Beer dregs this week, y’all. We got drunk German Protestants, a sword wielding mother, drunk monkeys, cures for alcoholism brewing, a smoking DWI, the Sheen family needing rehab from rehab, the Canadian hockey team’s beer on ice, drunk cops, Playmate butt cleavage, the girls of Lost and kegs more fun…
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Margot Kaessmann: Joe Raphael & Die Party Singers – Biertrinkers Lieblingsmelodien
[Press ‘Play’ to kick off a FebFest]
Don’t you hate it when you’re in elementary school and your mom gets drunk and threatens to cut people as she runs through your school’s corridors waving a sword? A second grader in Memphis sure does. Some little girl spit on our little girl, so our girl’s mom went to the school to exact revenge after pounding a 40 oz Colt 45. Coulda been worse, 32-year-old Toni price could’ve been packing a Colt instead of just drinking one.
Speaking of stellar mothers… What do you do if your mom leaves you and your siblings alone to take off for the bar? You follow her. Sandy Bellanger’s (38) 14-year-old drove to the bar with his 4-year-old sister and 2-year-old brother in the car to beg their mom to come home. She refused. She told him to drive back home. The cops stopped him for driving erratically, and while they were interviewing him his mom pulled up with her ride (who was driving without a license, failed to appear on a previous DWI, and was carrying weed). Sandy was busted for being a bad mom (letting an unlicensed minor drive, improper supervision of a minor, and child endangerment) as well as having an open container in a motor vehicle. Sounds like a candidate for drug therapy…
Apparently, alcoholism is getting out of the gutter and swimming deep enough in the mainstream that drug labs are going to start milking us. i’m not gonna give you all the boring details (click the link if you care) but, in a shotglass, docs are screwing around with drugs that’ll dam our desire to drink, make us feel like swamp muck, or water down our withdrawal symptoms. i have a full bottle of Disulphiram, the drug that gives you an instant hangover while depriving you of the booze buzz, but i’ve never tried it: i seem to be functioning well-enough on love (for Miss Demeanor). My only remark is that there are two kinds of alcoholics, those physically addicted and those mentally addicted and a “cure all” sounds too easy. Plus, we have to want to give up the booze bad enough to pop the pills.
The picture below is home brewed. Click on it and it’ll take you to my drink recipe for Medesin.
Here’s a guy straight out of The Bar None. Richard Fodrie (34) took cops on a high speed chase, getting up to over 100 mph on the freeway, until he finally pulled over. Why didn’t Dick pull over in the first place? He told the cops it was because he knew he was going to jail and wanted to get one last smoke in.
Zhora, a Russian circus monkey, retired to a zoo. Proving once again that monkeys are our close cousins, after he fathered several monkey kids he started smoking and drinking beer. He got hooked and began bugging passers-by for a fix, much like an unemployed father on the street. Unlike a human suffering from the same problems, however, he was sent to a rehab facility and not jail. i’m not sure this was completely necessary, as experience has shown me all you need to do is spank the monkey from time to time.
Not as exciting as you might think. Dayton, Ohio cops volunteered to get drunk so their fellow officers could practice breathalyzers and field sobriety tests. One of the few times a hangover counts as a work related accident.
After the Canadian Women’s Hockey team spanked America’s lard ass, they did what comes naturally, take the party onto the ice.
The IOC got their collective panties in a wad but i don’t really see why. C’mon, peeps, we’re talking about a country who got their national symbol off a beer bottle…
“Pop Bishop”, 51-year-old Margot Kaessmann, head of Germany’s 25 million protestants was pulled over for drunk driving after running a red light. She clocked in at more than 3 times the legal limit which puts her at over 0.24% (click here to get the details about BAC). Holier than no one, the ‘high’ priestess resigned.
The upside to all this is it gives me an excuse to exposé German girls.
Exclusive Scoop! Rehab centers in Cali celebrate the opening of the Sheen Revolving Doors, funded by Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.
‘Member how in last week’s dregs i talked about how Charlie wasn’t gonna go to rehab, no no no? Well, it appears my article made him see the error of his ways because he decided to get drunk despite the risk of returning to court. Then he decided to go to rehab. It was a crazy week in the Sheen household, and TMZ was right there with them.
- Feb 22: Brooke Mueller bails from her rehab.
- Feb 22: Brooke Mueller checks into a new rehab.
- Feb 23 (pro’lly): Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon so hard he breaks his parole.
- Feb 24: Charlie Sheen checks into rehab.
God, these repeat stories exhaust me.
Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by The Sun and talked about booze enough to get a mention in the Dregs for a record of something like the third week running. Here’s what she had to say about alcohol:
I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s**t in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful.
Some chick named Vicki Gunvalson from some show called The Real Housewives of Orange County got drunk and did a nasty. This 47-year-old married mother of two spent a night getting wasted and making out with a 25-year-old college kid.
Some ex-Playboy bunny named Nicole “CoCo” Austin got this picture stripped from her MySpace page:
She seems to think it was because of the ass cleavage, i’m betting it’s because the photo includes an alcoholic drink. (Bet y’all didn’t see that unless you’re a woman or like musicals.) i’m gonna exposé CoCo here, but i just want to say i don’t get what the draw is. OK, sure there’s the natural gravitational draw of her massive globes, but are they really that sexy? Seriously? It’s like she’s got two heads growing out of her chest, for chrissakes. While they must be practical in a car accident, where does she put them when she eats? Nope, totally un-sexy. Give me a lovely lady with curves, not hemispheres, any day.
Seems Dominic Monaghan (Charlie from Lost) got drunk at a club called Voyeur in LA and grabbed a girl. He got thrown out and tried to sweet talk his way back in, but the bouncer told him to get Lost. You can see the video of this on my Facebook Page (and Friend Me! Please friend me!) or at TMZ Video. The moral of the story is this, if the place is called “Voyeur”, touch with your eyes not your hands.
Which gives me a good enough reason to exposé the girls from Lost.
Evangeline Lilly (30)
Emilie de Ravin (28)
Elizabeth Mitchell (29)
Maggie Grace (26)
Girls Of Lost Collage
Selma Hayek as Bavarian Beer Girl