Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Radiohead – No Surprises

[Press Play for No Surprises]

Ramblings: New York, i Like You As A Friend

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink in a New York bar? The patrons are a bag of mixed nuts ’cause some of them are light and others are dark, some poetic and others silly, some sad and some pretty boring. Most of them are sensitive and drink Manhattans like it’s a law and tell you their stories that are pretty cool, though occasionally a little slow or trite but sometimes the patron doin’ the tellin’ is cute and she means well and at least she’s paying for her own drinks and sometimes she even comes out with a tale that is truly beautiful and she doesn’t even slur so you end up passing a pleasant evening in this New York Bar but can’t help wondering if there isn’t something else more exciting happening out there somewhere. New York, I Love You is kinda like that.

James Caan, Olivia Thirlby, Anton Yelchin

For those of you out of the art film loop, New York… is the little sister of Paris, Je t’aime and basically follows the same premise which is to get a barful of directors to make short films about the respected cities using actors who are looking for art cred.

Julie Christie & Shia LaBeouf In The Bar None

Because i did both Paris, Je t’aime and NYILY i feel obligated to compare them. Paris threw me because i didn’t know what to expect when i saw it, but i certainly didn’t expect to see 18 3-minute movies and believe me, 3-minutes isn’t long enough to do much more than set up a story so it was like watching the beginning of 18 movies. Some of the shorts were fantastic and many of them were WTF?

Robin Wright & Chris Cooper In The Bar None

New York learned from Paris‘ mistakes by using fewer but longer vignettes and by having characters interact with each other to provide a vague sense on continuity. While none of New York‘s stories were as bad as Paris‘ bad ones, none of them shone like the diamonds in Paris, either. Which means New York is more balanced yet blander than Paris which is pro’lly true in real life, too.

Ethan Hawke & Maggie Q In Front Of The Bar None

So basically what we got here is a quilt of movies like sections of a city. Some parts of town are pretty cool, others too trendy and the rest places so boring you wouldn’t wanna go there on a bar bet without a box of wine and a rusty cutter.

Rachel Bilson, Andy Garcia & Hayden Christensen In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:3 Shots

You wanna know how much talent was in this movie? Ask Miss Demeanor, she’ll tell you. It’s taken me days, literally, of hogging the ‘puter to wade through barrels of photos to get this crap together.

But enough about me, let’s talk about sex, baby. Definitely the most original sex scene (that they didn’t really show) is between Olivia Thirlby (the best friend in Juno and the hottie in The Wackness) and Anton Yelchin (the dude who plays the new Chekov in the new Star Trek). She’s in a wheelchair and after prom they go to a park and she throws a strap over a tree branch so she can hoist herself up before easing herself down onto Anton’s “Yelchin”. Enough about that, here’s the money shot of Olivia Thirlby (23), as Actress.

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There’s more shots down below in my drawers…

As for the actual nudity in the movie, well, there’s Drea de Matteo (as Lydia) with maybe a body double or maybe it’s really her in a sex scene with Bradley Cooper. Whatever, here’s the real deal…

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And here she is in The Bar None.

Apart from that, the sex and the nudity are done, babes. ‘Course there are a few babes… Like Rachel Bilson (28) who was super cute in the role of “Molly”. Sure, there wasn’t much acting required, she just had to be cute basically, but she did do that extremely well. Here’s the proof.

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There’s gonna be more shots of her in my drawers. You gotta scroll down for the GQ wallpaper and a shot of her with her crazy ass tongue.

But before that, how could i not talk about Natalie Portman? Not only was she in Paris, Je t’aime and New York, I Love You (as Rifka), but she also directed a segment here (not the one she stars in, one that was way more boring and incomprehensible). Still, she’s Natalie Portman. Her last name pro’lly comes from some ancestor who owned a bar and so people kept saying “Port, man!” and she looks like this, so all is forgiven.

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Here she is in The Bar None.

Natalie Portman In The Bar None

Of course i got a lot more shots of her down in my drawers. Just scroll down.

What else do we got? What else do we got!? We got us Qi Shu, this hot 34-year-old Thai chick who used to do Asian soft porn before gracing us with her presence here as the coveted “Chinese Herbalist”. Here’s why i’m covetin’:

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i know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Al! How could you forget Maggie Q!?” Ha! i tell you. Ha! You think i didn’t notice her as “Call Girl”? Sure, at 30 she’s looking a little older than she did in Mission Impossible III or Balls Of Fury, but like a fine wine she gets better with age. Here’s what i mean.

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What could more exciting than that? Maggie Q in the Bar None, of course.

To finish up the established actresses, i’m gonna break an age record here. Julie Christie (who played Isabelle), at 69, is looking pretty damn good. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you Julie Christie, then and now…

Silken Butterflies

These are those fleeting beauties whose time on the screen was all too brief.

Emilie Ohana, who played Zoe, the video artist with a lot of pizazz (and who was also in Paris, Je t’aime).

Not to mention Jordann Beal (21), who does a superb job as “Prom guest”. It’ll be good practice for when she goes to her first real one.

For those of you who are more into Skyscrapers than Potholes, i offer up:

Anton Yelchin (21), as Boy in the Park.

Bradley Cooper (35), as Gus.

Ethan Hawke (39), as Writer.

Orlando Bloom (33), as David.

And Shia LaBeouf (33), as Jacob.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A lot of references, if not much significance:

  • Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson drink gin & tonics with no ice in a bar
  • Prom dates drink champagne from the bottle in a park
  • Drea de Matteo promises herself to stop at 2 drinks during her date
  • Bradley Cooper drinks a Jameson in the bar
  • Zoe drinks a glass of red wine in a bar while working on her laptop
  • Shia and Julie share a glass of champagne in her hotel room
  • The painter drinks straight from the bottle while he works and then he passes out and dies (pro’lly) from drinking

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The Radiohead up top is all you’ll get.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Hu Hong & Meng Yao, Israel Horovitz, Suketu Mehta, Olivier Lecot, Jeff Nathanson, Xan Cassavetes, Stephen Winter, Anthony Minghella, Natalie Portman, Fatih Akin, Joshua Marston, Hall Powell, James Strouse

Directed by: Fatih Akin, Yvan Attal, Allen Hughes, Shunji Iwai, Wen Jiang, Joshua Marston, Mira Nair, Brett Ratner, Randall Balsmeyer, Shekhar Kapur, Natalie Portman

Starring

Rachel Bilson – Molly (segment “Jiang Wen”)
Maggie Q – Call Girl (segment “Yvan Attal”)
Julie Christie – Isabelle (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Drea de Matteo – Lydia (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Olivia Thirlby – Actress (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Qi Shu – Chinese herbalist
Emilie Ohana – Zoe—the Video Artist
Anton Yelchin – Boy in the Park (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Shia LaBeouf – Jacob (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Bradley Cooper – Gus (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Orlando Bloom – David (segment “Shunji Iwai”)
Ethan Hawke – Writer (segment “Yvan Attal”)

Bottom Line

See it on a Sunday on DVD but drink vodka & Redbull and invite someone you love (or like to see naked) for the boring parts.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more writing, just eye shots. You know where the exit is…

Rachel Bilson (28)

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Rachel Bilson And Her Crazy Tongue

Drea de Matteo (38)

Olivia Thirlby (23)

Olivia Thirlby In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Still In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Can't Leave The Bar None

Natalie Portman (28)

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman Side Boob

Natalie Portman Nip Slip

New York Loves Nathalie Portman

Natalie Portman Loves Scarlett Johansson

Qi Shu (34)

Maggie Q (30)

The Booze Talkin’: An Exclusive Interview With My Mom

‘Member how in the last Dregs Of The Weeks i said:

On a more somber note, my Mom is coming tomorrow and you know what that means. i’m gonna spend one week drinking with her so i won’t have time to post much of anything for a while.

And ‘member how you thought i was kidding? Well, she and i have been drinking pretty regularly since she got here, her with her white wine and me with my red, to the point that the first night she was here i told her about The Bar None and y’all.

Now, one of the main reasons i keep my identity secret (other than the fact i’m a superhero) is so that my folks don’t find out about this place because The Bar None is where i come to be myself and talk about my problem without worrying about shocking those who love me. Anyway, i told her about how i’m writing this blog to deal with my alcohol problem and also to entertain you patronizers.

Long story shorter, we were both a little buzzed last night and i asked her to do an interview for this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker, to which she agreed on the condition that she remain anonymous as well. (See? We’re a family of freakin’ super-heroes…) So here’s the impromptu drunken interview, the only problem being i didn’t write down the questions, just her answers. Good luck with that…

  • THEY LOVE ME (my Mom & Dad)
  • She drank a bottle of Chardonnay before the interview
  • She believes there’s a 100% genetic predisposition to to alcoholism, but will power can fight it
  • Her dad drank 7&7s, we grandkids could make them for him by the time we were 15
  • Her mother drank Harvey Bristol Cream sherry [which i learned is not a skin care product]
  • My dad’s dad was a skid row drunk (which is why my dad worries about me)
  • My sister drinks 1-2 glasses of wine nightly
  • On a scale of 1-10, they worry a “7” about my drinking because i have the will power to stop
  • My expresso (ex-wife) told my parents she left me because of my drinking
  • She (my mother) drinks for relaxation
  • My father drinks 1 martini a night out of ritual
  • My mother saw her parents drunk, but only when she was an adult
  • She wants everyone to know her parents were optimistic, accepting and positive
  • You have to lose a lot of life to recognize there’s a problem.” [emphasis is mine]

And there you have it. Hope at least some of it makes sense.

[A PS to Miss Demeanor should she read this: Babe, i realize that my relationship with my family in general and my mom specifically is dysfunctional in many ways. i pro’lly didn’t go into enough detail here about how the links between my drinking and my family’s and how one possible reason for my alcoholism is to justify that of my ancestors. i also didn’t examine what this could mean for my kids, who see their grandmother and father getting buzzed together. Even if i didn’t talk about all this, i do realize it’s there and i do think about it. i guess i’m asking you to go easy in your comments. But if you wanna talk about it, i’ll be the guy beside you in bed.]

Dregs Of The Weeks: April 06 – April 19, 2010

Man, the crap i got that’s sunk all the way to the bottom of the dregs… Like i got homemade cheerleader pee-na coladas, a loser who puts up his pukes, a drunk just horsing around, an underage blonde partying in a cop car, the end of free beer at work, beer that’s stronger than vodka, Paris Hilton getting carded, a Playmate who failed the bunny test, Pamela Anderson so drunk her boobs leak, a Kiefer Sutherland striptease and oh so much freaking more…

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Brother Ken who threw a lot of dregs my way this week as well as hookin’ me up with something Kink-y: The Kinks – Have Another Drink

[Press ‘Play’ for one on the brothers Davies.]

April 16: Taking “Stomach Sneeze” To A Whole New Level

[AlKHallism: To see the definition of “stomach sneeze” and all the other words i made up for y’all, check out AlKHall-hics: A Glossary.]

Here’s a story that’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth. Matthew Clemmens (21) and a bud went to a Phillies game and got super drunk. “Super drunk” in Philadelphia being synonymous with “super obnoxious”, the pair decided to curse and spit like cheap whores on $5 Blow Job Night. Unfortunately, right in front of them was an off-duty police Captain with his 11-year-old daughter who took unkindly to this so he notified security, who did the security guy thing by escorting Clemmens’ bud from the park. In a sickening display of guts, Clemmens stuck two fingers down his throat, leaned over and proceeded to puke all over the Cap’n and his little girl. When the police came to arrest Matt-spew, he did a replay and barfed on another cop. Turns your stomach, don’t it?

April 13: Horseman of the Apocalsip

Who knew that Mule Day in Tennessee could go so wrong? i freaking did, that’s who. Mule Day? In Tennessee? Come on! A prefect opportunity for someone to make an ass of himself. Which is exactly what Troy Michael Hall (32) did. Seems Hall-Ass was already riding high on his horse (what!? a horse on Mule Day!? is nothing sacred!?) and pulled the beast over into a crowd of people to see if he couldn’t score a beer. He dismounted but couldn’t get up again (happens to the best of us, especially when the little filly’s asking to be mounted a second time), and instead he spooked the horse which proceeded to trample a bystander. Hall Mental-sipsses got busted for 2 counts of reckless endangerment and one count of public drunkenness—but his ass got off scotch free. [Oh give me a break, it’s in honor of Mule Day for chrissake.]

April 8: No More Free Beer At Work = Not Working

How many times have people asked me, “Al, what do you want to be if you grow up?” Zero, actually, but if anyone ever did, i’d say, “Why, i want to work at the Carlsberg brewery.” Well, maybe i used to wanna say that but not anymore. See, Carlsberg used to have a refrigerator stocked with free beer and non-essentials like water and soda. Employees, including the drivers, had the right to all the beer they wanted at lunch and three others during the day. Until management screwed the people again by removing the free beer from the fridge and only offering it up during lunch. The strike has been ongoing since April 7. Here’s a wallpaper of Danish girls who aren’t on a thirst strike, the dirty scabs:

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To show your support of striking Carlsberg workers, drink a Steel Reserve.

April 7: But Officer, I Haven’t Finished Yet

Who do you wanna party with? You wanna party with Tasha Lee Cantrell and all of her 19-year-old Floridian self. She was pulled over and arrested for DUI and, ’cause her car got towed, she asked the cop if he could give her a ride home. Nice guy that he was, he obliged, until he looked at his back seat cop camera screen and saw this:

Click On The Shot For TSG Videos Of Tasha And Her Steel Reserve

So instead of giving the damsel in this dress a lift home, the cop took her to the pokey and busted her for underage drinking. My question is this: If the cop busted her for DUI to begin with, why didn’t he get her for underage drinking then? Anyway, Tasha, you out there? i wanna party with you (if Miss D says it’s OK).

April 16: Previews Of Coming Distractions

Speaking of girls who like to drink, Laura Hall, this 20-year-old Welsh chick, has been banned from every bar in Wales and England for two years because of her drunken antics. i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson will dedicate an entire blog to this Super Girl later. Stay Tuned…

Laura? If you can't drink in the UK, come to Yeman! i'll hook you up.

April 15: And You Thought i Liked The Dregs

Think George Costanza eating a pastry off the top of the trash… The story goes something like this. Scheppers Distributing Co couldn’t unload 1500 cases of Budweiser and Michelob Ultra. Like that’s a big surprise. So the beer goes past it’s expiration date (it can taste worse? as if…) and Scheppers destroys 800 cases and dumps the other 700 in a landfill. Some city employees (why yes! this did take place in Missouri! what was your first clue?) decided to take a city pickup to the dump and drive off with 50 cases. City officials don’t know what happened to the beer (apparently no one told them they were in Missouri) but an anonymous caller tipped off The Man, who reviewed dump tapes and caught the guys. One dude quit, the other is facing disciplinary action—which pro’lly means he hasta drink the shit he stole.

Babes, if you’re gonna waste your life on beer, the beer should at least be stronger than whiskey…

February 16: Finally! 82 Proof Beer

A Scottish Brewery called Brew Dog has done the impossible. By conserving an India Pale Ale for over 20 days at -6°C (21°F), Brew Dog was able to come up with Sink the Bismark, an ale that has 41% alcohol. This is now, officially, the strongest beer ever in the history of the entire universe. (You can order it at their website for £40 / $60.)

If you have a chance to poke around their website, you’ll find a Trashy Blonde (a 4.1% alcohol pale ale). Here’s how the Brew Dogs describe it:

You really should just leave it alone…
…but you just cant get the compulsive malt body and gorgeous dirty blonde colour out of your head. The seductive lure of the sassy passion fruit hop proves too much to resist. All that is even before we get onto the fact that there are no additives preservatives, pasteurization or strings attached.
All wrapped up with the customary Brewdog bite and imaginative twist. This trashy blonde is going to get you into a lot of trouble.

Ahhh, makes you want to live in Scotland, don’t it?

April 11: Real Friends Get Busted For DUI. Together. In The Same Car.

‘Cause in Reno that’s the way they (kinda) roll. Some guy driving along sees an SUV going all over the place so he calls the cops. Just before the cops arrive, the squealer sees the passenger drag the driver out of the car and into shotgun before taking the driver’s seat himself. So the cops still pull the car over and it turns out the new driver is drunk, too. Both get busted for DUI.

They better pray they get Maryland Judge Edwin Collier.

April 12: If At First You Don’t Convict, Re-try Again

Remember 1998? Of course not. i don’t either. Like we got nothing better to do than remember 1998. Stupid question. Another cat who pro’lly doesn’t remember 1998 is Rene E Fernandez. He got popped for a DUI in ’98, twice in three months. Edwin Collier, the judge who tried him the second time, let him off with a warning. Well, couple weeks back the retired judge got hit in his Honda Accord. By a drunk driver. Named Rene E Fernandez.

April 9: Drunk In The Cooler

This 42-year-old in Vermont drove himself to prison for a 2-day sentence for drunk driving. Only problem was, prison officials noticed he was drunk when he got there. So they called the cops who arrested him for drunk driving. He ended up in prison anyway but he’ll have to pay the judge another visit for the new charge. Swear to god, sometimes i think life is one giant Simpsons episode.

April 07: Who’s Been Sleeping In My Bed?

Stuart Wilkinson (20) got drunk in Colorado (Boulder, for those of you who know). He ended up going back with a buddy to the buddy’s place. A little later, the police got a call from a woman who’d freaked because a naked stranger had crawled into her bed. Turns out Wilkinson chose to sleep in his buddy’s roommate’s bed, and if she was a she and he was drunk, you gotta see where he was coming from. Anyway, the police arrived and Stewed-art pulled the sheets over his head and refused to get out of bed until the cops threatened to tase him. He was busted only for suspicion of underage drinking and obstructing a peace officer because the chick didn’t want to press charges.

Speaking of generous chicks…

April 9: Urine For A Treat

Does this drink taste funny or is it just you? In a sophomoric (literally) prank, at least 2 high school cheerleaders in Saginaw, Texas pee’d in a cup, added some cola and passed out the drinks to their teammates. When asked about the funny taste, they explained they added “sour candy” to it (is anyone other than me thinking “cherry”?)? Talk about your “pee-in colada”…

While obviously not high school cheerleaders, here’s a wallpaper of drunken cheerleaders for you.

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Yeman Dregs:

To wrap up the commoner dregs, i got an anti-smoking poster that was forbidden by the government here in Yeman. See if you can find what bugged the censors, i sure as hell didn’t see anything wrong with it…

Celebrity Dregs

April 19: Paris Hilton Looks Underage

The last guy on the planet lucky enough not to know who Paris Hilton is (i can’t take credit for that shot, TMZ served it up originally) was also the guy checking IDs at something called Coachella Fest. Here’s a picture of him verifying Paris is of age.

This is as good an excuse as any to exposé Paris Hilton. For example, here’s Paris flirting… with Nicky, her sister.

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There are tons more shots and wallpapers at the bottom of this post, down in my drawers.

April 16: Playboy Bunny Gets Run Down For DUI

Proof that to be in Playboy you don’t need to be sexy, you just need to have big fake boobs… This former Playmate was on her way to judge a Nude Beauty Pageant (this is now what i want to be if i grow up) in Miami when police stopped her because she was too fast and curvaceous (i’m talking about her driving here, peeps).  She blew 0.102% on the Rabbit Test and was released on $1000 bail.

That said, here’s some animal research my Mate knows how to Play:

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Scroll down to the end of this post to find more shots of her in my drawers.

April 10: Non News

Some guy named Andy Dick got thrown out of a winery for being drunk.

The real reason i posted this is because it provides a nice intro into a much cooler guy getting kicked out of a much cooler place for doing much cooler things…

April 16: Suther-Comfort—uh—Land

If Kiefer Sutherland isn’t the Patron Deity of the Bar None, he is certainly one of our highest Patronizer Saints. If he keeps things up, he just may dethrone David Hasselhoff.

i stole the picture from D-Listed, who’s more honest than i am ’cause they admitted the shot wasn’t from the night i’mma tell you all about.

Kiefer met up with a buddy in London and polished off a couple bottles of wine. At around 2am, they head to a strip club called Stringfellows, current record holder for “Least Erotic Strip Club Name Ever”. Apparently the women there were just as exciting ’cause Kief himself got naked and more outta hand the Heidi Montag’s new boobs. Onlookers in the club described him as “absolutely screamingly paralytic”—which apparently means he was everything but paralytic (what do you expect from a nation that drives on the wrong side of the road?). He was tossed at about 3:30am and security (the tossers) had to throw him in his car a bunch of times because he crept crawling out. Finally, at around 4am, after moping like a $10 dollar whore on Dollar Night, he stumbled into the street and back to the hotel.

Interested in seeing what it looked like for real? You knew you could count on me, dincha…

April 16: The Pope Shits In The Woods

And in other shocking news, Amy Winehouse got drunk. Interesting enough it was on the same night and in the same city as Kiefer. Good thing it wasn’t together, because two wrongs don’t make it right. Wine-Ho got loaded at London’s May Fair Hotel and left at 4am, though the odor still lingers… Yeah, you should pro’lly just click on the link and read the D-Listed story, it’s tons funnier than this, yo.

April 6: Pamela Anderson Drinks So Much Her Boobs Leak

Speaking of women i wouldn’t do under any circumstances, Pamela Anderson got so drunk at Guys And Dolls that the booze started leaking from her tits. i know you don’t believe me and that doctors the world over are screaming that it’s medically impossible, but pictures don’t lie, babes.

Here’s more proof, in case you were doubtin’ on me, that her chest sacks are really canteens filled with booze that she drinks from like a camel in the middle of the desert her life has become:

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There’ll be just a couple shots of her lingering like an aftertaste in my drawers down below.

The Bar None Dregs

Let me kick this section off with a salute to Horace Dumpty, who i’m pretty sure is English and will no doubt be pissed off at my joke up there about how they do everything backwards, and Kiki Demeanor (they wouldn’t let her use “Miss Demeanor”) who are my newest friends on Facebook. Welcome to my nightmare, kids. Just a note, i take on all comers, so don’t hesitate to friend me.

Those of you who do friend me will have access to a Boris Yeltsinner video of him drunk as hell, thanks to Ingar, my Norwegian Wood.

As long as i’m throwing out the lauds, i got some left to give up for Ken / Wayne Buchanan (on my Facebook). Thanks, Brother, for slinging so many of these dregs my way. For the rest of you friends, don’t hesitate to post links to any Dregs-worthy news items you throw up on in your day to day. i’ll use them here and give you a shout out.

And speaking of shout outs: Rodney from way down under and master film reviewer at Fernby Films (go on, click on the link to show the brother some love) has gone one step further than referencing me in his sidebar by adding a banner to the bottom of the reviews both he and i have in common.

Click On The Shot To Check Out His Review And See My Banner In Action

Stylish, ain’t it? Thanks for the love, brother!

Speaking of love, i’m here to humbly thank all the faithful readers who have come here to drool over pictures of chicks. Just so you know, Joss Stone is the new Kate Beckinsale. What i mean by this is my hits have been steadily increasing this week—i broke 2,000 total page reads twice in one week for the first time ever and today my homepage (it wasn’t all about the chicks after all) registered more than 1,000 (1,238 as of this writing) page reads all on its own.

What i really mean is that i’m toasting those of you who are reading this right here, right now. Thanks for patronizing me; i couldn’t do it without you, quite literally. The Bar None VIPs are those who come here for the words as well as the shots, so thanks for having my back, peeps.

On a more somber note, my Mom is coming tomorrow and you know what that means. i’m gonna spend one week drinking with her so i won’t have time to post much of anything for a while. i’ll keep you posted as best i can, but i’m counting on you not to find another Bar to hang out in while i’m away. Hell, i’ll give you the keys, feel free to stay as long as you want and say what you feel.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more multisyllabic (see?) words you gotta look up to understand what i’m on about. The rest of this post are shots for the eyes exclusively. i won’t be offended if you decide to stop here, babes.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton BooB Check---Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Yep, They're Still Here!

Paris Hilton In The Bar None

Megan Hauserman

Pamela Anderson

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of GREEN ZONE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Moby – Alice

Ramblings: Zoned Out

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink on meth? Sure, it sounds like a good idea at first ’cause you’re gonna get the best of both, so you shoot or snort or whatever it is you do with meth and you pop open that beer tab or uncork the bottle of wine or unscrew the bottle of whiskey or saber that bottle of champagne (hey, i know what to do with booze but not meth, so sue me) and then, pretty much right from the get go you feel dizzy and shaky and you kinda wanna throw up and you pray for it all to stop and you want the clock to move backwards so you can either do the meth thing or the booze thing but it’s too late so there’s nothing left to do but ride it out and tattoo “Never Again” on your forearm so there’s no chance in hell you’ll try that crap another time. Yeah, it’s kinda like that with Green Zone.

Paul Greengrass rocks. He is a killer director. United 93 is the absolute best movie ever made about the worst day in recent American memory. Like Bloody Sunday, Greengrass was able to make a movie so realistic about a historical incident that it looked like a documentary.

Greengrass also rocked the last two Bourne movies (The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum). Lots of style and suspense, the films raised the bar for action movies.

Matt Damon And Paum Greengrass On The Set

Unfortunately, Grass Is Greener tried to mix both of these types of movie into Green Zone and it turned out like the intro paragraph [AlKHallism: Shout out to Miss Demeanor for her help brainstorming the tack i took with that]. His pseudo-documentaries are like fine wines and his action films pack all the rush of crystal meth but when he mixes both of them, we’re let down (and a little nauseous). Green Zone is black and white so it lacks the ambiguity of reality, but at the same time is based on a true story so there’s a lot of backstory telling that detracts from the action and slows down the pace.

Yigal Naor as General Al Rawi

Khalid Abdalla as Freddy

So, with all this bitching and moaning, why did i give it 3 shots (besides the fact i’m a generous mother)? Lots of reasons. While i’m not a big fan of handcam’s, and this is the first movie i ever really noticed how bad it can be (hell, i even liked it in Cloverfield), it did give the film a frenetic feel. Matt Damon did a solid job in the role of “Miller” but the exotic talent stole the show. Yigal Naor, an Israeli actor who actually played Saddam Hussein in The House Of Saddam, kicked ass as Iraqi General Al Rawi, aka The Jack Of Clubs. Another rockin’ role was that of Freddy, as done by Khalid Abdalla (Egyptian descent, born in Glasgow, who also appeared as a terrorist in Greengrass’ United 93). The story was good, the action was hot, the style was there, so there was a lot that entertained in this movie.

Amy Ryan as Lawrie Dayne, Now We're Talkin' Entertainment

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Babes, we’re talkin’ about an Iraqi war movie: guys and guys and more guys than a frat house at a Jimmy Buffet kegger.

i’m considering myself lucky they decided to include Amy Ryan as Wall Street Journal journalist Lawrie Dayne. She’s cute as a shotglass of Mike’s Hard Lemonade but the closest we get to sexy is the shot i posted just above. Here’s a collage of her other shots:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

For those of you who prefer soldiers to journalists, i got some Matt Damon for you.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

A couple beer references. When soldiers visit the Republican Palace /  Coalition Provisional Authority HQ, the grunts drool over the lucious things hanging out at the swimming pool, not to mention the beer and Domino’s pizza. When they ask their commander if they can have a beer, they’re told, “One”.

There’s also some beer at the hotel Lawrie’s staying at.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

i’ll give the rock ‘n’ roll attitude of this a couple shots, but don’t go seeing this movie expecting to hear the kind of rock we got in The Hurt Locker.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Rajiv Chandrasekaran (Book Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq’s Green Zone)
Brian Helgeland (Screenplay)

Directed by: Paul Greengrass

Starring

Amy Ryan – Lawrie Dayne

Matt Damon – Miller

Khalid Abdalla – Freddy

Yigal Naor – General Al Rawi

Bottom Line

You should pro’lly wait for this to come out on DVD so the shaking camera thing on the big screen doesn’t send you into epileptic seizures.

Bonus Round

Another still of Amy Ryan (and some guy):

Avril Lavigne Is My Pet Sin


From the juiced-box. Avril Lavigne’s version of “Knocking On Heaven’s Door”.

i have a confession for y’all. i like Avril Lavigne. Hell, i even like the version of “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” i posted. Even worse, the only reason i listen to her music, am generous in my critiques and forgiving of her talent to the point of being unfair is because she’s super hot. An ingénue, as Miss Demeanor says. i’m all about waifs and ingénues, babes.

Fortunately, there is one aspect of her i don’t need to defend: Girl knows how to party. Even better: Girl gets into other girls when she gets her drink on. Here’s the 200 proof…

Click On The Shot For Bar None Wallpaper

The rest of this post is more 200 proof shots that she likes the drink. It’s all shots for the eyes from here on out, babes, don’t feel the need read.

Scroll Down To See Her New-Found Maturity

"Get away, Al! You big, scary drunk, you."

"Are you sure this is what boobs are for? OK, maybe I'll try just this once."

"Hell yeah, I swallow! Par-ty Par-ty Par-ty. Go Al! Go Al! Go Al!"

[AlKHallism: If you’re interested in seeing flaming shots of her sober, there are some on my Dregs Of The Weeks: March 22 – April 5 post.]

[More AlKHallism: For those of you kind, desperate and kind of desperate enough to frieend me on Facebook, there’s a bonus video of our little Avril drunk.]

Don’t Puck It Up: Fatherhood And Functional Alcoholism


A Note From Your Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson

My Fellow Alcoholics,

On March 19, some guy who calls himself Puck drove over an embankment with his 8-year-old son in the car. The youngster had to crawl from the wreckage, up the embankment, flag down a passing car and relay information to the motorist who’d called 911. [You can hear the call on TMZ by following this link.]

Photo Links To The TMZ Page i Stole It From

Puckface (his parents named him David Rainey, as in “Rainey Days And Reality Shows Always Get Me Down”) is known by the same kind of people who can name off the entire cast of Jersey Shore because he was the resident asshole in something MTV called The Real World: San Francisco. As if something produced by MTV could be called reality, especially in San Fran. Anyway, this Pucker ended up with broken bones in his feet, hands and neck, as well as a fractured sternum and clavicle. Doctors are reportedly still looking for his brain, which is apparently as tiny as his penis, but so far have had no success and suspect he may have been born without either.

Even worse than Puckass’ living through this shit was the fact that he brought his son down with him, literally. Bogart, Puck’s 8-year-old, had bruised internal organs and damage to his liver. Even sadder than the woman who agreed to bear the offspring of Puck is this poor child who has to admit his dad’s a total Puck up.

And speaking of liver damage, i’ll give you two guesses about the cause of the accident but you’ll only need one. The “man” himself confessed to the National Enquirer, “I drank two shots of Jack Daniels in the car,” he said. “But I also ate a sandwich,” continued the safety unconscious Father Of The Year.

Yes, the police arrested him while he was still in the hospital for suspicion of DUI. Other charges of driving without a license and child endangerment are likely to follow.

The Method To My Madness

Y’all know i started this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker for you, my people in the D-Generation, fellow members of D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited). This Bar None is a place where you can hang out without being judged. i’m also here to share my experiences and personal stories so you can tell yourselves, “Hell, I may be a screw up, but at least I’m not as bad as Al.”

Well, now’s my chance to say it. i’ve done a lot of messed up things and my drinking has definitely affected my kids, but i’ve never drunk shots of Jack while driving with my kids in the car.

This does not mean i’m a model father.

My kids knew the word “hangover” way before they should’ve had to. It was used when i was married and then, after my divorce, it was still batted about the apartment when they came over some weekends.

One time, my son was pro’lly 13 which would make my daughter 10 or 11, i went with my little girl to pick up my son from an acting class. The idea was for me to hide and for her to tell him she’d walked there on her own. So we did this but, to make it more believable, she claimed i was too drunk to come and so i’d sent her alone. It musta been pretty damn believable because the boy-child fell for it. That’s when i started realizing how serious the shit was getting.

i’ve lost my temper and gone to the dunk angry place with both the kids. (That said, i’ve never hit anyone, let alone my kids, when drunk).

My son now recognizes my drunken euphoria and has come to hate it. He gets angry at me for it, as he should. Last summer the kids, Miss Demeanor and myself got bumped into business class for a trans-Atlantic flight and i drank 2 glasses of champagne, a double Glenlivet, a glass of white burgundy, 2 glasses of Medoc, a cognac, an Armagnac and then 5 glasses of dry white wine. (The post about that is right here.) i got loquacious (a big word that means “babbling like a 13-year-old girl hopped up on Redbull in line at a Twilight premiere”) upon landing and my son gave me a shoulder colder than the champagne for two days.

i am not proud of myself about any of this. My children would probably be happier if i didn’t drink, and yet i continue to imbibe, which is like saying my drinking is more important than their happiness. Even typing that shames me.

On the less dark side, i have never put my kids in danger because of my drinking. My children accept me for who i am and, while i may not have their pride all the time, i do have their love.

Functional Alcoholism And Fatherhood

Y’all know me, and if you don’t, count your blessings. i’m not here to preach or to give you advice, that would just be the blind drunk leading the blind drunk.

i think i’m safe in saying, though, that we should draw a line at jeopardizing our children’s well-being. If a binge gets to a point where you can no longer assure that, call someone you trust who’s sober enough to do it for you.

What i can also share is kinda what i’ve been saying in these sincere posts all along. Be honest. Be open. My kids (and the rest of my family) would know about my drinking problem even if i tried to hide it, so i figure why try? i’m not saying i brag about it, either. Just i’m honest with my kids about my drinking and the problems it causes. Hopefully my being upfront about it will teach them to drink more responsibly than i do. Teaching by bad example, is what i’m doing.

To any of you out there who were raised by alcoholics…i can’t speak for your parents but i can speak for myself. i love my children and i want what’s best for them. i would never hurt them and i’m trying to be a better man and better father for them. My problems are not because of but despite my kids. My issues are less severe than would be without the runts around.

It’s like i’ve told them since they were babies too young to understand and continue repeating since they can: My job is not to make them happy, it’s to teach them how to make themselves happy when they’re older.