Mug Shot: Vince Neil

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Vince: Mötley Crüe – Generation Swine

Who Is He?

Vince Neil was the lead sinner—oops, singer—of the American “rock” band Mötley Crüe (hey, it was the 80’s and we were hard up for anything that wasn’t Haircut 100; you woulda listened to them too if you were us, damnit). The band broke up in ’89 which makes perfect sense because they were an 80’s band and the 80’s, thank the lord in all her mercy, ended with all the ceremony of a do-it-yourself Bris in a church bathroom with your mother’s sewing sheers and a shot of Georgia Moon Corn Whiskey.

Not realizing the 80’s were so, uh, well, 80’s, Mötley Crüe reformed in the 90’s. Neil’s drinking was such a problem that bassist Nikki Sixx came up with the idea of fining any band member $25,000 if he caught them drunk on tour. This brain fart eventually led to a fistfight between Sixx and Neil in a hotel lobby. In 1999, Vince got drunk again and this time opted to get in a boxing match with drummer Tommy Lee in an airport. As Lee was on parole, Vince decided it would be cool to call the cops to break up the fight. Lee and Neil still don’t talk.

Neil is also quite the stellar business “man”. In addition to tons of things i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about, he ventured into:

  • The Bar One Club [Damn, so close to a great bar name…]
  • A strip club called “Girls, Girls, Girls”
  • His own winery, “Vince Vineyards”
  • His own tequila, “Tres Rios” [Which means “Very Rios” in French (or “Three Rivers” in Spanish, take your pick]
  • The Dr. Feelgood Bar and Grill

What Happened?

On June 28, Vince partied in Las Vegas at the Daytime Emmy Awards. After doing extensive research i was able to confirm that attending this event was not the reason he was arrested. (The jury is still out as to whether the shirt was the fashion crime.)

Stole the pic from TMZ, click on the link to check it out

No, it seems that after leaving the reception, Las Vegas PD received a call about a drunk driver. Five-0 found Vince soon after, swerving around Las Vegas Blvd, where he was pulled over and arrested on suspicion of DUI after failing several field sobriety tests. He was released on $2,000 bail.

Before we get any deeper into this mess, i gotta fitting song for the next section: Mötley Crüe – Shout At The Devil

Why He Deserves A Mug Shot

OK, you know what? i’m not even gonna rub his dirty nose in the fact that less than a week before his DWI bust, he told Associated Press, “Well, there’s just a point in your life where you kind of stop, that’s what happened with me. That was like three years ago. There’s other things in life than just drugs and alcohol.” Yes,  there is. Like driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

On December 8 1984, Vince Neil killed a man. Vince’d been partying for hours with Finnish metal band Hanoi Rocks when he took the band’s drummer, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, out on a booze run. On the way to De Tomaso Pantera — the liquor store Neil owned—Vince Neil was speeding and drunkenly (he had a BAC of 0.17%) swerved into the oncoming lane of traffic where he had a head-on collision with another car. Both occupants of the other car were reduced to a vegetative state. Razzle was DOA.

And Neil? He was sentenced to 30 days jail time for vehicular manslaughter but was let out for good behavior after 15. Yes, days. Apparently the scars this experience left on him weren’t all that deep because in 2007 he was arrested for DUI again, but plea bargained it down to “Reckless Driving”. Then he learned that “There’s other things in life than just drugs and alcohol.” And then got busted a couple days ago for DUI again.

Live and learn…or pull a Neil.

Signing off with my favorite Crüe song (i’m a sucker for heavy metal ballads, just ask anyone): Mötley Crüe – Home Sweet Home

[AlKHallism: Props to Ken (AKA Wayne Buchanan) over at the Bar None’s Facebook page for bringing this bit of tid to my attention. Thanks a million, Brother!]

Disposable Evening

Before i get any deeper into this, let me put on some ambient music that is definitely not disposable. My Facebook broder, Robert Storoy (visit his page and let him know how much you like his stuff) sent this on to me.

Robert Storoy (with Lorenz Vauck) & Trond Ihle (vocals) – Ved denne strand (“Here At This Hometown”)

[Press ‘Play’ for a Norwegian serenade; translated English lyrics at the bottom of the post]

Disposable Evening

Here in the Bar None i’m turning the classy up to at least…i don’t know, but a really really super high number, let me tell you.

In an effort to attract a better brand of alkie, i’m currently selling wine and guess what: we got all three colors!

Now you can tie one on here or get the buzz to go without fear of spilling. Just carry it to your favorite alley, park bench or under a secluded bridge with the love of your night, peel yourself a glass and feel the magic make you disappear. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to my bruder and Facebook buddy Liam Irvine who brought this to my attention.]

“But Al!” you protest (and me keeps methinking you doth protest too much, dude). “What if I’m not the standard brand of alkie you normally get in the Bar None!? What if I have a car and still wanna continue my disposable evening?”

No worries, i got just the thing. Anti-alcohol.

The company is no longer allowed to make the claim explicitly (partly because of the law and partly because it’s a bold faced lie debunked by any and every medical expert who’d care enough to give you the time of day) but if you go to Security’s website and read between the lines, you’ll see that by drinking their magic potion you can reduce the quantity of alcohol in your system. Thanks to this, you can drive without a problem less than an hour after getting totally drunk on my disposable wine. Oh yeah, it’ll also make you hangover proof.

A drink that removes the booze from your system! What’ll they think of next? i know, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a drink that you could drink and it would actually increase the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream? God, i’d love that. Oh wait! It already exists and is called alcohol.

These are the lyrics of the intro song, first in the translated English and then in the original Norwegian. i’m so freakin’ international it makes my head spin, ‘course that could be the lack of oxygen here on my “high” horse. Please, stop me now before i joke again…

Here At This Hometown
1. verse
High(up)in the sky above sea and land,
a bird flyes to the south.
Until the major means of storms would trot
Where no one dare’s to come.
Refr.
(But)When the morning fog disappears
in the bright summer sun
when the darkness turns to daylight it appears;
We are sailing in the gondola to adventures never known,
nothing’s so beautiful as the sunlight here at this hometown.
2. verse
We fought them hard, many vikings had to come
through stormy weather and rough seas.
Here a man founded his little home,
here he found his grave.
Refr.
(But)When the morning fog disappears
in the bright summer sun
when the darkness turns to daylight it appears;
We are sailing in the gondola to adventures never known,
nothing’s so beautiful as the sunlight here at this hometown.
3. verse
Here the wind blows, and the waves hit hard
This was the future price.
But the summer hours go fast here,
in this Paradise.
Refr.
(But)When the morning fog disappears
in the bright summer sun
when the darkness turns to daylight it appears;
We are sailing in the gondola to adventures never known,
nothing’s so beautiful as the sunlight here at this hometown.
Ved denne strand
1. vers
Høyt oppe i sky over hav og land,
der drar en fugl mot sør.
Frem gjennom stormenes ville trav,… Vis mer Dithen hvor ingen tør.
Refr.
Men når tåken den forsvinner
i den lyse sommerkveld,
og når solen skinner over disse fjell.
Da seiler vi i gondolen, frem mot eventyrets land.
Intet er så skjønt som solen,
her ved denne strand.
2. vers
Her kjempet seg, mang en viking frem
gjennom storm og hav.
Her har en mann sitt lille hjem,
her fant en helt sin grav.
Refr.
Men når tåken den forsvinner
i den lyse sommerkveld,
og når solen skinner over disse fjell.
Da seiler vi i gondolen, frem mot eventyrets land.
Intet er så skjønt som solen,
her ved denne strand.
3. vers
Her suser vinden, her bølgen slår.
Her er tidens pris.
Men sommerens timer går hurtig her,
i dette Paradis.
Refr.
Men når tåken den forsvinner
i den lyse sommerkveld,
og når solen skinner over disse fjell.
Da seiler vi i gondolen, frem mot eventyrets land.
Intet er så skjønt som solen,
her ved denne strand.

Threesome

New photo added to Photos: Self-Unemployed.

Threesome

In other news, finishing up yesterday sober meant two weeks of Writer’s Wagon (aka Dry Spelling). Today, for the first time, i went back to the one restaurant where i’m known as a big drinker and the wine is all-you-can-drink. In order not to draw any attention to myself, i poured wine into both my clients’ glasses and then poured about three fingers into my glass. i put it to the side and was able to refrain from imbibing, and i had the added bonus of not drawing any attention to myself. The head waiter did come over towards the end of the meal, though, and asked if i wanted another bottle of wine (even though we hadn’t even finished the first one!).

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of WHEN YOU’RE STRANGE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Doors – Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)/Texas Radio/Love Me Two Times

[Press ‘play’ to find the next Whisky Bar]

Ramblings: Behind Closed Doors

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with old ghosts? They’re shadows of their former selves and were cooler when they were younger, newer ghosts and you’ve been drinking for a long time with these ghosts you grew up with but who never grew up themselves and they were cool when they first appeared out of nowhere to save you from your mundane existence but a while back you grew past them and they’ve become as tedious as the childhood they pulled you out of and as trying as the drinks they poured you in your youth. Once the ghosts of heroes, they’ve since become human and their valorous vices are now nothing but banal bents. Still, having that ghost beside you as you drink is reassuring in a reminiscent sort of way and When You’re Strange is kinda like that ghost.

It’s impossible for me to review this movie without also reviewing my kinship for Jim Morrison. i’ll try not to dwell, but i’m quite the dweller. See, when i was around 17 i was president of my church youth group and a regular, upstanding kid in an ultra-conservative family. And then i read No One Here Gets Out Alive. Inside 6 months i was addicted to The Doors, out of the church and writing angst-written songs and poetry. i had successfully exchanged one savior for another. You might even say i have Morrison to thank, in part, for my drinking.

Thirty years later, i’ve kept the addictions but the sheen has lost its shine. Morrison is no longer my idol, just a talented guy who wrote some awesome songs and some of his lyrics are poetic but there are some silly lines as well. i no longer worship at the altar of Morrison; as sad as it seems, i simply outgrew him.

Now that i got that off my chest, let’s talk about the movie.

You want the good news or the bad news first? Let’s start with the bad. The narration is pretty much totally and entirely crap. The text is lifted almost word for word from No One Here… and Johnny Depp, as cool as he is, reads it like a pre-school easy reader. “This is Jim. See Jim sing. Sing, Jim, sing. See Jim Drink. Drink, Jim, Drink. See Jim swallow chunks of black tar heroin. Swallow, Jim, swallow.”

The good news for those of us hardcore Doormen (and women) is the footage. There is tons of new, never-seen-before stuff (awesome behind the scenes concert images, Jim’s UCLA film school final, an explanation to the infamous Miami show fiasco) and what we’ve already seen (HWY, notably) has been fully restored and looks awesome.

What really tilts the scales in favor of this, though, is what’s it’s always been about since the beginning: The Music. When You’re Strange is a great excuse to listen to some great tunes and look at some great images of one of the coolest guys ever lucky enough to die too young.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

No big surprise here. This movie, after all, is about four guys hanging out together pretty much all the time. Still, i gotta give half a shot for all the shots we got of those doe-eyed hippy chicks ripe with optimistic innocence and bursting with ingénue naiveté.

Click to Grow It

On top of these (i wish), we also got Jim’s girlfriend / kinda wife, Pamela Courson.

For those of you who are more into Door keys than Door locks, here’s a shot of Johnny Depp (47), the narrator:

And of course, here’s some of the man himself:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

No one was more surprised than me, believe me. i mean, i knew Morrison was a drinker but obviously i’d forgotten how much. (Miss Demeanor, who has recently read No One Here…, tells me the bio is full of his drinking and they maybe even toned it down in the movie.) Anyway, drinking played such a pivotal role in the second half of the film i’m pretty sure it’s gonna show up in the Barcademy Awkwards (The Alkies). Here’s what i mean:

  • [Morrison] Drinks whiskey and beer on the [private] plane
  • Jim drunk in studio
  • Ray w/ a beer in the studio
  • Freaks with boda bags
  • Morrison moves from drugs to booze at Soft Parade
  • “Sometimes alcohol helps Morrison. Sometimes it doesn’t.”
  • “I drink so I can talk to assholes. / This includes me.” [From his book of poetry]
  • Professional drinkers are hired to look after him but they can’t keep up
  • The Janis Joplin story [when Morrison and Joplin party together, they both get drunk, he jams her face in his crotch, she hits him on the head with a whiskey bottle and breaks down in tears]
  • Drinking binge with Michael Mcclure [see photo]
  • Drinking breaks up the band
  • Beer in studio of L.A. Woman
  • Morrison dies in the tub after a night of heavy drinking
  • Drinking wine out of a screw-on jug under a tree at lakeside
  • Jim drinking Bud on a sailboat
  • Jim’s alter ego is “Jimbo” and everyone’s afraid of him

i especially like the last one ’cause Al K Hall is my alter ego and he likes it when cool people have alter egos, too.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Babes, we’re talking about the Doors.  i’ll give you a taste of the soundtrack. In a shotglass what we got is either Doors’ tracks (and the bummer is that they didn’t find many outtakes or live tracks but, for the most part, went straight with the album versions) or Johnny Depp reading Jim’s poetry.

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s Johnny: Johnny Depp reading Morrison’s poem, “Cinema”

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s Jimmy: The Doors – Break On Through (To The Other Side) (Live at the Isle of Wight-1970)

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s the track list on the soundtrack:

1. Poem: Cinema – By Johnny Depp
2. Poem: The Spirit Of Music – By Johnny Depp
3. Moonlight Drive
4. Poem: The Doors Of Perception – By Johnny Depp
5. Break On Through [To The Other Side] [Live at The Isle Of Wight 1970]
6. Poem: A Visitation Of Energy – By Johnny Depp
7. Light My Fire [Live on The Ed Sullivan Show] [Mono]
8. To Be A Real Superstar [Interview Segment] – By Jim
9. Five To One
10. Poem: Wasting The Dawn – By Johnny Depp
11. When The Music’s Over [Live on Danish TV]
12. The Four Of Us Are Musicians / I’d Like Them To Listen
13. Hello, I Love You
14. Dead Serious [Interview Segment] – By Jim Morrison
15. People Are Strange
16. Poem: Inside The Dream – By Johnny Depp
17. Soul Kitchen
18. Poem: We Have Been Metamorphosized – By Johnny Depp
19. Poem: Touch Scares – By Johnny Depp
20. Touch Me
21. Poem: Naked We Come – By Johnny Depp
22. Poem: O Great Creator Of Being – By Johnny Depp
23. The End
24. Poem: The Girl Of The Ghetto – By Johnny Depp
25. L.A. Woman
26. Poem: Crossroads – By Johnny Depp
27. Roadhouse Blues
28. Poem: Ensenada – By Johnny Depp
29. Riders On The Storm
30. Poem: As I Look Back – By Johnny Depp
31. The Crystal Ship
32. Poem: Goodbye America – By Johnny Depp

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Tom DiCillo

Directed by: Tom DiCillo

Starring

Jim Morrison – Himself (archive footage)

John Densmore – Himself (archive footage)

Robby Krieger – Himself (archive footage)

Ray Manzarek – Himself (archive footage)

Pamela Courson – Herself (archive footage)

Johnny Depp – Narrator (voice)

Bottom Line

This is one of those times it pro’lly makes more sense to wait for the DVD. i saw this bad boy twice (once with Miss D and again with my 15-year-old son) and could stand to see it again, plus there’s gotta be some good extras they could tack on.

Click Here If You Wanna Check Out Other Booze Revoozes

On Your Knees

Dusyt's?

Looks like whoever painted the sign was on their way out and not their way in.

Dusyt’s, where you can pray at the porcelain altar or call God on the big white phone.

Or where you can stand up and say “Hello, my name is Al K Hall and i beat the odds for a second Friday-Open-Bar-Night in a row.”

Twelve days and counting, babes.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE A-TEAM

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Game – House of Pain

Ramblings: The A-Team Plays Hard

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a childhood friend? Not someone you’ve been friends with since you were in kindergarten, but some kid you knew for like one year in fourth grade and didn’t even like so much then and you lost contact when you moved away and completely forgot about him, truth be told, but then you happen to bump into him in some bar and you kinda dread hanging with him ’cause he was pretty dorky when you guys were younger but what the hell, right? You haven’t seen him for a couple decades and it might be fun to reminisce about how you stole his girlfriend and you can always cut out early if he bores you too much. So you’re drinking your first drinks and can you believe it, he actually turns out to be cool. He grew out of his retarded dolt phase and knows how to party and pays for some drinks and keeps you entertained with cool stories about all the crap he’s done since he grew up. i mean, you’re not gonna make him your best man or anything and maybe you’ll still steal his new girlfriend from him but that’s only because she’s hot and if he can get hot babes why not hang out with him a little longer and order another round on you? That’s kinda the way it was with The A-Team.

‘Cause i’m old enough to remember the original A-Team television series and i for sure am old enough to remember i didn’t watch it. i’m pretty sure the reason for that is that it sucked—wait, met me check…yeah, that was definitely it. It sucked.

Miss D and me decided to see this movie because it started right after i finished work and with our movie passes it’s not like we have to pay extra to see this so what the hell. Bottom line, i was pleasantly surprised. There was a lot of crap about the TV series that got up my nose like puke chunks when you barf with your mouth closed: The special effects reeked, for example, and no matter what kind of huge explosion went off or how many guns were firing, no one ever died. Parents must’ve complained about too much violence because a freaking missile could land dead center on a jeep full of bad guys and explode like a super nova while the A-Team fired rocket launchers and other heavy artillery into the wreckage and still the last shot you’d see were the bad guys struggling to their feet in a daze, and shaking off the armageddon before putting their hands up in surrender. God that chaffed my ass more than splinters in a barstool.

Like i was saying, though, the movie was tons better. Bad guys actually died and the special effects were above par (i won’t spoil anything for you but the climax is super climatic). The action was pretty much nonstop, too, and let’s face it, that’s the only reason you go and see this kind of movie in the first place. So, definitely a wild ride.

The downside, ’cause there’s always a downside, was that towards the end they started taking more and more time to set up the action. i don’t need the action set up. i don’t give a rat’s ass why they gotta do something, i just wanna see them do it and as violently as possible, please. There were also some minor things, like the Ultimate Fighter who replaces Mister T has a real hard time speaking in a way that you can understand him, and when he finallly is clear enough you relaize he can’t act. i’m guessing the director told him, “Mumble—if people can’t understand you maybe they won’t realize you suck.”

Apart from torturing a glorified pro-wrestler by asking him to remember words, the rest of the acting was about what you’d expect. i’d like to highlight Sharlto Copley, though, who played Murdock and did a pretty good job—he spoke with different accents and everything. A mildly interesting bit of trivia: his girlfriend of a gajillion years, fellow South African Jeanne-Melanie Haasbroek, has a cameo as “Army Hospital Therapist Elke”. Unfortunately, i couldn’t find any shots of her online for the Silken Butterfly section down below.

All in all, The A-Team turns in their A-game and as long as you don’t expect a world class performance, you’ll walk away a winner.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Another fumble The A-Team makes is trying to pass off the Charisa Sosa (Jessica Biel) / Lt. Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck (Bradley Cooper) romance. You want to inject a little estrogen into this testosterone? Perfect, i’m all for it, especially when the estrogen dose comes in a Jessica Biel (28) shaped container. But do we really need a romance between these two? No, we don’t. Here’s what we need:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

The solo shots of her are down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling into you reach them.

Silken Butterflies

The beautiful Alex Madison, actress and, get this, stunt woman extraordinaire kicks off the movie with a blast as “General Tuco’s Wife”.

i’ve sent her a note to try to get an interview and i’ll keep you posted on how that turns out.

i sent another query to the very lovely Katie Boskovich, who plays “FOB French Reporter” and sucks Face’s face. While waiting for her answer, here’s a collage to hold you over.

Another Silken Butterfly flitting so sweetly across the silver screen was Anita Brown who was super well cast as “Attractive Prison Guard”.

Finally, coming in toward the end of the game, we get Natalie L. James as “Lynch Secretary”.

For those of you who prefer A-Teams to B-Cups, i got some Bradley Cooper (35) for y’all:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

Check Out the Bud in Jessica's Hand

  • Face drinks Bud from a can post-mission reminiscing about Merlot with JB
  • Jameson (?) pre-mission @ campfire
  • “I got a bottle of Blue Label waiting.” / “Bottle? make it a case.”
  • CIA drinking beer & whiskey from fancy glasses in Stuttgart
  • Flashback whiskey toast to good hunting (Peck & General)
  • More Bud (bottle) placement on boat

More Bud Placement

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The action was decent and there was a lot of it, especially in the first half when they kinda strung all the happening stuff together. Later on, like i said above, the A-Team got kinda worn out and dropped the ball by spending too much time in their playbooks.

On top of that, the music was pretty good over-all. Some nice rap, some nice guitar rework on the Mike Post and Pete Carpenter “A-Team Theme” and a pretty eclectic soundtrack overall. The only thing is, don’t be fooled by imitations. If you check out the OST on Amazon, you’ll see it’s just all that incidental instrumental background crap.

If you want the real lowdown down low, you came to the right place. Here’s the true music from the movie:

Mike Post and Pete Carpenter – The A-Team (Theme)
The Game – House of Pain
Trick Daddy featuring Deuce Poppito – Shut Up
Jorge Calandrelli – Trio Para Enamorados
Pete B., Stephen C. and Tim L. – You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)
Tom Morello – A-Team Blastoff Suite
The Black Keys – I Got Mine
Frederick Knight – I’ve Been Lonely For So Long
John Philip Sousa – The Washington Post March
The Wildlife Band – I Don’t Want to Change Your Mind
Peter Schreier and Konrad R. – My Girl Has Rosenmand
Harry Simeone, Katherine K. – Little Drummer Boy
Sex Pistols – Anarchy in the UK
The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra – The A-Team (Theme)
Gary Sredzienski – I Ran 6 Miles
Steely Dan – Reelin’ in the Years

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Based on the television series “The A-Team” created by Frank Lupo and Skip Woods

Written by Joe Carnahan, Brian Bloom, Stephen J. Cannell

Directed by: Joe Carnahan

Starring

Jessica Biel – Charisa Sosa

Alex Madison – General Tuco’s Wife

Anita Brown – Attractive Prison Guard

Katie Boskovich – FOB French Reporter

Liam Neeson – Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith

Bradley Cooper – Lt. Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck

Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson – B.A. Baracus

Sharlto Copley – Murdock

Patrick Wilson – Lynch

Jeanne-Melanie Haasbroek – Army Hospital Therapist Elke

Bottom Line

Give it a shot. The A-Team’s got game.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jessica Biel (28)

Jessica Biel in the Bar None

Forbidden Fruit

Finished my 9th day dry today. After skipping out on the company’s “Open Bar Friday” last week, my next challenge is a business lunch i have tomorrow. Still, i survived last week’s lunch and know what kinda things i can do and say (thanks to ITSB) to get through it rather painlessly. Besides, quitting cold turkey has always been easier for me than trying to drink in moderation, so as long as i don’t drink a drop, i should be good.

Thanks again for your support, babes!