Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ALICE IN WONDERLAND

[AllKHallism: Don’t mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Avril Lavigne – Alice (Underground)

[Press ‘Play’ for Avril in Underland.]

Ramblings: Drink Me (Or Eat Me–S’all The Same To Me)

Final Proof: 3½ Shots You know how you get drunk with a Glimbirden? You swig Absinswallers all night until your vision hazes and the green Flickenfares dart around you like drunken fireflies. And the Glimbirden sits there, swalgerin down those drinks and spinning these twisted tales on his realspinder and the stories come to life before your eyes, danstering on the table before you, darkening the bar with clouded visioneers that puff out clouds of smoke and take the fanturbing forms of Lokclusters, Panklefents and Publessence. Then, once you’re about to peekle, a sudden solber descends on you like a cold rain in the wind and you realize you’ve only been sitting in a bar all along. That’s exactly the way it is with Alice In Wonderland.

i’m willing to bet a beer that binge drinkers dig Tim Burton. Sure, the smokers of “wacky weed” (y’all digging how hep i am with the phat and fly newest slang?) and the takers of LSD are pro’lly standing (if a bit aslant) arm in arm with us. ‘Cause everyone knows the real reason all of us imbibe in licit and ill-icit distractions is to fly high enough to orbit Burton’s universe. And we get that here, we do, especially for the first 2/3s, if you don’t count the beginning.

Don’t get me wrong. Alice doesn’t disappoint. She’s stylish and slick, which makes her easy enough to get into. She looks good and she’s accessible, even for the youngest amongst us. On top of that, she works hard to please, which makes her extremely satisfying. The only problem (and it’s only a slight one, after all she’s done to us) is that she sobers up towards the end and you get the feeling she’s only going through the motions to finish us off. She wants to make us happy, sure, but she’s already got our money so she stops trying hard and becomes any other working girl.

What makes Alice cool is the non-stop action. There’s always something going on most of the time and it’s done to the tune of Tim Burton’s rich, luxurious, delusion-esque visions. Mix into the mix great performances by everyone (except Crispin Glover, that’s just the way it is) and, despite the film’s sobering up toward the end, you got a solid movie worth the see.

Speaking of, if you decide to follow my advice and fall down the hole, you should see it in 3D if it’s at all possible ’cause Burton uses a lot of that “coming at the camera” crap, which looks pretty ridiculous in 2D and also means you shouldn’t wait to download it, either.

Crap, i almost forgot, i gotta card Eleanor Tomlinson here. She plays Fiona Chattaway, half of the duo that inspire Alice’s visions of Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Unfortunately for us, she’s only 17 and thus not allowed any lower in The Bar None. Normal shots and nothing age inappropriate going on here, kiddos.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here she is with her other half in the movie: Eleanor Gecks as Faith Chattaway.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots It’s a Disney film, babes in the woods. The closest thing you’ll get to sex is imaging Alice stepping naked from the sea of her clothes when she shrinks or her dress flying from her body when she grows. Oh yeah, there’s also an almost upskirt of her when she’s sitting next to the Red Queen. That’s about it.

Mia Wasikowska - Alice

Tim Burton found treasure down under when he uncovered Mia Wasikowska (20), a charming Aussie ingénue, to play Alice. She was perfect for the role, with just the right amount of gravity—which is important because she’s from Canberra on the bottom of the world. Man, do they grow them hot down there. Here’s what i’m talking about.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Don’t worry, there’ll be more shots of her down under this post, in my drawers.

Helena Bonham Carter - Red Queen

i’ve been in love with Helena Bonham Carter ever since A Room With A View. She has these gorgeous dark eyes i want to drown my sorrows in and that hair—god that hair in A Room With A View— i swear to god i would die a happy man if i were to hang myself with a noose made from braided tresses of that hair. Even stronger, i actually watched the whole thing, almost, and i hate any movie by that Jane Eyre chick. While all the actors (even Crispin Glover was less bad than usual) turned in good performances, Helena’s portrayal of the Red Queen was my favorite. Every time she left the screen it was like finishing a fifth of Martini Rosso and wanting another one right away. Then, when you realize she’s still super sexy at 43, you understand we’re dealing with major talent here.

Click On The Image For A Wallpaper

Helena Bonham Carter At The Bar None

i’ve got some individual shots of her on reserve in my drawers, at the bottom of this post.

Anne Hathaway - White Queen

i love Anne Hathaway’s mouth. Anne Hathaway (27) has a big mouth. If she had a party in her mouth, i’d come. i want to be her lipstick salesman so i can be as rich as she is. i read somewhere that she was offered the role of Alice in the movie but turned it down because she was tired of being the nice girl, especially after getting her start in something called The Princess Diaries series. Yeah, well, these photos show she’s not too nice a girl for The Bar None.

Click On The Shot For A Free Wallpaper

Anne Hathaway In The Bar None

Silken Butterflies

Showing up first, we get Jemma Powell (apparently ageless) who shines as Alice’s sister, Margaret Kingsleigh.

And, as mentioned above, there’s also Eleanor Gecks as Faith Chattaway, the “real life” Tweedledee to Eleanor Tomlinson’s Tweedledum. Here then, is the Gecks part of the Eleanors, as sweet and refreshing as Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

For those of you who are more into Vorpel Swords than Rabbit Holes, i offer up Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp - Mad Hatter

i like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, is cool. i’m not gay or anything (if i were gay i’d screw Michelle Rodriguez) but i think Johnny Depp is a good looking guy. On top of that he’s a truly talented actor and is together with a hot French chick and, before that, slept with Kate Moss a lot but only when she was hot. Don’t take it from me—god knows i wouldn’t—but Helena Bonham Carter:

He’s very cool. Whatever Johnny does, there’s something cool about it. He’s very hip. It’s emotional and vulnerable, too, which makes it touching.

Here, then, is some emotional touching.

Click On Image For A Wallpaper

After the Depp stick, we’re stuck with Crispin Glover, as in “i’m overlooking a Crispin Glover / that I’ve overlooked before.”

Crispin Glover - Ilosovic Stayne

Don’t get me wrong. i like Crispin Glover. i wanna drink with Crispin Glover. i bet he’d be a lot of fun drunk. He’d be all, like, “Have you ever drowned anyone with a beer bong, dude? It’s killlllleeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr…” Crispin? If you’re out there, i’d love to hang with you, bro. But not while watching any of your movies. You can’t act. At All. “Acting” is not pretending to be a 5-year-old wearing your mom’s dirty sheets playing “spin the donkey” while laughing like a pirate. That’s just retarded, babe.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Two words: Drink Me. That’s all we get here. Although i like the poetry of drinking making someone feel small. Yeah, i find that pretty appropriate.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Apart from the Avril Lavigne song up top, there’s a totally Trip-Up dance tune where the Mad Hatter dances the Futterwacken. The song jibes with the rest of the movie about as well as ice cubes in beer.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Lewis Carroll (books Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass)

Linda Woolverton (screenplay)

Directed by:

Tim Burton


Mia Wasikowska – Alice Kingsleigh
Helena Bonham Carter – Red Queen
Anne Hathaway – White Queen
Johnny Depp – Mad Hatter
Jemma Powell – Margaret Kingsleigh
Eleanor Gecks – Faith Chattaway
Eleanor Tomlinson – Fiona Chattaway
Crispin Glover – Ilosovic Stayne

Bottom Line

See it, especially in 3D.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

In my drawers i’ve stuffed the single shots of the actresses mentioned above.

Mia Wasikowska (20)

Helena Bonham Carter (43)

Helena Bonham Carter Smokin' Wallpaper

Anne Hathaway (27)

How Anne Feels About Her See-Through Shots

Anne Hathaway See Through - Click To Make Wallpaper

What Anne Thinks About My Sense Of Humor

What Anne Thinks About My Sense Of Humor

12 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ALICE IN WONDERLAND

  1. I’ve had this downloaded for a while now and just started watching it just before your post when I was interupted by life. Read your review and it gave me the imputus to sit again the next day and watch it through.

    I wonder if Burton/Disney realise the implications of asigning names to everyone/thing rather than the generic of dreams. Along with the very adult implications (that I’m very glad were not graphicly illustrated, but there were some very borderline things such as the heads in the moat) that were added for broader appeal, the insistance of this being an actual place, well hopefully will spark the same kind of “what if” that Miracle on 34th Street did for Santa.

    A word about downloading movies. While the technology is wonderful in capturing an image and sound in a theatre so clear that you don’t know that is what has transpired until someone in the audience gets up to go to the bathroom, one is at the mercy of the person downloading as to how much of the movie is pertinent (the person who captured mine cut it off during the Avril Lavine song and credits and I’m one of the few that enjoy the trivia one can gleen from the credits and sometimes the most interesting music is left for this also) and one doesn’t get to expirience anything extra (ie; it wasn’t in 3D). I did get to see a film that is current that I cannot afford to see as it was meant to be seen (and to keep it as long as I like without overdue fees).

    Of the movie itself, I would rate Tin Man (the updated Return to OZ movie that could be quite comparable to this) as the details were a bit more suprizing as they were revealed than here where everything was pretty much broadcast in advance. The one thing that most rang true was When Hatter said that she was the right Alice, but she was missing something inside (which, of course was the whole point of the movie) and that could be said of the movie itself. Stylish as it was, it lost that sense of wonder. If I had to say why, iut is that it lost that random “anything can happen” element of the original story by making it a linier story with a plot that must be fulfilled and a moral that must be told and so it became more of a story with familiar characters and less of a dream.

    • Ken! Hey there, Brother.

      Pull up a stool, got some nice Don Eduardo Silver Tequila if you’re up for it.

      Miss Demeanor and i tend not to download movies because we have that pass that lets us both see all the movies we want together (for $50/month total). Also i’ve been having problems with Windows 7 and my DVD burner. Still, we tend to DL TV shows that we can’t get in English here in Yeman. i’ve never been a big fan of ‘screeners’ (bootleg versions of movies filmed on a cam during a showing), the quality is never as good as DVD. For those films we missed, didn’t want to see, or that weren’t shown in Yeman, i prefer to wait for the DVD release and look for DVD copies online. Anyway, i’m glad you got to hear the Avril song by coming here.

      i don’t know Tin Man, but i agree that Burton played Alice pretty straight. Yes, there were some Burton trademarks and he used the CGI to its full effect, but like i said and you restated, the film sobers up at the end when it becomes a traditional, low context story line. i loved what you said about its losing the “anything can happen element”.

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

  2. 1. This post is a bisexual’s wet dream- Mia, Anne Hathaway AND Johnny Depp. Yums.

    2. All pot smokers and trippers think that any movie with swirly imagery was made for them. It’s cute.

    3. Marty McFly as the Queen’s henchman?? GENIUS!!!!!

    4. I dug the end. Go ahead and call me a feminist. I’ll still love you.

    I was terrified this movie would take one of my favorites (the Disney classic) and butcher it, a la Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It did a fair amount of justice to both the book and the cartoon, while being imaginative in and of itself. I hearted it.

    • My Most Beautifullest Shells!
      Underwear Doormat
      1. Yeah, pretty hot talent in the movie, for sure. We just saw it again yesterday with my little girl and it was nice to be able to sit back and enjoy it without worrying taking notes for the review.

      2. “It’s cute.” Exactly! You make me smile, Dood Princesse.

      3. Don’t even get me started on all the movies Crispin’s ruined.

      4. Don’t get me wrong. i agree the ending was cool and empowering, i just thought the whole waiting and buildup to the climax was a little boring and traditional for Tim Burton.

      i hearted it, too! You’re spot on that it was a nice balance among the book, cartoon and Burton’s own visions.

      Thanks for patronizing me, babe!

      Al K Hall

      PS Thanks for the add request on Facebook! i’m gonna hafta let it pass, though. It’s like i told Ken, “Thanks for the Facebook add, but i’m gonna let it slip. Like Miss Demeanor, there are so many people on her list that i’d be afraid of cross contamination. Your request is officially noted, though, and very much appreciated.”

      • But…but… how can you tease us with goodies in a previous post, and then deny said goodies?????

        I’m terrible with a tease. I’m too nosy, and far too instant gratification. Gimme gimme NOW NOW!!!

        Or email it to me then. 😛

  3. “If I was gay I’d screw Michelle Rodriguez.”

    So would I.

    So would I. Although It’d be a bitch getting past that Vin Diesel wanker.

    • More like “I’d be a bitch getting past that Vin Disel wanking.”

      Congrats on Mia, mate. Y’all know each other in Australia, right?

      Al K Hall

  4. Mia is driving me nuts as I am absolutly sure I’ve seen her before (especially after seeing her in this film), but looking at imdb, I’ve not msee anything listed. She’s either got a doppleganger or has been working under another name. Wish I could remember where I had seen her.

    I LOL at the fact that our little Clark Kent here doesn’t think anyone can see superman under his “beer-bottle” glasses.

    I dunno if Crispin was so bad here as he sdidn’t have a great deal to work with, but your vitrol has put me right off seeing the remake of Willard (really don’t like remakes anyway).

    I really can’t recommend Tin Man enough. It really surpassed my expectations. It was a tv mini-series so I’m not surprised you hadn’t heard of it, which makes me wonder if you got to see the wonderful Kindom Hospital or if (because Denmark is so much closer to Yemen) you saw the original Riget (which I’ve not yet got to see) ??

    • Mia does have that kind of face. She looks familiar to me, too, though i think it’s more a look-alike than its being her. Sorry i can’t help with where we’ve seen her! (Maybe in the toilets here in The Bar None?)

      Maybe you should see the remake, Miss D swears i’m too hard on the our Crispin-critter. Or maybe i’ll see it so i can rag on it and let you know if normal people would be interested in it.

      We actually did see Tin Man! i was a little confused because, obviously, the show had a different name here. We downloaded it and really enjoyed it. Zooey is just the cutest thing… i’ll keep an eye out for Kingdom Hospital.

      Thanks for patronizing me, Brother,

      Al K Hall

  5. “Then, once you’re about to peekle…”

    *snorkle* I love your intro paragraph. 🙂

    This is true, too, “The only problem (and it’s only a slight one, after all she’s done to us) is that she sobers up towards the end and you get the feeling she’s only going through the motions to finish us off. She wants to make us happy, sure, but she’s already got our money so she stops trying hard and becomes any other working girl.”

    In fact, the second time we saw it, I found myself drowsing off towards the end, just before the final battle, when I woke back up. I think that it ended well with Alice being the Champion (agreed with Shell that the feminist in me loves this part of the ending), but you’re right, it weakens sometime into the final third of the film and is going through the motions a bit.

    “For those of you who are more into Vorpel Swords than Rabbit Holes…” Oh you do make me laugh, Al. 😀

    What a fun and accurate review, Al. I’m glad I finally made it here.

    I really enjoyed being able to see this one twice. I love the story, I love the feminist leanings it has in it with the female champion, I love that it is a story about finding one’s Muchness, and I found myself really wishing I could be a young girl again, like Alice and have adventures in Wonderland. It made me mourn my youth/the dreams and fantasies of youth. It was like a female version of “Peter Pan” and kind of ended like how Wendy grows up and never again goes to Neverland… I guess it is alluded that Alice has real adventures in places like China as she grew older, but I know how history went down there, and by 1900, Alice would have likely been murdered in the Boxer Rebellion. I think she should have stayed in Wonderland, just as the “Life on Mars” dude (Brit version) stayed in the 1970s.

    This movie was also so fun to look at, from every aspect. I almost would have liked this to be a non-3D movie as it was almost distracting from the beauty that is already there without the 3D effects.

    I think every girl of age 8 and up should see this movie, then go and read the books.

    “Miss D swears i’m too hard on the our Crispin-critter” You ARE! He is so wonderfully weird, and while yes, he kind of has one speed as an actor, I really like that speed and it worked in this one, too.

    Finally, maaaaan. Our Helena must have been in the breastfeeding mode with one of her babies with Mr. Burton in that photo up there. Can we say hOOters! Wow. They are impressive!

    Love you.
    Miss D

    • Thanks for the props, my Love!

      Yeah, i totally agree that i kinda wished she’d stayed in Neverland! And thanks for the history lesson, Sweet.

      LOL, i thought the exact same thing about that one picture of HBC. Udderly ridiculous!

      i Love You,

      Al K Hall

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