From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: AC/DC – Highway To Hell
That’s right, babes. We got Iron Man 2 here in Yeman weeks before y’all. Go ahead and enjoy this sneak peek before next Friday. Don’t worry, i put up some spoiler alerts if you don’t wanna know before you know, you know?
Ramblings: Get The Lead Out, Iron Man!
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with some guy’s son? The dad is cool and someone you like to hang with, always lookin’ good and you have these really exciting nights so you think it’s gonna be a blast to hang out with his kid because “like father like son”, right? ‘Cept the kid is really long winded and doesn’t really drink at all so he’s kinda boring and god can he talk but he doesn’t really wanna do anything other than look through pictures of his vacation to Mesa Verde when he was 8. He looks enough like his dad but somehow the “cool” gene got lost in transmission so you just kinda sit there looking at your watch, having a good enough time but ready to leave as soon as you can for something more kick ass. That’s kinda the way it was with Iron Man 2.
So yeah, Iron Man 2 was rusty, especially after how much i liked the first one. The stuff i liked about Iron Man, the rock & roll, the cool fx, the humor… were all here but more diluted, like a watered down rum & coke that’s been sitting in the sun and the ice has pretty much melted and the coke’s gone flat but you can still savor the lingering original but more as an aftertaste than the real thing.
Robert Downey Jr rocked, that’s a given. You can’t be Robert Downey Jr and not rock. Even if he tried not to rock, he would rock at not rocking, s’what i’m saying. He carries Iron Man and Tony Stark with the same swagger he had in the first one—as a strong actor who’ll never let you down. To think he does it all sober and after so many screw-ups in his past makes me wanna get up off my ass and stand on my chair and start a slow clap.
The other actors do their jobs well. It’s always a pleasure to see Scarlett Johansson do anything, even if it’s just standing still and taking (very) deep breaths, but she plays a believable Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff, proving her range and letting us know she’s not just another chesty face.
Mickey Rourke played a killer Ivan Vanko / Whiplash. Rourke has all the kick of cheap tequila from a broken bottle with salt you snorted after forgetting the lime. He’s a solid actor, he has always been a solid actor and the fact that his mug is a little cracked doesn’t make the nectar any less potent.
Oh, and i gotta take a quick minute to congratulate Garry Shandling for his role as a Senator Stern. i’ve been a fan of his for years and it was nice to see him adding a depth to this role that i’m sure wasn’t there on the paper. Next round’s on me, Gare.
Nah, the only problem i got with the casting calls was the choice of Don Cheadly as Lt. Col. James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes. There was soma kinda divorce between Terrence Howard (the original ‘Rhodey’) and the Iron Man people, but us kids don’t want to hear about your grown-up problems. Cheadle can pull off a lot of jobs, just not action hero.
The only other kink in Iron Man’s armor is that his punch has lost its..punch, i guess. Not many kicks from his…kicks, if you follow me. Look at it this way, imagine we’re splitting the check, OK? i had five action scenes (the one in Monaco was excellent) and each one was about 10, 15 minutes max. That makes 75 minutes, with the tip. OK, the total movie was 124 minutes, which leaves us 50 minutes of not much. Who’s gonna hafta pay for that? You are.
Too much back story, too much side story, too much back and forth story… Too much not enough is what we got here. Sure, the director was nice enough to try and hide the exposition with fancy images and CGI computers and crap, but after a couple minutes you see through these and realize the story is kinda stuck again.
Basically, Iron Man 2 will be all over like a cheap Iron Man suit: polished and good looking but not always effective.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
i’ll tell you right up front that there’s not gonna be any nudity here. There’s tons of hot girls but the closest you’ll get to any skin is the marvelous Scarlett Johansson (25) undressing down to her bra in the back of a taxi cab. Why? So she can wear her secret hero suit.
Here she is, looking super in (and out of) just about anything.
[AlKHallism: Pheelix has brought to my attention that the fourth pic on the left is NOT Scarlett. You’re gonna have to enjoy that one a little less, i’m ‘fraid.]
There’ll be more shots of her, including three in The Bar None, below in my drawers. Just scroll down, yo.
Of course there’s also the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow (37) reprising her role as Pepper Potts (at least they didn’t ask Don Cheadle to do this, too). No sex but she does kiss Tony Stark / Iron Man. Hey, it’s a passionate kiss—though it does get cut short by…Don Cheadle.
She’s hotter here than in the movie, trust me.
Yes, there’ll be more shots down in my drawers.
Also coming back for another round in Iron Man 2 is Leslie Bibb (35), who plays journalist Christine Everhart. Interesting (or not) factoid: In real life she’s together with Sam Rockwell, the guy who plays Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2.
Anways, here’s why she plays Everhard Everhart (oh c’mon, like you didn’t know i was gonna go there).
More shots of Leslie are loitering in my drawers.
The first butterfly to flit across the silver screen is Olivia Munn (29) perfect for the role of Chest Chess Roberts, a TV anchor.
i got drawer shots of her, too, just look at the bottom of this post.
We also get to see the stunning Kate Mara (27), just for a moment, in the pants of a U.S. Marshal (i mean in the role of a marshal, babes).
Drawer shots of her down below, as well.
Finally, there’s Helena Mattsson (26) who plays Rebecca. Y’all might remember Helena from when i exposéed her the first time in Surrogates.
You gotta check out the shots of her in my drawers. i won’t let anything slip, but you’ll be glad you scrolled down to see her arrival at the Iron Man 2 premiere.
For those of you who prefer Nuts to Sockets, there’s The Man, Robert Downey Jr (45) himself (who i also threw up a couple shots of on my Sherlock Holmes post.)
Finally, before we get to the living legend himself, i’d like to throw up a Before (Life) / After (Life) shot of one of my heroes.
He may not be the sex symbol he was back in the day of 9½ Weeks but Mickey—you out there, Brother?—i really wanna party with you, man.
Here’s the reason why i wanna hang with Mickey Rourke (57):
Drink: 3 Shots
i know, right? 3 shots? But guess what: There’s an Iron Man drunk scene! Swear to god. Peter Stark gets drunk at his birthday party, puts on the Iron Man suit and the fun begins. He staggers, falls down, tells the audience how he pees in the suit, swigs champagne from the bottle, tells everyone he loves them then accidentally blows his place to hell with his palm exploder light thingy.
Other than that, there’s these:
- Ivan (Mickey Rourke) drinks vodka from the bottle in vodka
- Champagne in the lab when Stark makes Pepper CEO [see photo up there]
- In that scene, Pepper says, “I don’t know what to think,” and Stark says, “Don’t think—drink.”
- Everyone drinks in a Monaco restaurant/bar
- Ivan drinks vodka at the fancy meal in Hammer’s hangar
- Hammer drinks Crown Royal on the rocks
- Scarlett brings Stark a vodka and mouths with all her lips in close-up, “Is that dirty enough for you?”
There was pro’lly one more reference but i can’t read my note. It looks like “Sees a bottle of chom-Rural the…”
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
[Press ‘Play’ for something from the juiced-box and the movie: The Clash – Should I Stay Or Should I Go]
i’d be ready to give this lots more, ’cause what rocks here rocks hard but there was just too much down time between the tracks.
The music was pretty hard as well. In addition to what i’ve posted, there’s also AC/DC’s “Shoot To Thrill”.
Tragically, the movie is dedicated to DJ AM (Adam Goldstein), who died after filming a cameo as himself as the DJ at the party Stark gets drunk at. Apparently, Downey Jr took a shining to the kid, perhaps while remembering his own difficulties in his youth. The director decided to keep the cameo in, including when Peter Stark says, “Adam, I need a phat beat.”
Boring Technical Crap
Directed by: Jon Favreau
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Scarlett Johansson – Natalie Rushman / Natasha Romanoff
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Mickey Rourke – Ivan Vanko / Whiplash
Kate Mara – U.S. Marshal
Leslie Bibb – Christine Everhart
Helena Mattsson – Rebecca
Olivia Munn – Chess Roberts
Babes, i already told you, Robert Downey Jr’s in it. Standing policy at The Bar None: nothing rated below 3 Shots and a guaranteed recommend to see.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Scarlett Johansson (25)
Gwyneth Paltrow (37)
Leslie Bibb (35)
Olivia Munn (29)
Kate Mara (27)
Helena Mattsson (26)