied them. Still, with 7 out of 9 directly related to drinking, Woods definitely ends up sub-par, no matter how many free shots he scored.

The one thing that all his mistresses have in common, however, is that they were all way uglier than his wife.

Here’s the proof:

Cori Rist, the Hooters waitress

i Hope This Gift Horse's Hooters Were As Big As Her Gums

Jaimee Grubbs, cocktail waitress

Kalika Moquin, Las Vegas nightclub promoter

Jamie Jungers, cocktail waitress

What's That In Her Right Hand? Ha! Told Ya!

Holly Sampson, Porn Actress

Rachel Uchitel, professional heiress, party hostess, club manager

i Don't Know About You But The Competition Is Getting Stiff

Elin Nordegren Woods, estranged wife

You be the judge…

10 thoughts on “The Truth About Tiger Woody: Alcohol Is Tiger Woods’ Driving Force

  1. It was quite humorous watching one of these ladies on a talk show 1) offended that she was not the only “other woman”, like Tiger was cheating on HER and 2) vehemently denying that she profited in any way from their relationship (“I’m not, never have been nor ever will be an “escort”” honey, everyone has a price).

  2. I’ve been meaning to comment, Al, just to sound off since I’m turning up regularly at role call here at the Bar None, so I’m doing it now. Personally, I can’t decide which is worse, what he did, or the fact that all of the world can’t stop rubbernecking his personal life. And I am totally hating it that I’m one of the crowd here — WTH does any of this have to do with golf? Poor guy. And his poor wife. And yes, I agree — alcohol and a dysfunctional pattern are a bad combination, and without the alcohol, likely this train wreck would be a whole lot smaller, if it existed at all.

  3. Oh, and in spite of being practically convinced that the whole password business in the next post is just your attempt to flush lurkers out into the open, I’ll ask. If there is a password, c’I have it, pleeeeeeease?

  4. While the whole sordid story is going to quickly become (has already become?) tiring news, I loved your puntastic take on it all, my dear.

    I guess my biggest hope is that the wee kiddos of Tiger and Elin will not suffer too badly from their parents’ errors. Of course, we all err, but it is how it is handled that matters, and I hope the kids won’t have to suffer too much.

    • True, that. You don’t hear much about the kids. Hopefully they won’t be too scarred as they’re so young. May they never find this post, even when they’re much older!

      Al K Hall

  5. It was a long time coming as he thought he was bigger than the sport and far from being a model for young golfers with spitting and throwing clubs which you never saw from Tom Watson
    Regards Brian Reid

    • Ray!

      Welcome to the Bar None, brother! Come on inside, sit down, put your feet up on the table and what can i get you to drink?

      As for Elin and the lucky SOBs…where does the line start?

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother,

      Al K Hall

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