From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alanis Morissette – I Remain
Ramblings: Foot Prince (in the Sands of Time)
Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in your cousin’s basement? He’s got this cool new video game and a cooler full of 40’s sitting in melted ice water that’s not all that cold anymore and he’s cranking Sabbath’s Mob Rules [AlHallism: RIP Ronnie James Dio] while his mom yells down the stairs at him to turn down the tunes and get a job but he just tells you to ignore her and keeps playing and doing hits from a bong filled with Miller beer and talking about how eye shots of vodka rock the hard way and showing you how to play this new game but he never gives you a go. So you sip from the 40 and get a little buzz from the beer but the game is boring because after one or two lives you understand the point and it gets a little repetitive watching someone else play a game you know how is gonna end. That’s exactly what Prince of Persia was like.
The film wasn’t entirely bad. Before i start ragging on it, there were a couple cool things. OK, one cool thing: It looked good. It looked as good as a casino in Vegas, but unfortunately this was just a mirage in the desert ’cause when once you get inside you see through the artifice and find nothing but sand blowing in the wind. [Thanks for the “casino” comparison, Miss D!]
Sure, there was action but the action came straight from the video game. Have you ever played Prince of Persia? You gotta jump around. A lot. That’s basically all. Because the movie is based on this game, we get a lot of Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) jumping on buildings, posts, poles, roofs, horses, walls… He even fights a little, like in the video game, but even there it’s the same fight scene over and over again and there’s not even the risk you’ll die and have to take a do-over because you’re not the one playing the damn thing to begin with.
Like with video games, great technology does not make a great game. You can drop a gajillion bucks in special effects but if the script is as dry as the Sahara, you end up with dirt. Which is what you wind up with here because the film has nothing new to offer. Concerning directing, acting, story, plot and all the rest…Prince of Persia is as old as and predictable as the sands of time.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
How do you wanna have more than half a shot when there was only one—count ’em, one—babe in this whole damn thing? Sure, there were some brief scenes with hotties, like there were some gorgeous girls in a harem at one point but it went by so fast if you blinked you missed it. Not even long enough for IMDB to bother posting their names so i could look them up and try to interview them as Silken Butterflies. Of which there are none so don’t even bother looking for them.
All we do got here is Gemma Arterton as Tamina. Don’t get me wrong, at least we got her and we’re not stuck with Brokeback Sand Dune and a tryst involving Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley and an Al Molina with bad teeth.
Still, concerning Gemma, there’s only two scenes that are less tepid than the others. Towards the end there’s an almost down blouse while she’s hanging from a ledge and Dastan checks out her cleavage while he takes his time helping her up. The second is a wet toga scene when Tamina gets out of a fountain.
So anyway, here’s a collage of Gemma Arterton (24).
If you’re looking for some indie shots of her, look down below in my drawers.
For those of you who are more into daggers than sheaths, there was Jake Gyllenhaal (29).
Drink: ½ Shot
This puppy was as dry as a Saudi desert, babes. There was some drinking of wine out of gourds during a victory celebration and Nizam (Ben Kingsley) says something about how the job of the King’s brother is to make sure the King’s wine glass is always full.
One of the more interesting things isn’t related to alcohol at all, but drugs. Normally i wouldn’t waste the time to babble about marijuana (drugs interfere with the drinking, yo) but here i have a shot to show off my massive knowledge. The bad guys in Prince of Persia are the “Hassansins”. This is a bastardization of “Hashshashin“, who were a group of Persian Muslims. It was thought these whack jobs would get high on cannabis resin (the word “hash” comes from “Hashshashin”) and then go on killing sprees where they wasted their enemies (the word “assassin” is thought to come from “Hashshashin” as well). This fact is alluded to in the movie when Nazim pays off the head Hassansin with a mysterious package in the world’s first drug deal using a camel as a mule.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Alanis Morissette and this (Harry Gregson-Williams – Hassansin Attack)?
Boring Technical Crap
Jordan Mechner (screen story and video game series Prince of Persia)
Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard (screenplay)
Directed by: Mike Newell
Gemma Arterton – Tamina
Jake Gyllenhaal – Dastan
Ben Kingsley – Nizam
Alfred Molina – Sheik Amar
Gísli Örn Garðarsson – Hassansin Leader
Hump it, as the camel said to the backpacker. (This means don’t see it, not even on DVD unless you have a cool blu-ray player and you wanna check out the special effects that are less impressive here than in Avatar anyway.)
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Gemma Arterton (24)