Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble – Overture Delle Donne

[Press ‘Play’ for the “La La” song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein

Final Proof: 1½ Shots You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ‘ Cause i sure as hell don’t. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It’s more like…

You know how you get drunk with a momma’s boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He’s a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he’s a rich and famous tortured soul but he’s too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of  that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the time i had yours? Y’all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then—did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?—the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can’t even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by “talent” i don’t mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don’t mean a 75-year-old crooning about “Folies Berger” in far too revealing attire for a “handsome” woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Miss Demeanor suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y’all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text. But i’m all about the “Both/And” (screw “Either/Or”) so what i decided was to post the collages here and set up a separate post with the indie shots. Click here to access the pic post of The Girls From Nine.

Alls i want to say is i can’t believe they didn’t have nudity in Italy in the 60’s, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, “Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not. Who’s not afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not.” And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the songs were. To make it worse, she sings about how she’s naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it’s not bad but it’s not better than nothing.

Penelope Cruz – A Call From The Vatican 

Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

Fergie’s (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Fergie – Be Italian

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Let’s talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She’s pretty pretty and she’s my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she’s missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i’m sure she’s all broken up about it, too. This doesn’t mean she’s not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here’s my supporting nod:

Marion Cotillard – My Husband Makes Movies

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i’m not gonna lie to you, i’ve been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It’s been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Kate Hudson – Cinema Italiano

Click On The Picture For Wallpaper

Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia’s the only one with gay-dar for Guido’s gayness, and i don’t mean happy or homo.  Here’s the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way – yes – you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death…
CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses – they fall in love with the man?
GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.
CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.
GUIDO: What?
CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.
Anyway, here’s a fine looking Nicole (42):

Nicole Kidman – Unusual Way

Click On The Image Fo Wallpaper

And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who’s flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

Martina Stella In The Bar None

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the “Matron’s Daughter”. Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
  • Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs i posted here to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap after sacrificing my head space for y’all while putting this post together.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine—Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard – Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz – Carla

Fergie – Saraghina

Kate Hudson – Stephanie

Nicole Kidman – Claudia

Martina Stella – Donatella

Georgina Leonidas – Matron’s Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis – Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.

3 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

  1. Actors singing, singers acting, dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria… (whoops, channeling Dr Venkman for a moment there) Rent the DVD, turn off the sound and play Rocky Horror or even Moulin Rouge! over it. I really, really liked All That Jazz by the way.

    • Ken,

      Great idea about the DVD! i shoulda put that in the blog!

      About All That Jazz: It was my first ‘real’ favorite movie. i saw it as a junior in high school and loved thee music, loved the story, loved the nudity and LOVED Jessica Lange as death (and LOVED that i got Jessica Lange was death). It really is a beautiful movie.

      NINE covers a lot of the same ground (a musical about a player who’s also a director) but is so pale in comparison…

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  2. “On top of that, no one told me Nine is a musical.” Duuuuuuude. You gotta blame yourself on this one because you don’t like to read movie reviews before seeing the movie, lol. Plus, you lie (lol). The biggest reason you *wanted* to see this musical is because you wanted to rip on it here! Be honest. 😉 Okay, that, and the chicks, like you wrote.

    I LOVE the opening paragraph, for indeed, this movie is just like that. But, since I am one of the chicks that would fall for that crap, especially in the package of Daniel Day-Lewis (yum) and with how styled this movie is, I liked it. Not as much as Chicago, which I thought kicked ass, but it was okay. Pretty enough to sit through, and you have to admit, seeing as there are TWO posts dedicated to the women of “Nine” that the movie looks HOT. It’s styled. For sure.

    Thank you for following my suggestion with the photos. I really, really love the collages you came up with. They look so good in collage form like that, IMHO. In fact, I might have to change my wallpaper to either the Marion Cotillard or the Kate Hudson one myself. 😀 But uhhhhhh, when did Kate’s bust change from itty bitty titty to bigger boobs, like in that lower left image?!? Wow. I always thought she was *great* a little bit flat-chested. Gave us AA cup chicks some hope we could be sexy, too, but that one photo is looking more like a B. Whattup with that?

    Ohhh sweetie. Here’s another thing, though. I really do think you need to at least give a shout-out to Judi Dench and Sophia Loren. They were the Grande Dames of this movie; Judi Dench in particular did a wonderful job in her role, and I just don’t like the way that the women over 40 never even get a positive mention here. Or very, very rarely. Catherine Keener being a notable exception. I know Al is not into the “Granny Set” but he is not into dudes either and in the name of equal opportunity, they get mention. You don’t have to show their pictures or anything, but I think they do need to at least be listed in the cast. It’s starting to come off as *too* shallow to exclude the older set of women, who once-upon-a-time used to be the silken butterflies of the screen, you know? I know that reviews here are skewed, but there’ skewed, and then (oh what I want to write is almost too mean to put here, but I have to write it… ) borderline pathological (as in, markedly abnormal) in its omission. Skew things, sure, but don’t completely veer off the road. Your woman, who really should be called “Madame Demeanor” at the almost ripe age of 42, is beginning to wonder what you (as Al) will think of her in a few more years….

    Also, I think that Marion Cotillard gave a moving performance, one of the best of all the actors, in this movie. While I have a kind of jealousy/ambivalence/semi-annoyance/odd attraction all rolled into one for French women, and this includes France’s actresses, I find that the movies I see with Ms. Cotillard impress me. I am impressed with her abilities, and I want to see more of her so I can decide if I adore her or hate her. Or both.

    Oh, and very good point about the character played by Nicole Kidman calling Guido on his crap. Yes, she did well in that scene. You know what, ALL of the women did well in this movie, demonstrating the different roles and responses women have in relationship to men, to a man like Guido.

    The more I think about it, even in light of your criticisms, maybe because of your criticisms, I like this movie because of the strength of the women in the movie, not because of the weakness of the men. Even so, despite his weaknesses, I do think that Guido honestly *grew* at the end of the movie. He learned from his errors, and he moved past them, and I think he captured some of his soul back, he came back to the nine year old boy he was in his heart.

    Yeah, this one was not bad at all. Not an All That Jazz or a Chicago but enjoyable. It makes me want to see the stage version, which I read is really different from the film.

    Thanks for another good review, Al.

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