Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE A-TEAM

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Game – House of Pain

Ramblings: The A-Team Plays Hard

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a childhood friend? Not someone you’ve been friends with since you were in kindergarten, but some kid you knew for like one year in fourth grade and didn’t even like so much then and you lost contact when you moved away and completely forgot about him, truth be told, but then you happen to bump into him in some bar and you kinda dread hanging with him ’cause he was pretty dorky when you guys were younger but what the hell, right? You haven’t seen him for a couple decades and it might be fun to reminisce about how you stole his girlfriend and you can always cut out early if he bores you too much. So you’re drinking your first drinks and can you believe it, he actually turns out to be cool. He grew out of his retarded dolt phase and knows how to party and pays for some drinks and keeps you entertained with cool stories about all the crap he’s done since he grew up. i mean, you’re not gonna make him your best man or anything and maybe you’ll still steal his new girlfriend from him but that’s only because she’s hot and if he can get hot babes why not hang out with him a little longer and order another round on you? That’s kinda the way it was with The A-Team.

‘Cause i’m old enough to remember the original A-Team television series and i for sure am old enough to remember i didn’t watch it. i’m pretty sure the reason for that is that it sucked—wait, met me check…yeah, that was definitely it. It sucked.

Miss D and me decided to see this movie because it started right after i finished work and with our movie passes it’s not like we have to pay extra to see this so what the hell. Bottom line, i was pleasantly surprised. There was a lot of crap about the TV series that got up my nose like puke chunks when you barf with your mouth closed: The special effects reeked, for example, and no matter what kind of huge explosion went off or how many guns were firing, no one ever died. Parents must’ve complained about too much violence because a freaking missile could land dead center on a jeep full of bad guys and explode like a super nova while the A-Team fired rocket launchers and other heavy artillery into the wreckage and still the last shot you’d see were the bad guys struggling to their feet in a daze, and shaking off the armageddon before putting their hands up in surrender. God that chaffed my ass more than splinters in a barstool.

Like i was saying, though, the movie was tons better. Bad guys actually died and the special effects were above par (i won’t spoil anything for you but the climax is super climatic). The action was pretty much nonstop, too, and let’s face it, that’s the only reason you go and see this kind of movie in the first place. So, definitely a wild ride.

The downside, ’cause there’s always a downside, was that towards the end they started taking more and more time to set up the action. i don’t need the action set up. i don’t give a rat’s ass why they gotta do something, i just wanna see them do it and as violently as possible, please. There were also some minor things, like the Ultimate Fighter who replaces Mister T has a real hard time speaking in a way that you can understand him, and when he finallly is clear enough you relaize he can’t act. i’m guessing the director told him, “Mumble—if people can’t understand you maybe they won’t realize you suck.”

Apart from torturing a glorified pro-wrestler by asking him to remember words, the rest of the acting was about what you’d expect. i’d like to highlight Sharlto Copley, though, who played Murdock and did a pretty good job—he spoke with different accents and everything. A mildly interesting bit of trivia: his girlfriend of a gajillion years, fellow South African Jeanne-Melanie Haasbroek, has a cameo as “Army Hospital Therapist Elke”. Unfortunately, i couldn’t find any shots of her online for the Silken Butterfly section down below.

All in all, The A-Team turns in their A-game and as long as you don’t expect a world class performance, you’ll walk away a winner.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Another fumble The A-Team makes is trying to pass off the Charisa Sosa (Jessica Biel) / Lt. Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck (Bradley Cooper) romance. You want to inject a little estrogen into this testosterone? Perfect, i’m all for it, especially when the estrogen dose comes in a Jessica Biel (28) shaped container. But do we really need a romance between these two? No, we don’t. Here’s what we need:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

The solo shots of her are down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling into you reach them.

Silken Butterflies

The beautiful Alex Madison, actress and, get this, stunt woman extraordinaire kicks off the movie with a blast as “General Tuco’s Wife”.

i’ve sent her a note to try to get an interview and i’ll keep you posted on how that turns out.

i sent another query to the very lovely Katie Boskovich, who plays “FOB French Reporter” and sucks Face’s face. While waiting for her answer, here’s a collage to hold you over.

Another Silken Butterfly flitting so sweetly across the silver screen was Anita Brown who was super well cast as “Attractive Prison Guard”.

Finally, coming in toward the end of the game, we get Natalie L. James as “Lynch Secretary”.

For those of you who prefer A-Teams to B-Cups, i got some Bradley Cooper (35) for y’all:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

Check Out the Bud in Jessica's Hand

  • Face drinks Bud from a can post-mission reminiscing about Merlot with JB
  • Jameson (?) pre-mission @ campfire
  • “I got a bottle of Blue Label waiting.” / “Bottle? make it a case.”
  • CIA drinking beer & whiskey from fancy glasses in Stuttgart
  • Flashback whiskey toast to good hunting (Peck & General)
  • More Bud (bottle) placement on boat

More Bud Placement

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The action was decent and there was a lot of it, especially in the first half when they kinda strung all the happening stuff together. Later on, like i said above, the A-Team got kinda worn out and dropped the ball by spending too much time in their playbooks.

On top of that, the music was pretty good over-all. Some nice rap, some nice guitar rework on the Mike Post and Pete Carpenter “A-Team Theme” and a pretty eclectic soundtrack overall. The only thing is, don’t be fooled by imitations. If you check out the OST on Amazon, you’ll see it’s just all that incidental instrumental background crap.

If you want the real lowdown down low, you came to the right place. Here’s the true music from the movie:

Mike Post and Pete Carpenter – The A-Team (Theme)
The Game – House of Pain
Trick Daddy featuring Deuce Poppito – Shut Up
Jorge Calandrelli – Trio Para Enamorados
Pete B., Stephen C. and Tim L. – You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)
Tom Morello – A-Team Blastoff Suite
The Black Keys – I Got Mine
Frederick Knight – I’ve Been Lonely For So Long
John Philip Sousa – The Washington Post March
The Wildlife Band – I Don’t Want to Change Your Mind
Peter Schreier and Konrad R. – My Girl Has Rosenmand
Harry Simeone, Katherine K. – Little Drummer Boy
Sex Pistols – Anarchy in the UK
The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra – The A-Team (Theme)
Gary Sredzienski – I Ran 6 Miles
Steely Dan – Reelin’ in the Years

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Based on the television series “The A-Team” created by Frank Lupo and Skip Woods

Written by Joe Carnahan, Brian Bloom, Stephen J. Cannell

Directed by: Joe Carnahan

Starring

Jessica Biel – Charisa Sosa

Alex Madison – General Tuco’s Wife

Anita Brown – Attractive Prison Guard

Katie Boskovich – FOB French Reporter

Liam Neeson – Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith

Bradley Cooper – Lt. Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck

Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson – B.A. Baracus

Sharlto Copley – Murdock

Patrick Wilson – Lynch

Jeanne-Melanie Haasbroek – Army Hospital Therapist Elke

Bottom Line

Give it a shot. The A-Team’s got game.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jessica Biel (28)

Jessica Biel in the Bar None

10 thoughts on “Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE A-TEAM

  1. Haha.. I think U might got that extra energy mentioned by another one here.. I’ m your biggest fan! Youre just as great writer as anyone — NOT (in a BIG ironic way) Thankx Al :))) I salute you friend ! /(o;o) (owl salute)

  2. I see you highlight the one universal gripe about the original series (and so many more like it), the show lasted several seasons and every episode they dropped more ammo than is discharged in most warzones in a day and yet no one was ever hit (made one wonder if the military ever heard of target practice or firing ranges). I will confess to another disappointment that was rather more personal.

    I read a general outline of the purposed show before its debut and missed that it was a stupid comedic action series and so when I read that a team of viet nam vets would include one member with obvious mental problems, I was heartened that mental illness would be seriously tackled on a weekly basis on prime time tv. I think I turned the channel during the opening credits. Needless to say it was a favorite of my family (much to my chagrin, but then they loved Dukes of Hazzard).

    • Ken!

      Sorry to be so suburban about the gripe. What can i say? Next time i’ll try to be more original 😉

      i TOTALLY get what you were saying about the mental illness though. It was so ridiculous as to be insulting. i’m trying to remember the movie Murdock now, and while he was a little over the top at the beginning, they kind of mellowed him out later on. Still, psychologists won’t be studying this film for tips anytime soon.

      Thanks for patronizing me, Brother!

      Al K Hall

  3. I’ll admit no never really finding Ms J Biel all that attractive, but this article has completely turned my brain around on that score. Bravo Mr Hall, bravo. It’s not often glorious soft-core artsy photos can do that for me, but in this case, I’m now officially on her bandwagon.
    Might go an rewatch Stealth again. I think she was in that turd-fest….

    • Behold the beauty of glorious softcore artsy photos and rejoice!

      But wait, you’re on her bandwagon and i’m just on the wagon!? That’s bullshit! i demand a recount!

      Thanks for patronizing me, Rodney

      Al K Hall

  4. Fun review as always. I laughed out loud at this sentence:

    “i don’t give a rat’s ass why they gotta do something, i just wanna see them do it and as violently as possible, please.”

    It was a fun ride of a movie! I still think Jessica was a useless vagina in the movie, but I get it that there has to be some T & A in a movie that is mostly for hetero dudes, although action-flick-oriented gay guys would certainly get their money’s worth in this one, too.

    I had no idea Jessica Biel did so many naked/near naked photo shoots! I can’t blame her. With a bod like that, I would, too.

    I’m glad we finally went to another movie and that you reviewed it, my man. Good stuff.

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