The bArCADEMY AwkWARDS: The Alkies

The Coveted Alkie

Good Evening, Labies and Sperms, and welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i Al K Hall, International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you almost alive to present tonight’s 1st Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. It’s nice to see so many of you still conscious after the open bar and just a reminder that if you need a refresher the barmaids are here to serve you.

Time for the monologue ’cause we’re all about the funny comedy here at the Rehab Center. So, how many drunks does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, ’cause drunks can’t screw anything! Why did the drunk piss on the electrical socket? ‘Cause he was drunk, stupid! How many chickens did it take to cross the road… Wait, WHY did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause a Wild Turkey was waiting on the other side! Yep, all about the funny humor here at the Rehab Center for the Autists.

Let’s get down to it, shall we? As you know but have certainly forgotten with your blackout selves, the bArCADEMY AwkWards will tonight be distributing Alkies for outstanding alcoholism in the motion picture industry. Here at the Bar None we’re only smart enough to judge movies booze revoozed during the calendar year so this evening is celebrating movies Booze Revoozed since this site’s inception until the end of 2009.

Let’s kick things off tonight with Best Drunk Actress In A Motion Picture. Presenting tonight’s Best Actress Alkie we have Lindsay Lohan, flown in directly from 90% of the rehab clinics and 100% of the STD clinics in California. Why did she go to the gynecologists? Because she heard they were giving away Pabst smears!

Angels and Brothers, LINDSAY LOHAN!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much…um…Al! I just want to say it’s an pronor and a hiveledge to pee here tonight, and that I really am 23. So, I have the horror to present the AwkWARD for the best drunken ‘ho in a motion picture and the Alkie goes to…cocaine, please…I mean envelope please:

Mary’s mom in Mary And Max!

Thank you Mary’s mom! And thank you Lindsay for the opportunity of seeing you upright! Moving right along, i’d now like to introduce you to the Patron Saint of The Bar None. Yes, Bothers and Cisterns, David Hasselhoff himself is here to present Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Why do you think it was he crawled around on the floor eating a hamburger while his under aged daughter videoed him? It’s because he was Way Hoff! Bar None regulars: DAVID HASSLEHOFF!

David Hasselhoff: Brrgjhzhb opeffp arpahre. Qzoeprfopb! Maojrfg bowx zaeoh. Werrfojb azerjotgbj ap, arzag Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Tbh wbnner zzzzzz: meye bigst fan und fello jermuhn Alexander Fehling fur Inglorious Basterds!

Alexander…what a guy! Man, i’d love to party with him. If he’s half as good drunk as he is sober playing drunk then he’s more fun than Keith Richards on a bottle of Jack. Speaking of Keith, we have the man himself here to present the Best Drinking Song From A Movie. What’s the best thing about Keith Richards sober? Who knows?

Here he is kids, Mr Keith Richards!

Keith Richards: Zzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzz, zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzzzz zzzzzz! Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzz zz… Zzzz. Zzz zzz, zz zzz Best Drinking Song From A Movie! Treat Her Right zzzzz “Rhythm and Booze” zzzz The Hangover zzzzzzzzzz! Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Press ‘Play’ for the big winner]

Huh? Thanks anyway, Keith. To wrap things up tonight, an extra special treat… Your favorite monkey and mine, Mel Gibbons is here to award the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Picture. Without further adon’t, MEL GIBSON!

Mel Gibson: Heil everyone! It’s so nice to be schlitz-faced in front of so many minorities and i hope all you losers will be fried in the Chair of St Peter. You don’t like it? Fine, I don’t like you, either. Screw you! But I’m here tonight as a normal redneck who likes normal redneck movies and to present the Alkie for the Best Alcoholic Motion Picture. The white envelope, please… And the winner is:

And there you go, my dears. That’s enough for tonight ’cause i’m drunk and tired and want to spend some time with Miss Demeanor. Drive safe, and if you can’t do that, don’t drive at all. We’ve got a fleet of limos on hand for you. Thanks for coming and, as like Cytherea always says, i hope you’ll come again.

Al K Hall evaporating… Thanks for patronizing The Bar None.