From the juiced-box and dedicated to Jennifer De Roberto: Donovan – The Pee Song
[Press ‘Play’ for Suite relief]
A British think tank thought about the drunk tank and recommended that drunks admitted to the hospital to sleep off their bender should pay for their stay—not the National Health Service. Can you imagine? Paying for the hospital? $862: At this rate it’s almost like a hotel only without the sexy nurses and free drugs. My takes on this… Take 1 is that the government paying for hangover recovery sounds like a good health plan to me. Take 2 is that British drunks should have a buddy break their arm to get a free hospital stay.
This funeral home in Rome, Georgia had your BAC. If you’da died on New Year’s Eve. All you had to do was sign a contract with them that you planned to get drunk or do drugs and drive on New Year’s Eve and if you’d died, they would’ve pain for the embalming services, the casket, the vault, a grave, limousine services, facilities and staff for a chapel or church service and a bronze marker, as well as 100 engraved thank you cards. The funeral home (McGuire, Jennings, & Miller) say they did it as an awareness tool. No one took them up their offer.
The Emergency Minister in Russia told people not to drink in saunas, ’cause they could die.
That’s all, but it’s enough for a photo spread of Russian chicks.
And a couple in The Bar None:
Marguerite Engle is a loser in more ways than one. The South Dakota woman was found passed out stone cold drunk in a stolen truck. A Rapid City Police Department chemist tested Engle’s BAC at 0.708% (click here to get your head out your BAC). Not bad, but Marguerite falls short of the US record, 0.72% set by Oregon’s Terri Comer and the world record of 0.914% set by some miscellaneous Bulgarian. This mugshot was taken earlier this year when she was busted for being drunk and opening a can of whoop ass on a government employee.
The incredible tattooed man called 911 in Florida. What was the emergency? He needed a ride to Hennessy’s Bar. No, really needed a ride. He told the operator that he had bleeding ears, a broken nose, and that people were shooting around him. The cops showed up and he confessed to just wanting a lift. When he was arrested for placing a false call, he kicked one of the deputies in the knee as he was being put in the cruiser. In addition to the facial tats, the police report mentions the word “cannibalism” spelled out on his fingers; a dancing skeleton, a naked woman and a pumpkin head on his chest and stomach; a dragonfly, elephant and Batman symbol with breasts on his right arm; a snowman, naked pixies, a squirrel on a cross and a two-headed child on his left arm; and the word “doomed” on his back.
Like i could make this up. Two Cali dudes figured it out by themselves in a park one afternoon:
“We had just a whole bucket of beers, Coronas. I remember a couple dogs and no openers and we said, ‘I think that’s a good idea. We should try that! You call your dog over…you open it up, you put it back on (the dog’s collar) and that’s it. Why wouldn’t you want this? It’s basically the four-legged bottle opener for the party animal, I mean it’s perfect. what more could you ask for?”
Dumped straight from the annals of irony. This guy in Fargo (and you thought the movie exaggerated) doesn’t like to lock his door but prefers to place a stool with beer cans stacked on it next to the door. Yeah, that sounds easier. Daniel Gable stumbles into this guy’s apartment, knocks over the cans and wakes up the guy. The guy comes out in his underwear and starts fighting with Gable. They tumble into the hall and 911 is called. Turns out the cops think maybe Gable was just too drunk and got the wrong apartment.
Billie Joe (no big surprise there) Crawford was drinking in MacEnzi’s Bar until 10pm one Saturday night. He took off and came back half an hour later with a dark brown beanie [wtf!?] pulled over his face. He robbed the place for a handful of cash and was arrested hours later because the bartender know exactly who lurked beneath beanie boy’s beanie.
Deputies in Fort Meyers, Florida were working this traffic accident when a blonde, 35-year-old elementary school teacher goes barreling through the area and almost wipes a deputy. They pull Jennifer Lee De Roberto over and she reeks of alcohol. The best part is that when cops asked if she’d been drinking, she said “No” and then, with slurred speech, explained she was the designated driver and she was the only one in the car. Even better, she asked the deputy to get her phone from the car, which he did, and when he returned he caught her with her pants down, literally. She exposed herself to him and peed where she stood with onlookers doing what they do best. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Seriously, i know exactly where she’s coming from (and where she’s going) because i’ve been there myself. Just sayin’.
Moving on from water sports to…
Apparently his ‘handlers’ insisted on it.
Bobby McCray, a New Orleans’ Saint, was busted for DUI on December 29, 2009 and as soon as he got out, he went on Twitter and called the arresting officer “a short guy with a Napoleon complex” who busted him for “DWP: Driving With Pizza”. He’s since apologized and taken down the page.
David Freese, a baseball player, was pulled over and busted for DUI after failing a field sobriety test. He clocked in at 0.232%, which isn’t bad but worse than .323, his batting average.
Dale Earnhardt drives a car and owns a bar called the Whisky River in Charlotte, North Carolina. One helluva owner as well, ’cause he picked up the tab for every drink drunk between 8-9pm. The bartender says it was a hefty sum, but that didn’t stop Junior from also tipping generously. Now if he’d only open a bar in Yeman.
Louise Glover, one time Playboy Model of the Year, was busted in Essex, England for giving a friend a nose job with the help of a toilet seat. Totally normal, the victim “looked at her husband”. You think i’m kidding, try looking at Miss Demeanor in a bar and see what i do to you. If i can stand up. And make a fist. Or reach a toilet seat.
Apparently, Glover was in the bathroom—loo—of the Oceana Nightclub, where she works as a waitress, with her friend DJ Maxine Hardcastle. They threw down after Glover threw a drink down Hardcastle’s blouse for looking at Glover’s estranged husband. Glover then hit Hardcastle in the face, breaking her nose and causing Hardcastle to bang her head against a stall door. Then Glover grabbed Hardcastle by the hair and repeatedly slammed her face into a toilet seat before trying to drown her in the toilet. Glover’s hubbie came in and broke up the fight.
Am i alone in thinking if Jennifer De Roberto, the pissing school teacher, partied with Louise Glover and looked at Ms Glover’s husband, then she wouldn’t have had to look too far for a toilet?