In other news, i’m still dry. i haven’t had a drink since June 13, which means i’m going on a bazillion weeks dry. Some days are harder than others, but in general i’ve been enjoying this unusual feeling of what i can only assume is something y’all normal people refer to as “energy”. Another big plus is a slew of hangover free-days.
The other day i ate with five clients at the restaurant where i’ve become known as a drinking institution. Thinking everything was business as usual, the waiter brought us a second bottle of wine toward the end of the meal. My clients were kind of surprised, however, because we hadn’t finished out first bottle yet. i immortalized this moment on my cell phone.
The glass in the middle contains the two fingers i’d poured myself to throw everyone off the scent. Apparently it worked too well, as evidenced by the second bottle.
Oh yeah, if you care, i plan to fall off the wagon during my vacation which begins the 6th of August and ends on the 21st. You may wanna stay out of Yemen during that time.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Kitty Daisy & Lewis – Going Up The Country
[AlKHallism: i couldn’t find the real movie rockabilly version by Imelda May, so you’re gonna hafta make do with this rockabilly version.]
Ramblings: Off Target
Final Proof: 1½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a Sylvie Vartan female impersonator? Worse than the fact no one even knows who she is, worse even then the fact that those who do know don’t really care, worse than these is the idea that the cross dresser is English and the English should never try to impersonate French gay icons. Drinking with this guy sucks because he only pretends to drink just like he pretends to do everything else. He just goes through the motions of living the life of someone else who wasn’t even that original to begin with. He drinks near beers and Shirley Temple look-a-likes and the whole experience feels like drinking knock-off brand pastis and the only taste it leaves in your mouth is a bad hankering for the real thing. Wild Target is just like that transvestite.
Just like that fake cheap British Pernod, Wild Target was a remake of a French film called Cible Emouvante(which me and my mad French skills would translate as “Moving Target”, with a pun on the word “moving”). The French original was predictable enough but you didn’t need to have seen that to see the strings hanging from this wooden, clompy marionette. The sad thing is, i saw the French original under very extenuating circumstances and, sadder still, i didn’t like the movie all that much. Saddest of all was that i didn’t know any of this until about 6 minutes into the movie and the realization flooded over me in a tsunami beer barf spilling from the silver screen.
Whoever green-lighted Wild Target is gonna get his head rolled for not doing a “Cursed By The Devil”check before slating this harbinger. All the damned signs were there, too: Marie Trintignant, Renée Dandrieux in the French original, died in Lithuania after her boyfriend, French rock ‘star’ Bertrand Cantat of Noir Désir, struck her in the face around 19 times. If that’s not enough, Guillaume Depardieu (son of French planet Gérard Depardieu) appeared as Antoine in Cible Emouvante. Two years later he was in a motorcycle accident and injured his leg. His knee got infected in the hospital and his leg had to be amputated. In 2007, he caught pneumonia while filming in Romania and died. Babe, if someone asks you if you wanna be in a remake of this movie, cut off some chicken’s head and run away as fast as you can doing your favorite ritual voodoo dance to shake off the bad juju that’s gonna dog your ass for your foreseeable future.
None of that has nothing to do with this movie, i know. Here’s something that does. i hate movies about good looking girls who can get away with whatever they want simply because they’re good looking. i also hate any movie that could be described as “zany”. i am also not a big fan of “wacky”. i will probably shoot myself in the foot (or at least get really drunk) before i see another movie spawning adjectives like “hare-brained, loony,” or “madcap”. Don’t even talk to me about “wild romp”. Wild Target is all of these, and less.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Emily Blunt (26) is the lead female, “Rose”. There’s even some near-sexy, like her undressing to a bra and panties on a hotel bed. Later, if you’re into this kind of thing, she has to pee between parked cars in a parking garage. Speaking of “if you’re into it”, Bill Nighy (reprising Jean Rochefort’s role of Victor Meynard) gives Emily a foot massage and we can see that Emily Blunt has cute big toes.
Oh yeah, in the movie she always asks potential sexual partners how much they weigh, like she’s gonna bench press them, but we never hear the answer so are left to assume it was a gimmick in the original that didn’t translate well into British. In the last scene, Em sports a sweater that highlights her cleavage but this is not worth sitting through the whole movie for. For those of you who make the sacrifice and follow my advice, here’s something just as nice.
If that’s not Blunt enough for you, there’s more of her in my drawers. Down there.
The best thing about this movie was the very lovely Stephanie Lammond. i’ve emailed her about the possibility of an interview, but it would appear that her appearance in this movie is not indicative of a total lack of taste. So here’s her collage, which links to her website (and if you go there, why not send her an email saying you’d like to see her interviewed here?).
For those of you more into darts than bullseyes, boy did you come to the right movie. The French are pretty euro trashed so the vague gayness in their movie comes off and across as Metro Sexual. When the Brits try the same thing it just comes out as gay.
Like how they got Rupert Grint (little Ron from of Harry Potter flame) to bare his twink pink nipples all over the place. There’s even this one scene where Bill Nighy walks in on Rupert in the tub and tells the little guy, “Your presence confuses me sexually,” so the twat stands up and faces the old perv. What’s the sound of one hand clapping? It’s the sound of all these old pedo-bears simultaneously clapping themselves off one-handedly.
Here’s the collage i promised. Rupert Grint (21):
Lots of references, even if drink didn’t play a big role in the story.
Bill Nighy drinks fancy burgundy at a dinner in his home.
He’s learning French and says “J’aime particulierement les vins de Bourgogne, et vous?“
Whiskey on the rocks in a hotel bar
Rose orders cognac, red wine, Glenfiddich and a Becks in the hotel bar and tells the bartender the Becks is for him before she asks him how much he weighs.
Wine with roast beef at the dinner table in the country house. Tony (Rupert Grint) only gets half a glass.
Champagne at birthday party. Vodka shots. Rose wakes up with a bad hangover and a pink pussy (cat).
In the final, cleavage sweater scene, they’re drinking rosé on the terrace.
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
The music sucks. There is no rock. If rock wasn’t dead already, this movie killed it.
Here’s the proof:
Opening Titles by The London Metropolitan Orchestra
Mehum Mato by Fishtank Ensemble
Hotel Song by Regina Spektor
Johnny Got A Boom Boom by Imelda May
The Waves by Liam Shachar ft Joe Echo
All Over Me by Pete Simpson
‘Spring’ from The Four Seasons (Violin Concerto in E Major, Op. 8 No.1) by The Capella Istropolitana Orchestra
In A Mellow Mood by The Freddie Carleone Quartet
Sinfonia Concertante – E flat major, KV364, 2nd movement Andante Ma Non Troppo by The Capella Istropolitana Orchestra
Piano Sonata No 8 In C Minor by Rupert Everett
Face The Dragon by Fishtank Ensemble
New Soul by Yael Naïm
Plug in the Machine by Dorp
Wedding Bell by Beach House
Foot Massage by The London Metropolitan Orchestra
Going Up Country by Imelda May
Mayhem by Imelda May
Boring Technical Crap
Pierre Salvadori (original screenplay)
Lucinda Coxon (screenplay)
Directed by: Jonathan Lynn
Emily Blunt – Rose
Stephanie Lammond – Hotel Receptionist
Bill Nighy – Victor Maynard
Rupert Grint – Tony
Wild Target falls short of both “wild” and the “target”. i’d honestly rather see Eclipse again.
Amy chewed through an IVodka drip and bed restraints to escape to a movie premiere, but stopped by a Clown College first for some makeup and wardrobe. Hell, when it comes to bows, go big or go home.
Why am i posting this train wreck? For the chuckles of seeing Amy drunk yet again? Let’s test that theory, shall we?
Nope, nary a chuckle. Not even a chuck.
Maybe i posted this because the movie Amy went to see premiered was Psychosisbecause Reg Traviss, her boyfriend, wrote and directed it. KA-tching, right?! Bells are a ringin’ all through your pretty little heads right now and this is the star that’s floating comically around your skull.
The tie in to all this is that Katrena appears in Psychosis as an actress and was one of the executive producers! Go ahead and read the interview again, you don’t believe me; we talk all about it in there.
It’s one small freaking world, let me tell you, but i wouldn’t want to buy it a drink.
Some Drunk Mothers - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
A bouncee stroking his croc? Drunk Floridian MILFs? Toddlers drunk on chocolates? Hot drunk chicks who you do NOT wanna be around. A Lohan plug, dumb & dumber, why Florida is hot… Yeah, i got yer dregs right here, buddy.
This song from the juiced-box has precious little to do with this weeks dregs, but is a kick-ass song… Scala and Kolacny Brothers – Creep (Radiohead cover)
[Press ‘Play’ for something tenuously connected to drinking: alcohol does make me feel like a Creep the day after.]
This is the one time “petting the croc” is not a euphemism for masturbation. A 36-year-old Australian drifter got tossed out of a Broome pub (like a Broome closet only bigger) and, while drifting around saw a crocodile he wanted to pet. So he climbed the fence to the crocodile zoo and sat down on the back of a 15-foot, 800 pound croc named “Fatso”. Fatso, being a crocodile, chomped the guy in the leg but, strangely enough, let the guy go. i’m thinking the croc could taste the beer in the dude’s blood but preferred Chablis with white meat.
[AlKHallism: Cheers to my brother Rodney over at Fernby Films. A Facebook friend and regular here at the Bar None, he’s the one who brought this bit of tid to my attention.]
Speaking of stupid… Speaking of stupid… i should say everything in this part twice. i should say everything in this part twice except not even i am that annoying. Not as annoying, anyway as the two Cumbie bothers, Andrew (28) and Joseph (20) who did everything twice as well. Like at 1 a.m. they decided to go to a Chevron gas station and steal an 18-pack of beer while holding the attendant at bay with a hunting knife. Then, just because they’re double stupid, they decided to do the exact same thing again at 6:45 a.m. Pro’lly part of the reason they got busted was they could only drink 9 beers each in 6 hours, and that right there’s a crime. They were charged with 2 counts of robbery, 2 counts of aggravated assault, 2 counts of burglary and only 1 count of conspiracy, but i’m on the case to get that boosted up to 2 too to satisfy my compulsive need for balance.
Now we begin the hottie portion of our show. Chandra Reed, a 23-year-old babe from Arizona, got her drink on and her clothes off. My question is, was the nudity before, after or during the moment she attacked her boyfriend’s car with a dog collar? Then again, i’m not sure it matters because my mental image of that is already set in stone. The thing we know for sure is that when the cops came to bust her for going off on the car, she greeted them naked and holding a beer. Then she went off on them. Nope, no shots of that either. Alls i got on Chandra is before and after pics. The “before” pic is off to the side and is from her Myspace page. Here’s the after shot.
You are now entering the hot in Florida part of the post. There’s not much new here other than Jamie Baldiga, the 21-year-old reason Florida is always so hot, who got pulled over the other day and was busted for DUI. Once in the back of the police cruiser, she hurled expletives at the officer, slipped her cuffs, punched the officer’s seat, kicked the patrol car’s windows, pounded on the doors and the roof, before kicking the cop in the chest, twice, while he recuffed her. This is her third arrest in the past year.
Yes, i would like to party with Jamie but i’d hafta wimp out early before things got outta hand. Yes, i am gonna go out on the limb and risk posting pics of her here in the Bar None. Here’s what she looks like when not on the whup ass.
i really like how she's looking less and less bummed over time.
On the same freaking day as Candice, a naked 3-year-old was playing with a steak knife in front of his place. Neighbors called the police, who arrived to find the tot had taken off his own dirty diaper and left it near a pile of empty beer bottles.
The kid led the officers to a pig sty with the door partially opened. Apparently those mothers in Florida like to clean about as much as they enjoying taking care of their litter. Somewhere at the bottom of the mess, cops found another kid (3 months old) asleep in a playpen, and the above brunette, 23-year-old April Stern, also asleep. Seems she was sleeping off the previous night’s binge. i’m guessing the trip to jail for child endangerment didn’t do much for her hangover.
Yeah, we should all move to Florida but we should definitely stay away from the girls there. There must be something in the water that turns them psycho. Like scotch.
This one comes from Ken / Wayne Buchanan on my Facebook page. Thanks Ken! (If anyone else of y’all wants to be famous like Ken (and Rodney—remember Rodney?), please feel free to send me your stories.)
Tired of drunk moms? How about some drunk babes? As in toddlers. Here’s an ad by the Dentsu advertising agency for L’univers Du Chocolat to promote Whisky Chocolate. (Just the thought makes me throw up a little in my mouth.)
i’ll put the rest of the shots in my drawers. Just scroll down.
Eugene Todie was caught at customs trying to drive back into the U.S. with a fake passport and an ankle monitor. When the customs guy asked about the ankle monitor, Eugene showed his support for my cause by telling the officer a friend had given him the anklet and he was sporting the technology to FREE LINDSAY!!!. Unfortunately, he was lying. In real life he was a Buffalo man who’d been busted for contempt. So much for the FREE LINDSAY!!! defense.
This is a screen shot of my page reads from last Friday, July 16, 2010. Yes, fellow D.R.I.N.K.E.Rs and members of the D-Generation, i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and tender bartender, broke through the 3,000 patronizer barrier! Thank you all, from the bottom of my bottle, for your help. i couldn’ta done it without you. Well, at least not without 3,001 of you.
Thanks to my bud In The Same Boat for posting this in the comments section to this blog entry. You gotta see it to believe it, a robotic beer bitch. Finally geeks have spent gajillions of dollars on something we actually need.
i dunno, the other one looks a little more practical to me. Click on the photo to read the article, but there’s not a lot about booze in the text. The other robot seems to be more single minded in it’s beer fetching task…
Had enough of intellectual pursuits? It’s still not too late to…
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan
"This is my Undecided pout."
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.
What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.
"This is my Horny pout."
i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.
There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.
"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."
You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”
i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.
Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.
Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love
One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.
Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?
Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.
Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.
There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.
The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.
i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).
First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.
Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size
Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Here’s Rob in the Bar None.
Rob Pattinson after the Bar None
The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK, the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”
Click On It To Make It Grow
Drink: 0 Shots
Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:
Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
The Bravery – Ours
Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
Sia – My Love
Fanfarlo – Atlas
Chop And Change – The Black Keys
The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
Unkle – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore
Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:
There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.
There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.
As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.
Boring Technical Crap
Stephenie Meyer – Novel
Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay
Directed by: David Slade
Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Dakota Fanning – Jane
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria
Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater
Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black
Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.
In this week’s dregs, sinking even lower than i just did with that wallpaper, we got a guy lighting his leg on fire after losing a bar bet, a female Hurley eating her way to freedom, Pete Doherty in the hospital and Eric from True Blood getting his freak on and a freak off. Not to mention the young lady who inspired the above collage.
Here’s a song from the juiced-box, dedicated to Kathleen Bugnitz: The LCD Soundystem – Drunk Girl
They got so much weird in Las Cruces, NM that they could fertilize a freaking desert and you don’t even wanna know how i know what kinda weird they got in Las Cruces. Like there were these guys that invented a new drinking game where the guy who drinks the least gets set on fire. Sure, it’s all fun and games until the loser (with only one six-pack) is the guy with the prosthetic leg and when you set him ablaze the leg catches and burns his ass and back so he strips off all his clothes. Being responsible weird you decide to take your smoldering buddy to the hospital, but being Las Cruces weird you chicken out halfway and leave the guy naked and legless on the shoulder of US Interstate 70 where the police can find him. Yeah, you can party all you want but you don’t ever wanna get Las Cruces weird.
Cops came when Denise Hurley did a hit and can’t run and killed a bush. When they started busting her for DUI, she went all wildebeest on their asses and so they tased the crap out of her so much she went to the hospital for observation. They tied her down with nylon straps and stuck IVs in her but, like that trapped wildebeest in the moors or wherever the hell they live, she decided not to chew through her leg but the restraints instead. Second time around, the cops used real cuffs.
How many times have you been sitting in the back of a cab and you gotta take a leak really bad and you’re drunk? You go for it, right? i mean, what the hell. But then the cabbie starts getting up your nose, saying you gotta pay him but what? Not your problem. Until the cops come and then you agree to pay but it’s too late because the cops are in your wallet and they find your fake ID and now it’s your problem because you can’t remember your fake address and you’re only 20 so now you’re going to jail for underage drinking. Don’t you wish you held it in now?
He was drinking in Paris and then instead of singing in Nice he opted to go to the hospital. ‘Cause nobody officially said what was up, i’m guessing he was tired of lifting all those glasses and decided to get that crap through an IV drip, plus that way he doesn’t even have to get up to pee because he can use a bedpan which, let’s face it, is really just a medical GO GIRL.
Every guy gets drunk and makes gay jokes. It’s a guy thing. But there are some people out there (mostly European) that like to take it a step further when they tie one on. Turns out that Alexander Skarsgard is a Gay Drunk. (Y’all know Alexander Skarsgard, right? He’s the sexy blonde vampire in True Blood). If you follow the link up there, you’ll see a video with him doin’ all kinds of gay stuff while buzzing. If you’re too lazy, you could just check out this screen cap collage.
This Is So Gay
There’s another collage and crap down in my drawers (god, that sounds so gay).
Here’s something that’s not gay, an Anna Paquin collage (’cause she’s in True Blood too and is a lot more fun to exposé than Alexander).
Click on the Shot to Make a Wallpaper
Don’t sweat it, there’s more of her waiting way down there in my drawers, also.
Bar None Dregs
‘Member how in the last dregs i talked about a new drink i invented? Well, my buddy Erin (yeah, the famous one) actually made it and sent me a message. And i quote: “I made the drink and it was yummy – sweet!”