The Downside Of Up

My fellow alcoholics,

Here’s what i like about binge drinking: My cells dance. i don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a medical thing that only alcoholics feel but i swear to god, when i’m drunk i can feel the booze fill each cell in my body like a disco globe. My atoms croon arias, my molecules sing solos, my bones whistle ballads, my skin purrs, my brain hums, my body composes albums as sweet as any wine. It’s a feeling i get from nothing else in life. i’m not saying it’s better, but it is absolutely unique. Because it’s a feeling that nothing else can imitate, those same cells and bones and brain crave the feeling when it’s absent too long.

Here’s what i don’t like about binge drinking: Everything else. The physical hangover the next day, the mental melancholy linked to the depressives inherent in alcohol, the spiritual sadness of acting like an idiot in front of my kids, my friends, my finacée… and this feeling lasts a lot longer than the buzz. The hardest part is living with myself for days afterwards. And—unfortunately for Miss Demeanor—living with me for days afterwards.

Six hours of extreme pleasure and three days (72 hours) of depression… The guy writing this would prefer to forgo the shit backing up into my brains, but the guy who drank last Saturday can’t imagine never feeling that way again. And that, members of Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited (D.R.I.N.K.E.R.) and fellow delegates of the D-Generation (Drinking Generation) is the downside of up.

If you checked out my Twitter page before stopping by The Bar None, you saw that last Saturday got a little out of hand. The photo that heads this post is of my son in my neighbor’s improv studio recording a song he wrote. The session went something like this:

  • Shopping with Miss D and my daughter, i bought a bottle of Peruvian Llama wine (like i could make that up) and a bottle of Smirnoff Ice because it’s only 5% alcohol and i know me; i’m gonna want to drink more after only one bottle of wine so something not too strong is the safest bet.
  • We (my son, Miss D and i) went down to the neighbors—i took the wine.
  • They had some leftover Bordeaux that i had half a glass of after finishing the Llama wine.
  • i went back for the fifth of Smirnoff Ice.
  • After i finished that, i went back to the store. This was my fatal mistake. Usually, i’m too lazy to go out and buy more after drinking this much but i was motivated by those dancing cells i mentioned above; they were screaming in my ears about how great they felt and they wanted to feel even better and feel that way forever. Here’s some free advice for y’all: ignore that cell call if you can.
  • i bought three bottles of wine at the store, a red and two white, because the neighbor likes red and his wife likes white. i opened both and gave them each a couple glasses before i finished off both bottles.
  • i remember nothing after that until i woke up in my clothes, in my bed (thank god), the next day.

So yeah, not much to be proud of and what i’ve been struggling to get over for the last two days. Wish me luck. i’m down, but not for the count.

For those of you who’ve made it this far, i posted a video on my Facebook page [Friend Me! i have practically NO friends!] of Peaches Geldof sharing her thoughts about me and The Bar None. Enjoy…

10 thoughts on “The Downside Of Up

  1. “i swear to god, when i’m drunk i can feel the booze fill each cell in my body like a disco globe. My atoms croon arias, my molecules sing solos, my bones whistle ballads, my skin purrs, my brain hums, my body composes albums as sweet as any wine. It’s a feeling i get from nothing else in life.”

    If it made me feel that way, I probably could not let go of it, either. Maybe it is a good thing I never found my DOC. I love the description…

    “i remember nothing after that until i woke up in my clothes, in my bed (thank god), the next day.”

    I have no idea either because I was upstairs with the kids, feeding them. You did come home, you had eaten nothing that day, as I recall, except a grilled cheese sandwich or two and maybe some soup? I fed you chicken nuggets in tortillas & fries once you got back. You ate it all. Some of it wound up on the floor. You were feeling guilty, you said, because I was helping you get something to eat and cleaning up after you, but it was clear you were having trouble even walking so I was keeping an eye on you, but not so much as to piss you off. I, too, am glad you crashed in the bed, although you passed out on top of the bedsheets and so it was a little hard wrestling them from under you once I went there, too. Still, I was glad to not have to try to pry you off of either the boy child’s bed or the floor, so it is good you wound up there. It was also a relief in some ways as you were so drunk not even the Angry Guy wanted to pick fights. I was worried about how you’d be feeling the next day, though. I did not know you had had that much. It’s been a while since you have had that much…

    I missed you, though, and so did the kids. You were notably absent that night after going shopping for two more bottles and staying disappeared at the neighbors’.

    “After i finished that, i went back to the store. This was my fatal mistake.”

    Yeah, there is this guy that shows up every so often after you have had the one bottle (although I think in this case it was the Smirnoff that tipped you over the edge, though — probably the bigger mistake was getting it…). I think of him as the Go Back to the Store Guy, and if he shows up, I know we are in for it. I don’t know where he comes from, but he is the one that answers the cell call.

    I wish I could write something more encouraging, but I can’t. This is the part where I kind of go numb. There is no point in getting angry, but I don’t have a lot of compassion, either and so I don’t want to say something like “It’ll all be okay” because frankly, when you are in that mode it feels like anything BUT it will be okay. Also, it is still a choice to do it, although I get that with that description up there, I would be hard pressed to stop, too, if that is really how it feels. And, lord knows there is not a day, even six months after quitting, that I don’t think about smoking a cigarette, and I don’t even get any enjoyment from them anymore. It’s those damn nicotine receptors that have not all died off yet in my brain. I get that part. But the part about the disco globe in the cells? I can see how that would be hard to pass up.

    The thought that I have is I wonder how long of a cycle this is going to be. It does seem to cycle like this. You have been pretty good between December and now. The past couple of weeks you have saved a Friday but spent a Saturday. Someone inside of you, and not just those cells is pushing you into this a bit, I think. Might be good to look at what that is and who it is that keeps putting you in this position. What does that guy want?

    I’d friend you on FB, but then my secret identity would be revealed! Please link me up to the video anyway, mmmkay?

    I love you.
    Miss D

    • Yeah, and sometimes you just wanna shoot the fucking rabbit in the head and eat it for dinner. (lol)

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother,

      Al K Hall

  2. I guess I am blessed to have always stopped with a pleasent buzz. Truth being I have a dislike for any “arificial” feeling whether it be good or bad. That being said, I still live in fear of acting like an idiot in front of family and friends, cuz thats how I roll. I do not say this as a “better than you rap” as I do have my addictions and yes, they control my life just the way alcohol would others.

    “i remember nothing after that until i woke up in my clothes, in my bed ”

    How much will you pay for the pictures?

    Ah, frending someone on facebook is much like marriage, while we may be made for each other, will your friends list get along with my friends list? It is the inlaws that make such a relationship strained.

    • Hi Brother!

      Thanks for the Facebook add, but i’m gonna let it slip. Like Miss Demeanor, there are so many people on her list that i’d be afraid of cross contamination. Your request is officially noted, though, and very much appreciated.

      Definitely “blessed”, Brother. Count yourself lucky. But like you said, each of us has a cross to bear, and that it’s not the same keeps life interesting and is a lesson in accepting others. Thanks for accepting me!

      Al K Hall

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