Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TRIAGE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: War Is Still Hell

Final Proof: 2½ Stars

You know how you get drunk with a vet? Sure they’ve survived more action than John Mayer at a sorority pillow fight, waded knee deep through blood and guts, and seen so much gore that the light in their eyes has gone on the blink but when they sit there flooding their memories with cheap whiskey and Pabst chasers they tell the same tired stories every other vet before them has been telling since the beginning of wars. So you just kind of sit there and nod off into your drink because interrupting a vet is super rude and almost as offensive as mocking them on a movie review blog. Yeah, those crazy veterinarians with their mangled kitten tales…

Basically, we got a “war is hell movie” here. Oh yeah, and an “after war is hell too” movie. You could see this, or you could see a better “war is hell” movie like Platoon or a better “after war is hell too” movie like The Deer Hunter.

Needless to say i was less than impressed. i knew i was gonna have a hard time with this bad boy right up front when they started off with flash forwards and flash backs. Flash Anywheres are just lame story writing and weak film making and hell. Oh yeah, you know what else is hell? Surprise endings that aren’t.

The acting was kinda hell, too, with a couple notable exceptions. Branko Djuric is this Yugoslavian guy (as in Yougo-slavian and i’llgo-somewhere else) who plays the Kurd doctor who has to sort through the wounded. Djuric plays the part with a perfect dose of sobriety and pathos (if ‘pathos’ means sincerity and stuff—if it doesn’t then i mean “sincerity and stuff”). The other star in this was another small part. Christopher Lee (Count Dooku in Revenge of the Siths) kicked geriatric ass as Joaquín Morales, a Spanish therapist. He even had a cool accent and everything.

As for the other lead roles, Colin Farrell kinda only had one speed in the role of Mark Walsh, a war photographer who comes home without the buddy he left with. He played it straight emo, maybe because the movie takes place in 1988, but you know me: i think emo is hell. As if to make up for this, the beautiful Paz Vega takes her part (Elena Morales, Walsh’s live-in girlfriend) way over the top and around the bend and so far out she loses it and can’t get it back.

Let’s just say that Triage fights to cover territory that’s already been won several times over.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

‘Cause i ‘member sex in the late 80’s and it was a lot better than this, even with AIDS coming out and all that. The only nudity we get in Triage is Colin’s sausage when the water drains out of the tub. Nothing even remotely close to feminine skin because part of the movie was filmed in Ireland and they’re so Catholic there the only nudity priest’s allowed back then was cock-tail wieners.

The closest thing to a sex scene was Mark’s (Colin Farrell) homecoming when he slid his hand up Elena’s (Paz Vega) shirt and fingered her saying “There you are” when he hit home. Here’s to Paz Vega (34) and to coming home.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There some hot solo shots of Paz burning my drawers. Just scroll down to the bottom of this post…

Also in this is Kelly Reilly (32), who plays Dina (the missing friend’s pregnant wife). Other than a cool closeup of her using the “f” word, there is nothing absolutely sexual with her at all. This wallpaper is sexier than anything you’ll see in the film…

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s more of her down in my drawers, too. (For those of y’all that missed it, i also exposéed her in the Booze Revooze of Sherlock Holmes.)

Finally, for those of you who prefer bayonets to trenches, there’s Colin Farrell (34):

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

As a bonus, and exclusively for y’all here at the Bar None, i got Colin Farrell drinking with Michelle Rodriguez (the dude i’ll sleep with if i ever go gay).

A Smoke

Drink: 2 shots

Paz Vega in The Bar None

Let’s skip the blah blah and just go straight to my notes, aw’ight?

  • Wine in a bar at a small going away party
  • Doctor in war zone drinks whiskey and smokes in empty operating room
  • Pint of Guinness in pub back home
  • Wine and beer at 80’s party
  • Kelly Reilly pregnant and drinking red
  • Girlfriend drinks white wine after-party @ home with KR
  • Girlfriend drinks red wine alone, worried about Colin
  • Smoking in the hospital (it’s Ireland in the 80’s)

Colin Farrell in The Bar None

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Did i mention this movie was set in the 80’s? The only music here is Fine Young Cannibals. Yeah, the 80’s were hell.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Scott Anderson (novel)
Danis Tanovic (screenplay)

Directed by: Danis Tanovic

Starring

Paz Vega – Elena Morales

Kelly Reilly – Diane

Colin Farrell – Mark Walsh

Branko Djuric – Dr. Talzani

Christopher Lee – Joaquín Morales

Bottom Line

Don’t even wait for the DVD. Rent Apocalypse NowThe Longest Day, Saving Private Ryan, The Deer Hunter or any other good movie.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Paz Vega (34)

Paz Vega in the Bar None

Kelly Reilly (32)

Kelly Reilly in the Bar None

8 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TRIAGE

  1. Hey Al, who are you fooling with the “(Count Dooku in Revenge of the Siths)” reference? We all know which count he is famous for.

    So does Kelly Reilly pull off pregnant? It’s not all just waddling around with a pillow under your shirt, you’ve gotta get that easing into anything other than prone as if your back is broken look on your face.

    • Ken, my Brother!

      Actually the Dooku reference was for Miss D; she’s a fan. And are you sure he did Count Chockula? (lol)

      Yeah, Kelly did pregnant a lot better than Emily de Ravin / Claire in Lost

      Thanks for patronizing me, Brother,

      Al K Hall

  2. Paz Vega is the only thing worth watching in Sex & Lucia, and the only reason why ANYBODY would watch her in that stupid Adam Sandler flick Spanglish.

    Glad to hear that I’m not missing much my avoiding this film. Never really saw why Colin Farrell was such a drawcard, actually….

    • Yeah, in Triage she looked only so-so and, as i said, i thought her acting was a little over the top. So she’d be fine to watch but not so pleasant to hear…

      As for Colin, i dunno, i’ve liked some movies he’s been in, though i must admit nothing comes to mind at the moment.

      Anyway, thanks for patronizing me, brother,

      Al K Hall

      • The best Farrell film I’ve seen would have to be “Phone Booth”, or possibly the Spielberg/Cruise combo “Minority Report”. He’s okay in both of those.

        Just avoid “Alexander”. At all costs.

      • i agree with Phone Booth but i don’t remember much of Minority Report. i liked him a lot in Crazy Heart and In Bruges. He was also pretty cool in S.W.A.T.. i hated Miami Vice so much i’m unable to separate his wheat from the chaffin’ it did to my fat ass. Yeah, kinda like Alexander

  3. God! What a lame movie you can’t even know who are Kurds and what is happening to them, this movie make you forget even the bit you know about kurd,specially in 1988,

    • Vad!

      Thanks for stopping by, brother. Pull up a chair, put your feet on the table and what can i get you to drink?

      Glad we see eye on the quality of the movie, great minds think alike.

      Thanks for patronizing me,

      Al K Hall

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