From the juiced-box and in the Russian dregs: Tatu – All The Things She Said
[Press ‘Play’ to play]
Think back and try to remember when i told you about Tara Biller, the chick who ditched her 10-year-old daughter on December 7 last year. Not one to play favorites, Biller repeated her offense with her infant son. Last week she was arrested for a traffic violation driving a stolen Chrysler (another indication of her stupidity—everyone knows if you’re gonna steal a car, steal foreign) with her infant son in the baby seat, not strapped in obviously ’cause that might be mistaken for for good motherhood. Oh yeah, it goes without saying that she was under the influence of something.; otherwise she wouldn’t be here.
Jan 3: Drunk Angry Guy At Wall-Mart (And In Other Shocking News: Trailer Trash Drink Pabst)
Rodger Wynn went to a Wall-Mart in Ohio, grabbed some BBQ crap and 12-pack of Steel Reserve beer [again, if you’re gonna steal can you not boost better quality?] Then he walked around the shop and yelled profanities at other shoppers, drinking the beer the whole time. So he was busted for aggravated menacing, theft and disorderly conduct while intoxicated [as opposed to ‘orderly conduct while intoxicated’]. The real reason i like this guy is he pissed himself several times in the interview room. Pee stories always crack me up.
A bookstore in Australia has decided to stock its shelves with more than books. In Sydney, you can go to this one place and drink up wine and literature at the same time, because we all know how fun it is to read Proust while buzzing. The store, i’m guessing, is named after the sound you make while barfing and reading Proust: Berkelouw Books.
Anyway, good enough for this crack retorter to exposé some Aussie chicks:
Jan 7: Drunk Angry Guy In A Nazi Costume Arrested For His Own Safety (Yes, it was Tennessee, how’d you guess?)
Michael Amyx got lit up and went to evict his dad, ’cause that’s what drunk assholes wearing Nazi uniforms do. So he was ‘visibly intoxicated’ (his girlfriend—oh those Tennessee girls—told police that Amyx always fights with his father when he drinks) and creating such a fuss in the front yard of his dad’s place that the cops were called out there several times and in the end decided to take him in for unknown charges. Basically what we got here is, “You’re under arrest for being an asshole in danger.” Thank god that isn’t against the law in Yeman, otherwise i’d have been arrested more times than i can spell. The corker here is the comment someone tacked on at The Weekly Vice website. (The sardonitalic comments in brackets are mine.)
The Weekly Vice Opinion:
I can’t believe you can even buy a vile outfit like that!! Why the hell did he have it on? I guess I would rather him wear it at home then out in public where he can offend any Jewish person that sees him. [Wow, apparently a dude in a cheap ass Nazi uniform only bugs Jews. None of us goys have a problem with a Storm Drain Trooper walking around sporting the colors of the Third Reich.] Can you imagine some of the memories this could drum up [should be ‘drudge up’ my littlerate Mandi with an ‘i’] for people who have been through those times? [Yeah, ’cause we all know Backwater, Tennessee houses the world’s largest population of Holocaust survivors.]
Mandi [See? With an ‘i’.] Milenko
The Weekly Vice
i bet it’s happened to all of us at least once. We’re sitting around, getting our buzz on and start wondering what it’d be like to put a pair of women’s panties our head. i know i’ve done it at least once this week and no blood, not foul. Still, it’s not a good idea to then decide to rob a convenience store hoping the panties will provode a good disguise. They won’t, and the sad story of Larry Bernard attests to this. He got drunk, put some panties on his head and took a knife to rob a convenience store and got away with some cash, cigarettes and a lighter. After the cops looked at the videotape, they found Larry drunk and staggering in a nearby alley, which apparently they needed the videotape to do. Wearing woman’s panties on his head: he probably thought he was slick but ended up with a permanent stain on his record.
Yes, sad but true. Russian authorities have decided to double the price of cheap vodka to dilute alcoholism. You’ll now have to drop 3 bones for a fifth of the cheap stuff in Moscow. Don’t cry too hard, your tears’ll freeze. [A free tequila for my Brother Ken, who brought this news to my attention.]
To soften the blow, i’ma exposé Tatu, my favorite famous lesbian schoolgirls.
This guy is The Hoff of pro sports… Jayson Williams, formerly of the NBA Phoenix Suns, drunk drove into a tree and was arraigned from his hospital. This is the same guy who murdered his limo driver with a shotgun in 2002, got tased by police in a New York hotel where he was drunk, violent and suicidal in April 2009, and got busted for busting up some guy in a bar in Raleigh in May 2009. [Wiki details all this really well.]
The National Parliament in Pakistan has fined members of the men’s field hockey team up to $1,175 for getting drunk and hugging a woman. A Pakistani news channel posted pictures of one guy hugging a woman and another drinking a beer. Yeah, i pretty much posted this for the ‘Islam-is-bad’ pun ’cause no one has decreed a Fatwa against me in like forever.
Remember all that crap i talked about with Charlie Sheen getting arrested for getting his wife some bruises for Christmas? Turns out Brooke Mueller, the wife in question, is no saint either. She ended up in rehab at 5 months pregnant after bottles of booze were found hidden in her car. Hell, if the bottles were vodka and Kahlua then the twins coulda got a White Russian while breast feeding.
Some singer named Bow Wow started the New Year off right by twitting:
Face numb im whippin the lambo. Tispy as f*k. Just left @livmiami. Im f**ked up!!! Ohhhh damn. Y i drive the lambo. Chris might have to drive after next spot.
Oh those wacky drunk drivers. Dude shoulda taken out the Georgia Funeral Insurance.
Mariah Carey got smashed before winning some kind of award and went on stage to prove it. Click on the title to this paragraph for the story and the TMZ video. It’s not all that surprising. While looking for pictures of her drinking, the problem was too many to choose from. Here’s what i’m on about.
Still, i was able to find some sober pictures of her as well.