Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ORPHAN

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the movie [Guitar Hero scene]: Cheap Trick – Surrender

And yeah, i know, for all my bragging about movies i get to see before you Yanks, this one has only just come out in Yeman and it was released last summer in the Sates. Now you get why i boast on those rare occasions i get the shot.

Ramblings: M-Orphan Than A Barrel Of Monkeys

Final Proof: 2½ Shots 

You know how you drink with cool kids in their house? They’ve got these vapid parents and insipid siblings and porcelain knick-knacks that sit bored on the shelf. The music is monotonous and the second hand on the grandfather clock is too tired to budge. The air is dead, the light is dying, the dog is slow, the beer is flat, the gin is swill and the rum is runs of the mill. Still, there’s the one kid who’s quick as a Zippo, cute as a butt ‘n’ funny as hell. i mean, the kid’s not so great you forget you feel like you’re treading water in quicksand but at least you’re entertained enough you don’t need to drink yourself as unconscious as the wallpaper. Orphan is kinda like that.

i wasn’t too terribly impressed by Orphan and i’m gonna blame it on Jaume Collet-Serra, the director. He sets the pace right at the very beginning with a dream sequence and i hate dream sequences. They’re a quick cop out to get something exciting going without forcing consequences on anyone. This is just one cheap trick [hey! maybe that’s why “Surrender” is in the movie!] Collet-Serra pulls from his bag of cheap tricks. Orphan is a lesson in horror movie directing clichés, from the close ups on the face to the tight shots on the backs so we have no idea what’s happening in the room, from snatching back shower curtains to the loud blasts of music telling us when we should be startled. The suspense is efficient, but Jaume breaks no new ground here.

Not to mention the cascade of WTF? moments:

Ooh, i’m in the hospital and i have my I-Phone right here that i just got a call from Estonia on and they told me my daughter is a whackjob serial killer… What should i do? Call the police? No, call my husband, who’s at home with the girl. He doesn’t answer… Should i call the police now? No, i know, i’ll wait until i get dressed and run out of the hospital and find my car in the parking lot and start driving home and then, when i’m speeding down an icy road in a snowstorm, that’s when i’ll call 911.


But Orphan wasn’t a total buzz kill. There was Vera Farmiga doing a more than solid job as Little Orphan Baddie’s new mom, Kate Coleman. There was Peter Sarsgaard holding up his end as best he could as Raggedy Brigandy’s daddy (and i’d love it if one of y’all could tell me where i know this actor from—yes, i’ve checked imdb up, down and all over). But man of all mans, Isabelle Fuhrman impressed the hell out of me.

She filmed the part of Esther when she was freaking 11 years old and she owned the role, drove it around and took it to town. She absolutely absorbed all of the intricacies of the character. The part didn’t require a lot of range but man, did she go deep. Remember Nathalie Portman in Léon: The Professional? Remember Kirsten Dunst in Interview With A Vampire? Carve it in the bar: We’re gonna be hearing as much from Isabelle Fuhrman as we do about those other girls.

Vera Farmiga and Isabelle Fuhrman

Speaking of Isabelle, she’s now 12 years old, which means she gets carded here. Nothing age inappropriate going on in The Bar None.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Move along, nothing to see here—literally.

Here’s the notes i jotted:

  • A shot of boys in a tree house looking at a Playboy
  • Vera [Farmiga] sex scene from the waist up in a bra
  • Cool erotic paintings [all over Esther’s bedroom walls]

Here’s a peek at what Vera in a bra looks looks like…

There’s also a silken butterfly, one of those beautiful visions that flit fleetingly across the screen. Lorry Ayers portrays a milf hitting on Esther’s father in a playground…

Here’s a little one for the ladies (and the undecided):

Sorry About The Censorship

(For the unadultered image go to:

A Smoke

Drink: 1½ Shots

A quick thumb through my notes:

  • Mother is a non-practicing alcoholic
  • She doesn’t want to go to AA [she quit alone]
  • She stops herself from drinking wine [twice]
  • Later we learn that she quit after passing out and her daughter fell into a pond [rescued by father]
  • Beer at dinner for dad
  • Father downs a bottle of wine by himself
  • He gets way more f*cked up on one bottle than me

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

On Guitar Hero we get the Cheap Trick above. The other song is “Re-education (Through Labor)” by Rise Against. Here it is for ya.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: David Johnson (screenplay) and Alex Mace (story)

Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra


Isabelle Fuhrman – Esther

Vera Farmiga – Kate Coleman

Lorry Ayers – Joyce

Peter Sarsgaard – John Coleman

Bottom Line

See it, just so you can say you saw Isabelle Fuhrman back when…

6 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ORPHAN

  1. I’d see the movie just cuz I’m a sucker for really evil tweens (that being said The remake of Village of the Damned sucked bigtime after the original)

  2. Hey Al, I am finally HERE!!! After a total dry spell of commenting (that having more to do with the holidays and your being online a little more than usual, and me not having my very quiet days to think and work and comment here than anything you have written, or not written), I am baaaaack.

    First off, I LOVE that fourth photo of Vera with the red stockings. Just gorgeous, that is. I want to look that good in red stockings like that! That’s hot…

    Second, I am sorry I finked out on you with this one. Sounds like I did not miss much except for a cool performance by a talented young actress. It’s funny to think that you saw a movie without me! That’s gotta be a first for a really long while! (Well, except for those on-demand things you have turned on to which I have fallen asleep, or “The Other Man,” which I never could make it through without dozing off…)

    I have never seen a movie with an evil tween, either, so this would have been a first for me. Evil children? Yes. Seen one of those. Evil teen? Yup — we just caught that Diablo Cody one not that long ago. But tween? Nope. Have never seen one.

    As far as the writing goes, I continue to love each and every one of those intro paragraphs you write. While I cannot corroborate that your intro is accurate for this one, by reading it, I can understand *exactly* what this movie is like and would probably be bored with it. Bored, and freaked out at the whole evil tween thing, that is.

    I should go back to previous blogs, too, and thank you for all the props you have given me in posts of late… Buuuuuut, maybe I can just thank you later in a more, hmmm, personal way, eh? 😉

    The Future Mrs. Hall

    (Heh — I just realized that Demeanor-Hall kinda sounds like “Demerol.” *giggle* Think I should hyphenate??)

    • OMG,OMG,OMG must see The Bad Seed (1956) with Patty McCormack, almost as good is The Innocents (1961) Deborah Kerr (but if you’ve read Turn of the Screw you know this story), if you want something more contemparary, try The Good Son (1993) with Macaulay Culkin (and a very young Elijah Wood)

  3. Oh — and Peter Sarsgaard:

    All from Wikipedia:

    He landed his first feature role in the movie “Dead Man Walking” in 1995. He then appeared in the independent films” Another Day in Paradise” (1995) and “Desert Blue” (1996). In 1998, Sarsgaard received a substantial role in “The Man in the Iron Mask” (1998), playing the son of John Malkovich’s character. Sarsgaard later achieved critical recognition when he was cast in “Boys Don’t Cry” (1999) as John Lotter. He landed his first leading role in the 2001 film “The Center of the World”. The following year, he played supporting roles in “Empire,” “The Salton Sea,” and “K-19: The Widowmaker.”

    For his portrayal of Charles Lane in “Shattered Glass”, Sarsgaard won the Online Film Critics Society Award in the category for Best Supporting Actor and was nominated for the 2004 Golden Globe Award for Best Supporting Actor. Sarsgaard has appeared in an eclectic range of films, including the 2004 comedy “Garden State,” the biographical film “Kinsey” (2004), the drama “The Dying Gaul” (2005) and big-budget films such as “Flightplan” (2005), “Jarhead” (2005), and “Orphan” (2009).

    …Sarsgaard has been in a relationship with actress Maggie Gyllenhaal since 2002. In 2006, the two became engaged and Gyllenhaal gave birth to their daughter, Ramona, on October 3, 2006. On May 2, 2009 Sarsgaard and Gyllenhaal were married in Italy.

    That’s where I realized I had heard of him and seen him in photos before – he’s My Maggie’s husband! Love me that Maggie G, I do.

    I bet you have seen him in one of the movies listed up there, though. I know you have seen “Flightplan,” for example.

  4. Pingback: Booze Revooze: THE HUNGER GAMES « The Bar None — High & Dry

Leave us some tips!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s