My First Sober Christmas: An all-new extra special Christmas episode:

Before i get to the meat, here’s the gravy: South Park’s Mr Garrison – Merry Fµcking Christmas

If you’re gonna skip the post, read the Non Sequitur at the end, ok? It’s a good one.

The only thing i hate more than Christmas are Christmas episodes of shows that end up with the reruns in the middle of a July heatwave. God but i hate those things. i’d rather chug canned laughter than canned yuletide warmth. And i hate canned laughter more than anything.

Back to my problem. Christmas. i think the last time i was sober for Christmas was about 4 or 5 years ago. i’d quit drinking for six months and powered through. Before that, the last time i didn’t find my Christmas cheer in a bottle was when MTV played something called music videos all day and nothing else. Yes, that long ago.

See, i get stressed at Christmas. Wanna know why? Too bad. It’s because i’m afraid. i’m afraid of messing up. i’m afraid of not buying the right present or not buying enough presents or spending too much money or not enough. i’m afraid of not liking people’s gifts or not being capable of showing people how how much i like their gift. i’m afraid of not living up to the Christmas spirit, of disappointing my kids and my girlfriend.

Add to that, when i’m afraid of something, i bail. It’s not a question of fight or flight with me, more of which flight am i gonna take. i end up blowing stuff off for as long as possible and hoping it’ll go away. But it doesn’t. It keeps getting closer, one day at a time, like a serial killer snail. So what do i do? Get off my scardey cat ass and actually do crap to get into the holiday spirit? Take the kids to see the shop windows, go to Christmas market and look for tree ornaments? Learn how to play Johnny Mathis Christmas songs on the guitar?

Nope. i drink. i take that vacation in a bottle. One way. The next best thing to caring too much is not caring at all, right? Then i slide right through Christmas and wake up some time in February.

Except this year, for my kids, for Miss Demeanor but mostly for me, i made the kamikaze decision to try it without the booze. Why? Damned if i know. i think maybe i’m hoping i’ll survive the fear and the stress and the pressure and maybe do a couple things right.

Cross your fingers for me.

RUDOLPH AS A FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC

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