Eat A Peaches

[Before you get underway, i owe an apology to Rodney of Fernby films. This guy was nice enough to suscribe to my posts, friend me on Facebook and give me a nice link on his Blogroll page (scroll down on the right sidebar to see my smiling mug). To thank him, i linked the wrong address in my post. Sorry, brother! For those of you interested in a great movie review page, check out: http://www.fernbyfilms.com/.]

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Peaches Geldof: The Allman Brother’s Band – Melissa

[Press ‘Play’ for Sweet Melissa and a free drink to the first person (other than Miss Demeanor) who can find the link between the song and the post.]

As i previewed on my Facebook page [and a special shout out to Rodney who braved banishment by his buds by becoming one of my only friends—he’s courageous enough, aren’t you?] i want to pour you a drink and talk about Peaches Geldof.

Daughter of a Knight (her father Bob is Sir Bob Geldof), lingerie model and 24-hour party person, Peaches Geldof made the news last weekend when “one-night can’t stand” photos made their way onto the Net along with a heroin fueled sexcapade recounted by some guy who will never become a Knight.

The reason all this has made it’s way into The Bar None was this statement by her lawyers:

The allegations that our client was carrying and injecting heroin are denied, our client having consumed alcohol with the other individual leading to the ‘highs’ described and portrayed in the photographs. The evident unreliability of the source emerges from the also fictitious description of their trip to a Scientology center . . . Nobody who is not a member of that organization is permitted into such buildings.

Did you catch that? “…our client having consumed alcohol with the other individual leading to the ‘highs’ described and portrayed in the photographs.” This, Beerthers and Schlitzsters, is the Booze Defense. And i believe her. And not just because i want to; i also have proof.

Check Out The Floor, Peeps

Two Fisted

Peaches At The Bar None---Looks More like Booze Bloat Than Heroin Chic To Me

The bottom line to all this is: Alcohol has led all of us into nights we’d like to take back. Fortunately, only very few amongst us have lost our lingerie modelling contracts over it, and isn’t that the most important?

There’s nothing but pictures after this, babes. Whatever you do, don’t feel obligated to scroll through them.

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The Downside Of Up

My fellow alcoholics,

Here’s what i like about binge drinking: My cells dance. i don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a medical thing that only alcoholics feel but i swear to god, when i’m drunk i can feel the booze fill each cell in my body like a disco globe. My atoms croon arias, my molecules sing solos, my bones whistle ballads, my skin purrs, my brain hums, my body composes albums as sweet as any wine. It’s a feeling i get from nothing else in life. i’m not saying it’s better, but it is absolutely unique. Because it’s a feeling that nothing else can imitate, those same cells and bones and brain crave the feeling when it’s absent too long.

Here’s what i don’t like about binge drinking: Everything else. The physical hangover the next day, the mental melancholy linked to the depressives inherent in alcohol, the spiritual sadness of acting like an idiot in front of my kids, my friends, my finacée… and this feeling lasts a lot longer than the buzz. The hardest part is living with myself for days afterwards. And—unfortunately for Miss Demeanor—living with me for days afterwards.

Six hours of extreme pleasure and three days (72 hours) of depression… The guy writing this would prefer to forgo the shit backing up into my brains, but the guy who drank last Saturday can’t imagine never feeling that way again. And that, members of Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited (D.R.I.N.K.E.R.) and fellow delegates of the D-Generation (Drinking Generation) is the downside of up.

If you checked out my Twitter page before stopping by The Bar None, you saw that last Saturday got a little out of hand. The photo that heads this post is of my son in my neighbor’s improv studio recording a song he wrote. The session went something like this:

  • Shopping with Miss D and my daughter, i bought a bottle of Peruvian Llama wine (like i could make that up) and a bottle of Smirnoff Ice because it’s only 5% alcohol and i know me; i’m gonna want to drink more after only one bottle of wine so something not too strong is the safest bet.
  • We (my son, Miss D and i) went down to the neighbors—i took the wine.
  • They had some leftover Bordeaux that i had half a glass of after finishing the Llama wine.
  • i went back for the fifth of Smirnoff Ice.
  • After i finished that, i went back to the store. This was my fatal mistake. Usually, i’m too lazy to go out and buy more after drinking this much but i was motivated by those dancing cells i mentioned above; they were screaming in my ears about how great they felt and they wanted to feel even better and feel that way forever. Here’s some free advice for y’all: ignore that cell call if you can.
  • i bought three bottles of wine at the store, a red and two white, because the neighbor likes red and his wife likes white. i opened both and gave them each a couple glasses before i finished off both bottles.
  • i remember nothing after that until i woke up in my clothes, in my bed (thank god), the next day.

So yeah, not much to be proud of and what i’ve been struggling to get over for the last two days. Wish me luck. i’m down, but not for the count.

For those of you who’ve made it this far, i posted a video on my Facebook page [Friend Me! i have practically NO friends!] of Peaches Geldof sharing her thoughts about me and The Bar None. Enjoy…

Dregs Of the Weeks: March 01 – March 21

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Three weeks of dregs building up and i’m getting beer balls. It’s getting a little thick in The Bar None, let me tell you. Hanging out in the bottom of this barrel of fun, we got a Warrant warrant, a home wrecker who takes “I’m coming” literally, a guy too drunk for his DUI trial, a Flales Wanker, Canadian shots, a Canadian spread, vintage Lohan getting Ricci, “Twit-light” Pattinson lit up and oh so much more…

From the juiced-box and in honor of Jani “It’s My Name I’m Really A Guy” Lane’s appearance in the Celebrity Dregs, i give you: Warrant – Cherry Pie

[Press ‘Play’ To Try The Pie]

March 15: Could Be Worse, You Could Be The Husband Saw the above screen shot and it made me think of y’all. My question is, why does she have the Jail number blocked?

March 12: i’d Want To Be Drunk, Too

Speaking of Multiple Car Accidents… Jason Botos, this 30-year-old in Nebraska, was driving while soberly challenged last September. Apparently his car jumped a curb and hit 5 cars (and here i am wondering what the hell the cars were doing on the sidewalk to begin with). Anyway, his sentencing was a couple weeks ago and he was soberly challenged again and who can blame him? For sure i’m gonna get me some liquid clemency before i go up in front of the judge. Botos’ dad drove him to the courthouse and had to find some cops to help him get Jason out of the car ’cause that’s how drunk the dude was. He was arrested in the parking lot ’cause he couldn’t walk to the pokey and clocked in at 0.43% on the BAC test—this week’s high. Some days you just don’t ever want to wake up sober again.

Mug Shot - Jason Botos

March 10: An Honest Drunk

If your name is Slaughter, you pro’lly don’t want to drive drunk. And if you do, you probably don’t want to swerve back and forth between the lanes and cross the yellow line next to the median. On an interstate. While going 20 mph. Tommy W Slaughter did and, because he was hammered, he got nailed. Another tip no matter what your name is: it looks bad when, after the cops pull you over, you forget to put the car in park before you get out of the vehicle and it starts to roll away. All of this and more happened to Tommy W Slaughter (57) who was surprised to be stopped by Tennessee police—surprised because he thought he was in Virginia. When the officers asked him how much he’d had to drink, he said, “Too much. I’m drunk. Do what you gotta do.” So the police asked him to take a field sobriety test. “I”m drunk,” was all he said. A breath test? “I’m drunk.” What about a blood test? “I’m drunk.” Apparently the law finally believed him because they busted him for DUI and “violation of implied consent” (which is a charge i’m gonna start imposing on babes in the bar who reject me). Oh yeah, the corker? This was his tenth offense. Babe, if at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again—while you wait for a cab.

Mug Shot - Tommy W Slaughter

March 2: A Flales Wanker—uhm, Wales Flanker—Gets What’s Coming

BTW, ’cause i know you’re dying to know, the “Flales Wanker/Wales Flanker” thing is called a Spoonerism. Swear to god, look it up.

This Welsh rugby guy was also busted for driving slow on a “motorway slip road”. It’s hard enough driving on the wrong side of the road like they do over there, but to do it while drunk? And in a golf cart? On something called a “motorway slip road” when no one even knows what the hell that is? Madness, i tell you, sheer madness. The rugby guy got his license suspended for 15 months, was  fined £1000 and was booted from the team. There’s only one kind of driving you should be doing with a golf cart, and it involves your wood and your balls.

Mug Shot - Andy Powell

March 2: “This Is Where I Get Off”

Speaking of driving and wood and balls, this guy in Lewiston, Idaho was driving when he decided to go all the way with the car…and the passenger. They were “participating in sexual activity” while he drove and i’m betting it involved trying to start his engine because when i drink it always takes my motor a few extra minutes to warm up. Regardless, all this was going on when he got off—the road. And crashed into a house, causing $50,000 damage to some couple’s kitchen. Man, talk about home wreckers…

March 11: Magic Bus

(Press ‘Play’ to get on The Magic Bus )

After Tommy Slaughter, now we got a babe with a roller derby name… Betty Burden. i’m pretty sure she was named after a Rolling Stone’s hit off of Some Girls. Whatever, Betty (54) got caught driving drunk on the job (her coworkers turned her in). Only problem is, Betty’s job is driving a school bus and when the Transportation Coordinator got on at her first stop, she was transporting a full load of elementary school kids. He didn’t smell booze on her breath but followed behind her with the cops, who eventually did pull her over, after she’d dropped off 50 of her charges. She blew 0.230% at the scene and 0.226% back at the station (click here for the BAC explained). She admitted to pounding a few screwdrivers and so was screwed: suspended without pay and arrested for DUI on a $10,000 bond.

Mug Shot - Betty Burden

March 10: The Naked Truth

‘Member Julie Laack from the Stripper Dregs i posted back in mid January? Well, her story was better than Irving Howard’s. Perv-ing took off to the bar barefoot and when he got called on it, he took off all his clothes and ran into the Ladies’ Room, pro’lly ’cause he’s a pussy. When the cops called him out, he screamed and ran out fists clenched, only to get tased. Twice. This explains the look on his face and his naked self in the mug shot…

Mug Shot - Irving Howard

March 24: $3.37 For A Beer?

Forget that Denis Danny Roberge (19) got busted stealing a beer and that he now has to go back to the clink for 60 days because he’s a repeat repeat offender. The thing that freaked me out was the beer cost $3.37! Even if you consider it’s Canadian dollars, that’s still a lot in real money… Aren’t 40’s a buck twenty or something? He must’ve chosen the good stuff because he was shoplifting to celebrate being released from jail, after 8 months served for theft.

March 19: More Canadian Silliness

Apparently some kid named Barack Obama read my Booze Revooze of Invictus after he got his ass elected President of the United States of America [and instantly there are so many CIA/FBI/INTERPOL/and other initials i can’t even spell cyber spies swarming onto this post that there’s an IT vacuum created over all of China]. Anyway, he saw how Morgan Freeman (pretending to be Nelson Mandela) won a booze bet with the President (or whatever) of New Zealand. Obama bet a case of beer on the US/Canada Olympic Hockey Game and lost when the U.S. team choked in overtime. In a very presidential move, Obama paid his DUIOU by sending a case of Molsons and a case of Yuengling, the ‘Bama’s favorite brew. The Canadians, being Canadian, promised to put it in the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto. No, i’m not kidding.

"Drink It? HELL No! This Is Good For The Museum!"

Here are some Canadian chicks who weren’t afraid to drink the ‘water’:

Celebrity Dregs

March 5: Lindsay “Miss The Beat” Lohan

i’m back to lovin’ Lindsay again. Linds was in London at the beginning of the month and was a celebrity DJ in some club. But only for a minute. Seems she was so bad that it was embarrassing and, according to the party revealers, she constantly had a drink in her hand and was a “total drunken, incoherent mess.” Nice to have you back on the good side of The Bar None, babe.

March 09: Christina Ricci Drunk

In news so related it’s incestuous, Slohan showed up at the scene (a fashion week after-party in Paris) of another Crime Against Humanity. Before you pass judgement, check out the Crime Scene Photo-Collage:

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Why am i serving up drunken shots of Christina Ricci? OK, apart from the obvious reasons… Because Linds was there (see why she’s back in my good graces?), aids-ing and a-bedding like the best of accomplices. Here’s the proof:

So what do you think? Does Lohan feel guilty about Ricci’s loss of innocence? The jury may be out, but not nearly as much as Ricci Rich.

Speaking of her large assets, here’s a collage of Christina Ricci. There’ll be some individual shots hiding at the bottom, in my drawers.

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One final thing about Ricci because i’m drunk enough i can’t let this pass… If you’re reading this it means you know me by know (and if you don’t know me now, you will never never never know me, oooh ooh ooh) which means you know i’m more a fan of AAAs than D’s and i’m not talking about batteries. Point being, while Ricci is not my type, i love the huge mole she’s got in her cleavage because it’s kinda like the Holy Grail: once you got your hands on it, your quest has ended. But then she had to go and ruin it all but TATTOOING her tit! Auugghh!

There is no madness equal to the insanity of tattooing or piercing a female breast. The Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, gave us humans the embodiment of the ideal, of heaven here on this earth in the form of the female breast and some infidels tamper with this breast-loved symbol, thinking they can improve on perfection. Yet in doing so, they debase it. They make it mundane. Sorry to wax so poetic on y’all, but talkig about hooters hits me where i live. Check it out and tell me i’m wrong.

March 18: Twi-Light Weight

While i’m on drunk stars, Rob Pattinson got drunk. Seriously, why does it seem i’m the only one surprised by this? If i were him, i’d be drunk, like, all the freaking time.

And to think Lindsay Lohan was nowhere to be found…  Here’s a collage of the decadence for y’all::

i don’t mean to freak you out, but i’m gonna continue to maintain that Pattinson is a solid singer. In my defense, i offer offer up Exhibit A: Rob Pattinson – Never Think.

March 3: Warrant Warrant

Goes something like this. On May 18, 2009, ex-Warrant frontman goes on TV to talk about how he’s all clean and sober.

“It’s just a matter of deciding you’re done, in my opinion. I mean, that probably oversimplifies it, but really, really and truly you have to go, ‘You know what? I’m done with this. I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t like living like this.’ And it’s also nice to get the creativity back, which is impossible to flow when you’re unconscious.” [From Blabbermouth]

Then, on June 17, 2009, Jani got in a fender bender and turned out the boy was drunk, which got him arrested for DUI. Guess he did oversimplify after all. His trial was originally set for February 23, 2010 but Jani had other plans. He also stood up the judge on the makeup date, February 24th. Two no-shows for the showman who won’t show up meant a warrant for his arrest was issued at the beginning of the month.

Jani Lane Mug Shot

March 17: For Kiefer Sutherland, Every Day Is St Patrick’s Day

Here’s a shot of Kiefer and a bottle of whiskey, wishing all of us a happy St Pat’s.

Here’s a shot of Kiefer as a bottle of whiskey from last October, wishing us a happy St Pat’s.

March 17: In The Buffy

Nicholas Brendon, who played “Geek Assistant #1” (or something) in the TV series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, got his ass slayed on St Patrick’s. Someone called in a drunk guy causing much ruckus in Venice Beach and the Buffy Slayers showed up and, after Brendon took a swing at them and ran away, the cops tased Brendon, twice. i don’t know about vampires, but you slay me, bro.

Nicholas Brendon Mug Shot

The good news about this is that it gives me a good (enough) excuse to exposé Sarah Michelle Gellar.

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Sarah Michelle Gellar in The Bar None

Like Christina Ricci, there’re more hot shots in my drawers, down below.

My Drawers

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci In The Bar None

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Bonus Shot

Sarah Michelle Gellar Kissing Selma Blair

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With OLGA FEDORI

Photo by Lev Gorn

[AlKHallism: As Olga’s agent doesn’t have a website, i’ve linked all her pictures to her MySpace and IMDB pages.]

From the juiced-box, what Olga listens to when she has to wake up at 4:30am, and a song that fits her to a T: Alicia Keys – Superwoman

Photo by Laura Hart

It seems like only 36 days ago (’cause it was) that i Booze Revoozed The Wolfmanand if y’all remember, i enjoyed the movie but… Which is kind of like, “i love you, but…”.

So there are faults to be found in The Wolfman but… there was one feature of the film that was fully flawless: the fantastic Ms Fedori. This young actress showed up in the Silken Butterfly section of the Booze Revooze (linked above) and though her role of the gypsy daughter of an elderly medium was fleeting, she made a lasting impression.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of CHLOE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers – Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They’re cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they’re attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they’re gonna be for you. It’s in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it’s all about you until you realize it’s not, it’s always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That’s when you realize they’re not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Imagine you’re a woman. You think your husband’s cheating on you and you find a suspicious message on his phone and he’s very elusive and is a total flirt. Do you confront him? Of course not. You hire a prostitute to flirt with him and see if he takes the bait. Yeah, the whole movie was pretty much this kind of ridiculous. Maybe because it was based on a French film.

On the bright side, it had Julianne Moore who is a cool man’s Meryl Streep. Even if  her part is lame, she’s able to make it walk and often make it sing. The rest of the movie, as Miss Demeanor says, is pretty much intellectual pornography. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, just don’t hope for anything more. Like i said, Chloe is a flirt that shows you enough skin to get you interested but in the end only cares about being liked.

Let Me Give You A Hand With That

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

If the movie is thinker’s porn, then you gotta expect some action here and Chloe delivers. Finally a movie that doesn’t shy away from a little nudity.

Get there in time for the opening credits, when we get Amanda Seyfried dressing in front of this antique mirror. Chloe looked good on Amanda, as Chloe spends a lot of time naked and near-naked. We also get a girl-on-girl kiss between Chloe and Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore), before Chloe and Catherine go all the way. There’s a shot of her and her butt in a mirror, wait let me find it, there it is, and a lot of side boob.

Maybe too much side boob. The only time we get to see her full-on nipple is in a shot without her face, which makes Miss D and me suspect that Amanda had a body double. It made us wonder if there isn’t something wrong with her boobs, that she wouldn’t be shy to show the side but shied away from full frontal, you know?

Here’s something i like. Her mouth. She has the coolest mouth and i have my fingers crossed those lips are the real thing because kissing plastic is like licking a condom. If her mouth is authentic, her lips are full and plump as cupid’s ass. One of the things that got up Miss D’s nose was all the close-ups, but i didn’t mind ’em so much because it meant i got to stare at my share of the lusciousness. Here’s a shot of that mouth, so  you can judge for yourselves.

For the rest of the shots, i’ve decided to follow Miss D’s advice and just stick a collage here. If you’re looking for full shots, i’ll serve those up at the bottom of the post so they don’t get in the way of the wit. Gotta always be thinking about the wit. Amanda Seyfried (24):

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Like i said, i’ll post the individual shots of her at the bottom of this puppy.

There was also Julianne Moore (still smoking at 49!) as Catherine Stewart. Ahhh, Julianne Moore. Talented, beautiful and naked. In one scene we get to see her body as she gets off in the shower while fantasizing about Chloe giving her husband a handjob in a greenhouse. She’s also topless while doing the deed with Amanda toward the end of the movie. This is another moment when you’re happy the director decide to overdo close-ups.

There’s another thing i love about Julianne apart from her body and acting and her acting with her body: her freckles. Her freckles are constellations splashed across milky skin, holding the secrets of my future and my past upon which i gaze to find romance.

As if that weren’t enough, we also get a near nip slip when she wakes up in her wife-beater pajamas, that she then walks around in braless. Finally, a real woman who sleeps without a bra. (If you haven’t read my rant about movies with women who sleep wearing bras, then this won’t make much sense.)

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You’ll find her indie shots at the bottom of the post. For other pictures in other Booze Revooze, click here.

Silken Butterflies

Kicking off those young starlettes whose brief appearances left me thirsty for more we have Nina Dobrev (21) who plays the son’s (Michael Stewart, played by Max Thieriot) girlfriend. Your heart will skip a beat as she runs down the hall, hoping to hide from Mike’s mom.

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If you want another round, there are more Nina pictures at the end of this.

No less charming was Meghan Heffern (26). This hottie played Miranda, the student who flirts with her professor, David Stewart (Liam Neeson). Makes me want to be a college teacher.

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You’ll find more of her at the bottom…

There also was Tiffany Lyndall-Knight, who played Trina. “Trina” is scribbled in my notes but i have no idea who she was in the movie. Still, i sure as hell remember how good the Knight was.

Speaking of co-eds, Krysta Carter (24) plays “Young Co-Ed”. Mmmmmm, young co-ed. Krysta, babe, i’ve got my fingers crossed that we see a lot more of you in the future…

For those of you who prefer stalks to stalkers, i have Liam Neeson (47). He was a little flat as David Syewart, but you gotta cut him some slack because his wife died while he was filming Chloe. She had her ski accident and he had to leave the set to be with her, and after she tragically died, his role was rewritten to give him less screen time. He came back for two days to finish the filming.

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A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

So yeah, there wasn’t tons of booze but enough references and the fact they said what they were drinking was nice. Also i got to learn about a wine that was new to me: Maybach. Apparently car people know it ’cause it’s a famous kind of Mercedes, but the family also owns a vineyard in the Napa valley. It’ll cost you $55 – $300 bones. This explains why it was new to me. What do you expect from the Mercedes family?

  • Champagne at the surprise birthday party
  • Scotch [Glenfiddich] for birthday
  • [David] flirts with waitress by asking her what she drinks—it’s Maybach wine
  • [The girls drink] Chardonnay in the whore bar
  • [David] drinks the scotch [Catherine] got him
  • Wine in the café when [Chloe] tells [Catherine] how she gave [David] a handjob
  • Cognac in the café with her husband

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

The movie was made in Toronto and so there were the Canadian Silken Butterflies (Krysta and Tiffany are from Toronto, Meghan is from Edmonton) and a lot of Canadian Indie music as well. The Great Lake Swimmers are Torontonian and the film’s “central group”, Raised By Swans, are Londoners—the one in Ontario.

i call Raised By Swans the “central group” because Chloe gives Michael one of their CD’s, he tries to learn a song of theirs, their song “We Were Never Young” is playing in the whore bar when Catherine and Chloe meet, and “Longer Shadows, Shorter Days” is what Michael’s listening to when his mom comes home.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Raised By Swans – We Were Never Young

It’s not rock & roll, but it’s not bad for what it is.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anne Fontaine (motion picture Nathalie)

Erin Cressida Wilson (screenplay)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan

Starring

Julianne Moore – Catherine Stewart

Amanda Seyfried – Chloe

Nina Dobrev – Anna

Meghan Heffern – Miranda

Tiffany Lyndall-Knight – Trina

Liam Neeson – David Stewart

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. Wait for the DVD and watch it in the privacy of your own home with a twelve-pack and a fresh bottle of lotion.

Bonus Rounds

Amanda Seyfried

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore In The Bar None

Nina Dobrev

Meghan Heffern

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble – Overture Delle Donne

[Press ‘Play’ for the “La La” song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein

Final Proof: 1½ Shots You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ‘ Cause i sure as hell don’t. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It’s more like…

You know how you get drunk with a momma’s boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He’s a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he’s a rich and famous tortured soul but he’s too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of  that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the time i had yours? Y’all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then—did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?—the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can’t even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by “talent” i don’t mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don’t mean a 75-year-old crooning about “Folies Berger” in far too revealing attire for a “handsome” woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Miss Demeanor suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y’all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text. But i’m all about the “Both/And” (screw “Either/Or”) so what i decided was to post the collages here and set up a separate post with the indie shots. Click here to access the pic post of The Girls From Nine.

Alls i want to say is i can’t believe they didn’t have nudity in Italy in the 60’s, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, “Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not. Who’s not afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not.” And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the songs were. To make it worse, she sings about how she’s naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it’s not bad but it’s not better than nothing.

Penelope Cruz – A Call From The Vatican 

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Fergie’s (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Fergie – Be Italian

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Let’s talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She’s pretty pretty and she’s my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she’s missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i’m sure she’s all broken up about it, too. This doesn’t mean she’s not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here’s my supporting nod:

Marion Cotillard – My Husband Makes Movies

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Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i’m not gonna lie to you, i’ve been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It’s been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Kate Hudson – Cinema Italiano

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Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia’s the only one with gay-dar for Guido’s gayness, and i don’t mean happy or homo.  Here’s the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way – yes – you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death…
CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses – they fall in love with the man?
GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.
CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.
GUIDO: What?
CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.
Anyway, here’s a fine looking Nicole (42):

Nicole Kidman – Unusual Way

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And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who’s flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

Martina Stella In The Bar None

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the “Matron’s Daughter”. Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
  • Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs i posted here to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap after sacrificing my head space for y’all while putting this post together.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine—Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard – Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz – Carla

Fergie – Saraghina

Kate Hudson – Stephanie

Nicole Kidman – Claudia

Martina Stella – Donatella

Georgina Leonidas – Matron’s Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis – Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.

The Girls From NINE

If you’re looking for the Booze Revooze of Nine, it’s here.

If you’re looking for photo spreads of the girls in the movie, then you came to the right place.

Penélope Cruz

Penélope Cruz (35) plays Carla:

Penélope Cruz At The Bar None

Fergie

Fergie (35) plays Saraghina:

Fergie After The Bar None

Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard (34) plays Luisa Contini:

Marion Cotillard Near The Bar None

Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson (30) plays Stephanie:

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman (42) plays Claudia:

Nicole Doesn't Swallow

Nicole Kidman At The Bar None

Martina Stella

Let’s not forget the Silken Butterflies… Martina Stella (25) plays Donatella:

Martina Stella In The Bar None