Lindsay Lohan: SCRAM!?

You know how my blog is my temple, right? The Bar None has its Patron Deity (David Hasselhoff), its Patron Sain’t (Kiefer Sutherland) and now its Bar Nun: Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan At The Bar None

[From the juiced-box and from one lush to another: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good]

Y’all know by now that on May 24th, LA Judge Marsha Revel (and you’d think a judge named ‘Revel’ would know better) committed a crime against humanity by actually forbidding Lindsay from drinking any alcohol at all. Our Bar Nun now sports a new fashion accessory: The SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor).

Here’s Lindsay on the catty walk with her ankle jewelry:

Look, i’m not gonna drag this out longer than i have to. Suffice to say, if she can’t get drunk in real life, she’s more than welcome to hang out here and get all the virtual buzz on that she wants. They still haven’t found a way to take that from us.

Here’s what i’m talkin’ ’bout… Lindsay in The Bar None.

i’ll leave with you some shots of our Bar Nun in better times.

The indie shots are available after the wallpaper…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper

Re:Runs The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With Kevin Renick

UPDATE:

Kevin sent me these pictures of his meeting with THE Erin McGrane (who i also interviewed for The Booze Talkin’). The nice thing about this whole meeting is that it came about because of your humble servitor and The Bar None…

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Way back in February 2010 i had the immense pleasure of interviewing a talented singer/songwriter featured in the closing credits of Jason Reitman’s Up In The Air. Since then, Kevin Renick’s CD has become available through mp3 download, and in honor of this event i’m reposting my exclusive interview with him. For two reasons. The first is because y’all should buy the album (it costs next to nothing) and the second reason is, this is one of my most favorite interviews ever.

Click On The Image To See The YouTube Video

The Coolest Guy i’ve Never Met

From the juiced-box (and a song i even paid (a buck!) for): Kevin Renick – Close To Something Beautiful

[Press ‘Play’ to be serenaded]

Y’all remember i posted a Booze Revooze of Up In The Air, right? Well, at the end of the review i talked about Kevin Renick, an unemployed guy who decided to turn his misfortune into a sign by devoting his life full-time to his dream of being a singer/songwriter. He gave a cassette tape of the song “Up In The Air” to director Jason Reitman, who included the song as it was originally recorded at the end credits of the movie.

Not only did Kevin not yell at me for stealing the song and posting it in the end credits of my review, he even linked this Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker on his website: http://www.kevinrenick.com/. How cool is that! So, obviously, i hit him up for an interview, to which he graciously obliged, and what follows is one hell of an interview (if i don’t screw it up!). He is a genuinely cool guy and i’ve had a great time hanging out with him in The Bar None.

Don’t forget that no one has been able to convince me to stop doing the stupid mad-libbed intros. Kevin was nice enough to play along. Remember, i just asked him to give me specific words that i then plugged into this intro. He had no idea what the text was, he just provided me a list of words (that i’ve underlined for your reading pleasure).

You ever get wasted in Bergen, Norway? Well i did and stumbled into some place called The Stagger Inn. On stage was this cool folk singer who was rocking way out to a cover of Brian Capps’ “Two Nights Without Sleep”. i sobered up enough to light my miniskirt and wave it around over my head until the set was over. He communicated over to my table and let me buy him a Yes, Please. As i slurred my questions, he chuckled potently and did his utmost to understand.

Al K Hall: Man, that’s a freaking good song. Did you pick that up here in Norway or—where is it you’re from again?

Kevin Renick: Born and raised in Kirkwood, Missouri…a tree-rich suburb of St. Louis.

Al K Hall: Sounds lovely. Before we get any closer, what should i call you? ‘Mr Renick’ sounds too official. You got any other handles?

Kevin Renick: My very close friends call me “Kev”. A few friends started calling me “Commander” some years back due to my periodic habit of saluting when we parted at the end of a get-together.

Al K Hall: i’d call you “Commander Kevin” but that sounds too 1970s stop-motion, Saturday morning kids’ programming. How ’bout i just stick with “Kevin” for now and we’ll see where that takes us. You look mighty young, Kevin. How old are you again?

Kevin: “Old enough to repay, but young enough to sell,” to quote Neil Young.

Al K Hall: Is there a Mrs Commander pining away for you in Missouri?

Kevin: Nah, I’m single, but attached…with different lengths of tentacle for each of those I’m attached to.

Al K Hall: Yeah, i got that whole tentacle thing going on, too, and mine for you is growing. [Kevin starts to freak, so i gulp my drink before i say anything else stupid.] Hey, don’t you feel a little guilty that you’re so talented and the rest of the world just isn’t?

Kevin: Not at all…the great cosmic commander put various creative thingies in all of us, and it’s our duty to suss that out and act on it. I only feel guilty for taking so damn long to put myself out there. I’m making up for it by writing a new song every week and answering every single adoring email I get.

Al K Hall: Yeah, and even drunken pleas for interviews. You rock, man. Tell me, what kind of guy are you to hang out with?

Kevin: I think I’m pretty entertaining. I’m a first-class conversationalist, and I shy away from nothing in conversation. And, since I love drinking and handle it well, I am perhaps one of the greatest drinking companions any guy or girl could have. I’m serious about that.

Photograph by Diana Linsley

Al K Hall: Hell, i can see it already. What kind of bar do you like?

Kevin: I love bars, love good drinks and love the kind of bold, unpredictable conversation that a great bar and good drinks can inspire. I tend to like bars with atmosphere, where the music is not too loud and the bartenders are extra friendly and witty. Little roadside bars out of town are among the best, and places that have a theme or fun name.

Al K Hall: Babe! You just described The Bar None! Thanks for the props. If you’re not in a bar, where can people other than me who’s always in a bar, find you?

Kevin: In warm weather: wineries. At home with my guitar. In the company of attractive women. Bookstores. When I can, I like to travel…I like being in my car on the road, going to visit cool friends or going to out of town gigs. But I’m restless these days…my life has dramatically changed, so I am sort of in limbo-land.

Al K Hall: i guess that means we’ll be seeing a lot of each other because i spend tons of time in Limbo-Land. But enough about pole dances, let’s talk about Up In The Air. In the seconds i burned on research for this interview, i accidentally found something relevant: Jason Reitman’s interview where he discusses how he got your beautiful song “Up In The Air”. Can you tell us, in your own words (and if you’re not too tired of telling it) your slant on how it went down? What made you go to the lecture in the first place?

Kevin: I went to the lecture because I was tired of being a creative wuss, and was bound and determined to get my song into Jason Reitman’s hands. Here was a major director coming to a prominent university in St. Louis, to talk about a movie that had the same title as a song I wrote. Incredible coincidence, and I had no excuse not to do everything in my power to give him the song—even if I didn’t have a digital recorder and had to tape the song on a cassette. Reitman was there to talk about his film career, and although part of me thought I was foolish to show up with the expectation of giving him my song, I had to try. Life is too short not to take chances.

Al K Hall: Amen, Brother. What’s your impression of Jason Reitman? Have ya’ll been in contact since the film’s release?

Kevin: I think Reitman is a very cool, unconventional, open-minded, visionary kind of guy. He keeps himself open to odd little quirks of fate, and changing circumstances, and that allows him to make films that are rich and multi-dimensional. The only contact I had with him was when we shouted out to each other at the St. Louis premiere of UITA. However, I wrote him a long letter which I gave to someone to pass on to him. I don’t know if he received it or not. At some point, I know we will communicate with each other again. I’m so grateful to him for opening doors for me.

Al K Hall: How’d the idea for the song “Up In The Air” come about? Did you write it before or after you knew the film’s title?

Kevin: I wrote “Up in the Air” well before the film went into production. I had the title and the concept already…the movie did not influence the song. It’s a coincidence that they are so well-matched thematically. The song came about because of my angst-ridden fear of the future, and a desperate wish for life to make sense, and to know that somehow I was going to make it. Which, of course, none of us can never really know, despite our best intentions.

Al K Hall: Did you see the movie in the theater after the release? Who did you go with?

Kevin: I’ve seen the movie multiple times…the first time was the sold-out St. Louis premiere at the SLIFF festival. I had a bunch of my close friends with me at that screening, and Reitman was in the audience. Since then, I’ve gone to “regular” screenings with several friends. At one of them, the girl I was with stood up and announced to people right as the credits rolled that they should not leave the theatre, because the guy who wrote the song coming up was right here next to her. This embarrassed the hell out of me, but I got a nice round of applause and a bunch of people coming up to me afterward wanting photos or autographs.

Photograph by Bryan Sutter

Al K Hall: What a kick ass story! Man, i wish i had a song at the end credits of an excellent movie so Miss Demeanor could embarrass me like that. What was your overall impression of the film? What about your song?

Kevin: I liked the movie a lot, found it a fascinating character study of three egocentric people who go through changes in unexpected ways, as well as a portrait of a fractured, techno-dysfunctional, angst-ridden time in America. My song is so personal that it’s weird for me to experience it in the movie theatre like that, at the end of the credits. But it sure does echo the movie’s major themes. Reitman had to cut a few verses, of course, to make the song fit.

Al K Hall: So why don’t you play the whole thing for us now, while i magically continue to interview you?

Kevin Renick – Up In The Air

Al K Hall: Awesome… Honestly, aren’t you kinda pissed that your song wasn’t nominated for an Oscar?

Kevin: I’m not really pissed, no. I think the rules of the music branch of the Academy are pretty arcane and not in keeping with the different ways music is created and recorded these days. Honestly, though, there wasn’t much chance that what was essentially a home demo was going to be nominated. But I got plenty of attention for my story, and at least half a dozen bloggers who said my song was one of the best of the year, so that’s some nice consolation there!

Al K Hall: Yep, and i’m one of those bloggers. Small world. Speaking of the Web… Brother, looking at your website, you got a lot of irons on the fire! It would seem that your upcoming CD release of Close To Something Beautiful is the hottest. What kind of music is it?

Kevin: My debut CD has a variety of styles, something I am determined to do in my career. There are some rockers, like “Call It, Friend-o” (inspired by the movie No Country For Old Men), some Neil Young-style folk-rock tunes, a dreamy tribute to the actress Rachel McAdams (the song is actually called “Rachel McAdams”), a ballad about my favorite high school teacher, and a bouncy little children’s song called “Read A Book” which is my impassioned plea to remind people of the joys of reading actual books instead of sitting at their computer all day.

Clicking On The Picture Will Take You To The Booze Revooze Of Sherlock Holmes Where i Exposé Rachel McAdams

Al K Hall: How’d you come up with the title “Close To Something Beautiful”?

Kevin: The title song sums up one of my ongoing destinations during the stress and depression of modern life… How close can you get to things that matter, things that are clearly “beautiful” and emotionally cleansing? In a few verses, I try to sum up part of my search, and it seems to be a song that people respond to. There’s a YouTube video of me and a friend doing an acoustic version of it. As for where you can get my CD, watch my website for details. It should be available by early March through direct mail order, on CD Baby.com, and hopefully on iTunes as well.

Al K Hall: i see in the video you’re playing with a guy—in the musical sense, i mean. Is the CD with your support group or solo?

Kevin: I recorded the CD with half a dozen talented, special friends. Most significant were Ned Watson of the blues rock trio The Blue Lemmings, and my close friend Ted Moniak, who understands my peculiar musical aesthetic better than anyone else. Ned and Ted are both energetic, creative multi-instrumentalists.

Al K Hall: Got any embarrassing dirt on them?

Kevin: Well, Ned is way older than me and parties hard, and Ted is slightly deranged and talks too much and parties hard. But they are both stellar musicians and good friends.

Al K Hall: Have you been touring recently to support the CD? Any debaucherous road stories?

Kevin: I’ve mostly played locally. I am just beginning to line up gigs out of town, but I sure look forward to having some road stories! Can hardly wait to throw my first TV out a hotel window, or have a sordid party mixing groupies, amphibians and blueberry vodka! Kidding!

Al K Hall: Babe, i’m not! That sounds great! So what’s your schedule like?

Kevin: I have two gigs in St. Louis later this month, and hopefully one in Chicago in late March, and a private gig in Texas in April. I want to play at colleges and universities. I love college students…they’re my peeps, along with angst-ridden singles or anyone who just broke up and has lost the meaning of life. Hey, I’ve got songs for y’all!

Al K Hall: Yeah, i love college students, too. But enough about my fantasy life… Your website also talks about a spoken word project with Canadian musician John Sobocan? What’s up with that?

Kevin: John is “a wizard, a true star.” He’s the Canadian Brian Eno. We did an amazing record called The Road to Olandra which is rather esoteric…it’s my verbal ruminations about life, nature and solitude, set to Eno-esque backing tracks that John conjured with uncanny intuition. We do have a MySpace site here: Olandra. I’d like for this CD to be out by spring. My goal is to sell over a dozen copies! John is shooting for TWO dozen! For the right sort of person, it could be an engrossing listen, I hope.

Al K Hall: Hell, get me drunk enough and i’ll buy a couple dozen myself. ‘Course get me drunk enough and i forget about college babes, so…

Al K Hall: On a more serious note, i read that you lost your mother last April. My sincerest condolences and a toast to those who’ve taught us more than we will ever learn. It would seem something comforting has come from her passing, though, in the form of another CD project, Our Mother’s Place. How did you get the idea for that? How far along in recording that are you?

Kevin: My mom was the most important person in my life, and losing her virtually erased a chunk of my personality and a lot of my faith in the future. It was traumatic. Before the “Up in the Air” thing even happened, I’d written a bunch of songs either about my mom, or about the process of grieving. I really believed in these songs and thought I’d written some real gems. I thought this album was going to be my debut. When “Up in the Air” hit big, it became necessary to do a more diverse, accessible CD and I changed course. But I am now hard at work on the second CD, and really need to pay tribute to my mom before I can creatively go forward. I have 18 or 19 songs written for Our Mother’s Place, and I’m not sure how many will make the final track list. Two songs have been recorded so far, and I’ll be heading into the studio in March to do a bunch more.

Al K Hall: Is there a message you want the tunes to convey?

Kevin: Yeah, that a loving mother is one of the most amazing gifts we’re given, something that molds most of us in ways we can’t even begin to understand until later in life. And also that grief knows no rules…it follows its own path. Grief needs time, friends to understand, and an outlet for its expression. The songs I’ve performed from this CD at gigs have really made an impact, I have to say. Everyone I know has experienced an intense loss of some sort, and my aim has been to write cathartic, beautiful songs about that experience.

Al K Hall: How ’bout you play us one?

Kevin Renick – All I Want Is…

[Press ‘Play’ for a world exclusive—a special shout out to Kevin for sharing it with me]

Photograph by Bryan Sutter

Al K Hall: Beautiful. If the rest of the CD is that solid, you’re gonna have a big hit on your hands. On top of all that, you’ve also got tons of writing projects going on. What are you most psyched about?

Kevin: Yeah, I always have multiple projects, it seems. I’m already mapping out my third CD, even though I’m just beginning the second! I have a book of “existential poetry and autobiographical meditations” that is pretty much done. But in terms of potential excitement, I am well into writing a novel that could be very interesting. I don’t talk about it much because some of the ideas in it are so good I am paranoid someone will heist them! But I will say that it’s a novel that combines a bizarre supernatural horror element with a passionate love affair between two Wisconsin writers. The music group the Cocteau Twins feature heavily in the story. My main character is an ethereal woman whom I want to be played by Emmy Rossum or Rachel McAdams in the movie version. That’s all I can say right now…the plot is top secret!

Emmy Rossum

Al K Hall: Yeah, you don’t gotta worry about me stealing stuff. i have no recall. When i wake up, i consider myself lucky if i can remember to pee before it’s too late. Hey, you got any other projects in the pipeline i should know about?

Kevin: I’ve begun work on an improvisational, “sonic travelogue” recording with John, Ted and my friend Gretchen Hewitt. We’re aiming to make beautiful, hypnotic, unpredictable semi-ambient music that evokes different places and moods. You can also be the first to hear that I’ve written a song about J.D. Salinger that I hope to shoot a video for. I’m going to perform it for the first time at a gig next week. And a weird, ongoing side project of mine is a “history of bird song in music.” I’m fascinated by birds, and the different ways bird songs or calls have been used as either sonic coloring in music, or inspiration for the songs themselves. I’ve amassed quite alot of recordings for this project.

Al K Hall: Sounds trippy. Let me know when the Salinger song is ready. i’m a huge fan of his, always have been, and not just the good stuff either. [Kevin can tell i’m kidding about that ‘not just the good stuff’ part.] So, if a booking agent or muscial director is interested in contacting you, what’s the best way?

Kevin: They can reach me through the website quite easily. The last page of my site has contact info.

Al K Hall: Speaking of contacting you, do you have a few words for your many fans?

Kevin: Yes, I do. Every single one of you matters to me. No artist or musician is anything without people to hear and appreciate what they do. Every person who has enjoyed or related to “Up in the Air” and has written to me about it, has touched me with their thoughts and comments and inspired me to do more. Keep writing me, guys. I plan to answer every one of you personally until the day comes when it is so time-consuming I can’t continue. I like this part of my career, when the responses come in just a few every day, and I can write people back, get to know them, and share my own thoughts and advice with them. So…I encourage correspondence! Especially from beautiful women and rich people! (Again, just kidding!)

Al K Hall: Excellent. Now, to wrap this puppy up, we have the traditional Bar None questionnaire. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Kevin: All of ’em! Seriously, I am partial to vodka-based drinks these days. Love vodka/cran combinations, and have developed a thing for blueberry vodka. I’ve also turned into a bit of a wine connoisseur…just love good wine. Sort of partial to rieslings, chardonnay and pinot noir. I love the movie Sideways for how it pays tribute to the art of wine drinking.

Al K Hall: i’m like that about wine too, except the ‘connoisseur’ part. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Kevin: I actually pride myself on being an advanced, balanced drinker.

Al K Hall: Lucky bastard. i’m what you’d call a ‘remedial drinker’.

Kevin: I almost never get hangovers any more. I think maybe a few years ago I got a little bit of a headache, but nothing that bad.

Al K Hall: You lucky, lucky bastard. Do you smoke?

Kevin: I don’t smoke. Ugh. Don’t like being around smoke.

Al K Hall: Sorry about the ash i got on your pants, man. What’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Kevin: It’s hard to beat “shit” and “fuck”. They are all-purpose swear words. Nothing is quite as cathartic, especially in traffic, as yelling out “You motherfucking piece of shit!” I swear with some of my male friends, but tend not to do that when ladies are around unless I know them real well.

Al K Hall: Yeah, the bitches. [Thankfully Kevin knows i’m just kidding again.] Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Kevin: Your awesome website, your appreciation for lovely female celebrities and your drink-centric view of the universe, which requires balls and creativity! Two things you obviously have in spades, sir!

Al K Hall: Three, actually, if you count each ball. Nah, seriously, thanks for the love, Brother. Now just tell our waitress that and we’ll be set.

Kevin: Sure thing. You said this round was on you, right?

[This interview comes to an abrupt end.]

Afterwards

Here’s me reminding you that, unfortunately, Kevin and i never met in Norway or anywhere else in real life. The interview as done through e-mail, where i sent him a list of questions and he answered ’em. i added the other crap afterwards to make it look like we were in a bar, but i haven’t changed any of his responses in any way.

To conclude, i’d like to thank Kevin for not freaking out at any point during our exchanges. Kevin is not only a talented performer but a great interview and a sincerely nice guy. If you don’t believe me (and especially if you do) do yourself a nice one and stop by his website and Facebook Fan page. Drop him a line, tell him i sent you, and ask him when he’s appearing at a bar near you. As you’ve heard, his music is as cool as he is and you’ll be able to say you knew him when.

As for me, i’m looking forward to the moment fate puts him and me together in the same bar. For real.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of DATE NIGHT

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Nickelback – Burn It To The Ground

Ramblings: Stood Up

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a blind date? You saw the babe’s picture first and she looked cute and you figure you may as well give her a shot because it beats drinking alone. You come to The Bar None and put a few back and have a decent time, she makes you laugh a little and while she’s not a fascinating date, you have a better time than you thought you would because you know this girl’s “type” (a little romantic and pretty middle of the road) and she turns out to be not as mundane as you’d feared. Only problem is she doesn’t get drunk, doesn’t let go and doesn’t go crazy. So while you have a pleasant time, you know you’re not going to see her again. That’s what Date Night was like.

i was super worried that Date Night was gonna end up a romantic comedy and y’all know by now how rom-coms make me ass vomit. There was really only one “romantic” moment where Claire and Phil Foster (Tina Fey / Steve Carell) are in a car analyzing their relationship and, fortunately, it passes as quickly as light beer on an empty stomach. Date Night is definitely more com than rom and is all the better for it.

A big part of the comedy, of course, was the cast. And not just the team of Tina Fey / Steve Carell. Sure, they did a solid job but they were a sure thing. The nice surprise was all the people they brought with them on Date Night. We got Mark Ruffalo and Kristen Wiig as the divorcing friends, James Franco and Mila Kunis as a couple of entry level criminals, as well as appearances by Ari Graynor and Olivia Munn. Not to mention a Mark Wahlberg who refuses to put on his shirt. Too bad Leighton Meester, who plays the baby sitter, didn’t do the same.

Like with any rendez-vous, however, there were some slow spots. One of the problems i had with Date Night is Martin Scorsese. He made this very excellent movie called After Hours with Griffin Dunne (Desperately Seeking Susan) before he was sucked into the black hole of Hollywood’s vacuumous abyss. Scorsese made this comedy about a guy stuck in New York at night and all the crap he goes through trying to escape. So yeah, kinda exactly like Date Night. But 25 years earlier. And funnier.

But i’m not gonna sit here and rag on my Date Night behind it’s back—i’m not that kinda guy. Apart from a couple (really big) WTF moments, this babe was nice enough to look at and an entertaining time. i got to laugh out loud a couple times and how often does that happen? i’m not gonna take her home and try to get her drunk, though, because this is the kind of movie you sleep to, not with. Sure, i’d be happy to introduce her to my folks but do you really want to spend a long time with someone your parents adore?

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 ½ Shots

From the juiced-box, the soundtrack, and dedicated to all these young lovelies: Teddybears & Mad Cobra – Cobrastyle

What we got here is a PG-13, which means it’s Pretty Gay if you’re over 13 because if you’re looking for sex you’re gonna be left high & dry, and more “dry” than “high”.

The closest you’ll get is a kinda long scene in a “strip” club where no one does, including Tina Fey in a hot outfit who then proceeds to do an amusing pole dance with Steve Carell. Oh yeah, plus there’s a shot of Tina adjusting her own boobs. And she says “bitch”, i love the way a woman’s lips wrap themselves around that word.

You know who freaked me out, though, in a good way? Tina Fey (40). She’s unknown in Yeman and as i’ve been here for 20+ years, i never got to see her on SNL and 30 Rock doesn’t exist in this place due to the fact that American humor translates about as well here as a drunk redneck interpreter at a Thai lady-boy convention. Point being, i discovered her in Date Night and liked what i found. She seems like the kind of intelligent, quirky babe who doesn’t know how cool she is or how good she looks so she’s always making fun of herself and never takes herself too seriously. Works for me.

Also, and you regulars pro’lly noticed this about me, what i like about a woman’s looks is what makes her look different from all other women. Like how i made a drinking game out of Rachel Adams’ beauty marks or obsess over Mélanie Laurent’s mole, i’m intrigued by Tina Fey’s scar and find it eerily attractive as it makes her uniquely her. (Creepily enough, she got it as a 5-year-old when she was playing in her front yard and a stranger walked up and cut her for no reason.)

Anyway, i think she’s sexy and i’ll take on any of y’all who say different—as long as your definition of “take on” doesn’t involve fisticuffs. Here are my arguments:

Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her below, in my drawers. Just scroll down, you can’t miss ’em.

As i said before, Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl‘s Blair Waldorf—24) plays the baby sitter. Unfortunately, this movie was called Date Night and not Bad Dad Does Naughty Babysitter After Date Night. Doesn’t mean that Leighton’s not hot, though.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i got more shots of her in my drawers, too. Just look down, all the way down. You won’t believe the collage of her and Blake Lively…

Then there was the Mila Kunis (26) cameo. You might remember her from when i exposéed her in the Booze Revooze of The Book Of Eli. She plays one half of a bad ass duo, with James Franco as her lesser half.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i got more shots of her lining my drawers. Go down…

Silken Butterflies

Making an all-too brief appearance here was Olivia Munn (29) you may remember her from my exposée in the Booze Revooze of Iron Man 2, where she was Chess Roberts) who played a Hostess at the Claw, a chic Manhattan restaurant the Fosters go to.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Another repeat offenser here in The Bar None is Ari Graynor (27), who i already introduced to y’all ’cause of Whip It where she put on the skates as Eva Destruction. Here she plays this hottie blonde in Phil Foster’s tax office. In The Bar None, she just plays a hottie.

Last but certainly not least is the charming Stacey Scowley. She was a book club member for only the briefest of moments, but i’m hoping to see a lot more of her later.

The Photo Links To Her Website

For those of you who prefer Buddies to Butties, we got Steve Carell (37):

Mark Wahlberg (38) smokin’:

James Franco (32):

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

Some casual references but nothing serious. Here’s the blow-by-blow:

  • Brad (Mark Ruffalo) has a bottle of beer while explaining to Phil (Steve Carell) that he and his wife are separating
  • [Phil and Claire (Tina Fey) have] Chardonnays at the bar
  • [Reference made to the fact that it’s] Bad luck to toast with an empty glass
  • [Phil and Clair drink] Expensive red wine at The Claw
  • [Phil] Vomits after the excitement; “Is that blood?” “No, it’s Cabernet.”
  • Mafia guy (Ray Liotta) has wine in bar
  • Crenshaw [William Fichtner] drinks whiskey on the rocks in the strip club

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

More funny than rock and roll. There’s the Nickleback up top and then there’s this, which kicks off the movie.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Ramones – Blitzkrieg Bop

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Josh Klausner

Directed by: Shawn Levy

Starring

Tina Fey – Claire Foster
Leighton Meester – Katy
Mila Kunis – Whippit
Olivia Munn – Claw Hostess
Ari Graynor – Young Woman
Stacey Scowley – Book Club Member
Kristen Wiig – Haley Sullivan
Steve Carell – Phil Foster
Mark Wahlberg – Holbrooke
Mark Ruffalo – Brad Sullivan
James Franco – Taste

Bottom Line

The kind of date you might want to make at a matinée so you don’t have to spend too much on it. Either that or wait for it to come on DVD.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Tina Fey (40)

Leighton Meester (24)

Leighton Meester With Blake Lively --- Click On Shot For A Wallpaper

Mila Kunis (26)

Drink Mating: My Heart Is Thirsty

Here’s the freakin’ idea of the Century. Internet dating through empties. You buy a bottle of cheap wine (which is called “Soif de Coeur”, or “Thirsty Heart” in French) and drink at least ¾s of it to find a secret code inside, at the bottom of the back label.

The Code Is The Smudge At The Bottom Of The Back Label

After you’re sufficiently buzzed, you try to decipher the illegible scrawl through the warped glass. Think of it as a drunk test. Then you surf onto the A Thirst For Romance website, where another drunk test awaits ’cause you have to enter your code.

After that, you have to do things like remember your name and birthdate. And what language you speak (which is trickier than it seems, as “drunk” isn’t one of the options).

Then, all you do is sit back and wait for someone who also drinks cheap wine and looks for romance in the bottom of empty bottles.

As you can see, my soul mate is on his/her way. i just hope he/she isn’t driving to get here.

i’ll keep you posted.

[AlKHallism: Just in case you’re wondering, Miss Demeanor is fully aware of this experiment and does not feel threatened by anything the dregs of the net could throw up at me.]

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With KATRENA ROCHELL

[AlKHallism: All photos link either to Katrena’s IMDB page or her resumé.]

From the juiced-box and one of Katrena’s favorite bands: The Kings Of Leon – Sex On Fire

Remember how just a couple days ago i Booze Revoozed Kick-Ass? i was all witty and stuff, talking about how Kick-Ass did, right? Well, one of the kick-assest things about the flick was most definitely Katrena Rochell, this drop-dead gorgeous brunette who plays the role of “Rita The Junkie” with gusto.

As y’all know, women this attractive and talented usually avoid me like something you gotta go to a clinic to get taken care of but, like vodka after the lights go out, i took a shot in the dark and got a hold of Katrena. Hold on to your bar stools, ’cause Kat showed just how heavy her mettle is by going where precious few have gone before: into the maw of the Bar None for an interview. Jesus, i don’t think i’ve been this nervous since i tried to buy a bottle of Boone’s Farm with a bad fake ID for my junior prom.

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of KICK-ASS


[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die

[Press ‘Play’ for a Gossip Grrrl]

Ramblings: Kick-Ass Does

Final Proof: 4 1/2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a kid on his 21st birthday? You meet him at his place and the night starts off slowly while you get to know him but you like him right from the get-go because he’s funny and kinda cute and reminds you of yourself a little when he was your age and he has the coolest attitude pro’lly because you get the vibe that he likes you back and that even if the whole party is about him, he wants to be sure you have a good time, too. Then, when the party really kicks off, he’s a sweet drunk that knows a lot of other cool kids and hot girls who are way too young for you but that really doesn’t matter because you’re not there to hook up, just have a good time and, man, do you ever have a good time. It’s one of those nights where things just fall into place and you have all these crazy adventures involving hottie-stalking drug dealers and microwaves big enough to nuke a man but you know it’s that kind of night where the worse thing that could ever happen is the locals complain you’re laughing too hard. The best thing about this kind of night where you tie one on with a kid who’s legally a grown up but is still just a geeky kid? You know from the very beginning you’re not gonna have a hangover the day after. Yeah, Kick-Ass is just like that kid and just like that night.

You know what Kick-Ass has? Balls. A huge set. Balls the size of baby heads. i swear to god, you ain’t never seen an Ass with such big balls. ‘Cause it woulda been so easy to go all PG-13 on this flick but to do that would be to castrate the bastard and you know what that means. It means Kick-Ass would have no balls.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you that Kick-Ass is too violent. Don’t listen to that bull. The film needs to be violent on a congenital level to fulfill its destiny. To make a movie for those who share the age of the actors would be to castrate the film, and you know what that means so don’t make me go there again.

Think about it. Chloë Grace Moretz was 12 while making the movie, which means she’s too young to see it because her character violently kills tons of people, uses the ‘C’ word once and the ‘F’ word a couple times. But if she had said “you jerks” and “screw you” instead, the movie woulda sucked. Matthew Vaughn, the director, made a ballsy choice to go balls out on this film and it pays off big time.

The thing i appreciated most about Kick-Ass was its ability to constantly surprise me throughout. i love movies that take standard clichés and put them on their ass. From the young super hero wanna-be who never becomes one to Damon Macready shooting his daughter Mindy, i was frequently caught off guard and if you’ve seen as many movies as i have, seeing the unpredictable is refreshing. OK, the ending gets as traditional as cheap wine at a Thanksgiving dinner with your grandparents, but the incredibly shot action scenes kept me from falling asleep.

As for the actors, well, i thought Aaron Johnson did a Kick-Ass job as Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass and Nicolas Cage wasn’t bad enough to destroy the movie. i’m thinking Matthew Vaughn cut his scenes to a bare minimum to reduce the risk of another Ghost Rider crash & burn.

To wrap this up, you never read my Booze Revooze of 500 Days of Summer but you shoulda. If you had, you would know what kind of wild genius i am. i don’t wanna gush too much about myself because that would imply masturbation but who was it that said about Chloë Grace Moretz, “Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch”? Wait, i know, it was me in that review i just mentioned that you didn’t read. Go back and read it, you don’t believe me, you unfair somsabitches.

Speaking of Chloë Grace, you got it, i gotta card her here. She’s only 12 and thus too young for the sexy. As is policy here at The Bar None, nothing age inappropriate.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i’m not gonna lie to you, there’s no nudity in this bad boy. Like at all. But we got other stuff.

Like we got Lyndsy Fonseca (23) as Katie Deauxma, Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass’ love interest. There’s this one scene where she thinks he’s gay and she asks him to apply tanning lotion while she’s naked and holding her hands over her bare bosoms. Ummm…bosoms. And then, later, when she finds out he’s not gay, they make out and he gropes her. With his super hero gardening gloves still on. Think of them as thick, yellow, leather boob condoms.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Look in my drawers (scroll down, you can’t miss them) for the indie shots of Lyndsy.

What else we got? We got us some Silken Butterflies.

Silken Butterflies

We got a couple minutes of Dave Lizewski beating off into a kleenex. Even better is what excited him so much: Down blouses of his large chested English teacher, Mrs Zane, who (in his fantasies) takes off her blouse and caresses herself, calling out young Dave’s name. Anyway, here’s Deborah Twiss (38)…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Do we got better? Hell yes we do. In the scene in Rasul’s drug den, there’s this stunning brunette who, when Kick-Ass asks for Rasul, grabs her boobs over her slinky red dress and says something like, “I’m Rasul, can’t you see from my titties?” Bothers and Sissies, i give you Katrena Rochell (and her titties) who appeared collectively as Rita, The Junkie.

You wanna know what kicks even more ass? i interviewed this angel for The Booze Talkin’! Now who rocks The Bar None, babes? Al does. Just sayin’.

For those of you who prefer Big Daddies to Hit Girls, this is Aaron Johnson (19).

Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Aaron Johnson In The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 1 shot

Definitely the weak link of the film. Basically the only thing resembling a booze reference is when Kick-Ass goes over to Rasul’s (the drug dealer) place and there’s tons of empty wine and champagne bottles sitting around all over the place. Oh yeah, and Katrena Rochelle, the hot actress who plays Rita The Junkie (did i mention i’m interviewing her?), breaks a bottle of wine on the table to attack Hit-Girl with and it doesn’t work out.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 shots

Yep, only the second time i’ve ever given a 5 shot rating (the first being for the drinking in Crazy Heart). Here, it is doubly deserved for two reasons. The first is the action. There’s tons of action here, babes, along with very cool comic book violence. You wanna talk rock & roll attitude? Kick-Ass has become the new definition for rock & roll attitude by which all other movies will now be judged.

So we got that. But what else? Check this out, from the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back

Here’s the entire soundtrack for y’all, ’cause i’m nothing if i’m not thorough.

  1. The Prodigy – Stand Up
  2. Mika Vs. Redone – Kick Ass (We Are Young)
  3. Primal Scream – Can’t Go Back
  4. The Little Ones – There’s A Pot A Brewin’
  5. The Prodigy – Omen
  6. The Pretty Reckless – Make Me Wanna Die
  7. The Dickies – Banana Splits
  8. Ellie Goulding – Starry Eyed
  9. Sparks – This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us
  10. The New York Dolls – We’re All In Love
  11. Zongamin – Bongo Song
  12. Ennio Morricone – Per Qualche Dollaro In Piu
  13. The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation
  14. Elvis Presley – An American Trilogy

If you wanna hear any of these, just let me know and i’ll post it/them for you. i’m your tender bartender and i’m here to serve you.

Here’s a shot for Ken: The Hit Girls – Bad Reputation

Here’s a shot ordered up by Josh (actually, he was more interested in the sound byte at the beginning): The Dickies – Banana Splits

For those of you who’ve made it this far, Miss Demeanor and i have this debate goin’. i posted a song by The Pretty Reckless at the top of this review. i know you didn’t listen to it, so do me a favor and scroll back to the top and give it a good listen. It’s OK, i’ll wait… Done? So, what do you think? No, really. Not bad, right? Well, Miss D says it can’t be good because Taylor Momsen (of Gossip Girl fame) sings it. i say it’s a good song even if a good looking girl sings it.

What do you think?

If you picked the right answer, there’s a reward waiting for you at the bottom of the post.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mark Millar & John S. Romita Jr. (comic book)

Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn (screenplay)

Directed by: Matthew Vaughn

Starring

Chloë Grace Moretz – Mindy Macready / Hit-Girl

Lyndsy Fonseca – Katie Deauxma

Katrena Rochell – Rita, Female Junkie

Deborah Twiss – Mrs. Zane

Sophie Wu – Erika Cho

Aaron Johnson – Dave Lizewski / Kick-Ass

Nicolas Cage – Damon Macready / Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it or i’ll kick your ass.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lyndsy Fonseca (23)


Bonus Round

Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Click here for a taste of my other Booze Revoozes

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With ANDREA POWELL

Photo by Jordan Matter

[AlKHallism: All photos link back to Andrea Powell’s website (http://www.andreapowell.com/). Be sure to check it out.]

From the juiced-box and Andrea’s past: Journey – Faithfully

[Press ‘Play’ for a blast from Andrea’s past.]

i know y’all remember how much i loved My Own Love Song, the movie you may never get to see and it sucks to be you because it was a great freakin’ film. As understated as the power of the movie was, one of the most impressive and understated roles was that of “Devon’s Mom”, as portrayed by the very lovely and even more talented Andrea Powell. Though she only had a minor part, she lit up the screen like bicentennial fireworks reflecting off ice cubes in a gin & tonic on the 4th of July every time she appeared.

Well, believe it or not, in a heartwarming display of Southern hospitality, Ms Powell agreed to suffer through an interview with me, Al K Hall, your very humble Functional Alcoholic Sluperson. Let’s hope i don’t choke like a débutante with a bottle of Jack on her 21st birthday.

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