To Whom i Am Concerned: An Open Letter To Laura Hall

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Ms Laura Hall: Nora Jones (covering Willie Nelson) – I Gotta Get Drunk

Dear Laura,

Let me begin by apologizing for not writing you earlier. Your story first came to my attention about three weeks ago with a story in The New York Daily News. i shoulda written you back when your story first broke like a bottle of Jack dropped from a heavy hand, but look at it this way: The fact i’m still thinking about you after all the brew-ha-ha has settled means i’m sincere, doesn’t it?

Your story intrigued me for reasons other than the headlines. “Twenty-Year-Old Hottie Banned From Buying Alcohol In Two Countries!” says it all, really, because there’s no need to read the rest of the article. Then again, it doesn’t say anything. No one’s life can be bottled into one sensational event and thank the goddess for that. My own life has been tainted with my personal brand of debauchery, stained by times that spilled over and out of my hands.

One thing about me i gotta let you know right away is that you can so out-drink me, and that’s not easy. i’ve seen a list of what you drink in a typical night out and i stop at your number 3, number 4 if i want to wake up with a hangover the next day:

Sambuca

  1. A bottle of wine
  2. 2 cans of lager
  3. A couple shots of Sambuca and then you go out to drink
  4. 4 pints of Stella
  5. 6 double vodka-cokes
  6. To finish by “minesweeping” [AlKHallism: this entails going around the bar and drinking everyone else’s abandoned leftovers]

You confessed some more of your excesses in The News Of The World (who treated your distress with all of the finesse of a beer hound at a wine tasting):

  • You drink 150 units of alcohol a week
  • At 12 you started drinking shandies [AlKHallism: That’s beer mixed with 7-Up for you Yanks out there]
  • At 13 you were getting drunk weekly with friends in the park
  • At 15 you were arrested for the first time after stealing a policeman’s helmet
  • You’ve been arrested a total of 26 times
  • You were kicked out of high school at 15
  • You once broke your ankle leaping off a wall
  • You’ve drunk bleach thinking it was alcohol
  • You’ve cut yourself while drunk
  • Alcoholics Anonymous has kicked you out for sneaking in alcohol

i may have fewer Cups in my Trophy Case than you, but i have a round of personal revelations to swap in gratitude of your barroom declarations.

While i’ve never been banned from buying booze in an entire country, i have been banished from a bar for life.

There’s a Scottish pub in Yeman i went to one night with some of my workmates after we’d already downed a few pints of lager near the office. Completely drunk by the time wee got on the subway, i was so loud and vulgar that an Irish colleague told me to pipe down. “Don’t worry,” i slurred, “no one here speaks English.” To which this cute little blonde beside me, face red with anger and embarrassment, replied “Some of us do.” i apologized vominously and was happy to get off the car at our stop.

i had a couple more pints in there and that’s where memories fade like paper placemats in a military bar on shore leave. i do remember ordering beer and kinda flirting with the barmaid, which for me meant slinging chat that set me apart from the unwashed humanity three rows deep she’d been listening to all evening. While i may not remember my pickup lines, i do remember being confronted by the bar owner who asked me what the hell i’d said to upset the help so badly. (Oh yeah, hard to believe but i didn’t go home with the bar babe.) The last thing i remember is the owner telling my Irish coworker that i was banned from the bar for life.

The next problem i had was when i punched a wall at the café near the office because i was buying beer all night long for a drinking buddy and then the barmaid there gave him a free pint even if i’d been the one spending all night. (You gotta realize we’re talking about a guy much younger and cuter than yours humbly and he always was catchin’ breaks that passed me by.) This sparked the wick of my alcohol fueled anger and, in front of a terrace filled with happy-hour business types, i punched a wall. When my hand went through the wall, it kinda freaked me out.

They didn’t kick me out for life but i did have to cut them a check for €500, which is 500 more than i can afford. Plus the owner knows my boss, so i haven’t been the flavor of thee month since the incident, three years ago.

The only reason i’m goin’ into this, Laura, is to let you know i’m no saint, either. There is no ban on you in the Bar None so feel free to stop by whenever you like and your DBO doesn’t extend to Yeman so if you make it over here, you can have a drink on me.

Surprising as it may seem to my hundreds of thousands of readers, Laura, let me assure you that this missive is not to get together with you (in the mathematical sense of the word). Sure, i’m interested in living it up with you until i can’t live it down for a night or two—basically, just to see if i can survive—but this isn’t a cum on. i’m engaged to the most amazing woman in the world and i have enough trouble babysitting myself on a night out, let alone someone with your brand of out-of-hand.

Just leave me a comment down below, K? i’d like to hear the rest of your story, to know what you’re up to and how you’re doin’. And to dedicate this song to you: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

I know you’ll help us 

When you’re…
Feeling better and we realise
That it might not be for a long, long time…

But we’re willing to wait on you
We believe in everything that you can do
If you could only lay down your mind

I want you to try to help yourself

Take the time to take apartEach brick that sits outside your heart
And look around you
There’s people everywhere
No they don’t always show
They’re just as scared
And we’d be more prepared
If we pulled on through…

I want you to try to help yourself

Oceans of water underneath our feet
Terrible design
Dusty rooms you cannot sweep
Clouding up your mind

I know you’ll help us when you’re…
Feeling better
And we realise that it might not be
For a long, long time…

But we, we lend the weight on you
We believe in everything that you can do
If you could only lay down your mind

I want you to try to help yourself…

Sin-cerely,

Al K Hall (no relation)

PS i’m figurin’ that of the 1700+ people that visit The Bar None every day, there’s gotta be at least one of y’all who at least knows someone who knows Laura. So i’m pleading with you to guide her this way and hopefully she’ll leave a comment here or message me privately on Facebook. i’m just interested in hearing her side of the story and finding out how she’s doin’… swear to god.

21 thoughts on “To Whom i Am Concerned: An Open Letter To Laura Hall

  1. ” i apologized vominously and was happy to get off at our car at our stop.”

    Mortified by behaviour that you know at the time is caused by the alcohol, you continue and sure enough it gets worse. Even in your state of being lead by your addiction, you must have known it would not get better, but we’ve got to “let the good time roll”. Dude, you’ve got to come to a point where you can honestly say to yourself, “I’m not really having a good time and to continue, I am likely to have a worse time.”

    I will not say I have not drunk this volume in a night, but I will say that it was paced, that my aim is not to test my limits, but, once drunk, drink only to mantain (a lot of stopping and starting). I am guessing that the level that feels good to you is so far along that such descision making is not possable and also that this is caused by not being satisfied with your last expirience and wanting to make your next even better (this is the root of and commonality of all addictions, whether it is substance of behavioural).

    This is all mirrored by Laura’s escalation of behaviour. What we get with her is merely a laundry list of public consequences, but not the personal damage that you have shown us with your own examples. I would imagine that, if Laura could be honest with herself and then with us, the story would not be one of a non-stop party, but of chasing a good feeling that is never good enough to cover the sense of self disgust felt afterwards. Such a beautiful girl, we do not see that wich is not so beautiful.

    Maybe there is no healing of your own desires by sharing these things, but realise that by sharing them, you give those like me who walk that police-line between self control and over-the-top indulgence, reason not to step over that line and isn’t that worth it? The knowlege that if I ever let my guard down in the name of a good time, I will not only not know when to stop, but will always be looking to push that envelope a little further. I really hope that Laura will share her story, honestly and frankly, not because I want to hear all the sorrid little details (well kinda, I’m human), but in the sharing there may be healing by seeing “a good time” for what it really is.

    • Hi there, Brother,

      Thanks again for your usual introspective and insightful comment. As far as my own limits go, i can honestly say that in the last couple years Miss Demeanor has been here that i’ve been better about not crossing that line as far as i would before her arrival. Interestingly enough, in these last couple weeks i’ve even been able to stop drinking before finishing everything i’d bought. Last Friday i went to bed feeling no pain, but i also left 3/4s of a bottle of wine and a Heineken undrunk, for example. So age and experience are helping slightly in amplifying that tiny voice deep inside that’s been saying “Babe, you don’t need another one; in fact, another one is gonna make things worse.” It’s a slow process and i’m not saying i’ve kicked any demons, only saying that, for the moment at least, i’m able to stand up to them better than i did before.

      And if my stories help others, fantastic. i think i write these little confessionals as a kind of psychotherapy and, who knows, perhaps writing them has been helping my confront the demons with a little more strength. Plus, my stories serve as a “bar” others don’t usually cross so they can come here and mock me and tell themselves, “Hell, at least I’m not as bad off as Al.” Then there is the cautionary aspect you touch on, and i don’t mind being the guy who serves as the bad example so that others can stay good.

      i totally agree with where you were goin’ talking about Laura. Sure, her escapades are public knowledge, but a laundry list of offenses doesn’t tell us anything about her. About how she really is. About why she does the things she does. About how she feels before, during and after a binge. Those are the kinds of emotions i’m trying to get to with my own stories here and they’re also the main reason i’d like to hear her side of the news stories. To add some of her depth to the two dimensional portrait that’s been painted of her.

      Thanks for patronizing me, Brother,

      Al K Hall

  2. Not bad for a non-Irish girl.

    Seriously, I didn’t know the vodka-in-the-eye trick. I’ll keep that in mind if I ever start drinking again. Laura is my new hero. A true prodigy!

    Thanks Al, for making my day.

    • ITSB!

      Good to see you back in The Bar None, brother.

      i’d never heard of the vodka in the eye thing either, but i remain a little skeptical. i’m not sure how feasible it is… Would it really take a lot less time to catch a buzz by dripping a shot of vodka through an eyedropper directly onto the eye than it would by just drinking a shot and letting it take the normal channels? i’m not convinced.

      Anyway, i’m psyched that i made your day. And, as always, thanks for patronizing me…

      Al K Hall

      • There are some great youtube videos showing guys taking vodka shots in the eye. Not sure if it works, cause the bottle is already at least half empty by the time most of them get the courage . But here’s one where they bust the myth by taking 20 eye shots:

        Instead of catching a buzz, they only caught pink eye.

        The vodka enema, on the other hand, does work. As I always say, you’re not a real alcoholic until you’ve squirted vodka up your ass. I like my vodka like I like my women. Anally.

      • For those of you wandering lost in The Bar None and finding yourselves here, this is the video In The Same Boat was talking about:

        Here’s another one that illustrates the same point:

        Y’all wanna pay for wasted shots, i’m your man, but seriously…

        Al K Hall

  3. I saw they have found pottery with traces of wine, more tan 5000 years old, in Egypt. It must have been hard to find the way out of the pyramides for the drunk egyptians. And for a worker there, with a terrible hangover, to look at the pyramid, knowing only twenty years left to finish up that strange buildning just for one bigheaded guy.
    I think I am still drunk, mixing up Laura hall, Al K Hall and the pyramides. Is Bar None open?

    • Ingar,

      Glad you found your way over here from Facebook, brother! As for the old wine…is there any left? i’m out for the moment and don’t feel like showering to head to the store for more.

      And yep, The Bar None is open 48/14, brother!

      Thanks for patronizing me, man,

      Al K Hall

  4. Wow.

    Like I said when we talked about the post, I had already skimmed this, but now I came back to give it all a proper read.

    You weren’t kidding: she can totally outdrink you! Those quantities are just unfathomable. What amazes me even more and makes me wonder about her physical makeup/metabolic superpowers, is that for an average woman who is smaller and contains more bodyfat than the average man, all of that would make her TWICE — no, make that FOUR times — as drunk as you with her average binge there. Seriously, I wonder how she has avoided alcohol poisoning so far. I guess she has built up a poison tolerance or something!

    I’m with you: I really hope that Laura might find this and give some more insight — not to slam her or criticize or anything like that, I just want to know if this really makes her happy and what some of the dynamics and reasons are for drinking in such a way. I am guessing that with building up a tolerance from youth like she did, it simply takes that much to make her begin to feel even the slightest buzz! And where does she get the dough to pay for all that booze? Not cheap. I’m curious about it all, too.

    And alcohol up the arse, eh. (The eye just sounds way more painful than is justifiable. What’s wrong with the old fashioned way of taking it in orally, eh? What kind of idiot would try putting vodka in the eye?! Have they never cleaned their face with Clearasil and gotten some of that in the eye? It HURTS. Silly stupid people.)

    Here’s the thing, though:

    If you ever ask me to — or of your own volition — stick a turkey baster of drink up your bum so that you can get drunker faster, that’s grounds for the wonderful woman to exit stage left, lol. Just sayin’ (mostly humorously, but kinda seriously, too. That’s just GROSS. Gives and entirely new understanding of what the alcohol shits could be. Has no one ever had an enema? You gotta be pretty desperate for alcohol to hit the system if you’re willing to go with a booze bum bomb like that. Oy).

    • Sweetie,

      i’m your good ol’ old fashion alkie…drinking through the mouth is enough for me. When i drinks my wine, one of the tings i likes is the taste. It’s not *all* about the buzz. Honestly, i think i’d rather shoot booze than shoot it up my ass, you know?

      As for Laura, hopefully this will get back to her and she’ll agree to answer a few questions…

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

      • Miss D, I think you’re being too hard. If he asks you to help with the vodka enema, you should oblige. Draw the line when he asks you to felch the vodka out with a straw and spit it into a shot glass so he can enjoy it a second time.

        Al: always remember: although the urge to felch may be great, do not suck cum. errrr.. succumb.

        ITSB — NO I’m not drunk. Just celebrated 6 months dry.

      • Welcome back, brother!

        Miss D is working on a “tongue in cheek” reply to your comment, so i’ll just say it’s a good thing i know you don’t drink!

        And congrats, btw, on your 6 months! You’re an inspiration to all those who wanna get the monkey off their backs!

        Speaking of, would you care to put together a guest post on why you quit, how you quit, and what’s been going on since you quit (what are the advantages and tough parts)?

        Think about it and in the meantime, thanks for patronizing The Bar None,

        Al K Hall

      • Yes, that would definitely be ‘the last straw.’ (Loved the ‘tongue in cheek’ line. You’re good.

        I’ll think about writing a post; let me roll it over and i’ll get back to you.

    • Yeah, I kinda fizzled on a reply, tongue in cheek (heh) or otherwise. It was going to have something about why on EARTH would anyone want to drink ass-cycled vodka, and involve lots of graphic language about the amber color of the mucous-laced, shit-chunked mess that would be to gag down, but what I have there is about as far as I got before I started gagging with continued thought on the whole thing.

      So that’s it, kids. *fizzle*

  5. A woman able to best Mr Al at drinking? And a young ‘un no less?

    me thinks that indicates a potential challenge. The two of you, in a room, surrounded by booze. Last human standing.

    Should prove interesting.

    Which means, Al, you’ll need to get in some “practice”.

    Peace brother.

    • Good point!

      Maybe she’s lying about her alcohol intake and that i really could outdrink her. i’m with you, brother, let’s get her here and see what she’s capable of. You know me, ready to take on any cummers…

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

    • i love a woman with a sense of priorities…

      STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Thanks for patronizing me, Shels,

      Al K Hall

  6. The guy in front of me at the checkout was buying a sixer of Stella. This stuff has been around as long as I’ve been drinking, but I’ve never tasted, wonder why I’m noticing it so much lately. I’m thinking it is something like Zima??

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