The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With THE Erin McGrane

(c) Brian Collins of Fixation Media

From the juiced-box and Erin’s cabaret band’s first CD: Alacartoona – Every Saint Needs A Sinner

[Y’all gotta press ‘Play’ for the Alacartoona songs. As i couldn’t hook up with my normal dealer, i paid a buck for each tune here. Sure it’s a good deal, especially when you hear the songs, so you gotta get my money’s worth.]

‘Member how i did a Booze Revooze of Up In The Air? Erin sure does. See, in the Silken Butterflies section i mentioned Meagan Flynn (who i interviewed here), but misread my notes when it came to Erin. Only problem was, Erin and Meagan are friends so Erin called me out in the comments section of the review. i groveled with what will go down deep in my annals as The Shout Out post. Laugh all you want but i must’ve said something right because this amazing young lady not only agreed to an interview, but rocked it up one side and down the other.

Here then, is The Booze Talkin’ with Erin McGrane, who plays George Clooney’s ex-love interest and neighbor Dianne in Up In The Air.

[AlKHallsim: The photos link alternately to Erin’s two agents: Shirley Hamilton for Chicago and the rest of the world, and Exposure, Inc. for Kansas City.]

Try as you might, no one has been able to talk me out of the ridiculous mad lib intros. To remind you the rules: i asked Erin to give me 10 words and then plugged them into a text i’d already written. She had no idea what the text was. To change things up a little bit, i’ve decided to include the words i asked her to provide; her answers are underlined.

(1) Favorite city, (2) Favorite color, (3) Object, (4) Favorite food, (5) Adverb, (6) Favorite song, (7) Other favorite food, (8) Favorite drink, (9) Favorite body part, (10) Verb of speech

Erin and i crossed paths in the Paris airport. I’d been stopped at security for carrying this huge green guitar, but she stepped up and vouched for me. To thank her, i took her to an upscale, all you can eat pot roast with all the trimmings buffet. The lights were dim, the candles burned fantastically and the soft sounds of Blackbird” floated through the restaurant air like sushi on a river of Irish Whiskey. i reached over and timidly rested my hand on her mouth. “I must interview you,” i sang madly.

Al K Hall: Let’s rock and roll, baby.

Erin McGrane: That’s what I do best.

Al K Hall: You sure fit right in here in Paris. Have you always been a big city chick?

Erin: Actually, I was born and raised in northwest Iowa. Farm country.

Al K Hall: How corny! Get it!? “Corny”? [Erin gags a little.] C’mon, they got corn in Iowa, right? Man, i’m good at this stuff. So, Erin… Can i call you “Erin”? What do people in real life call you?

Erin: ‘Rin, EMac, E, Erinski

(c) Pam Taylor of

Al K Hall: “E”. i like that. Like “beautiful-E”. Or “ink-E“. Here’s a transition for you, got any tattoos?

Erin: I’ll never tell.

Al K Hall: That’s OK, we’ll play “Find The Tat” later. What about cool scars?

Erin: I’m wretchedly clumsy so…oh yes.  My favorites are a wicked one on my right wrist/hand from when I put my hand through a window by accident, and then a triangle-shaped one on my left knee.  I got that one in 6th grade when I was jumping hurdles practicing for a track meet.  Except that I had just broken my left arm and it was in a cast, so my balance was off.  I wiped out real bad because I couldn’t break my fall. That one hurt.

Al K Hall: i could kiss them to make them all better… [Erin gags a little more.] Or not. Either way. So, 6th grade… How old are you now?

Erin: Here’s your chance to flatter me!

Al K Hall: Hmm, i’d say more than the sentence for statutory and less than the sentence for killing someone. Which puts you somewhere between jailbait and murder.

Erin: That’s a compliment?

Al K Hall: i’m pretty sure. How’s this: Is it fun being gorgeous? Do you realize that wherever you go, you go there with a hot girl while the rest of us can only say that if we slide up so slowly next to one in a bar that she doesn’t notice we’re there?

Erin: Sweet talker.  Hey – was that you last night hanging around the ladies room at the bar?

Al K Hall: No way! i was the guy in the ladies room next to the condom machine. Everyone needs a hobby, right? And if we’d hooked up there, what’s something i wouldn’t have known about you right off the bat?

Erin: I’m clumsy…

Al K Hall: Oh yeah, like the getting scarred up while hurdle jumping in a cast.

Erin: …and I like to sew.

Al K Hall: Great! Can you sew me a suit like the one George Clooney wore in Up In The Air? No? Maybe if i win “Find The Tat”…  So, how did you get the role of Dianne, Clooney’s neighbor and ex-love interest in Up In The Air?

Erin: Shawn Mullane at Exposure – my fabulous agent – called me in for the audition.  I auditioned through several rounds, culminating in reading on camera with Jason Reitman himself then having to be approved by Paramount in the final round.  Nerve-wracking to say the least!  I think Meagan and I talked every day during the waiting period before it was confirmed that we got the roles.

Al K Hall: What kind of director is Jason Reitman? Super laid back and lets you find your character or kinda bossy and hooked on the details?

Erin: Working with Jason was wonderful.  He’s very approachable and understands actors.  One of my favorite things about working with him was the audition; he read the scene with me himself.  Playing the scene together several different ways was delightful and the kind of experience actors live for.

Another Scoop: Erin *Rocks* Hats

Al K Hall: C’mon, how ’bout some dirt? What was the least pleasant thing about the shoot?

Erin: The worst thing about the shoot was that it was too short!  I would have loved to stay longer.

Al K Hall: I’m not sure that counts as “dirt”, babe. What about the producers. Did they treat you right? For example, did they pay for your bar tab?

Erin: The producers were great!  Um, yes, actually George paid my bar tab.

Al K Hall: Only because you’re way hotter than that Italian wench he hangs with. i know everyone asks what it was like to work with him, but i’m more interested in you. What was it like for him to work with you?

Erin: I had to let him down easy…

[i laugh out loud and a little of my vin rouge comes out my nose. Erin is a trip.]

Al K Hall: What souvenirs did you keep from the set? You can tell me, it’ll stay here in The Bar None, swear to god.

Erin: Just the usual stuff I skimmed from the hotel: towels, pillow, hairdryer, wall art…

Al K Hall: Yeah, it’s a bitch to unscrew those hair thingies from the wall. Back to the movie, what did you think— Wait, you have seen it, right?

Erin: I’ve seen it several times now in KC and in Chicago with friends.  So fun!

Al K Hall: What did you think of your scenes?

Erin: George is fabulous.  I was fortunate to spend most of the day with him on set and then had dinner and drinks that evening, so I got to know him some and I can tell you he’s great.  He’s warm, generous, totally hilarious and a goof ball, relaxed  — the kind of guy you want to come to every party you give from now on.  He’s the center of every room he’s in.  He’s also wicked smart.  Oh yeah – did I mention gorgeous?

Al K Hall: Yeah, i got that. What did you guys drink?

Erin: George drank champagne all night – before dinner and into the wee hours.  Don’t know what kind of champagne – none I had ever had – but it was beyond delicious.  I drank my usual…started the evening off with a blue sapphire martini up with olives, (a little wet and not too dirty thank you), wine during dinner, champagne with dessert, then switched after dinner in the bar to Jameson.

Al K Hall: You go, girl! What about your other projects? You play the role of Demi Fitzpatrick, one of the Unreal Housewives Of Kansas City. Don’t you think you’re a little young to play a cougar?

Erin: One of the things I love about Demi is that she tries so hard – too hard – and doesn’t realize she doesn’t need to at all.  She’s actually kind of sweet but definitely misguided…she thinks it’s really cool to be a cougar and she feels that she’s in training for when she gets old enough.

Al K Hall: Wow, i can see you’ve thought a lot about her! My favorite webisode of yours was “Pilot: Martinis & Monologues” because you make those kick ass cougar sounds. How many takes did it take you to nail that? How did you learn that? Will you ‘do the cougar’ for me later?

Erin: The cougar comes naturally, Al.  However, I don’t usually ‘cougar’ on command.   Tell me why I should…

Al K Hall: Um, i won’t hold you to our game of “Find The Tat”? Is the cougar purr how you got chosen for the part?

Erin: In fact, the producers (Meagan Flynn, Jen Plas and Michelle Davidson Bratcher) called me directly and asked me if I’d like to do it.  I had worked with Jen and Meagan before and they thought I’d be right for the role.

Al K Hall: A role you got an Emmy for! Congratulations! How many statuettes did they give y’all and who gets to keep one in their house? Are you going to take turns or did you play rock/paper/scissors?

Erin: Well, we eventually all got a statue.  FYI, they do make you pay for them and they ain’t cheap, lemme tell you.

Al K Hall: Babe! That is so stingy. And also why i decided not to win an Emmy. i just can’t afford to.

(c) Brian Collins of Fixation Media

Al K Hall: Being the professional that i am, i did some research between a couple sips of Smirnoff Ice and on IMBD i saw you have a film, Nailbiter, coming out this year. What’s the pitch for the movie?

Erin: Ooo – I’m really excited about this.  Nailbiter is a thriller/horror film that I describe as a cross between Twister and Aliens and it’s directed by the talented Patrick Rae.  The story is about a young mom who is driving her girls across Kansas when they get caught in a terrible storm.  They take shelter in an abandoned farmhouse and just when you think it’s safe….I’m under contract to stop there.

Al K Hall: Sounds awesome, i can’t wait! You’re the only actress listed in this film, what’s up with that?

Erin: I think the other girls are minors.  I’m definitely not!

Al K Hall: Like i said, between jailbait and murder… You’re also the singer Ruby Falls in Alacartoona, a cabaret act.

[Press ‘Play’ for Alacartoona’s “Ruby’s Lament”]

Al K Hall: How would you define “cabaret act”?

Erin: A cabaret is an intimate night spot where stars and unknowns alike face no restrictions on the type of music or performance, can experiment with new or avant-garde material, and can interact with the audience. The cabaret removes the “fourth wall” between artist and audience, thus heightening the synergy between the two.  It’s not “burlesque” or “vaudeville”.  It’s something else from those.

Al K Hall: “Baudeville”! Yeah, i get that.

(c) Jospeh Maino Photography

Erin: Within that framework, Alacartoona is developing a new performance form we’re calling, “theatrical music”.  We write original music and spoken pieces that our characters bring to life on stage through lipstick, accordion and gin. Our songs have back stories and loosely tie together to provide insight into these very interesting characters.  It’s dark, sexy, sad, funny and very entertaining.  Or at least we think so!

(c) Jospeph Maino Photography

Erin: Alacartoona has a standing monthly happy hour show at a great Kansas City Jazz club, Jardine’s.  The club serves Alacartoona’s signature drink, the “Alacartini”. It’s made from the tears of an angel distilled in hell’s cauldron.  Let’s have one, shall we?

Al K Hall: [Sips drink] Oooh, bittersweet. What’s your touring schedule like? Isn’t it tough to juggle a singing career, an acting career and a top modeling career (because you are just that damn beautiful)?

Erin: Flattery will go a long way with me, just so you know.  I work in two cities equally – Chicago and Kansas City, so I travel all the time.  Alacartoona hasn’t toured much lately, but more road dates are in the works for this year.  And yes – sometimes it’s hard to keep up with all I have going on and hard to keep the focus up, but I love it and I’m thankful that I get to do what I love for a living!

Al K Hall: You go by the stage name Ruby Falls in Alacartoona. i, Al K Hall, think fake names are kinda silly. Don’t you?

Erin: [She giggles so cutely even kittens are jealous.] I think you’re silly.  And very sweet and funny.  You’re paying me for this, right?

Al K Hall: Um, define ‘paying for this’.

(c) Joseph Maino Photography

Erin: Seriously, alter egos rule.  Everyone should have at least one.

Al K Hall: At least one. Wait, who said that? OK, how would you define the similarities and differences between Ruby and Erin?

Erin: Ruby is bolder than Erin and takes more risks.  Erin is concerned for others, Ruby is essentially concerned with her own survival.  And love.  And whiskey.  Both Erin and Ruby are passionate about everything they do.  Ruby is a better drinker than Erin these days.

Al K Hall: Cool! Give me Ruby’s number, k?

Erin: You can reach her at Alacartoona’s website, MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter pages.

Al K Hall: Wow, she gets around! What about you? Any other projects that i was too lazy to discover?

Erin: I’m working on a team of talented KC artists developing a new cross-discipline performance work entitled, “The Oil Boiler” which will be staged in May in Kansas City.  It’s about a hit man who is losing his nerve (and his mind) and it takes place in a seedy night club full of hit men with a jazz band. Will I see you there?

Al K Hall: You know it. As soon as i get the ticket you send me. Oh yeah, i fly Business, remember. Have your people call my people. Speaking of, if a casting agent is interested in contacting you, what’s the best way?

Erin: In Kansas City: Exposure, Inc. In Chicago or other regions: Shirley Hamilton, Inc.

Al K Hall: Any words for your many fans?

Erin: I owe it all to Al K. Hall.

Al K Hall: Oooh, charming and witty. You really got it all, don’t you?

Al K Hall: Time for the dreaded Bar None portion of the show. Have you had your shots? ‘Cause here we go… what’s your favorite alcohol?

Erin: The one you’re buyin’, preferably Irish Whiskey.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Erin: Last time I saw you, Al.

Al K Hall: That’s true, i do make a lot of people sick. Do you smoke?

Erin: No way!  I’m an ex-smoker and never will again.

Al K Hall: Nobody’s perfect. What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear a lot?

Erin: Shit, I dunno.  I mean, hell no I don’t swear!

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Erin: Bold and funny.

Al K Hall: As a Meagan Fox tattoo, baby. Speaking of ‘Meagan’, i almost forgot…if Meagan Flynn, your friend and co-star in Up In The Air and Unreal Housewives of Kansas City, should happen to read this, what’s a question i didn’t ask her in my interview with her that i should have?

Erin: She is multi-talented and totally hot.  “Meagan, is there anything you can’t do?”

Al K Hall: Meagan? If you’re here in The Bar None, we expect an answer! Meagan had this one for you, Erin: “Is Meagan Flynn the best co-star ever?”

Erin: The only drawback to working with Meagan is that she is so smokin’ hot and talented that it’s hard to get any love with her around.

[This is a reference to my oversighting her in the original review of Up In The Air… Erin jibes her elbow into my side and winks ferociously. i am so distraught, i drown my sorrows in a gallon jug of Alacartini and am unable to continue the interview. Tragically, i also have to take a rain check on “Find The Tat”.]

And that, kids, is all she wrote. Hope you’re sitting down for the disclaimer. Believe it or not, Erin and i never really met in Roissy-Charles De Gaulle airport outside of Paris. The whole interview was done through e-mail and, while i added bits to make the transitions smoother, i didn’t change an iota of Erin’s answers.

i have many things to thank Erin McGrane for. First off, i’d like to thank her for forgiving my unforgivable boner in not mentioning her in the original draft of my Up In The Air review. Second off, i’d like to thank her for her time, imagination, wit, honesty, and lack of pressing charges during our exchanges. She is as clever and sincere as she is beautiful, which is all too rare a commodity in a talented actress these days.

To thank you, my patronizers, i leave you with a bonus round: Alacartoona’s “Just A Drink Or Two”

[PS  Follow this link to see the complete list of The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews In The Bar None]

Obrigado! [Thank You To A Drunken Portuguese]

Just a little shout out while i wait for Erin to approve my interview…

i noticed today that someone who is WordPressed posted a kind of summary of my Booze Revoozes on his page. It’s in Portuguese, so go there forewarned, but i wanted to share my appreciation. Thank You, Escasso, demasiado escasso (that’s “Scarce, too scarce” to you and me).

While i’m on the subject, i’d like to thank the following people who, over the last couple weeks, have been kind enough to include me on their blogrolls…

  1. RA64Freddy: i’ve been getting regular hits off this blog that specializes in cars. If you care, i’m listed under “drinking.” in the blogroll. Thanks, Freddy!
  2. An Alcoholic’s Daily Struggle: This is an alcoholic who is learning to moderate his drinking. Stop by and encourage “iamanalcoholic”. Thanks for the add, babe!
  3. The She Chronicles (A Blog for the Alcoholic & Bipolar Minds): “Bats” is a non-practicing alcoholic who also suffers from bi-polar disorder. Thanks for including me on your blogroll, Bats.
  4. Dayafterthehangover’s Blog: While she doesn’t have a blogroll to to include me on, “My Sweetest Hangover” (my nick for her) stops by regularly and has mentioned The Bar None in her blog. Thanks for the props, Hangover.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of FROM PARIS WITH LOVE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Vaux – Are You With Me

Ramblings: Oui Oui Oui, All The Way Home

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a cheap French restaurant? The chef has a rep and the waiters are cool so you drink your wine and sit back, ready for a good time. ‘Cept it doesn’t come, ’cause when the food does its French cuisine trying to be American food and it fails to please no matter what nationality it’s supposed to be, just leftovers reheated in the microwave that are cold in the middle and bland so you reach for the bottle but the wine is watered down and tepid so, sure, you catch a little buzz from time to time ’cause it is wine after all but mostly you just want someone to bring you the check so you can go home and get drunk on scotch while you watch Betty Blue. From Paris With Love is kinda like that.

Luc Besson, who directed a crap load of French films in English (like The Professional with Jean Reno, which was also Nathalie Portman’s first major film) was investigated for involuntary manslaughter after a stuntman died filming Taxi 2, a movie Luc wrote and produced. i’m just saying Luc likes action and i see where he was trying to go with this movie.

Kasia Smutniak In The Movie

He was looking for a quirky action film but he bailed after giving the story to some other guy to write the screenplay and then a completely other dude to direct. Maybe if Luc had stayed onboard, he wouldnt’a had to go down with the ship.

John Travolta has a good time with his character but the ‘crazy CIA agent’ is as original as a movie poster about Paris with the Eiffel Tower in it. Then we got Johnathan Rhys Meyers who struggles to act with an American accent and i kept wondering why they just didn’t get an American to do the freaking role, unless it’s sick revenge for Tom Cruise’s Irish accent in Far And Away.

John Travolta In The Movie

The movie flows quickly enough and there’s a lot of action, just not anything new or interesting or fun. Next time, hopefully Besson will follow through instead of just passing off.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

i’m thinking that i shouldn’t go over two sots for any movie that has no nudity, swear to god.

Anyway, Kasia Smutniak (which i believe is Polish for “I’m so much hotter than you there’s no way you’ll get any smut off of me”) is in this. She’s this Polish top model who lives in Italy now.

Kasia Smutniak (30):

As for the Silken Butterfly, the same one flitted across this screen as Agora: the stunning Amber Rose Revah. In FPWL, she plays a dinner guest, Nichole, and we even get to hear her speak a line! She’s got this English accent as smooth as a pure malt whiskey that makes you gasp before it settles in your heart and gets you a little drunk.

Click On Image For Wallpaper Size

For those who prefer Eiffel Towers to nice buttes, i got some John Travolta (56) for you.

And here’s some Johnathan Rhys Meyers (32):

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

Here’s the breakdown, directly from my notes:

  • [James] drinks wine at home
  • Caroline serves wine at dinner
  • 2 bottles of wine at dinner [party]

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

While i was a little let down by the absence of real rock songs (other than the pop rock we get at the credits, which i posted above), the soundtrack background was hard enough at moments. Still, most of the 3 shots i’m giving this bad boy are because the action was pretty constant, so the R&R attitude of the movie was there, even if it looked like remakes.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Luc Besson (story)

Adi Hasak (screenplay)

Directed by: Pierre Morel


Kasia Smutniak – Caroline

Amber Rose Revah – Nichole

John Travolta – Charlie Wax

Johnathan Rhys Meyers – James Reece

Bottom Line

Wait for it to come to TV.

Dregs Of The Week: Feb 15 – Feb 22

Hayden's Not The Only One Lickin' The Dregs This Week

This week at the bottom of the dregs we got a fallen hero, a visit from Lindsay, Pete looking petered, Charlie Sheen’s wife in rehab, Charlie Sheen not in rehab, Emma Roberts smarter than you think, Dita Von Teese in her cups, Jesus’trail of broken beer bottles, why you can’t pee in Rio and oh so many more things that aren’t my fault.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Hayden Panettiere: Ron Hacker – I Got Tattooed

[Press ‘Play’ to get tattooed]

Feb 17: Drinkin’ Makes Me Horny And Stupid, Too

This 45-year-old in Bunnell, Florida drove herself to the local prison for a conjugal visit with her homey-away-from-home. Only problem was, she was late for her visitation pass. Only other problem was the jail doesn’t allow conjugal visits. The real problems started when she came back a short time later and the deputies realized she was totally drunk. They called the road patrol who found her sitting in the car in the parking lot. She failed every test they threw at her: field test, breath test and she had a BAC of 0.256%. She was arrested, but the cold hearted bastards wouldn’t even throw her drunk ass in the same cell as her jail-mate—the babe had to go home and work release in solitary.

Feb 15: An Upstream Battle

You can be arrested for peeing in Rio. Seems years past, revelers got liquored up and found sweet relief just about anywhere to the point the gutters were rivers of liquid gold. Well, not anymore. To stem the primrose tide, city officials are fining and even arresting main vein drainers. At last-call, 77 golden showerers were cut off.

Feb 17: Not That Funny

i tried to find a way to make this funny, god knows i did, but there just isn’t anything funny about it. Nathan Lewis (21), of Lewiston (no relation, i’m guessing), Idaho got himself hitched on a Sunday. That afternoon, he got popped like K-Mart champagne for D&D, which is lingo for Drunk & Disorderly, not Dungeons & Dragons. So I. M. Redneck gets out on bail and then goes home and gets busted again, this time for domestic violence because he beat up on his new wife. Arrested twice on his wedding night, that’s how you know when the honeymoon’s over.

Feb 15: Cops Find Jesus

Jesus Perez (26) got drunk in Massachusetts, like everyone else in the freakin’ state, but made the mistake of driving into 6 parked cars. But even that doesn’t set him apart from the rest of the Massachewtards. He’s smarter than the average christ ’cause when he fled the scene, he grabbed his case of Heineken. He failed as beer savior, though, ’cause there was a hole in the case and he kept losing bottles that smashed on the ground behind him as he ran. All the police had to do to arrest him was follow the trail of broken glass. Handsful & Cretin: a truly Grimm fairytale.

Celebrity Dregs

Feb 15: i’m Breaking The Rules

i normally avoid anything that has to do with drugs because the scope of this blog is already wide enough, but y’ll made me change my mind by hitting Celebrity Dregs Of The Weeks: Nov 30 – Dec 13 a freaking 77 times last Saturday. And it was all about Brian Bonsall. i tried to figure out why this old post received so much attention and uncovered that Brian recently got busted for ‘openly’ smoking weed in Boulder, Colorado (which is as astonishing as drinking in Massachusetts, eh Jesus?) while on parole for drunkenly beating up his buddy with a barstool. Anyway, here’s the  mug shot, fresh with new tats for the occasion.

Feb 17: Charlie Sheen, “I Ain’t Gonna Go To Rehab, no, no, no”

In news that has nothing to do with tattoos, seems that while his wife, Brooke Mueller, went to rehab for an addiction to crack cocaine, the rest of the world was hinting Charlie should follow her lead and check himself in for his alcoholism. Basically, he said screw that noise, despite admitting to having a drinking problem in the past. And despite having a sober coach with him on Christmas Eve, just before roasting his chestnuts on an open, booze fueled fire and then getting arrested for going at Brooke. This denial proves once and for all the old adage that, “You can lead a ho to alcohol but you can’t make him think.”

Brooke Mueller from D-Listed

Feb 19: Dita Von Teese Wants You To Join Her In A Drink

Stripper Dita Von Teese found a way to get her ex-husband Marilyn Manson out of Evan Rachel’s Woods: Bathe in gin. Unfortunately, Evan is hotter, so the gin’ll only work if Manson drinks the whole, giant glass and he’d only do that if it wasn’t tainted by Von Teese’s huge, giant Dita. Plus, even if he did, he’d be too drunk to do anything with anyone anyway.

(Click On Image For Wallpaper Size)

Feb 18: Pete Doherty Must’ve Drank The Whole Von Tini

Petey came of a Camden Club called Koko looking like Kaka. If a  picture’s worth a thousand words, a collage has gotta be worth a bajillion, right?

Feb 18: Lindsay Apologizes To Me

After last week’s thrashing about abusing alcohol by throwing vodka at her gal-pal Sam Ronson, Lindsay tried to sneak her way back into my good graces. This time, she decided to blow off a DUI hearing in Beverly Hills so she could party in London. Here’s a shot of her coming out of a London club at 4:30am, the morning of her trial. Say what you will, she looks one hell of a lot better than Pete Doherty.

In fact, Lohan didn’t have to be in court, her lawyer’s got her BAC. Her presence was optional because she’s been attending alcohol education classes, as scheduled. See that picture up there? That’s her leaving an all night cramming session.

Feb 17: Emma Roberts Drinks Legally—At 19

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Emma Roberts: The Doors – Wild Child

Speaking of going to London to get out from under the law… Emma Roberts showed rich kids how they can get their drink on at 19: Go to Europe where the drinking age is 18.

Emma Drinking Gin & Tonics

Here’s Emma Roberts exposéd:

Feb 21: Fallen Hero

A guy from Heroes named Adrian Pasdar (who played a guy named Nathan Petrelli) was officially charged for drunk driving after being busted for doing 90 on the freeway on January 27. Yeah, i care as little as you do, but at least it gives me an excuse to exposé Hayden Panettiere.

Click On Image For Wallpaper Size

Finally, why the song about Tattoos at the beginning? ‘Cause Hayden wins The Bar None’s irony award this week. Here’s her tattoo:

It reads: Vivere senza rimipianti.

It means: Live without regrets [in Italian].

It’s ironic: One wonders if she lives without regretting the spelling mistake. There’s an extra “i” in “rimpianti”.

10 Attributes Of A Good Bartender (A Top 10 Lips)

It’s me, your tender bartender here at The Bar None with another list of tips & changes.

What sets a good bartender apart from someone who just pours beer into your glass? Like i have a clue. i’m a better drink drinker than drink maker.

Still, i know what kind of bartender i’m trying to be here and i wrote them down because, well because i wouldn’t be able to remember my own name if i hadn’t had it tattooed upside down on my gut.

Having written it down, i figured i’d share it with y’all, fellow members of the D-Generation.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to bartenders everywhere…

Bob Margolin – Blues For Bartenders

A Good Bartender is:

1. Attractive

2. Compassionate / Understanding

3a. Discerning (when deciding to cut you off)

3b. Diplomatic (when they cut you off)

4. Friendly

5. Skilled

Click On Image For A Large

6. Generous

7. Funny

8. Good Listener / Good Talker

9. Nonjudgmental

10. Forgetful (which makes it easier to stay friends)

Here’s a bonus round for the regulars…

Click To Make It Grow

A Famous GUY Let Me Interview Him! Booze Talkin’ With Kevin Renick

Click On The Image To See The YouTube Video

The Coolest Guy i’ve Never Met

From the juiced-box (and a song i even paid (a buck!) for): Kevin Renick – Close To Something Beautiful

[Press ‘Play’ to be serenaded]

Y’all remember i posted a Booze Revooze of Up In The Air, right? Well, at the end of the review i talked about Kevin Renick, an unemployed guy who decided to turn his misfortune into a sign by devoting his life full-time to his dream of being a singer/songwriter. He gave a cassette tape of the song “Up In The Air” to director Jason Reitman, who included the song as it was originally recorded at the end credits of the movie.

Not only did Kevin not yell at me for stealing the song and posting it in the end credits of my review, he even linked this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker on his website: How cool is that! So, obviously, i hit him up for an interview, to which he graciously obliged, and what follows is one hell of an interview (if i don’t screw it up!). He is a genuinely cool guy and i’ve had a great time hanging out with him in The Bar None.

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SHERLOCK HOLMES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Dropkick Murphys – Rocky Road To Dublin

[The version posted here is punk, i couldn’t find the original that played during the end credits, which was by a group called The Dubliners.]

Ramblings: Sherlock Homely

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink in strip clubs ? The action is good, the show is nice and the talent is there. You get a few drinks in you, you get a couple lap daces, you get your money’s worth of entertainment but then you gotta take a leak and in walkin’ back to the bathroom you see it out of the corner of your eyes, you feel it. Once you get away from the show you there’s nothing but shadow and smoke: shadows under the curled edges of the tattered carpets and the stale smoke of other strangers’ cigarettes. ‘Cause at these kind of clubs, they do all right with the show but they ignore the little things that make it real. That’s what Sherlock Holmes is like.

Any movie with Robert Downey Jr can never be a total waste. He was born, bred and is now the Mayor of Cool Town. Unfortunately Guy Ritchie hamstrung him by getting sloppy in the little scenes, those little segments that move the story along. We also get a Rachel McAdams who’s a little flat, and i’m not talking about her bodice size. Jude Law comes away from this whole thing looking pretty good, though, which made me feel all that worse for Bobby. It’s like Guy told Downey Jr to leave his trademark dry wit in the 20th century when coming to make this movie. Oh yeah, ’cause i didn’t tell you but this movie is set around 1870 and you know how much period pieces make me burp barf up my nose a little.

Strangely enough, though, the look was the best thing about the film. Shots of the Tower of London under construction, St Paul’s titty looming grey in front of a blue metal sky, the wet cobblestone and costumes gave the film a cool sheen. And the action scenes were well-handled, as were those times when Holmes recites an entire person’s life after just seeing them for 5 minutes. Nah, my problem wasn’t with the big stuff.

Another minor thing i’m gonna rant about, though, is the ending. It’s one of those endings that look like a puzzle piece, and not a smooth edge piece, either. The ending was like a piece with a round jobby sticking way out and you can tell just by looking at it exactly what the next piece will look like. And then you relaize the puzzle isn’t really worth finishing because the picture isn’t all that good anyway. The only thing missing from the ending here was a huge lit up orange highway sign that flashed, CAUTION: SEQUEL over and over again.

Like i keep saying, Ritchie overlooked what Holmes never would have: the little things.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

So i wasn’t too impressed with Rachel McAdams (31) performance as Irene Adler. Ritchie didn’t help things any by only giving her one small shot at a flash while she was changing, but then ruined it with Framing Titty Blocking, by severing her chest with the bottom of the screen. [Al K Hallism: “Titty Blocking” is when an actress is topless but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques.]

Still, i invented a drinking game with Rachel McAdams’ moles.

The Rachel McAdams Drinking Game


  1. Whenever you see Mole #1, drink a sip of beer
  2. Whenever you see both Moles #1 & #2, take a gulp of beer
  3. Whenever you see Mole #3, drink a shot of your favorite hard aclohol
  4. Whenever you see  Moles #1, #2 and #3 together, drink a shot and a beer chaser

For those who want to see the above picture without all the #s…

Here are the rest of the shots:

Rachel McAdams At The Bar None

Playing the role of Mary Morstan, Watson’s fiancée, is Kelly Reilly (32).

There was a Silken Butterfly flitting oh so sweetly yet briefly across the screen at the beginning. This is Amanda Grace Johnson (22), who is the Young Woman Sacrifice.

For those of you who prefer Towers to Domes here’s Robert Downey Jr (who’s fit as hell for 44).

Robert Downey Jr At The Bar None

And this is Jude Law, who still knows how to party at 37.

Jude Law After The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

While alcohol didn’t play a big part in the plot, there were quite a few alcohol scenes:

  • Holmes gets wine thrown at him after he debriefs Mary during a restaurant dinner with her and Watson
  • Holmes hits from a spectator’s flask during the boxing match (where we see how truly fit the shirtless (and now sober) Downey Jr really is)
  • After he wins the match he grabs a wine bottle from a rack and pulls out the cork with his teeth
  • Holmes drinks laced Margaux 1858 with Irene
  • Holmes and the captain are drunk on wine while steaming down the Thames
  • Holmes takes a drink of something hallucinogenic while performing a satanic ritual
  • Lord Coward (Hans Matheson) drinks whiskey neat

A Smoke

Rock & Roll:  1 Shot

Yeah, not surprisingly, Holmes didn’t rock out. There was a boner during the end credits, though, where Ritchie chose to place “The Rocky Road To Dublin” by the Dubliners. Yeah, English – Irish, it’s all the same thing, right?

Tell you what, though, i will give the movie and rock and roll shot for the well-shot action sequences.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Michael Robert Johnson, Anthony Peckham, Simon Kinberg (screenplay)

Lionel Wigram, Michael Robert Johnson (screen story)

Directed by: Guy Ritchie


Robert Downey Jr – Sherlock Holmes

Rachel McAdams – Irene Adler

Kelly Reilly – Mary Morstan

Amanda Grace Johnson – Young Woman Sacrifice

Jude Law – Dr John Watson

Bottom Line

See it, but only because Susan Downey (Robert’s wife that he went on the wagon for) was one of the producers and she was good for Robert. Anything that’s good for someone who was good for Robert is gonna be good for you, too.