Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Radiohead – No Surprises

[Press Play for No Surprises]

Ramblings: New York, i Like You As A Friend

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink in a New York bar? The patrons are a bag of mixed nuts ’cause some of them are light and others are dark, some poetic and others silly, some sad and some pretty boring. Most of them are sensitive and drink Manhattans like it’s a law and tell you their stories that are pretty cool, though occasionally a little slow or trite but sometimes the patron doin’ the tellin’ is cute and she means well and at least she’s paying for her own drinks and sometimes she even comes out with a tale that is truly beautiful and she doesn’t even slur so you end up passing a pleasant evening in this New York Bar but can’t help wondering if there isn’t something else more exciting happening out there somewhere. New York, I Love You is kinda like that.

James Caan, Olivia Thirlby, Anton Yelchin

For those of you out of the art film loop, New York… is the little sister of Paris, Je t’aime and basically follows the same premise which is to get a barful of directors to make short films about the respected cities using actors who are looking for art cred.

Julie Christie & Shia LaBeouf In The Bar None

Because i did both Paris, Je t’aime and NYILY i feel obligated to compare them. Paris threw me because i didn’t know what to expect when i saw it, but i certainly didn’t expect to see 18 3-minute movies and believe me, 3-minutes isn’t long enough to do much more than set up a story so it was like watching the beginning of 18 movies. Some of the shorts were fantastic and many of them were WTF?

Robin Wright & Chris Cooper In The Bar None

New York learned from Paris‘ mistakes by using fewer but longer vignettes and by having characters interact with each other to provide a vague sense on continuity. While none of New York‘s stories were as bad as Paris‘ bad ones, none of them shone like the diamonds in Paris, either. Which means New York is more balanced yet blander than Paris which is pro’lly true in real life, too.

Ethan Hawke & Maggie Q In Front Of The Bar None

So basically what we got here is a quilt of movies like sections of a city. Some parts of town are pretty cool, others too trendy and the rest places so boring you wouldn’t wanna go there on a bar bet without a box of wine and a rusty cutter.

Rachel Bilson, Andy Garcia & Hayden Christensen In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex:3 Shots

You wanna know how much talent was in this movie? Ask Miss Demeanor, she’ll tell you. It’s taken me days, literally, of hogging the ‘puter to wade through barrels of photos to get this crap together.

But enough about me, let’s talk about sex, baby. Definitely the most original sex scene (that they didn’t really show) is between Olivia Thirlby (the best friend in Juno and the hottie in The Wackness) and Anton Yelchin (the dude who plays the new Chekov in the new Star Trek). She’s in a wheelchair and after prom they go to a park and she throws a strap over a tree branch so she can hoist herself up before easing herself down onto Anton’s “Yelchin”. Enough about that, here’s the money shot of Olivia Thirlby (23), as Actress.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more shots down below in my drawers…

As for the actual nudity in the movie, well, there’s Drea de Matteo (as Lydia) with maybe a body double or maybe it’s really her in a sex scene with Bradley Cooper. Whatever, here’s the real deal…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

And here she is in The Bar None.

Apart from that, the sex and the nudity are done, babes. ‘Course there are a few babes… Like Rachel Bilson (28) who was super cute in the role of “Molly”. Sure, there wasn’t much acting required, she just had to be cute basically, but she did do that extremely well. Here’s the proof.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s gonna be more shots of her in my drawers. You gotta scroll down for the GQ wallpaper and a shot of her with her crazy ass tongue.

But before that, how could i not talk about Natalie Portman? Not only was she in Paris, Je t’aime and New York, I Love You (as Rifka), but she also directed a segment here (not the one she stars in, one that was way more boring and incomprehensible). Still, she’s Natalie Portman. Her last name pro’lly comes from some ancestor who owned a bar and so people kept saying “Port, man!” and she looks like this, so all is forgiven.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here she is in The Bar None.

Natalie Portman In The Bar None

Of course i got a lot more shots of her down in my drawers. Just scroll down.

What else do we got? What else do we got!? We got us Qi Shu, this hot 34-year-old Thai chick who used to do Asian soft porn before gracing us with her presence here as the coveted “Chinese Herbalist”. Here’s why i’m covetin’:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Al! How could you forget Maggie Q!?” Ha! i tell you. Ha! You think i didn’t notice her as “Call Girl”? Sure, at 30 she’s looking a little older than she did in Mission Impossible III or Balls Of Fury, but like a fine wine she gets better with age. Here’s what i mean.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

What could more exciting than that? Maggie Q in the Bar None, of course.

To finish up the established actresses, i’m gonna break an age record here. Julie Christie (who played Isabelle), at 69, is looking pretty damn good. Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you Julie Christie, then and now…

Silken Butterflies

These are those fleeting beauties whose time on the screen was all too brief.

Emilie Ohana, who played Zoe, the video artist with a lot of pizazz (and who was also in Paris, Je t’aime).

Not to mention Jordann Beal (21), who does a superb job as “Prom guest”. It’ll be good practice for when she goes to her first real one.

For those of you who are more into Skyscrapers than Potholes, i offer up:

Anton Yelchin (21), as Boy in the Park.

Bradley Cooper (35), as Gus.

Ethan Hawke (39), as Writer.

Orlando Bloom (33), as David.

And Shia LaBeouf (33), as Jacob.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A lot of references, if not much significance:

  • Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson drink gin & tonics with no ice in a bar
  • Prom dates drink champagne from the bottle in a park
  • Drea de Matteo promises herself to stop at 2 drinks during her date
  • Bradley Cooper drinks a Jameson in the bar
  • Zoe drinks a glass of red wine in a bar while working on her laptop
  • Shia and Julie share a glass of champagne in her hotel room
  • The painter drinks straight from the bottle while he works and then he passes out and dies (pro’lly) from drinking

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The Radiohead up top is all you’ll get.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Hu Hong & Meng Yao, Israel Horovitz, Suketu Mehta, Olivier Lecot, Jeff Nathanson, Xan Cassavetes, Stephen Winter, Anthony Minghella, Natalie Portman, Fatih Akin, Joshua Marston, Hall Powell, James Strouse

Directed by: Fatih Akin, Yvan Attal, Allen Hughes, Shunji Iwai, Wen Jiang, Joshua Marston, Mira Nair, Brett Ratner, Randall Balsmeyer, Shekhar Kapur, Natalie Portman

Starring

Rachel Bilson – Molly (segment “Jiang Wen”)
Maggie Q – Call Girl (segment “Yvan Attal”)
Julie Christie – Isabelle (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Drea de Matteo – Lydia (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Olivia Thirlby – Actress (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Qi Shu – Chinese herbalist
Emilie Ohana – Zoe—the Video Artist
Anton Yelchin – Boy in the Park (segment “Brett Ratner”)
Shia LaBeouf – Jacob (segment “Shekhar Kapur”)
Bradley Cooper – Gus (segment “Allen Hughes”)
Orlando Bloom – David (segment “Shunji Iwai”)
Ethan Hawke – Writer (segment “Yvan Attal”)

Bottom Line

See it on a Sunday on DVD but drink vodka & Redbull and invite someone you love (or like to see naked) for the boring parts.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more writing, just eye shots. You know where the exit is…

Rachel Bilson (28)

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Rachel Bilson And Her Crazy Tongue

Drea de Matteo (38)

Olivia Thirlby (23)

Olivia Thirlby In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Still In The Bar None

Olivia Thirlby Can't Leave The Bar None

Natalie Portman (28)

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman See Through

Natalie Portman Side Boob

Natalie Portman Nip Slip

New York Loves Nathalie Portman

Natalie Portman Loves Scarlett Johansson

Qi Shu (34)

Maggie Q (30)

8 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NEW YORK, I LOVE YOU

  1. Ah, radiohead. From the movie or just really apro?

    I could imagine this movie without ever having seen it. I worked for a company for eight years (personal record) that, while a world wide outfit, was founded and based in Rochester, New York. Somehow those favored for the board and upper management were New Yorkers and each was a unique story in function and dysfunction (I should write memiors and a screenplay and I could get additional traction from the local managers that were a bit more diverse in their origin). The effect of working for this company was like being the common character tying together an ensamble peice like this.

    The Thirlby scene doesn’t shock as much as impress after doing habitat restoration with a quadrapeligic. Where there is a will, there is a way to the really creative.

    I love the shot of Portman “in the bar-none”. Is that Keanue Reeves thinking he’d like to do a “scene” with her?

    It is a shame that there are not more porn cross-over stars. I mean, if there was ever proof someone can act, doing the same thing for the millionth time and “acting” like it was the first…

    Ah, one of the writers is Xan Cassavetes. Like the incestuous royalty of europe, we would expect great things from the name alone.

    • Radiohead from the movie…

      Here’s the sequence in its entirety, directed by Yvan Atal (Frenchie, married to Charlotte Gainsbourg) with Robin Wright and Chris Cooper. “No Surprises” comes in at the end (around 6’10”).

      Cool story! Sounds like a book i’d love to read. And it does sound a lot like the movie.

      The Thirlby scene came off as more funny than shocking and worked well. James Caan was in that scene as well, as the dad, and it was nice to see him doing something cool again.

      Yeah, the Nath shot was a nice one. i’m pretty sure, however, the guy is just a stoner Keneau (or whatever) look alike.

      And i’ll drink to porn crossover stars! Sasha Grey had some good reviews for the Soderbergh The Girlfriend Experience, which ‘comes’ right after Live In My Secrets on her extensive and impressive IMDB film list.

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother!

      Al K Hall

      • Funny thing was that boss who was complaining about Californians was deathly afraid of flying and instead of just getting drunk and going home to Rochester in one shot, she’s make quick little fifteen to thirty minute hops around the country a couple of times a year to see her family (whack job).

      • Which, i’m sure, everyone told her was way more dangerous as the vast majority of all plane accidents happen on takeoffs and landings!

  2. Julie Christie then: HOT
    Julie Christie now: MILF.

    Some awesome pikchers, that’s fer sure. Tell Miss D I appreciate you having the time to find ’em!

    • Thanks for the props, brother!

      i’ll pass on your message to Miss D.

      And thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

    • Totally agreed about JC!!

      No prob, Rodney. 🙂

      The review is spot-on. I’d like to be able to see it again to see if I could love it as much as Paris, j’taime.I doubt I ever will, though (love PJT any less, even with the WTF stories. I kind of love the WTF ones now, too…).

      My only other thought: maaaaan, NP has teeny-tiny button nipples. LOL.

      • teeny-tiny button nipples

        i’mma make you my official nipple describer from here on out, babe. Just sayin’.

        Al K Hall

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