From the juiced-box and dedicated to Cherelle May Dudfield: Drive By Truckers – Dead Drunk and Naked
[Press ‘Play’ for some Southern Rock Comfort]
The dregs at the bottom of the barrel and here on tap this week include a drunk and flashing 18-year-old New Zealander, a hot $3,500 dollar bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue, Santa on the wagon, sex for beer, hot drunk ambulance DUI thief, an arrest for beer assault, the only $72 Christmas taco that isn’t a euphemism and a high school field trip to Hooters. How’s that for ruckin’ the muck…
‘High’ crime in Broward, Florida concerning returns and deposits.
On November 6, Charles Lennon, Richard Goldstein and a probable female accomplice shoplifted a bottle of 200th Anniversary Johnnie Walker Blue Label scotch, valued at $3,500. First, the thief went into a liquor store and shoplifted a $70 bottle of Grey Goose vodka by sticking it in his pants. He left the store, deposited the bottle in his car and returned to the store to stick a bottle of Pinot Noir in his pants. He left the store with it and deposited that bottle in his car. Then he returned to the store and while the babe distracted the cashier, he undid the back of the display case enough to reach in and snag the bottle. Which he then put in his pants and walked out of the store with.
On Dec 2, the two men deposited themselves at the police station (no mention is made of the chick). You ask me, the ‘store employee’ shoulda had to pay for being so thick as to let the guy shoplift 3 freakin’ times. The Robin the hoods should get of scotch free.
Tell you what, those Canadians are some mean somes-a-britches. Not content to deny being the 51st state, now they’re after Santa Claus. They stuck up these signs all over the place in their token city, Toronto, telling kids to leave a NEAR BEER out for Santa! Depriving the hardest working man in the North Pole of some Christmas cheer on his busiest day of the year is some sick schlitz.
This kid is lonely and sober. Chandler Eakes stood outside a BI-LO grocery store in lonely Hartsville, South Carolina with a sign that read: Will Trade Sex For Beer. Hell, i like that kind of ambition. If i’d have been there, i mighta rewarded him with 40 ounces of my own, personal brand of stick-to-it-iveness. And then some beer. Anyway, the only takers he got that night were cops, who got him take-away.
So this guy tells his girlfriend he’s moving to Ohio. Later on, she goes out and gets her drink on and comes back a little pissed off and decides that the best way to wake him up is to pour beer on his head. The boyfriend does what we’d all do, calls the cops. Melva Wixon (49) is arrested for abuse with alcohol, AKA domestic battery. Babe shouldn’t be going around wasting beer’s all.
Mindy Jones (28 and cute in a mousy way) got busted in for DUI in Shawnee, Oklahoma after clipping another car and driving off. She was taken to the hospital for a BAC test. She faked passing out so the cop left her alone to ‘take care of some business’ which is cop-talk for “find a donut and flirt with the night nurse”. Mindy bolted and drove off in a get-away ambulance. Apparently, she was headed for an ex-boyfriend’s (and i’m starting to see why they broke up) but only got 50 miles out before she gave up and parked in someone’s front yard. i kinda like her. She told the news cameras (the video can be found at the link i sent you to): I had the ambulance and I had a pretty good time driving it.
Mary Segall has a lot to teach us. The ‘High’ School Choir Director took her group to Phoenix for a concert and then to Hooters for lunch. She ‘says’ it was because it was the only restaurant in the area that could accept a group of her size. Yeah, right, and i tell people i only go there for the wings. Here’s what i’m talking about:
Some guy in his 20s was drunk because there’s nothing else to do in Ohio (any state with a name that sounds like a yawn is gonna be boring as hell). He went into a Taco Bell because that’s the best place in the world for a drunk guy. He bought a taco because that’s you do in a Taco Bell. Then he gave the cashier $72, told him to keep the change and wished everyone a Merry Christmas, because drunks are just like that.
The manager called the cops, because managers can’t manage. The cops took the money for safekeeping, because they’re cops, but promised to give it back to the manager, because they’re honest, if no one comes to claim the change. But no one will, because drunks forget what they do, are too ashamed to face their antics and, hell, that’s just the way we are.
The best for last. This 18-year-old New Zealand girl, Cherelle May Dudfield (and no, i can’t find her on Facebook), got drunk and, parked in the middle of a traffic island, passed flashing motorists. One guy—who wasn’t me, i swear, i wasn’t even in New Zealand that day—was so impressed that he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into hers. Thankfully, she only got a few cuts and bruises and a fine, which means she can start flashing again in no time.
i could find no pictures of Cherelle, but i did find some pictures of other Kiwis, if you’re interested.
First some girls flashing: