Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alanis Morissette – I Remain

Ramblings: Foot Prince (in the Sands of Time)

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in your cousin’s basement? He’s got this cool new video game and a cooler full of 40’s sitting in melted ice water that’s not all that cold anymore and he’s cranking Sabbath’s Mob Rules [AlHallism: RIP Ronnie James Dio] while his mom yells down the stairs at him to turn down the tunes and get a job but he just tells you to ignore her and keeps playing and doing hits from a bong filled with Miller beer and talking about how eye shots of vodka rock the hard way and showing you how to play this new game but he never gives you a go. So you sip from the 40 and get a little buzz from the beer but the game is boring because after one or two lives you understand the point and it gets a little repetitive watching someone else play a game you know how is gonna end. That’s exactly what Prince of Persia was like.

The film wasn’t entirely bad. Before i start ragging on it, there were a couple cool things. OK, one cool thing: It looked good. It looked as good as a casino in Vegas, but unfortunately this was just a mirage in the desert ’cause when once you get inside you see through the artifice and find nothing but sand blowing in the wind. [Thanks for the “casino” comparison, Miss D!]

Sure, there was action but the action came straight from the video game. Have you ever played Prince of Persia? You gotta jump around. A lot. That’s basically all. Because the movie is based on this game, we get a lot of Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) jumping on buildings, posts, poles, roofs, horses, walls… He even fights a little, like in the video game, but even there it’s the same fight scene over and over again and there’s not even the risk you’ll die and have to take a do-over because you’re not the one playing the damn thing to begin with.

Like with video games, great technology does not make a great game. You can drop a gajillion bucks in special effects but if the script is as dry as the Sahara, you end up with dirt. Which is what you wind up with here because the film has nothing new to offer. Concerning directing, acting, story, plot and all the rest…Prince of Persia is as old as and predictable as the sands of time.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

How do you wanna have more than half a shot when there was only one—count ’em, one—babe in this whole damn thing? Sure, there were some brief scenes with hotties, like there were some gorgeous girls in a harem at one point but it went by so fast if you blinked you missed it. Not even long enough for IMDB to bother posting their names so i could look them up and try to interview them as Silken Butterflies. Of which there are none so don’t even bother looking for them.

All we do got here is Gemma Arterton as Tamina. Don’t get me wrong, at least we got her and we’re not stuck with Brokeback Sand Dune and a tryst involving Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley and an Al Molina with bad teeth.

Still, concerning Gemma, there’s only two scenes that are less tepid than the others. Towards the end there’s an almost down blouse while she’s hanging from a ledge and Dastan checks out her cleavage while he takes his time helping her up. The second is a wet toga scene when Tamina gets out of a fountain.

So anyway, here’s a collage of Gemma Arterton (24).

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

If you’re looking for some indie shots of her, look down below in my drawers.

For those of you who are more into daggers than sheaths, there was Jake Gyllenhaal (29).

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

This puppy was as dry as a Saudi desert, babes. There was some drinking of wine out of gourds during a victory celebration and Nizam (Ben Kingsley) says something about how the job of the King’s brother is to make sure the King’s wine glass is always full.

One of the more interesting things isn’t related to alcohol at all, but drugs. Normally i wouldn’t waste the time to babble about marijuana (drugs interfere with the drinking, yo) but here i have a shot to show off my massive knowledge. The bad guys in Prince of Persia are the “Hassansins”. This is a bastardization of “Hashshashin“, who were a group of Persian Muslims. It was thought these whack jobs would get high on cannabis resin (the word “hash” comes from “Hashshashin”) and then go on killing sprees where they wasted their enemies (the word “assassin” is thought to come from “Hashshashin” as well). This fact is alluded to in the movie when Nazim pays off the head Hassansin with a mysterious package in the world’s first drug deal using a camel as a mule.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Alanis Morissette and this (Harry Gregson-Williams – Hassansin Attack)?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jordan Mechner (screen story and video game series Prince of Persia)

Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard (screenplay)

Directed by: Mike Newell

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Tamina

Jake Gyllenhaal – Dastan

Ben Kingsley – Nizam

Alfred Molina – Sheik Amar

Gísli Örn Garðarsson – Hassansin Leader

Bottom Line

Hump it, as the camel said to the backpacker. (This means don’t see it, not even on DVD unless you have a cool blu-ray player and you wanna check out the special effects that are less impressive here than in Avatar anyway.)

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Gemma Arterton (24)

Gemma in The Bar None

Gemma in The Bar None

11 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME

  1. Hahahal that some charmiing reviews.. Thanks Hall, now I not bother watching it ever… although was not even planning to watch it especially going to theater.. .. now you make it clear, not even bother wasting my times when it be on TV.. well main reason is, I think that jakgyllenhaal was not right for that role..he looks all gay to me for that role.. haha..I suggest he should stick with his indue movies next time or try not do them Action hero character.. he looks often joker to me… hahah….

    • Hi Ruksana!

      Thanks for stopping in again! Glad you liked the review! i see what you lean about Jake, although he was in good shape for this movie and looked good as Dastan. Couldn’t be worse than Toby MacGuire as Spiderman, right?

      Thanks for patronizing me, babe,

      Al K Hall

  2. Now quite sure what ruksana is on about up there… (grammar and complete sentence courses are available at your local primary school) but I will say: I did enjoy this review, Al. You had me at “You know how you get drunk in your cousins basement?”. I haven’t seen POP yet (ahh, and acronym you’ll love Al, since it’s perhaps the best sound ever in the Bar None!) and had no plans to while it was in the cinema, but I will definitely check it out in glorious BluRay when the time comes. This is a sound design delight, I’ll bet.
    I will admit to finding Gemma Aterton a little less that hot to trot, but I guess in a pinch, or perhaps a blind stumbling around the Bar None while looking for that pesky third dart, she’ll do.
    And I see you think Mike Newell went to the George Lucas “effects before story” school of filmmaking. Considering the work he did on Harry Potter I thought he’d have a better shot than this, but still, when the film is based on a fairly basic video game (I still think the zenith of computer games is Solitaire) what can you expect.
    Thanks (again) for the straight up review! A pleasure as always. Now, stop thinkin’ ’bout Gemma and pour me a damn drink dude!

    peace.

    Rodney

    • Hey there, Rodney!

      What can i say? The Bar None is fast becoming the international virtual bar of choice. i kinda like having the jet set around, makes the bar more cosmopolitan, though i will only serve that drink if i get flashed first.

      Yeah, it’d be a good blu-ray experience. i mean, i wouldn’t say there was no story, but they did kinda dumb it down for kids, who i’m guessing were the main target here.

      You know what i like about Gemma? She’s, what, 24 and she already has stretch marks on her boobs. (If you haven’t already, click on the 3 shots after the landscape one with her in blue satin lying in the bed—look at those 3 images full size and you’ll see what i’m talking about.) One of those things that makes her unique amongst all other women.

      Solitaire has always been my favorite video game too! Well, apart from GTA (now there’s a game that could be a cool movie!).

      Thanks for patronizing me, brother! What’s your poison?

      Al K Hall

      • Checked out the boobs, and you’re absolutely right! She does have stretch marks! My wife has some of those too, but she’s had a baby and that’s her excuse….

        I’ll drink anything mate, especially fermented grape juice. 😉

      • So we’ll drink some Jacob’s Creek (unless you prefer Montana, but that’s Kiwi) as soon as you you post pictures of you wife’s beautiful Angel Scratches… Just teasin’!

        Thanks for patronizing me, brother!

        Al K Hall

        PS Where you at in Australia? i met this GORGEOUS whack job in gumboots one time from Adelaide and since then i have this image that all girls from Adelaide are HOT but completely nuts.

  3. “Because the movie is based on this game…”

    Ohhhhhhhhhh. Damn. This phrase explains SO much. I must have been living under a rock or something because I had no idea it was a video game-turned-movie. It really does make complete sense now, why this movie pretty much hosed (for me). I think I would like it if I were a 13-year-old boy, though. I mean, c’mon. With Jerry Bruckheimer producing and Disney being the film company that made this picture, that should be enough to understand what this movie is. I can see it really having appeal for the PG-13 audience for whom it was made, though. It was boring to me as I have already seen all of what was in the movie, even F/X-wise (Hello!? The Mummy?). But to some green kid whose filmgoing experience is not all that extensive? Who loves video games? Yeah, that dude in the basement you described up there is going to seem pretty cool to a 13-year-old boy.

    “You know what i like about Gemma? She’s, what, 24 and she already has stretch marks on her boobs.”

    I am with you on this one. I also like that she actually has a little bit of flesh on her. She’s not a pencil, and she has a very cute face. I like some of the photos of her a lot better than in this movie, though. Her upper lip is really poofy in the movie (she’s got some DSL going on) and that is something that was a little distracting to me (plus too much tanner to make her seem Middle Eastern), but she has killer eyes and she looks really cute in those cutoffs up there! As a natural beauty, she has a lot going for her.

    (Ohhhhh — last minute notice before closing my comment: comparing some of those photos there? I think that the upper lip may be a collagen fakey one. Oh *sigh* Gemma!! You had fine lips as it was! I like the cuter photos where you are more natural! Why do actresses DO this kind of shit? I know the pressure is great, but yikes. Not a lot of good can come of plastic surgery like that. Assuming she’s had it…)

    • Babe!

      i thought you knew it was a video game, swear ta god.

      Glad we agree on the movie and Gemma. A close look at the shots made me realize you were right: Gemma does have lips. i never got that far in my analysis of the photos. plus, i think you’re right as well about having her upper lip inflated and i agree that it’s not as attractive as it was before.

      MWAH,

      Al K Hall

  4. Duuude, you’ve got a video game (and as a video game it is all ages) that is done by Disney, DISNEY. Disney kills everything it touches, takes it to their Disney taxadermists for a life-like animatron, lifelike, but it ain’t life.

    • Making a film for Disney is like making a porno for PBS. All the fun and life is sucked out of it. Disney make films by committee. And that’s no way to make films. Check out the increasingly stupid Pirates Of The Caribbean films, which got progressively worse as they went along. That last one was a particularly stupid clusterfuck of ideas, all jazzed up with so many effects it made my eyes bleed.
      Disney only make great animated films, and only the great ones of those are done with ink and paint.
      In short, I agree with Ken, although he’s much more succinct than myself.

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