Work With It: Resumé Of A Functional Alcoholic On The Job

NOT from the juiced-box but appropriate for the post: Huey Lewis & The News – Workin’ For A Livin’

My Fellow Alcoholics,

Al K Hall, your International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe) addressing you, members of the Drinking Generation, concerning Functional Alcoholism in the office.

The subject popped up, not unlike my zipper during a Keira Knightley film festival, because of the Charlie Sheen drama that’s been floating around in the dregs these last couple weeks. (Like here, or here, or here.) Apparently he didn’t show up on the set for the filming of Two And A Half Men Monday or Tuesday last February 22 & 23—and the fact that he was absent on Monday wasn’t that unusual. This is how famous i wanna be, so famous that if i don’t show up for work for two days because of a binge, no one says anything.

Which means that, yes, i have a job other than maintaining this my humble Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker. Believe it or not, with the millions of dollars flooding in every day into The Bar None, i still have to hold down a day job. (After all, how much cover did you have to pay to get in here? Do you see any ads cluttering up the walls?)

i’ll have been working at the same company for 18 years come April 1st (no kidding). It’s not the best place for a guy who works at drinking hard, what with about 3 business lunches a week including all the wine i can drink plus a cocktail party every Friday evening with a fully stocked bar of beer, whiskey, vodka, gin and mixers.

My Experience

Not that my drinking has gone unnoticed. i’ll try to recap the highlights for you, but y’all gotta remember it’s been 18 years…

–> First couple of  years, i was just considered a guy who liked to live large

–> The powers that be laughed off my first few Friday night binges

–> After that, i started getting the rep of a guy who liked to unwind a little farther than the next employee; the first time the COO talked to me about my drinking, she told me she understood i needed to cut loose but i should remember not to cut loose too often or hard

–> One time i went to a post-lunch business meeting drunk and the clients were pissed off (and not in a good way)

–> About that same period, my boss called me into her office because the company’s employee representative told her i should be sent to rehab at the company’s expense; my boss and i both agreed my drinking wasn’t that extreme a problem

–> One day i finished work after lunch so drank a little more than usual during the meal; instead of going home i went to a corner bar, drank even more, then returned to the office, mistook one client for another and talked to him for five full minutes without realizing my error before my boss came and led me away

–> In recent months, my business lunches have been reduced to 1 a week

–> Friday night’s have been better because Miss Demeanor is here, i have the kids every weekend and i no longer associate with one of my associates who is also a permanent fixture at company functions

My Skills

Taking the chair in my own defense (simply because i’m too drunk to stand), let me say this:

–> My boss adored me for the first couple years; while i’ve since fallen out of flavor with her, she still admires my mad skills

–> In my entire life and three jobs, i’ve only called in sick because of a hangover once and that was 22 years ago

–> i am good at what i do; i’m in the top five of a 30+ team (that’s not boasting, just honesty)

–> i am very popular with a majority of the clients; in customer service questionnaires, i consistently receive rave reviews

–> i love my job and that counts. A lot.

My Education

The bottom line here is the same one i drew in my Bottomless Pitt post, where i analyzed relationships through the eyes of a functional alcoholic.

There comes a time when you have to make a decision and when even not deciding is making a decision. You have to decide what’s more important, your drinking or your job. If you choose the booze, then i hope you live long enough to find a career you can feel passionate about. If you choose your job then, like in any loving relationship, you have to make some sacrifices.

Here are some things that work for me and might work for you:

  1. i don’t drink on week nights if i have to wake up early the next day (my job has hours that are not flexible but change daily)
  2. i don’t keep any booze in the house and only buy what i’ll consume that night (laziness is stronger than my need to go out and buy more)
  3. i only buy my limit (my limit is a bottle of wine—if i drink just that i know i’ll be functional the next day)
  4. If i drink too much at lunch, i stay out of the boss’s way
  5. i don’t usually drink with coworkers (i drink at home: it’s cheaper, safer and less embarrassing)

Or you could be the kind of famous where they don’t care if you show up for work or not.

And that’s enough for tonight, i think i’ll retire for the evening.


This post is dedicated to Jabba da Butt, who left a comment on my bArCADEMY AwkWARDS post. He pointed out that, while he appreciated the hot girls i often escort into The Bar None, it’d been awhile since i last posted a sordid drinking blog for those of us in here struggling with alcohol.

And he was right. My Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker was meant to address my functional alcoholism with the hopes that there were people out there who would either appreciate and identify with my plight, or at least have a good time laughing at me if they didn’t.

So this one’s for you, members of the D-Generation and fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited). If you got something out of this post, you could always leave a comment sharing a moment with us when your drinking interfered with your work. Or you could simply say that this sincerity is more than self-serving (’cause i got a lot of practice at that) and that you do actually read these treatises.

Or you could tell me to shut up and post more babes. i’d understand that, too. 😉