Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of UP IN THE AIR

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings – This Land Is Your Land

[Press ‘Play’ to get your Dap on]

Ramblings: Up In The Air Is Down To Earth

Final Proof: 3 1/2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in airport bars? It’s not as old-school as train stations and less depressing than bus stations because the people you meet are more varied. For example you got your business people and it’s hard not to look on them with a little envy as they skirt lines with VIP cards and sit down before you in seats better than yours to get comped drinks. They’re the ones paying sky high prices in the bar because they’re saving the receipts that’re all gonna be reimbursed by their companies. But they pay for it in other ways like the families they leave behind to suck jet fumes, and smiles as cold and conditioned as the air they recycle when they’re flying. Airport bars are designed to make you feel at home even when you know you’re not and they’re polished and professional but often full to the rim with humanity: talkative help cleaning the floors who address you like they know you, happy couples high on the idea of traveling together and those looking on with only one dry eye because they were once sitting in Business and now they’re on Economy and even if they realize they’re better off in some ways, they still need that next drink they can’t afford but are ordering anyway. Airport bars are cool because of the contrast between the shallow depth of the decor and your closest strangers making it real. Up In The Air is kinda like that.

George Clooney and Vera Farmiga In The Airport Bar None

You want a metaphor? Up In The Air is the story of a man who’s happy as hell drinking imported beer and thinks champagne is for wussies. Then he gets a taste of what he thinks is champagne and loves it. Until he finds out it wasn’t champagne at all and so he wants to get a bottle for real but no one’s there to give it to him and in the end he has to go back to beer.

i’m a big Jason Reitman fan. i thought Thank You For Smoking was cool as hell and even if i thought Juno was a tad overrated, i was with him all the way on that one. UITA didn’t disappoint. It’s funny and tender in all the right ways because it steers around the storm clouds of romantic-comedy and the turbulence of forced happy endings.

Another cool thing about UITA was how Reitman dealt with the subject of unemployment. In Ryan’s (played masterfully by George Clooney) own words: “I work for [a] company that lends me out to pussies like Steve’s boss who don’t have the balls to sack their own employees.” So yeah, Reitman coulda just chosen to use that as kinda a backdrop for the story but he chose to move it into the forefront by hiring real unemployed people who’d been laid off to recreate the moment they were fired. Very cool and very meaningful and a great idea because those 25 people add a lot of depth to the movie.

The normal actors do a decent job. George Clooney (Ryan Bingham) gives his character a lot of character and Vera Farmiga is believable as jet setter, Alex Goran. Anna Kendrick is getting a lot of attention for her role as young exec Natalie Keener and the girl is golden. It’s nice to see her in a role that’s more of a stretch than Kristen Stewart’s high school friend in Twilight, and man can Anna stretch.

Basically, if you’re tempted to see this, you pro’lly should. Up In The Air is a trip.

Before we get to the talent, here’s another song from the juiced-box and soundtrack. i like it because, if you listen to the words, it makes sense for us drinkers: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

There’s only one partially nude scene, and that’s of Vera Farmiga’s body double who’s got a nice butt and shows a little side boob. i knew right away it was a body double, ask Miss Demeanor, because they never showed Vera’s face during the naked part. That’s a tell tail sign right there. The UITA Trivia Section on IMDB has Vera saying she doesn’t mind being naked in a movie but that she’d recently given birth and “the breast milk running down would have been inappropriate”. Hell, i don’t know about that but i guess it woulda been distracting.

So anyway, here’s some shots of Vera Farmiga (36) i didn’t already exposé in my Orphan review.

Got Milk?

Vera Farmiga In The Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24) was super cute in her role of Natalie Keener, especially in the party scene when she lets her hair down, literally, and rocks out. i also already exposéd her in my Twilight: New Moon review so here are some different shots of her.

It’s getting harder and harder to exposé Melanie Lynskey (32, who plays Ryan’s sister Julie Bingham) after doin’ her twice already, once for The Informant and another time for Away We Go. Still, i dug deep and found these:

There were also a slew of those fleeting beauties who flit across the screen in the blink of a wink. Here are those Silken Butterflies i hope to see lots more of…

First up, Adrienne Lamping who plays Tammy, one of Julie Bingham’s Bridesmaids. Click on the photo to visit her Agency.

There’s also Meagan Flynn (29) who plays a flight attendant (and wouldn’t we all like to, at least once). My exclusive Bar None interview with her is here.

And it would be a mortal sin not to mention Erin McGrane, who is adorable as Ryan’s neighbor / ex-love interest. If UITA lacks credibility, part of it is that in real life George Clooney would do everything in his power to win back this young lady’s heart. Yes, there was also some Booze Talkin’ with her as well.

There’s also Lanette Fugit (39), another flight attendant, though tragically uncredited. Clicking on the photos will take you to her web site.

Finally, and certainly not leastly, i give you a postage stamp photo of Kelly Bertha, one of the recently unemployed who plays herself in the movie. Not only is she gorgeous, but she’s another famous person who knows me and let me interview her.

To wrap this bad boy up, here are some shots of George Clooney (48) for those who prefer fuselage to hangar.

George Clooney At The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

i should probably go a little higher here as there were enough drink references, but i’ve limited it to 2½ because booze didn’t play a key role in the film.

When Ryan (George Clooney) and Alex (Vera Farmiga) meet in the hotel bar, he’s drinking a gin & tonic and she’s got a martini.

Natalie (Anna Kendrick) gets drunk with Ryan and Alex after her boyfriend dumps her by text message. They drink martinis, scotch & sodas, and then there’s more drinking at the Tech party they crash. Hats off to Anna Kendrick who plays drunk with a believable amount of understatement.

The next morning, Natalie apologized for getting carried away, which i liked because i’ve had to do the same kinda post-binge groveling more than once.

There’s also beer from mugs at the rehearsal dinner for Ryan’s sister Julie’s wedding.

When Ryan’s sad, he drinks minibar bottles of Southern Comfort that he keeps in his own fridge in his apartment.

Finally, when Ryan hits the 10 million mile mark, the flight attendant (i’m pretty sure it’s Meagan Flynn from above) gives him a glass of champagne.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

The soundtrack is pretty folky but not so bad even if it isn’t rock.

What’s also not rock is the cameo by Young MC at the tech party, singing his hit “Bust A Move”.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Walter Kim – Book

Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner – Screenplay

Directed by: Jason Reitman

Starring

Vera Farmiga – Alex Goran

Anna Kendrick – Natalie Keener

Melanie Lynskey – Julie Bingham

Adrienne Lamping – Tammy

Meagan Flynn – Flight Attendant

Erin McGrane – Dianne

Lanette Fugit – Flight Attendant

Kelly Bertha – Terminated Employee

George Clooney – Ryan Bingham

Bottom Line

See it, Up In The Air won’t let you down.

The Bar None Bonus Round

Here’s the last song in the movie, recorded on a cassette by Kevin Renick, an unemployed guy who gave Reitman the tape after a talk in a university in St Louis. (You can read Reitman’s interview about the exchange here.)

Even better, you can read my cool interview of him right here.

Kevin Renick – Up In The Air

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of A SERIOUS MAN

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Jimi Hendrix – Machine Gun

Ramblings: Seriously, Man

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you drink with losers? Not jerks or assholes or anything, but those guys who are crap magnets because if there’s bad luck anywhere in the area, it’s gonna happen to them. They’re the guys who waitresses drop their trays on, whose toes fat people always step on, whose shirts are always untucked, who get the beer that’s all foam, who set their pack of smokes in the drink puddle and who always end up paying the tab even if they make the least amount of money. Sure, there’s something comical about these kind of people and you even feel some empathy for them because sometimes you feel like you’re that kind of jinxed, but are they funny? Not so much. And they’re not all that fun to drink with because even if they don’t complain, you can’t help but see how miserable they are. A Serious Man is kind of like that.

A Serious Man is a serious movie. Sure, it’s the Coen brothers but was No Country For Old Men a laugh riot? In fact, A Serious Man is an intellectual European movie, down to the ending. The movie’s pro’lly hilarious if you know about Schrödinger’s Cat, but i’m just a normal guy who wants to go to the movies. Not to leave you in the dark, this Schrödinger dude got in a battle of wits with Einstein and said that a cat in a box is either dead or alive, not dead and alive until you open the box to find out what the deal is with the cat. We’re supposed to know all this and recognize that Larry Gopnik (played perfectly by Michael Stuhlbarg) is both alive and dead in his life. Or something like that. It makes my head hurt, if you want to know the truth.

Ok, there are a couple of cute scenes that’ll make you laugh out loud (the bar mitzvah scene is fairly hilarious, for example and the note at the end of the credits was awesome: “No Jews were harmed in the making of this motion picture”) plus the actors do an impeccable job, but if this movie was made by Ethan Allen and Joel Blow instead of Ethan and Joel Coen, nobody would be talking about it.

People are gonna tell you that you have to like this movie because it’s arty and by the Coen brothers. That if you don’t like it you’re not hip or smart enough. They’ll say you gotta love this movie because it’s about Jewish people and hating it is anti-semitic. Don’t let ’em. Dare to recognize this is a movie made to wow the critics but not for commoners like you and me.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Take a look at the cast on IMDB. There are a gajillion guys and not enough girls. ‘Nuff said.

We do get to see Larry spying on his neighbor tanning topless, but unfortunately it’s from a distance. Too bad because Amy Landecker is super hot at 40.

The Woman With Absinthe Eyes

Amy Landecker In The Bar None

There was a Silken Butterfly in disguise, because the fleeting beauty in A Serious Man was disguised as a homely chick. Thank gos Miss Demeanor spotted the Butterfly hiding inside the caterpillar. Here, then, is Jessica McManus (18).

Jessica In The Movie

Jessica In Real Life

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Larry’s wife’s lover brings over a bottle of Bordeaux to smooth things over.

Let me check my notes… Yep, that’s it.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

The movie is set in 1967 and apparently the Coen’s were big fans of Jefferson Starship back then. We got three songs by them, “3/5 Of A Mile In 10 Seconds”, “Comin’ Back To Me” and “Somebody To Love”. There’s even a Rabbi towards the end who quotes the Airplane. “When the truth is found to be lies / And all the joy within you dies…”

Here’s the song on the juiced-box:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Ethan and Joel Coen

Directed by: Ethan and Joel Coen

Starring

Amy Landecker – Mrs. Samsky

Jessica McManus – Sarah Gopnik

Michael Stuhlbarg – Larry Gopnik

Bottom Line

European critics LOVE this movie, need i say more?

Oh, i almost forgot. Here’s the hippie “Comin’ Back To Me” if you’re into late sixties psychedelia:

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of AGORA

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: History Is Nothing New

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What’s worse, there isn’t even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! Just a lot of dates with tons of numbers and these names no one can pronounce, pro’lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as “Dude” or “Babe” ’cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can’t take them out for a beer because even if you go “Hey You!” there’s no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she’s pro’lly super tired and she’s got one of those screwed up names, too.  Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn’t seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. ‘Gayvus’ (really it’s Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we’re not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

History isn’t bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn’t revelatory, the actors do what’s expected of them but aren’t able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we’ve got here is history textbook film making that doesn’t get off the page or out of the ground.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

i’m being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she’s cute and it’d be cool to have her as my babysitter. Plus, maybe Miss Demeanor could talk her into a three way after the kids fall asleep.

Before i throw up the shots of her, here’s the blow-by-blow:

  • Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)—let’s call her ‘Hippie’—gives Orestes (‘Testes’) a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
  • A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
  • Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
  • Rachel Weisz’s eyebrows rock
  • Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie
  • Side boob of Rachel / Hippie when her clothes are torn off her at the end—don’t blink, you’ll miss it

In addition to the side boob glimpse i mentioned above, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There’s another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.

Here’s what i uncovered on the net:

Rachel Weisz In The Bar None

Click On The Image For Wallpaper Size

There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn’t have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia—because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we’ll call her Sit-on-ya):

The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).

Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.

Max Minghella (24) plays Davus (‘Gayvus’).

Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes (‘Testes’):

Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius (‘Sinus’):

Sami Samir plays Cyril (it’s ok, i can handle ‘Cyril’) who’s like a little baby Jesus all growed up:

Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i’ll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y’all…
A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.

Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

It wasn’t rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring

Rachel Weisz – Hypatia

Amber Rose Revah – Sidonia

Max Minghella – Davus

Oscar Isaac – Orestes

Rupert Evans – Synesius

Sami Samir – Cyril

Bottom Line

Historically interesting if you’re interested in history. For normal people: if they’re gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.

Guinness Will Save Your Life

Here's A Poster Foreshadowing Wismond

Here i am trying to barrel through my post-partyin’ depression with a scoop.

A ragga shot from the juiced-box should help: Delly Ranks & Chino – Redbull and Guinness

[Press ‘Play’ to Ragga out]

Many news sources reported yesterday that Wismond Exantus, a 24-year-old Haitian cashier in a hotel convenience store, survived 11 days buried under the rubble of the Hotel Napoli. His secret to survival? Within arm’s reach of where he lay was a stash of cola, junk food and…Guinness. i know your average news outlets are only peddling ‘beer’, but i have it on good authority (a television news broadcast here in Yemen) that the beer of choice was Guinness.

Here then, is my tribute to this nectar of the Irish Gods.

Click On Image For Wallpaper Size

A Drunk Post For Two People (Yes, This Means NOT YOU)

For the 1500 people who will read this blog: i’m drunk and this drunk post is dedicated to two people. InTheSameBoat and DayAfterTheHangover..

There is no partial nudity in this post.  No pictures of semi-naked stars. If you’re here for that, please look somewhere else.

It’s Friday night and i drank a bottle of red at lunch, 5 Heinekens after work and a bottle of red when i got home. i’m drunk and, out of the 1500 page reads i receive a day, i want to address two of the people who matter (not including Miss Demeanor and Ken, who are examples of the reason i write to begin with).

1: InTheSameBoat

i love ITSB because he’s on the wagon and he still hangs out here. He’s kinda my hero because he’s stopped drinking and, not only is he happy, but he can still hang out with drinkers. AND BE COOL. He doesn’t judge and he doesn’t hide who he is either. What makes him a God is that he can give his advice without preaching.

2: DayAfterTheHangover

Is the opposite. She’s still drinking and she feels the same guilt i do after a binge. Sh’s too timid to post responses here but she leaves me private messages about her thoughts and feelings. She’s real and so clear and this blog needs people as sincere as her.

3: Why i’m Writing This

Drunk as i am, i’m writing this blog to salute these two  readers because they’re why i write this blog. Everyone is welcome in The Bar None, but the good seats are saved for people who feel what i have to say. Yes, it’s partially my fault. The majority of my page reads come from single-handed surfers looking for chicks, kicks and nip slips. i posted those pictures and i included those tabs. i had a choice and i chose to go that way. It’s not your fault.

But despite my nature, there are people who push me to be better than i am. i want this blog to be a place where drinkers and non-drinkers alike come together to share their thoughts.

i’ve found two of them. Please God help me find the rest.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE BOOK OF ELI

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

[Press ‘Play’ for as close as you’ll get to rock in this movie]

Ramblings: The Last Book (Hopefully) Of E-Lame

Final Proof: 1 Shot You know how you drink with a Christian Fundamentalist preacher? He’s all smiles and wearing this nice suit and he looks all shiny and polished and professional but he opens his mouth and no matter how hard he tries it’s only after about three or words that he starts preaching away at you and you start beer barfing in your mouth and, sure, you could swallow it but you decide to spit it all over the Christian Funda-mental because he’s an asshole and here you are just trying to enjoy yourself and have a good time and he’s on his soapbox passing wind in your digs so he deserves the hate you spew all over him. The Book Of Eli is so like that.

Post-apocalyptic movies come in two categories. You got your hyper-realistic The Road and you got your hyper-fun Zombieland. What you got with The Book Of Eli is your hyper-poor The Road imitation remade by religious right Christian Conservatives.

Plus, i won’t go into them all here because i don’t wanna be a spoiler, but every other scene has at least one WTF moment. Seriously, there are at least ten times you’ll gag because there’s no oxygen how far they had to go to fetch this crap.

Yeah, this movie chaffs my ass more than leaky beer farts. The good guys are 100% good. The bad guys are 100% bad. Everything is black and white, and not just the color scheme and Denzel Washington / Gary Oldman. Oh yeah, and there’s the 100% required ‘twist’ ending, and i’m not just talking about your intestines. The ‘twist’ isn’t all bad, though, ’cause it’ll give you and your date 2 hours of conversation while you go over the whole film talking about how nothing in the entire movie makes the twist remotely believable.

It’s not total crap. The blue-gray & white filter worked well and the action scenes were passable. Ok, also Tom Waits shows up. i don’t know how they tricked him into participating in this hour and a half religious commercial—i’m guessing he was brainwashed by Christian Science Jehovah’s Mormons beside a dumpster in an alley behind a Denny’s at 3am somewhere near Albuquerque where they shot this movie and damn, i wish they woulda shot this movie, shot it dead three times in the head to put it out of my misery.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

There’s a rape and a half in The Book Of Eli. i hate rape scenes in movies. They’re just a shortcut—at the expense of women—to setting up characters as bad guys. Rape scenes show a lack of imagination and, as everyone knows, i’m all about imagination. And women. Hot women. And sex. Any kind of sex. Rape has nothing to do with sex or hot women so it has no place in films. No nudity in The Book Of Eli, either. We do get some Mila Kunis (26), which is pro’lly the next best thing…

Notice how she’s wearing sunglasses here? Miss Demeanor pointed out that in The Book Of Eli everyone sports brand new cool shades. Apparently, after the end of the world everything will be decimated except for Sunglass Huts in shopping malls. Here’s a collage for y’all.

Speaking of cool, Jennifer Beals shows up here, looking almost as hot at 46 as she did in Flashdance.

As for the Silken Butterly (that fleeting image of beauty flitting across the scene in the break of a heart), The Book Of Eli offers us up stunt woman Heidi Pascoe, aka “Middle-Aged Woman”.

Just in case some babes have stumbled into this post, i’ve got some dark chocolate (55) for you to nibble on…

…and a 51-year-old white ‘russian’ [ok, he’s British but it’s kinda the same thing, right?] for you to nurse.

 

In The Bar None

 

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots Unless you count ‘water’, and i don’t unless it accompanies Scotch.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots Are you  freaking kidding me? The Bee Gees for chrissakes.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Gary Whitta Directed by: The Hughes Brothers (Albert & Allen) Starring Mila Kunis – Solara Jennifer Beals – Claudia Heidi Pascoe – Middle-Aged Woman Denzel Washington – Eli Gary Oldman – Carnegie

Bottom Line

Pretend this movie is like life after the apocalypse: Shoot yourself in the head to spare yourself the misery of experiencing it.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of MR. NOBODY

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wallace Collection – Daydream

[Press ‘play’ to trip out.]

Ramblings: Mr Sumpin’

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a freak, someone truly unique? He talks about crap you don’t know if it’s over your head or is complete BS but for the most part you don’t care as long as he looks cool and his bull doesn’t get in the way of your sh*t. There’s also this pressure to like the guy because he’s kinda intellectual and if you don’t wanna hang with him it means you’re probably a little slow. Sometimes you wonder if the weirdo is just acting that way to be different or if he actually believes the babble he’s spewing but time flows as smoothly as the booze and you don’t check your watch so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Mr. Nobody is that kind of unique.

Mr. Nobody is a movie about choices and about how alternate lives get led no matter what the choice made is. Like i could be in a bar and chose to drink a pint of Heineken, a bottle of red, or a coke. In “La La Land” all of those choices are made and all the separate me’s go on to live their separate lives, ad nauseum (especially if i drink the bottle of wine and chose to keep drinking).

There’s a lot of what Miss Demeanor and i label “Woo-Woo Sh*t” going on in Mr. Nobody but most of the time the flick looked so damn good that the philosophy didn’t get in the way of a good time. i’m not going to lie to you, Mr. Nobody is super philosophical and touches on quantum physics, the butterfly effect and string theory. It’s all presented clearly enough but there’s a lingering aftertaste of, “So what, none of this changes how i gotta pee after three beers.”

What i’m saying is, don’t see this movie buzzed, it’s hard enough to follow even when your dead sober. Because the movie doesn’t go in a straight line but in beautifully drawn circles and curlicues. There is no clear picture, even if the overall design is pretty. Still, considering all the risks Jaco van Dormael took with the directing, he could’ve gone out on a few more limbs with the story.

So yeah, it’s worth seeing if you don’t take it too seriously. Or, it’s worth seeing if you take it very seriously. If you’re just looking for something shiny and pretty to pass the time, choose to pass this one by.

Before we get in any deeper, i carded Clare Stone, who does a magnificent job as Elise at 15, and i couldn’t find her birthdate anywhere. ‘Cause of that i’ll post her photos here—she’s not allowed to go any further.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

To get into this next section, you gotta listen to this song from the juiced-box (and the movie, of course).

[Press ‘Play’ for inspiration.]

Sex: 1/2 Shot There’s this crazy trend to have all these super hot girls in movies and to keep them as clothed as a sober Eskimo eating ice cream at Christmas. Seriously, you know what nipple action we get here? Jared Leto nipple action. Twice. Just sayin’.

Diane Kruger (33), almost unrecognizable as a brunette, plays Anna gorgeously. The gorgeous part was easy, the acting part is pure talent, yo.

Mmmmm, Thigh Goosebumps

Sarah Polley (31) does a solid job of playing a whack job that resembles quite a few of my exes.

Coming in as the third wife, we’ve got Linh Dan Pham (36), Vietnamese but raised in France. We almost get a down blouse shot of her in the pool, but ‘almost’ is like masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Playing Anna at 15, we got British actress Juno Temple who, at 20, is 5 years off the mark.

Juno Entering The Bar None

Juno Entering The Bar None

In a totally understated role (i’m not sure what i mean by this but i read it on a real blog somewhere and thought it sounded intelligent), there’s Natasha Little (40) as Nemo’s Mom:

Here are some of those Silken Butterflies that flit across the screen as briefly as they are beautiful:

Sarah Gravel was ‘Sad Woman’:

Here’s Christelle Cornil (32—she was rockin’ as Coma nurse 1, which means she kicked Coma nurse 2’s ass) in The Bar None:

After that we have a little one for the ladies. A lot of web sites have been ripping poor little Jared Leto (38) a new one but i think he did a solid job here playing nine different roles. Sure, the makeup helped but he held his own and so y’all gotta stop hating on him just because he has more hair than you.

IN AN EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: i offer here irrefutable evidence that Jared Leto is, in fact, Jim Carrey and Jake Gyllenhaal’s gay love child. Watch…

+ =

Here are some Jared shots…

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Not even a reference to drinking. Dry as a bone, babes. Wait, one of the songs is The Andrew Sisters doin’ “Rum & Coca Cola”. Yeah, like that counts for somethin’. Me doin’ all The Andrew Sisters while they’re messed up on Rum & Cokes…now that would count for something.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Speaking of music…

Because Mr. Nobody is all about choices, you get to choose what to listen to as you polish off this blog.

Either Nena – 99 Luftballons 

Or The Pixies – Where Is My Mind

Both are in the movie so either one counts.

While the music in Mr. Nobody isn’t really rock, the songs they used were super eclectic and all kinds of styles. I’ma tell you something: The best thing about the movie is pro’lly the music ’cause the director, Jaco van Dormael, did an excellent job of matching the music to the feeling of the scene. Like Otis Redding’s “For Your Precious Love” when young Nemo falls in love for the first time. Dead on.

Still, they pulled the same crap here that they did in Zombieland. ‘Member how the music in the film was cool but when you looked up the soundtrack you got a load of instrumental crap so i had to post a special blog with the real music from the movie? Well, in Mr. Nobody the director hired one of his relatives to write the music and you can’t believe how impossible it is to find a simple list of the real songs they borrowed for this freaking thing. Thank god for Miss Demeanor who told me to do searches in foreign languages. i found the following on some obscure blog and had to add a couple songs myself that were missing so i can’t swear this is a complete list. Seriously though, you better read this whole list and freakin’ memorize the damn thing ’cause you can’t imagine how many hours i spent lookin’ for it and what a pain in the ass it was to type it all up. Swear to god.

  • Otis Redding – For Your Precious Love
  • Cecilia Bartoli – Casta Diva
  • Daniel Varsano – Troisieme Gymnopedie
  • The Chordettes – Mister Sandman
  • Emmylou Harris – Mister Sandman
  • Gob – Mister Sandman
  • Michel Simone – Pavane Op. 50
  • The Academy Of St. Matrtin In The Field Chorus – Pavane OP. 50
  • Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
  • Johann Sebastian Bach – Prelude
  • Pixies – Where Is My Mind?
  • Wallace Connection – Daydream
  • Nena – 99 Luftballoons
  • Ella Fitzgerald – Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
  • Mstislav Rostropovich – Canto Primo (Sostenuto E Largamente)
  • Henryk Gorecki – Three Pieces In Old Style
  • Pascal Rogé – Gnossienne 3
  • Eugenie de Mey – What Power Art Thou
  • The Andrew Sisters – Rum And Coca Cola
  • Benjamin Britten – Sentimental Saraband Poco Lento E Peasnte

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jaco van Dormael

Directed by: Jaco van Dormael

Starring

Diane Kruger – Anna

Sarah Polley – Elise

Linh Dan Pham – Jean

Juno Temple – Anna age 15

Clare Stone – Elise age 15

Natasha Little – Nemo’s mom

Sarah Gravel – Sad woman

Christelle Cornil – Coma nurse 1

Jared Leto – Nemo Nobody

Bottom Line

If you think $58 million for an experimental movie makes perfect sense, then you have the perfect mindset for Mr. Nobody.