From the juiced-box and dedicated to Tara Biller: Anita & Kyle & Dominique & Julie – Take Care Of Our Children (Don’t Drive Drunk) (circa 1986—yes, it’s important to specify, you’ll hear why)
Tara Biller (30) is a drunk mother. She was drunk chauffeuring her 10-year-old daughter around, weebling and wobbling so much a pizza delivery guy called the sheriff’s department. Just in time too, ’cause the mother drove the car into a ditch. The panicked kid banged on the window so Tara let the girl out—and drove away, abandoning her offspring on the roadside. The pizza delivery guy looked after the daughter while the police found the mom and busted her for DUI, driving with a suspended license and child endangerment. On the bright side, now the kid knows what to give her mom on Mother’s Day: a fifth of vodka.
Something wild other than turkey comes from Kentucky, and i’m guessing it lives in a trailer.
David Martt (44) and his son Harley D Martt (18) (no mention is made of their daughter Mini) went to the Eagle’s Landing Pet Hospital and petshop-lifted an 18″ bearded dragon lizard worth $350. They took it to JB’s Gun & Pawn to get some cash for it but no dice. So the pair took their bearded dragon to Freight Station and First Street liquors and tried to trade the reptile for booze. Apparently not everyone in Kentucky is as thick as the thieves ’cause the duo got shot down. Police arrested them as they were entering an apartment complex. “Big”, that’d be the lizard, is recovering in the Pet Hospital from a bad case of hypothermia. The dad is still in the cooler.
Some 19-year-old chick ripped Santa’s beard off his face outside Conseco Fieldhouse in Indiana. It wouldn’t be big news except the fake Santa said “it hurt when the firmly attached beard was ripped away”. It still wouldn’t be news except he told cops the girl was very drunk, and when police caught up with her inside the arena, they found a fifth of vodka under her shirt. Hey, what a drunk 19-year-old girl wants, God wants.
i’ve been looking long and hard and the only employ i can come up with for this Khloe Kardashian babe is Professional Cleavage. Anyway, she had a Christmas party at her place and some guy got drunk, fell over and cut his chin. Pastor Brad, who married Khloe and Lamar, tried to help the dude up, but the dude punched Pastor Brad in the face; pro’lly for having such a stupid ass name.
Here’s what i was talking ’bout before, about Professional Cleavage:
Worth mentioning, she was busted for DUI in March 2007 and served 3 hours in jail.
Not much going on here. Just i’m a huge Sean Penn fan and there’s a shot of him having a tequila shot with Dan Akroyd.
i love this one. Denise Richards’ Christmas present came right on time. Her ex-husband, Charlie Sheen, was arrested on Christmas morning for abusing his wife, Brooke Mueller. Brooke has since said it was the booze talking when she called 911. Police had tested her when they arrived and her BAC was 0.13—at 8:34am Christmas morning. i wanna party like the Sheens do.
Here are the best shots of Brooke i could find, and two of them only work if you like pregnant women (pregnant with twins even):
It was easier to find pictures of Denise:
Here’s your tender bartender serving up the money shot. It’s a nip slip while Richards lesbian kisses Neve Cmpbell in Wild Things.