From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Cathy Davey – Holy Moly
[Press ‘Play’ for the coolest song you’ve never heard–think Hope Sandoval on Rock]
Ramblings: Two Men and a Babe
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a loner? An incomplete stranger staggers into the bar, catches you by surprise while casting off attitude as he throws himself into a booth and throws up his feet on the seat. You saddle up, sit down and start throwing back mescal shots and you know what i get like chasing the worm: When the weird get going, the going gets weird. The guy’s raw like a nerve and on edge in a way that forces you to the edge of your seat, where you’re half afraid of what’s coming next but unable to look away for fear of missing something good. The Disappearance of Alice Creed is like this.
TDoAC was not what i expected. After seeing the previews, i thought this was gonna be some kind of Tarantino production with cool violence and abstract dialog (or abstract violence and cool dialog–Tarantino always confuses me that way). What i got, however, was way different but just as thrilling.
First off, i was psyched to finally see a movie that was based on an idea. A real and true idea—not a book, not a comic, not an older movie but a real and true original thought. i forgot how much fun it is to watch a film that’s free enough to forgo the limitations of someone else’s design. You get twists and turns straight from the source’s mouth which means it’s got a nice set of teeth.
One of these turns is the basic concept of the film itself—an action movie about a kidnapping with three, count ’em, three, only three actors. You will not see another face, body, or extra straggling in the background. Yet even inside the constricts of this construct, TDoAC works.
Of course the success of this kind of risk puts a lot of weight on the actors’ shoulders. If they kick it, the movie rocks but if they suck, the film kicks the bucket. There were two guys (whose names i’ll bother to find for you later) and they did a pretty decent job but the real story here was Gemma Arterton who has apparently decided to be in every movie ever made in 2010. After Clash of the Titans, Quantum of Solace, Prince of Persia and Tamara Drewe, she grabbed the role of Alice Creed by its big hairy balls and rode them all the way to the end. She owned the balls, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Plus, you know how i’m always able to tell what’s gonna happen in a movie and how i haven’t been surprised by anything since The Sixth Sense. There were a couple twists and while i saw the first one coming round the corner even before it ate its breakfast, the second one snuck up on me and that’s the kind of refreshing that helped me enjoy the movie even more.
The Disappearance of Alice Creed is making festival rounds and is getting a limited release in some countries, so you pro’lly won’t get a chance to see it but if you do, you’ll be doing yourself a solid if you give it a shot.
Oh yeah, i forgot to tell you but the real reason i thought this was going to be like a Tarantino movie was because i was in the original cut but all my parts got edited when they decided to make this bad boy a threesome. Here’s one of my scenes with that Tarantino-esque script-ure.
Alice Creed: Really. You’ve never seen a douche.
Al K Hall: Nope never have. i mean, i musta passed one in the store or somehting but i don’t know anything about them.
Alice Creed: Not even the brand names?
Al K Hall: There’s one called “Summer Rain” or something, right?
Alice Creed: “Summer’s Eve”. And “Massengill”. “Massengill” is another one.
Al K Hall: Right. Sounds like you’re rubbing fish parts. Which makes sense in a pungent, aromatic kind of way, i guess.
“Abstract dialog”, yeah, that was it. “Abstract dialog and cool violence.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
Four shots and guess what, it’s all Gemma Arterton (24). Sure the two guys had one scene toward the beginning where you see their pale English butts when they change out of their kidnapping clothes but that was brief.
Gemma went full frontal, not only once but twice. The first scene was when the kidnappers changed her out of her street clothes and into these purple sweats she sported braless throughout the rest of the movie. The next time was during a make out scene with one of the kidnappers and we get some decent boob close-ups and glimpses of the bush.
Here’s the first thing i like about Gemma: She was born with six fingers. She had extra appendages (as boneless as chicken nuggets) on each hand that the doctor’s removed by tying off to stop blood flow until the digits dropped like dead chickens choked once too much.
The other thing i like about Gemma is that she’s a natural beauty. She’s not Blimp Babe and she’s not Bulimia Barbie, she’s this normal looking hottie like a chick you’d see shopping for deals on intimate feminine rinses in Walmart or scraping something off the seat of her skirt in an alley off the Bar None.
There are some single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post to make the most of them.
For those of you more into whips than lashes, here’s a collage of Martin Compston (26) who played the part of Danny.
Drink: ½ Shot
Beer with a microwave dinner. Kidnapper #1 tells Kidnapper #2 not to have it on his breath.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
Firstable, the song i posted up top kicks it all over the place and, secondable, there’s tons of rock and roll attitude all over the freaking place in this movie. From Gemma Arterton in an S&M gag to guns, violence, sex and tension…this movie is all about the rock.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: J Blakeson
Directed by: J Blakeson
Do what you gotta to find The Disappearance…